The Most Splendid Day
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Early in the morning.
For those of you who have not caught on to the heavy hints that have been dropped, I suggest that you go to this interesting weblog here. Maybe you will enjoy it. I can't get it much clearer than that, since the first sheep have already crossed the dam.
I've had a wonderful sleep, after falling asleep on the sofa last night while watching the news. Yes, watching the news does that to me, to my great shame. Now I still don't know what is happening in the world. When I woke up, it was 11:30 PM and out of habit I turned on the computer and blogged for awhile until I was sufficiently tired again, so you could say that I got enough sleep.
I am lucky that the Überhund doesn't require his late night walks anymore, but just goes to sleep after I have walked him at around 7 PM. I used to think that he wouldn't make it through the night, but now I know that he has excellent bladder control and can wait a long time between walks. If he does make a fuss, it is because he wants to eat and the clearest sign of that is when he starts to eat the cat food. I am not always clear on when he is hungry or when he just wants a snack. Sometimes he wants to eat twice a day and sometimes he doesn't. He is a fickle old dog.
Well, I saw my SPN and I don't know what to say about that. I felt like I had kept all sorts of secrets from her. Like, for instance, the fact that I had stopped taking the temazepam during the day, which she said was something I should have discussed with her beforehand. So, she wasn't too happy about me doing that on my own, although she understood my wanting to do without.
Then there was the divorce party, which I had not discussed with her before and which she showed some concern about on my part and I felt that I had to ease her mind about that and tell her that it was really no big deal and that it was no stress factor for me at all and that I could handle it just fine and that I had let go of the Exfactor sufficiently enough to be able to have a party like this. While I was reassuring her of these things, I was really concerned if they were true or not, but I felt I was on the road of no return, so I had to take this attitude. I really felt I was being dishonest to her, though, and not being open about my feelings.
There was also the deal about the Random Word Generator and the images and, although technically I had kept myself to the promise, I had found a hole in the maze and figured out a way to do it anyway, which I told her honestly about. It made me feel like a bit of a fraud anyway. Like a dishonest person.
So really, I felt like during that session I was bullshitting her and it does not leave me feeling good about myself. I think I will write her an email today and tell her about that and clear the air between us. I don't like the way things are left now.
It is a wicked web we weave, when first we learn how to deceive. And who do we fool the most? Ourselves! Right...that's as obvious as anything and the most painful part.
Today is ergo therapy day. I am not looking forward to it. I already feel the irritation moving up in my body and that is not a good sign. I thought I had made it clear to myself that I would give it a good try, but now I am sitting here with a bad attitude. I have to overcome this and go in there with an open mind and not a preconceived set of ideas that I need to have confirmed.
Right. Lessons learned today. What not to do to complicate your own life.
I have to get going now. There are things to do and showers to take. Faces to put on and hair to brush. Medicines to take and a dog to walk.
Have a good day you all.