The Most Splendid Day
Friday, October 31, 2008
I did it.
This is a side view halfway down that street. If I am really lazy or cold, I go down this way.
Here is where we get to the end of the street and we turn the corner into the street that has all the tall trees that shed so many leaves and where the Überhund always tries to forage for food. Lord only knows what he is looking for.
Here is a side street we can take if we want to get home fast, but we won't do that today. That is only if it starts to rain or something.
We keep going straight ahead on the street with the tall trees, where the Überhund has hopefully pooped once or twice now.
Then we get to the busy intersection where we turn left, nothing but a lot of traffic here.
Until we get to this quiet road here, where we make a left turn away from the traffic and the noise...
...and we get a view of this, isn't that a whole lot better? We walk to the end of the path and....
...turn right to enter our neighborhood again. look at that lush green grass. Too bad it's from all the rain we've had. We go up this street a little way...
...and then turn left toward home. Behind the hedge on the right is the elementary school. Lots of shrieking children have their lunch breaks there. You do get to used to it. At the end of this road is an intersection....
...and once you are past the intersection, you are in our street again, albeit from a different direction, and look there...
Somebody we know lives there and behind those doors I know somebody is waiting for me...
Yes, It's nobody else but the most wonderful Überhund who didn't get to go on the walk with me, for fear of dropping the camera, while holding on to the leash and handling a poop baggy. Oh, poor dog!
Well, that was it, folks. A short walk through my neighbborhood. One day I'll do a longer distance one.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I've been bad!
I really didn't do a helluvalot today. In the morning I pretended to be a French housewife and gave it a lick and a promise. I opened the mail and found out that what I thought were bills were either not or had already been paid. Wasn't that nice? But they'll find me yet, you wait and see.
I fooled around behind the computer for a little bit, but kept getting distracted by the Überhund who decided that he needed extra attention and cats kept walking on the keyboard. It was a conspiracy, I tell you. A revolt by the beasties to get my attention, which they must not have been getting enough of. So, I did what any decent human being would have done, I turned off the computer and walked to my closet to decide what sort of clothes I was going to wear for my visit with my friend Lucien.
You would not believe this, but Lucien lives a 15 minute bike ride away from me, yet I had not seen her in a year. We had only talked on the phone about once a week. There was always some reason why we could not get together, although I must emphasize that the reason laid with her more often than it did with me. There were many times when she did not have the mental energy to make and stick to a date to meet.
So this afternoon I got on my trusty bike, all wrapped up against the cold, and went to her apartment. She had not changed one bit in a year's time and looked as matronly as always. She is younger than I am, but she dresses like a middle aged woman, which I think is a shame when you are only in your 40's.
I don't really know why we are friends, we don't have very much in common, except for our mental disorder, that's it really. We don't share any interests and are always short on subjects to talk about. We both like to shop, but we have different taste in clothes. I don't know, somehow I feel that I can't drop her, I would feel bad for her if I did. We can always talk about being hypomanic. That an inexhaustible subject.
When I got home, I spent a long time filling an MP3 stick with all sorts of piano based music. I downloaded complete albums and that took enough time, but then I got the brilliant idea to copy them to my Real Player, but much to my disgust I found out that I had to copy each song separately. Well, being stubborn I got started and once I got started and realized how much work it was, I didn't want to quit and finished it anyway. I also have an iTune Player, but I think there must be a better way to do this. I'll try to figure out something. Stubborn is my middle name, so are longevity and endurance.
One of these minutes, I am going to have to own up to the fact that it is time to go to bed, but I am so wide awake that I can't quite picture myself doing that yet. Maybe it will help if I take my medications and put my pajamas on.
Okay, that's what I am going to do, so you all have yourself a good night or a good morning, whichever comes first.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Happy, happy, happy, happy days.
I very cheerfully had my morning coffee and my cigarettes and more coffee, because do you know a better way to wake up? Then I very cheerfully got dressed and took my medicines and gave the Überhund his and we went for our walk. It had frozen during the night, but there was no wind, so it was actually nice out with the sun shining. I do really like that kind of weather, providing I am dressed warm enough. It's when the wind starts blowing that I really start to mutter swear words under my breath.
I took my time getting to ergo therapy, because I had to make myself a batch of cigarettes and I knew I didn't want to sit out in the cold on the deck smoking cigarettes with my espressos.
At ergo therapy I realized something that has been happening to me lately and that is, that whatever good mood I have, slowly goes to pieces the longer I sit in the group and listen to everybody's story about their week. I literally sag in my chair and I sag in my mind too at hearing all the tales of gloom and doom and all the excuses of people for why things can't be done differently, and how hard their lives have been, and how they ought to be the exception to the rule when it comes to trying to handle something differently, and I find myself becoming depressed and angry and irritated.
You see, of the original group of 8 people, there are only 3 of us left that were there from the beginning. Everybody else is new and they are not winners. They are negative people who act as if they are being forced to be there against their will and who have a resistance against change. This opposed to how positive and optimistic the group was before. It is very draining and I feel the energy seeping out of me.
During the break, I told the therapist that I was considering leaving the group for those reasons and she asked me to discuss it with my SPN first and that we could make a decision then and find another activity for me. Which will be fine with me. After 5 months of that group, I think it has been enough.
So, anyway, when I got home, I needed to do some grocery shopping and I made a list and bought enough food, I hope, for the next 6 days. As you will know by now, my bike was loaded and precariously I made my way home, always worried about taking the curves too wide and thinking I will run into a car. I am an accident waiting to happen. I just hope that everybody stays out of my way and sees me for the danger I am.
Once I unloaded all the groceries, the sofa looked very appealing and I laid down on it and pulled the yellow blanket over me and fell sleep for a few hours. That was so wonderful, it really helps me get over that bump in the day and I know I need the sleep, because I would not last the day without it. The Überhund woke me up, because he wanted to go out and with renewed vigor we walked around the block.
He really likes the dog food I have for him very much. You can see him eat it with much pleasure. I've also changed the cat food and I think they like this one better, although it is too early to really tell, being the finicky beasts that they are. I am going to make them finish the old cat food too, so I will give them two dishes, one with each cat food and see which they prefer.
I keep forgetting that I own a camera now and that I should be out there taking photographs. I could just start with my neighborhood, where I walk with the Überhund, and expand it from there. I'll try to remember to do that tomorrow. I am just trying to figure out if I'll do that with or without the Überhund, considering the logistics of poop baggies etc.
Now it's time for me to watch some dumb TV, hopefully not, hopefully some intelligent TV.
Have a good evening.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I woke up this morning at 8:30 and knew right away that something was wrong. I was very cold and very thirsty and drank 3 glasses of juice. Then I got the shivers and no matter what I tried, I could not get warm enough. I sat on the sofa and tried to get warm with the heater turned up high, dressed in flannel pajamas and socks and my bathrobe and a blanket around me, but it didn't help. Hot coffee didn't help either. I had to call my SPN and cancel our appointment, which was a bit of a disappointment.
Everything started to hurt, my head and my throat and my muscles and I called the Exfactor to see if he could come by and take the Überhund for his afternoon walk. My sister wasn't home, or I would have asked her. As it was, the Exfactor needed to do a load of laundry, so it worked out perfectly, because he could do that here and take out the Überhund at the same time.
I was pretty miserable, but tried to make the most of it and straightened the apartment up a little bit, but that proved to be a lot of effort, requiring many rest pauses on the sofa. I tried to be sociable when the Exfactor finally showed up, but it was tough and I fell asleep on the sofa before his laundry was done, so I didn't hear him leave. I slept for a long while and felt a bit better when I woke up, but my poor body is protesting. Still, tonight I took the Überhund for his walk, even though it was a short one and my chest doesn't feel good. It feels like there is bronchitis coming.
Still, I am going to try and go to ergo therapy tomorrow morning, unless I have a repeat of this morning. Actually, I don't know if I can make the bike ride over there. Peddling a bike seems like an awful lot of work now.
So, sorry that I don't have anything exciting to tell you today. It is just one of those days.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I don't know if I would have made a good pioneer, I think I would have preferred the comforts of some small new England farming town and stayed there, or a fishing village on the coast. I would have been a damn Yankee.
That's all talking by the wayside, because I am what I was meant to be and that is just an ordinary plain Dutch woman who doesn't stand out much one way or the other, except that I dress rather funky for my age and I get looked at for that reason. Oh, I know people stare sometimes, but I think, just let them, give them some cause for conversation, the small minded people. I have fun and that's the main thing.
I finished 2 projects in creative therapy today, because I suddenly knew what to do with them and did it. I have to remember to bring my art folder next week so I can bring things home with me and decide on what I want to frame and hang up. Did you know that hairspray works as a good sealant? It gives your work a bit of a shine too.
I have felt no desire to call the Exfactor and frankly he has been removed quite a few steps from my mind since Joost has been here. I find that a very healthy development and I feel like I've let go a lot this weekend. I don't feel any urgency anymore or the desire to be close to him or to see him or to be the apple of his eye. I think he is a rather silly man who doesn't know what in the world he is doing and I'm not going to help him figure it out. He will fall out of love with the Paramount and then he won't know what to do with himself and all of us will have moved on to different places.
That's the way, aha, aha, we like it. Excuse my silliness. For some reason, I didn't have a dip today and I was my normal cheerful self all day long. It was mighty nice and it comes as a great relief to me. Maybe the crisis is past me now and I can go on again as I was and get on with living my life the way it was with me concentrating on what concerns me and not on what supposedly hurts me and what is in the past. I think that talking so much with Joost about all sorts of things has helped me a lot and we only talked about my divorce briefly, it wasn't our main subject.
We talked about politics and economics and integration and the Holocaust and immigration, you name it, we talked about it. We see eye to eye on many things, except possibly Israel, for which Joost has a soft spot, because he is half Jewish. Not practicing, but still...He has many Muslim friends, however, and they respect each other.
I always feel a terrible compulsion to write, as if I have something very important to reveal to you, but when it comes down to it, I just tell you my ordinary thoughts and actions. I don't know how deeply I let you look into my soul. Sometimes I wish to be very profound and let loose with en enormous stream of consciousness and just let the words come pouring out, but I suppose I have an editor sitting beside me looking over my shoulder who prevents me from doing that.
I have experienced a lot of different things in my life and a lot of it reads like movie script or a made for TV six part drama. There were times when I thought that happiness would forever elude me and that life meant the same as serving a long sentence in a restricted prison block. No parole. Things happened that seemed to be extremely bad and cruel jokes that god played on me and were proof to the fact that I must be a very undeserving person. It's only in these last years that I have looked happiness right in the face for long periods of time and realized that I was entitled to it and that I too could lay claim to it and call it my birthright.
It is your right as a human being to feel long periods of happiness. Not because you're wealthy or because you're living in a palace and your wish is someone else's command. I mean happiness simply because you are alive and things basically go alright and the one day is as predictable as the next and no catastrophes wait around the corner for you. You get up and do all the normal things that belong to your day and go to sleep at night and you realize that it has been done successfully without a big hitch and you made it to the end of the day and now you are good and well tired and ready to rest your tired body. That's happiness by my standards.
That's why it is easy for me to say that I am cheerful now, because I had no dip this afternoon, I had the money to pay the mediator's fee, I did not get rained on once, I am not longing for the Exfactor and I am going to sleep in a little while in a comfortable bed and hopefully tomorrow will be a similar day. If that is in the least bit possible, I will be happy tomorrow too.
Well, so much for my philosophizing for tonight. I really am going to go to bed now after I take my medicines and make some warm milk to drink.
You are The High Priestess
Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.face="Verdana">The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
On my own again.
But being around him opened my eyes to some thing. Basically what it is to be with a good and decent human being who does not play a game and who is completely upright and honest, almost innocent in his approach to the world and the people in it. And who is so gentle and careful around other people and so respectful of them, it amazes me. No matter what kind of dysfunctional person you turn out to be, he keeps on giving you friendship and respect.
Well, I'm impressed, more so than other times when I had to share him with The Exfactor and had less time to spend alone with him. The Exfactor is so dominantly present that other people don't get noticed as much.
I shouldn't speak ill of the Exfactor, but only speak positively of Joost. I suppose I saw him through new eyes this weekend. That's good, that's eye opening to me and it makes me a stronger person than I was before, because I know something now.
Anyway, Joost said he would be back at Christmas time, so that won't be too long.
We spent half the day in our pajamas talking politics and didn't get dressed until noon, when we had to walk the Überhund. It wasn't cold out and there was a brisk wind blowing the last of the leaves off the trees. The Überhund skipped and jumped around as if he was on an outing. He plum wore himself out. I made grilled cheese sandwiches when we got back, but was only able to eat half of one, much to my chagrin. I made them with young aged cheese and they were the best.
I got another dip in the afternoon, but this time at 2 PM, because of the time change. I told Joost about it and he helped me through it in his unobtrusive way. I didn't have to outperform myself, but could just be my downcast self and partake of the conversation that way. What I really wanted to do was go to sleep, but I felt I couldn't do that.
On another note, our marriage and divorce had to be registered in The Hague, because we had been married overseas and that was the last obstacle to make it all legal. I got notice in the mail yesterday that this has been done now, so all the legalities have been taken care of and I am now truly an unmarried woman.
I am going to put my pajamas on now and my bathrobe and curl up on the sofa and watch some dumb TV. That's what I am in the mood for. Maybe I'll eat something nice, if I can find it.
The hurrieder I go, the behinder I get.
I just got up and am working on my first cup of coffee, Yes, I know it's so daring of me to type with so little caffeine in my system, but somehow I'm capable of it. I guess it must mean that I've had enough sleep and that I don't neat to artificially chase it away with large mugs of coffee.
I slept on the sofa, of course, as Joost is asleep in my bed. We stayed up talking late. Toby and Nouri became quite attached to him and especially Toby had to be peeled off his lap when it was time to go to bed. I have never seen a cat as happy and contend as Toby. Jesker was only a little bit jealous and asked to be petted every now and then when he really could not contain himself any longer. For some reason, Gandhi wanted nothing to do with the whole scenario and spent the whole evening sleeping on my pillows in the bedroom.
I always forget how nice it is to have Joost here and how easy it is to talk to him. I had a terrible dip at 3 o'clock in the afternoon that lasted until 8 PM and I was not very sociable, but I needed not to have worried about Joost, who is not in the least put out when I suddenly fall silent. I try very hard to act as if nothing is wrong, but it is difficult for me to fake it and I usually can't. I told him about it afterwards, while I may as well have told him about it during, it would have been okay.
I just noticed on the computer and on the radio controlled alarm clock, that it's an hour earlier than it says on my watch and on the clock on the wall. That means we've gone into daylight savings time over here. I didn't even know it was coming up already. That's nice, that means that I've got a little bit of extra time in the mornings. Somehow, that makes me happy. The daylight makes me happy.
Jesker has gone and done a huge piddle out back, so I can sit here in my pajamas a little while longer. It is nice when he is so accommodating like that. I'm not quite ready to get dressed yet and go out into the chilly day, although it is supposed to be 10 degrees Celsius outside now. That's 50 degrees Fahrenheit, that's not bad at all, is it? It's supposed to rain today, but that also means that it won't be so cold, so there is always a trade off.
Well, I have to get breakfast started and be a good hostess, so I will talk at you all later.
Friday, October 24, 2008
It's such a simple solution to a big problem, but I am reinventing the wheel every day and relearning this lesson every day, and that is that I must sleep when I am down and out and I feel at the end of my rope. When I have no coping skills left, I must sleep. When my thoughts turn morbid, I must sleep. After I have slept, there has been a shift to the positive side of things and suddenly the glass is half full again and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like walking the dog and I feel like doing a load of laundry and I feel like blogging and generally just being a good egg.
You would not believe how hard it is to live with a mood disorder that takes place several times a day, because you forget who you were in each different mood. When you are down, that's all you know and you don't remember feeling anything else. When you are up, you trivialize your down mood and don't take it seriously anymore, even though it may have cost you your life. They are so extreme in nature.
I was so down today, that I was glad that Eduard had taken away every hobby knife that's in the apartment and that it would be useless for me to go looking for one. That was a relief. It took the decision out of my hands, otherwise there would have been the temptation.
I have a book called, "Self Damage Made Understandable," and I am in it quite extensively, because I was one of the people who was a subject for the book. It's my dubious moment of fame. I am also in another book, but because this coincided with my son's death, I can't find my copy of it now and I can't even remember the title. I'll have to track it down somehow.
I have noticed very often, that my long term memory is very bad and that there are events that I have partially or completely forgotten, or don't remember the outcome off. They are just little snips of film in my memory with no beginning and no end. A lot of things are permanently lost. It's a little bit like being demented for certain periods of my life. Or having amnesia for portions of it.
I changed my clothes again half way through the day and went from demure to a little bit hippy style, I got these baggy trousers that have a built in skirt that I can wear my tunics over and wear leggings underneath for warmth. I wear a long sleeved tight T-shirt under the tunic for warmth and as a color accessory and a necklace, of course. I always wear the same earrings and those are the little titanium studs that my daughter got me so I will not have an allergic reaction.
Eduard and his brother were here this afternoon. It was a short visit, because for some reason his brother didn't have the patience to sit down properly and have a cup of coffee. Eduard had to download something from a website to a memory stick to fix his notebook and when he was done with that, his brother was ready to leave. I thought it was all kind of odd. I had expected a proper visit and one or two cups of coffee and some small talk, but there was none of that. Maybe his brother was uncomfortable with the situation, although neither I nor Eduard were. I sure didn't appreciate it and I must talk to Eduard about it and find out what was going on.
I saw my SPN this morning, but I'm afraid I was not in the proper mood to have a very productive discussion with her. The words wouldn't come, not did the thoughts and we only had half an hour. I always feel rushed when we have such a short amount of time and don't think I can start on anything important.
It's been a pleasure talking at you, but I must go. Read some more blogs and get ready to go to sleep. I bid thee adieu.
I stayed up too late last night, after I fell asleep on the sofa watching the news. Now I still don't know what happened in the world. Oh no, I am a badly informed citizen. Tsk, tsk, we can't have that. I'll have to read the BBC news on line in a bit.
It used to be, before I blogged, that I read a lot of news on line and there were a lot of news and opinion websites I visited. Mostly leaning to the left, if not a little bit radical, but that is how I am put together. I liked Alternet and CounterPunch a lot. I read the Guardian for its good reporting and the New York Times for the American news. Common Dreams was a good website too. I read the Onion for a while for its nonsensical humor, but it got old after a bit. I visited the Al Jazeera network, but found it to be as normal as any other network, with the same sort of reporting in the same style. Maybe less biased in its point of view of the Arab world than the western one. There were some Dutch sites I visited, but they would be meaningless to you. The Groene Amsterdammer was my favorite one.
All of that has fallen by the wayside now that I am blogging. I only watch the news on TV anymore, but I refuse to watch the news on the commercial channels. That's not news, that's showmanship.
My friend Joost (pronounce Yoast) is coming to visit me this weekend and I had to get some different kinds of groceries, because I can't expect him to subsist on what I eat. I haven't seen him for almost a year, so it will be nice to visit. He can sleep in my bed and I will sleep on the sofa and you know that is no hardship to me at all. See how well that works out? I have been practicing all this time.
Alright, I am fully awake now and will do some housework before I see my SPN this morning. I do have to get this place in order a little bit. Man, that coffee sure changes your outlook on life.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I bought so many groceries that I was loaded down with them on my bike and I very carefully had to ride it home. I rode it very slowly and took the curves with extreme care and I was very worried about becoming too wobbly and swerving onto the path of a passing car. I bought enough food for 5 days and the shopping bag that was hanging on my handle bars was very full. I had the rest in the bike bags on the back, which made me realize that I have to pump up my tires again. I'll let the Exfactor do that tomorrow. He's good at it. I'm not.
I learned today that I can make the Überhund go totally crazy by sweet talking to him in my nicest little 'isn't he a good puppy voice.' It makes him squirm and trample his feet and wag his stubby tail and make agitated little noises and whine and cry and generally go nuts. It is very mean of me, because he thinks it means that we are going to do something special, when I had no such thing in mind, so I had to give him a snack to get him to quiet down again. I am teaching him such bad manners, but he is an old dog and entitled to a few.
In anticipation of his new dog food that I ordered on line, I bought him a small bag of it today at the supermarket and he loves it and ate everything in his bowl. First he announced to the cats that he was going to, so he would have the opportunity to chase them away.
The cats are still very unhappy with their food and they eat it with clear disgust. I feel very sorry for them, but they have to hang in there just a few more days.
Half way through the day, I changed my clothes, suddenly feeling like a whole new look, away from the Pipi Longstocking image to the more sophisticated mature woman look. My jeans skirt is at my knees and I'm wearing plain grey cotton leggings with a very demure top, that is not in the least a rock and roll cut. It's nice to jump out of your own image into another one every once in a while.
The whole plaster and the steristrips had come off my wounds and I went to see the doctor's assitent this afternoon. She put on new steristrips and not a plaster, because it wouldn't stick, but a proper bandage, which is nice and tight and feels good and will keep things in place better. The wounds look good and they are healing well, but I'd rather not look at them yet. I know if there is no bandage there, I will obsessively keep looking at them and I don't want that. There is also the danger that I will pick at them and you know that I am not supposed to do that, so best keep the bandage on for a while.
Well, that's all I have to report for today. I just had a glass of something that i s a mxtue of yogurt and curds with fruit in it and it is very filling. It's something new I'm trying. Delicious!
Having said all that, I am instantly struck by writer's block and have no clue what to tell you next.
(Imagine a long pause here)
After asking my sister and my favorite aunt for advice and giving it a long hard thought, I called the Exfactor last night. I said, "If you and I are going to be friends, there are going to have to be some strict rules," and he answered, "Absolutely, I couldn't agree with you more."
So, here's the deal.
- We don't discuss our personal and intimate lives with each other. We don't need to know what the other one does in his/her spare time.
- Our friendship is autonomous, it has little to do with our shared past or with the people around us.
- It is spontaneous, as real friendships are, without a hidden agenda.
- We can call on each other for help whenever we feel the need, as long as it is within the other person's power to provide that help.
There, enough said about that. We'll see where it leads us.
(Imagine another long pause here)
One thing I absolutely have to do today is grocery shop. Yesterday I stopped by the little shop around the corner for some milk, but it is almost gone again. That's a handy little shop, but it is expensive to shop there. The first thing you see when you walk in there are chocolate covered biscuits, which is very tempting, of course.
Good news on the financial front. I got more money from the Tax Office, because they apparently thought my subsidies had been calculated too low. Can you imagine that? I put the money in my savings account just in case they say it is a mistake and I have to pay it back. I am still waiting for the letter with the most current decision in it. Does the one hand know what the other is doing? For now I will believe that my financial fortunes have taken a turn for the better. Something may be rotten in Denmark though, well, in this case that would be Iceland.
I think I'll go to the supermarket now and be one of their first customers. It will be nice to shop when it is not so busy yet. I've got my shopping list all ready to go.
Right, have yourself a nice day and pray for no rain! At least not while I'm out on my bike.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
What's really wonderful.
Do you know what really stinks? Someone, a woman, asked me to go out on a Friday night with her to a café and have drinks and see if we could pick up any guys and I know that I really don't want to go. I don't want to pick up guys or be rejected by guys, I don't want to do any of it. I also don't want to get drunk or the least bit tipsy and I don't want to stand there like a piece of meat for sale. I know this woman is looking for a boyfriend always, so that would be the express purpose of going. I have never liked doing this and I never will.
So, I guess I'm not going, huh?
Oh shit, there goes that mood again. I have to talk myself out of it. Sorry, I have to cut this short and take care of myself, I'll go for a walk with the dog.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
A terribly ordinary Tuesday.
Every night I tell myself that I'll sleep in my bed and every night I end up on the sofa, but I remember that I did this for a long while last year also. I guess it is just cozier and I fall asleep with the TV turned on low and I wake up some time in the night and turn it off when they repeat the news program. I listen to the news subliminally and in the morning I can tell you all about it.
The Überhund is really good about letting me sleep until whatever time I wake up. He is usually not in a rush in the morning. Once I am up, I can leisurely have my mug of coffee and my cigarettes before he starts to make urgent noises. Then we first have to do our pill ritual and the get dressed ritual and the get the shoes on ritual, which all takes a long time for him, but he waits patiently. He's a good dog.
I have had a good day. My mood has been steady, there have been no ups or downs like there have been lately and I am very happy for that. I kept an eye on the clock a little bit and was half anticipating a breakdown at he end of the afternoon, but nothing happened. I think making the decision not to see the Exfactor anymore and not having contact is a good one and it has sat my mind at ease.
As it is, he is coming over with his brother from Friesland on Thursday with his car to get some boxes out of the spare bedroom. I grudgingly agreed to that, because they do need to go and I have not seen his brother for almost a year. But that will be it then. I've got to remember to ask for the keys to the apartment too. He still has a set, because so many of his things were still here.
My friend Lucien said something very astute this afternoon. She said that to her it looked like the Exfactor had a hard time letting go of me too. I think she is right. He can not imagine a life with me not in it. He has two weeks vacation now and he kept inviting me to come up to see him with the train so we could go for bike rides together, because he has a spare bike.
Well, there will be none of that now and I feel a great deal of relief and a sense of freedom that I don't have to deal with this portion of my life for now. Divorced is divorced. It isn't being a little bit married still. I have to be autonomous and independent because that's what suits me best. I can't allow myself to get all tender hearted.
I was worried about having the divorce party and really feeling happy about that and putting on a cheerful face and I thought it was going to be difficult to pull off. Now I don't have to worry about that anymore either.
I have had to put a bandage around my arm, because the big plaster that my GP had put on it was starting to come off. I did do the dishes wearing a latex glove that fit kind of roomy. It's a bother to try and remember not to get that wrist and hand wet and I can't wear my watch, although I keep looking at the place where I normally wear it.
I haven't gone grocery shopping yet and I am down to the last little bit of everything. I am eking out the milk to make it last until tomorrow morning. It's really silly, but I couldn't get into the proper shopping frame of mind today. I was just waiting to see where my mood was going to take me and that was the most important thing. I can still go now, because the supermarket is open until 10 PM and maybe I will, if it isn't raining.
All in all it has not been a bad day and I am looking forward to ergo therapy tomorrow morning. I just would like to have more activities. Something on Friday mornings maybe. I have to find out if there is a possibility. There must be something. There is too much alone time in the week, that is not good, I need to have more people around me.
Well, goodness, before I get morose, let me stop writing right now and eat my delicious Cup a Soup. It is always so nice and thick and creamy the way I make it. It's a real treat.
Talk to you all tomorrow.
Your Autumn Test Results
You are a energetic, warm, optimistic person. You approach everything with a lot of enthusiasm.
When you are happiest, you are calm. You appreciate tradition and family. You enjoy feeling cozy.
You tend to be afraid of change. You are never ready for things to be different.
You find love to be the most comforting thing in the world. You feel at peace when you're with your loved ones.
Your ideal day is chill and uneventful. You prefer to kick back and take it easy.
You tend to live in the moment. You enjoy whatever is going on, and you don't obsess over the past or future.
Monday, October 20, 2008
As to today, well...I went to creative therapy, but sat on the smoking deck beforehand and one of my therapy friends came over very cheerfully to ask me how my weekend had been. Now, when your weekend has not been so good, how do you answer that? I said it had not been so good and then he asked me if I had done anything special. Well, I had, hadn't I, but I did not want to share that with him, so I said, "Yes, but I don't think I'll share that with you now." He very cheerfully took that as a hint that he should ask no further questions and changed the conversation to the weather, which was good, because we were freezing our buns off sitting in the cold air, smoking our cigarettes.
That was a good time to move to the smoking lounge which is a big word for a little unventilated room where we all sit on top of each other and inhale each other's smoke, but hey, that's what we choose for, right? For God's sake, don't make it in any way appealing to the smokers, that lepers bunch.
I went into the creative therapy studio early to explain the bandage around my arm to the therapist. I felt I owed her some explanation instead of just showing up and she was real good about it. No looks of horror, no gasps of disgust. Just acceptance, which is all I can ask for. Once everybody started trickling in, they pretended not to see the obvious, but of course they have all seen the scars on my arms and know why they are there, so two and two makes four quickly. It is nice to be around people who make no issue out of it and treat you just the same as they would on any other day. I think that's brave of them.
The Exfactor came over after I came home from creative therapy to take away every hobby knife that's in this apartment. He found 5 of them and he really looked in all the right places, so I won't have to go looking for one anymore. They are my choice of weapon. I explained to him without shame what happened yesterday, why it happened and what role my feelings for him play in it and that I was seriously considering not seeing him again for an indefinite amount of time, until I could be sure that I am no longer dependent on him and that my feelings for him are straightened out. I think he has a hard time with this, but I told him I would discuss it with my SPN. Every time I emphasized this need, he left the door wide open for me to walk back into.
My SPN showed up at 3 PM and I talked and cried for the next hour and a half. I felt like a woman having a nervous breakdown, but she kept appealing to my inner strengths and my sense of independence and self sufficiency. She reminded me of the fact that I have had these moods also when I was still married and that it didn't make any difference in the end if the Exfactor was there or not, because I am the one that takes the first step to the solution. She also reminded me of what I had gained by divorcing him and what I had been proclaiming all the 4 months previously. She said that the Exfactor is being a nice guy now and that makes me forget all the suffering, because I am not with him 24 hours a day. He is being a guardian angel on a part time basis and that makes him look good.
Then and there I made the decision not to see the Exfactor for an indeterminate amount of time and my SPN said that it was an adult decision.
After she left I had an appointment with my GP to look at the wounds in my arm, I knew I should have gotten stitches in them the same night it happened, but I just could not face the emergency room then. There is a time limit during which a doctor will put stitches in a wound and I was past that. Instead, after my GP got the wounds dry, he applied steri-strips and put a big plaster on it and I have to go back on Friday to have it looked at. I am not allowed to get that arm and hand wet, so no showering for me for a few days.
My SPN says that I don't deal well with negative emotions and let them overwhelm me and I said, "But my God, they are so huge." She says that I make them look bigger than they are by loosing track of myself. I always want to feel cheerful and happy and good natured and am very angry when I don't feel that way. I panic and loose my way in my own thoughts. I nearly self destruct. Her best advice to me is, that as soon as the negative mood hits me, to take 20 mg of temazepam and go to sleep, because I will feel better when I wake up.
I have another appointment with her on Friday and hopefully I will be feeling better by then. I think crying for an hour and a half may have helped me a bit. She asked me if I was going to call my psychiatrist back and I said that I didn't think so, because I was under the impression that he didn't give a damn. She said I shouldn't interpret other people's behavior without checking it with them. I said that he was free to call me if he felt like it.
I called the Exfactor and told him about my decision. He tried to make it sound less bad then it really is. He thinks there is a way open yet, but there isn't. I have to cut him off and he needs to come and get the rest of his boxes that are in the spare room. He is as familiar to me as the inside of my own hands and yet I have to let him go. No more rescue missions. I'm on my own, just like any other divorced woman.
Well, that was my story for tonight. It hurts, but it is good to get it all down. I need to eat now. I'd almost forget to do that in all my troubles.
Still, while I was making the cigarettes, the thought of my dysfunctional solution to the relief of my feelings did not leave my head and the idea grew bigger and bigger, until it seemed like the only thing left to do and when I had made the last cigarette, I went ahead and did just that. Afterwards, I felt a sense of relief and a dissipation of tension, which is what I always remembered feeling and I knew I had done enough damage. I took care of the wounds and bandaged them neatly and then I did what I should have done before. I called the crisis intervention line.
I had a very unsatisfactory talk with a professional counselor. We may as well have been discussing the weather and he suggested that I distract myself for the rest of the evening by watching TV. Inside me there was a person screaming for help and he wanted me to watch TV. I realized that this person was not going to be able to help me and I very courteously cut the conversation short after we ran out of words to say to each other. You go through the motions, you know?
Then I tried to call my psychiatrist on his mobile phone, but he was just sitting down for dinner and said it was a bad time for me to call. He didn't return my phone call.
I finally called the Exfactor, not knowing who else to call and he suggested taking extra sleeping pills and just going to sleep until the worst of it was over, which I did. I took a double dose of my strongest capsules and laid down on the sofa and slept for 4 hours and I feel somewhat better now, although trying to deal with the aftermath is like a drunk person waking up with a hangover.
I regret that my feelings have taken such a nose dive that this is the only solution I could come up with. At he same time, I am not sure if I regret the solution, as long as I don't do this again. I can't revert back to old ways. Then there will be no end in sight.
I would just like to pick up the pieces of my life again and get on with it and pretend that yesterday never happened. Sadly enough, there is a bandage around my arm to remind me that it did.
I want to be cheerful and happy and generally feel good and right now I feel that I am able to, except that I have to deal with the aftermath of yesterday, but yes, I feel very much better this morning compared to yesterday evening. Of course, that is part of the disorder, the tendency to have these complete changes of moods during the day and in each mood you forget what it is like to be in the other mood.
Right, wish me luck for today. I hope nobody comes down too hard on me. I'll let you know this evening how it all went, providing I am in the proper mood, of course.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I have taken my medicines and so has the Überhund and we have been for our walk where the Überhund saw a pile of trash that someone had dumped by the side of the road and I had a heck of a time pulling him away from it in another direction, because he was bound and determined to have his breakfast out this morning. I am always amazed at people who dump their trash on the road or in the bushes and I can't wait for the fines to be heftier for this like they are in California. Some Dutch people are real slobs and don't give a damn about their environment. We do have our anti social types here in abundance.
Sometimes, in the middle of the day, I look at what I am wearing and put on my thinking cap and try to imagine what I would like to wear instead. Then I go to my closet and look at all the possible combinations and put an outfit together with a matching necklace and when I am satisfied, I put it on. Then I am a well dressed girl with no place to go, but at least I look good and I know what I'll be wearing the next day, unless I change my mind. I'm like a rotten teenager, but I do pick up my discarded clothes and neatly put them back into the closet.
I washed my hair with olive soap, because of my eczema, and my hair is ever so soft and squeaky clean. I try not to wash it too often, as I have heard that that's not good either, but I use hairspray, so after a while I do need to wash it all out, although a lot of it gets brushed out. Olive soap is also good for washing your face with, it gets your make up off really well and gives you soft skin. I am trying to outsmart any possible wrinkles and sags, but the more I look, the less I like what I see. Therefor I use a lightly tinted day creme that is supposed to moisturize my face as well as give it a little color.
I think I need to use another moisturizer underneath it, because I think I am drying out like a prune and in the morning I have eyes with bags underneath them. I need to also get out the camouflage paint. And what's that new stuff? The powder that acts like a liquid? That sounds like good stuff. I never thought I was going to need so much help to keep me young looking, but lately I have joined the Jane Fonda battle, because I'm worth it, although I don't want to look as if it is requiring me any effort.
I've got the hairdo down pat. I wash it with olive soap and then rub it dry and put styling mousse in it. I comb it in the general shape I want it in and let it dry. Then I fire up the old curling iron and make some loose little curls on top. Then I fluff the whole thing around a bit with my fingers to get that fresh blown look and apply hairspray liberally. That's the cement that holds the whole thing together. Without it, I am lost. Over the next couple of days, my hair gets better looking as it remembers what to do and stays in place better. Newly washed hair is a pain in the butt, it is hard to get it to do what you want.
You would think I was a very shallow person the way I talk about hair and clothes, well, maybe I am. Maybe I concentrate on these things to keep the big issues out. Everybody has a hobby that they like to talk about, right? These things are my hobbies. After not caring for so long, I suddenly care so much and I am having a blast.
I am jealous of one thing. The Exfactor is constantly having people over for dinner and I think, well, what is wrong with me, why don't you invite me? And I know that it's because of the Paramount. That she can't stand to be in the same room with me. I must be an awfully threatening person to her if it is that bad. I like the people he invites over, I know them too. Hmph!
I will have to give my own dinner party and invite those people myself. The problem is that I would invite the Exfactor too and I would even invite the Paramount, but she would not show up here. Dilemmas, dilemmas. I would serve salmon, by the way.
Now I could go for a nice glass of cold white wine, but I have none in the house and my sister isn't home to beg one off. It will just have to be a cup of coffee then. And maybe a Cup a Soup.
Right, that's it for me for today then. Have yourself a good one. A peaceful Sunday.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Another day, but not another dollar...
Again, for the umpteenth day in a row, I have hardly done anything, but I must add that I did hardly anything in a much better frame of mind and I am much less disconnected and absentminded and removed from reality, so the extra dose of Risperdal is working and that was a good move on the part of my SPN, because I would not have thought of it myself.
Because she is going to come and visit me on Monday, I have designated tomorrow as housecleaning day and I will really go to town then and have this place sparkle, ahum...let me not exaggerate that. It will be picked up and semi clean and if you want to you can try and eat of the floors, but I would not recommend it. I am not washing the windows, for instance, that would be silly and give a wrong representation of myself.
I have hung up the icon and feel very virtuous now. Mary's eyes follow me all around the room and keep check on everything I do. I have to be good for her sake as she is holding a little adult looking version of Jesus. Two angels hover near her head, doubtlessly whispering virtuous messages into her ears. "You are holding the son of god, be good for goodness sake." Joseph is nowhere in the picture, he just played a supporting role.
I wonder about these nuns committing themselves as brides to Jesus and never knowing the pleasures of the flesh. Were they unfulfilled as women, although I could live as a nun now, but I am 54 and past menopause. Obviously, they never felt the need to beautify themselves and to only be another identically clad member of their order.
That reminds me, when I was dressed in my rock and roll clothes the other day, and tripping down the sidewalk downtown, I crossed glances with a nun and she gave me a big smile. I wonder what she was thinking? There but for the grace of God go I, oh, you misguided woman, you? I do have a soft spot for nuns, because I can never decide if they are misguided or heavenly inspired and tougher than us. If they have a serenity that we will never achieve?
I told the Exfactor that he should be glad that he lives in a nunnery, because all of his ghosts that will come to haunt him will be kind and holy and watch out over him. I wonder how they feel about sex, though? Maybe they'll toss one of the commandments at him on a stone slate. Maybe I should pray to the icon and light a candle there. Does Mary listen to heathens?
Well, one thing there is no shortage of around here is blasphemy in the most respectful way. The Dutch think they are the lost tribe of Israël.
I bought myself 3 pairs of leggings today, as I have come to enjoy wearing them better than my jeans and I do like wearing skirts and dresses. I like the thick cotton leggings the best, as they keep me warmest, but you can layer them also, a thin pair under a thicker pair with warm socks. I bought a bright blue wooden bead necklace for 6 euros and I'm wearing it now and it is very cheerful. One of my necklaces broke, but I am an optimist and consider myself lucky in that all my necklaces break while I'm at home, so I haven't lost one yet. Knock on wood.
It is strictly forbidden to smoke in the train station and you can get a fine, but last night, I and 2 other women did just that when our train was delayed by 10 minutes and we were bored waiting. The platform was nearly deserted and we saw no one official looking and took a chance. I was going to speak English if they caught me and plead ignorance.
One time I smoked in the ladies toilet when I was at the airport in Amsterdam, that's how badly I needed a cigarette. Damned the fine. Café owners are letting their patrons light up inside and then en mass call the cops, who then as a result become so overwhelmed with work that they can't go to all the cafés to enforce the new law. There is anarchy in the country about this. The law will falter and become history. You can't tell a Dutchman what he can't do. Coffee shop owners were told that their patrons couldn't smoke their hash on the premises and that they had to stand on the sidewalk, which caused a problem, so the police sent them back inside.
A government led by Christian Democrats is not a free government, but a government that wants to tell you what's good for you.
Don't get me started...the socialist in me gets very frustrated. I just received a book in the mail from my political party called 'Modern Socialism' and I will be reading that carefully.
Now it's time for me to take the Überhund for his walk and get some fresh air, although it will be cold air. Never mind. I'll put on layers and not suffer.
Finally, the weekend.
We took the train to Sittard and from there I took the bus to Born, while the Exfactor rode his bike there. He did some grocery shopping and we met each other almost right at the bus stop where I got off.
Born is a nice little town and the way to the cloisters is real pretty. It goes by the church and the cloisters is right behind it. Nuns used to live there, but it was closed when the last nuns were to old to live there any longer. It actually looks like a big villa and has a double garage with electric doors.
Inside there were many boxes to unpack, but luckily there was much built in storage and with a little bit of imagination, things were put away quickly. We paused for a glass of white wine every now and then and a cigarette, which I am sure the little nuns would have frowned upon. We were done in a few hours time and things looked much improved and almost cozy. The Exfactor just needs to hang some good posters on the walls and buy some lamps and it will look great.
The Exfactor has several browsers on his computer, like Linux and Dreamworks and everywhere his wallpaper is a picture of the Paramount. I think, "You left me for her?" It is inconceivable, but it is very obvious that he is very much in love, because what the heart is full of, the mouth flows over from.
I took the train back to Maastricht in the dark, which was very cozy and reminded me of the fact that I always like traveling in the evening, because of the solitary lights you see in the landscape until you get to a populated area. The #4 bus took me home, where the Überhund was waiting impatiently for me. We had a good old cuddle and I was glad to be in my own apartment again, surrounded by my own things, although I had taken an icon from the cloisters that was hanging next to a picture of Bambi. I have a perfect place to hang it up. It isn't a valuable one, don't worry.
So, that was my little impromptu adventure for that day and I must say that it was fun, because I do like creating order out of chaos and now I have a good idea of where the Exfactor lives. It's a very large place and you could roller skate in it.
I slept on the sofa as usual and had the most interesting dreams, which are too complicated to narrate here, but that do symbolize all sorts of things for me. Mostly how some men suffer under the wrath of a bossy and manipulative woman, and let it happen to them, and if they are set free, how they can achieve all sorts of marvelous things on their own. I think my first reference in this is my own father, who achieved a lot, but only under the very restrictive domination of my mother and I wonder what he could have achieved on his own. He might have been like Vincent van Gogh.
Anyway, today is Saturday and a very fine day to clean the apartment. I hope I can keep my mind on the tasks and just do them. Vacuum cleaning isn't that difficult, neither is scrubbing the toilet. You don't need a degree in civil engineering to do them, although I wouldn't mind the pay.
I am going to act as if this is just an ordinary day for me and not pay attention to the oddness of my frame of mind and hope it clears itself up. We'll see. The extra Risperdal may help.
Off I go to take my medicines and give the Überhund his and then we'll go for our walk in the crispy cold Autumn air.
Friday, October 17, 2008
I've had a very good sleep on the sofa last night, after the Überhund and I ate what was left in the small peanut butter jar with a teaspoon. It was mighty tasty and we had a real feast. I love the way he tries to eat of the spoon like a human does. Since I don't eat bread anymore, I thought we'd finish the peanut butter this way. It was an ingenious thought.
My SPN just called and we had a long talk and in talking with me she became worried about depersonalization and me losing contact with reality and possibly becoming psychotic, so we have raised my dose of Risperdal. I do feel a disconnectednes from the world and I still feel as if time is slipping me by and I am passively watching it happen. I suppose writing these posts is a way of staying connected to all of you.
It is very important that I keep a schedule in my day and there is no better way than taking the Überhund for walks regularly. I am glad to have him to force me to have the responsibility on a daily basis. It's good to be responsible for something other than myself, because I could easily let myself go. Sit around all day in my bathrobe without my hair combed and my make up done.
Writing wears me out. I am going to do some laundry. Dry the dishes and put them away. Have a cup of coffee. Breathe deeply.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Later in the evening.
What did begin to dawn on me, how ever, was that my mood was plummeting and that I was sliding down into a depression, although you can't call it that officially unless you've had it for 2 weeks in a row. Possibly this is just a temporary setback and it will be cleared up in no time, but it doesn't feel like that right now. The joy of live has gone out of me a bit. That what I enjoyed before and got excited about, leaves me unmoved now. I felt like sitting down on the sofa and having a good old bawl about it, but I know the tears won't come.
I called my SPN, but she was not in today, she will be back in tomorrow and I left a message for her to call me back. My psychiatrist is not in all week. Facing 4 days by myself seemed like an enormous obstacle and I called the Exfator and asked him if he could come over, which he did later this afternoon. He has agreed to come and check on me a few times a week for the next couple of weeks until we now where I stand. There is no ulterior motive behind this, I simply need a body to come and check on me and have a cup of coffee with me and talk to me for half an hour.
I can't ask my sister to do this, as she has not the proper frame of mind to concern herself with me now. We are several light years apart in our thinking and both tell each other cheerfully that we are doing fine. As a matter of fact, my sister insists on it.
If this is going to turn into a true depression, I'll have to make the best of it and get through it the best way I know how. That means staying on top of everything constantly and not letting it get me too down and out. I still need to function.
Okay, that's all I had to add.
I am in an odd frame of mind which I will call disconnectedness or absentmindedness. Somehow the minutes and the hours tick away without me really being aware of them and I sit behind the computer and play without a mind to anything of importance that I might be doing, such as checking my google reader, or my Facebook or my page on six sentences or Hyves. I even forget to check my emails. I just sit and play as if there are not a hundred other things I could be doing and I am like a person in a bubble and what is outside my bubble, doesn't exist.
I am going to let it be so, it is like floating in a semi dark sea that is warm and comfortable and fairly silent and nothing complicated happens there. The cats and the dog are with me, that is all. I suppose it is an inter fall between moods, like I have taken shelter in a monastery and I have taken the vow of silence. I am wrapped in a cloak of comfort and solitude. The world does not exist and even if I have to go out in it, it only exists in my peripheries.
I contemplate nothing, I am as shallow as an undeep rain puddle. There are no deep depths. and undertows. There are no underwater caverns to discover. There is only an absentminded me on the surface who forgets to pay attention to what goes on around her. I rely on the dog to sound the alert if there is danger.
I suppose I am disassociating a bit, but there is no harm in it. I still have both my feet on the ground and I am not floating off to never never land. I have a great desire to go to the store to buy something excellent to eat and be completely absorbed by the food and tune out all that is around me for half an hour. I have to comb my hair and fix my face and walk the dog. I have to somehow become a little bit more operative, yet stay disconnected.
So, forgive me this short post while I try to figure out what I am capable off.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I really don't know what happened to today. It seems like I have been up for hours and hours, but don't ask me what I filled them with, because I don't have a huge long story to tell you.
I woke up at 6 AM, which is really too early, because I can tell I'm not done sleeping yet by the half defeated way I sit behind the computer with my coffee and cigarettes. I am trying to be cheerfully wide awake, but I am only fooling myself, but of course, I think it is too late to go back to bed, because I have to walk the dog and do ten other things before I go to ergo therapy.
It's just a bad habit, waking up at 6, and I must snap out of it. Tomorrow I don't have to go anywhere and I will go back to sleep if it is the last thing I do.
Ergo therapy was fine. Hardly anyone was there for some reason and we had a very mellow morning, although there was the usual round of How Are You and What Is Happening In Your Life. It's not everywhere that you get to sit and tell what your week has been like and what sort of emotions and moods you've had to go with that and what you have learned from that and how you are not going to repeat some of those things again.
Well, needless to say, I don't have to explain here what I talked about there, so I'll make short shrift of that. Blah, blah, blah...
I came home to a happy Überhund who wanted to climb into my armpit and nestle there. I am afraid he is a little bit too big for that and I can't quite tuck him under my arm.
I had a quick cup of coffee and we went for a walk, all the while expecting it to start raining, because the sky looked threatening and there was a wind blowing. Luckily, it stayed dry and there are so many leaves on the ground now, masses and masses of them and it is fun to walk through them and hear the noise your feet make when you do. Here and there big piles of them lie about and the Überhund pees on them as he marks his territory. He has a very busy life.
In the mail there was a letter from the Tax Office saying that I had to pay back all of the subsidy money that I had gotten so far, no explanation as to why. I called them up and asked them what the meaning was. I was put on hold and then told not to worry about it now, because another letter with another decision was on its way to me. I am absolutely not going to break my head about it, because they are absolutely wrong and I am sure that the next letter will say so. That's all I'll say about until I get the next letter. Bah humbug!
Then I laid down on the sofa to watch the afternoon news and the next thing you know it is two hours later and I was completely off kilter and had no idea what day it was and what time of day. It took me a little while to get myself back to normal.
For some reason, I was so discombobulated, that I thought I had done something wrong that I should be ashamed about and I was trying to remember what it could have been and what the last couple of days had been like and what I had done. I used to have this feeling quite badly every time I woke up my whole life. It was a built in feeling of shame and guilt for something that I thought I had done, but never had. With it came an ever increasing feeling of self hatred, which became unbearable to live with and it made waking up a complete hell. I have outgrown it now, but every once in a great while, little bits of it come back.
Anyway, from that point on things become a little foggy to me. I don't know rightly how I spent the rest of the day. I didn't do anything that was of any importance. The time just slipped away and somehow it became evening and I had forgotten to walk the Überhund, which I then did. I think I took my medication, but I'm not sure. Like I said, it is a bit foggy.
I know that when I have a hard time mentally, I zone out. I mean I tune things out and stop paying attention to what is happening around me. I stop noticing what time it is and if the sun goes down and if it is dark outside and if it is raining. I don't notice the animals. It's a coping strategy. I have been known to do it for months at a time. That's when I was severely depressed. I only stayed in bed then.
I am not tuned out anymore now, although I am having a little bit of a hard time coming back to earth. That's why I am going to stop writing now and take some time to sit and pet the animals and come home to myself.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Do it now!
So, I am sitting here for a while, instead of going to the tobacco store where I need to get some tobacco and filter tubes and a chocolate candy bar, but not a Mars bar. Probably a Bros. Light and airy. The Exfactor came by at noontime to wash his laundry and will be by later to pick it up and I need to run my errand before that time, otherwise he can't get in. I am not in love with him anymore, but just love him now as a human being and the way I love other people in my life and I told him so. I don't know what that does to his male ego, but there you have it.
My mood changes are a thing of the past. I sure got rid of them quickly by handling them adequately and appropriately. I find it is much easier to deal with these kinds of things on my own, because you don't have to dramatize your behavior to get your point across to the other person and the other person doesn't desperately have to come up with all the wrong solutions and that gives you a chance to come up with the right solutions yourself. It is much simpler and easier and you get done quicker.
My SPN says that the rapid mood changes belong to the borderline personality disorder and it is something we need to look into deeper, because I handle sinking into a hole well, but I don't manage the hypomanic stage well. I have a tendency to let the pleasure of it just wash over me, darn the consequences, and that is not good, of course. Whatever triggers the mood changes, and we may never know, I must resist acting upon them and find a better way to react to them and not impulsively give myself over to them as if I have no free will, but I say I am like an alcoholic looking for a drink when I get that way.
So, we've got our work cut out for us and will be tackling this very seriously before I land in the poorhouse. She's coming over here for a home visit next week and that will motivate me to clean the apartment a bit. Only a bit, I don't want to overdo it and give the wrong impression, ha ha. She mustn't get the idea that I have all my shit together all the time when in fact I don't, but just sort of muddle along competently.
The animals will be all over her and since she wears black a lot, she will be covered in hair in no time and I'll have to vacuum her before she leaves.
I am going to be taking the 20 mg temazepam permanently or for as long as I need it to help me sleep well, because it does make a difference. I have been sleeping on the sofa. For some reason my bed seems like a not attractive place to sleep right now. It is too cold and uncozy in there. I like to sleep on the sofa, because it makes me feel as if I am right in the middle of everything and the Überhund sleeps right beside me and the cats on top of me.
Right, now I'm going to the tobacco store. I'll be back in a jiffy.
Been there, done that, ate my chocolate bar, was delicious. The Überhund watched me eat it and didn't get a bit of it, instead he got his own snack. I don't know if he ate it with as much relish, but he ate it.
Now I've completely lost my train of thought and don't know what to tell you next, except that the lady in the tobacco store now knows what I want when I come in without me telling her. She reaches for the item before I say what I want. Pretty good, huh? Support your local small retailer.
Actually, I don't know why I eat chocolate bars. They taste great while I eat them, but I always feel a little sick afterwards. I wonder why I don't put two and two together and come up with four. It must be my highly disconnected mind which allows me to go through unpleasant experiences without wondering why I am. What the cause may be. It's all suppressed.
Tomorrow I am having that wonderful ergo therapy again. Why am I being scathing about it? A new woman joined and whenever anyone says they are having a problem with something, she pipes up and declares how she never does because of how she handles it. I'll toss a shoe to her head if she keeps doing it. We'll have a rumble.
Well, I suppose that's it for me then. I am wide awake again and in need of a very large mug of hot coffee, albeit decaf. I just need it to wash the chocolaty flavor away and wash it out of my little stomach. Have a good rest of the day wherever you are.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I took a sleeping pill last night and woke up at the very late hour of 7:30 AM. Well, that's late for me and I do need my navel staring time, besides walking the dog and making cigarettes for the day and all the other little jobs I do to get ready before I leave for creative therapy. I didn't rush, though. I figured I would get there on time or just too late and either one would be okay.
The Überhund got a shorter walk and he seems to know this, because he pees more efficiently on the way back home. Smart dog. He doesn't skip a bush or tree. Then I even remembered to take my medication and give the Überhund his, which was good, because when in a rush it is easy to forget. That's why I tried to move at the same pace that I normally do.
I was 5 minutes late when I got to creative therapy and there were people coming in after me, so it was no big deal. The nice thing about this therapy is that there is always fresh coffee and there are always cookies, which I make sure I have my share of, for as much as I am able to eat them. I consider them my breakfast.
The collage I am working on, I had started when I was very upset and as a result I had not put the upside down picture down well enough and left many bubbles in them, with the result that when I tried to remove the backs of them, most of the picture came away too, so the whole thing was sort of a disaster. Not to worry, though. I plowed through all the magazines and found new pictures and pasted them right side up, not willing to risk another bubble damaged fiasco and changed the theme of the collage a bit.
When I had them pasted down, I dried them with the hair dryer and started applying different color washes, drying each one with the hair dryer before applying the next. You can push the paint around with the hair dryer in little streams that randomly flow all over the collage and give a neat effect. Now that I have applied all the different color washes, I have to think of what to do next that is interesting and I have a whole week to find inspiration. The pictures to me really play a secondary role to the colors. I am especially fond of the color red and use it the most.
After therapy, a group of us go to the smoking deck and have coffee and cigarettes there and unwind for a while. Somebody gave me cookies to take home to the Überhund, which he was mighty happy with. We sit and talk about just ordinary things, like what it is like to be a psychiatric patient in a world filled with 'normal' people and how you can never quite make the connection with the ordinary people about your disorder, because somewhere along the line you lose those people as they haven't shared your experience. That is why it is nice to be in contact with fellow sufferers; you don't need to say much, because there is much common knowledge. And you can joke about it too.
The last few days have been incredibly beautiful for the time of year and during the day we don't need to wear a jacket. It feels a little bit like late summer. It's supposed to stay this way through Wednesday and then it will be Autumn weather again, woe is me. I have been wearing my thin pretty leggings and my mini skirt, but I'll just wear thicker leggings and face the cold.
I have decided to not do the dance therapy, because I am incredibly uncomfortable with it. We're supposed to move from out of our hips as if there is a string with a cork hanging from our female parts and I just can't get past that picture and get the movement right. I feel like a broomstick that is trying to bend in the middle and do it graciously without breaking. It's Eastern dancing and not at all what I had in mind when I joined up. It is the main movement and the one that all the rest is centered around. I can not do this with any sort of grace and I find a high amount of ridiculousness in it. I don't like to do things badly and inadequately. I know it is not going to be appreciated that I quit, but I did want to do some other therapies that were not available and dance was the only option, I was told. We'll see.
My mood has been good today, it has gone neither up nor down. It is just a regular old mood, the same as any old person has them, I suppose. I haven't felt like spending any money yet, but there is always the possibility that I will through an on line store, which is so very tempting and always hangs in front of me like a carrot dangles in front of a donkey. Can you get that picture? Just like my mother, I am clothes obsessed and always want more and better clothes than what I have already. Of course, I do empty my closet of clothes that have become to big on me and give those to the recycle store on a regular basis. But that's just an excuse. I always want to feel that I am the best dressed woman in the room. I love and adore clothes and I have good taste.
Hurry on to a different subject! I have been buying nonfat yogurt with fruit in it and I find it very satisfying to eat. It is filling and it tastes good and it is nice and cool and thick like a pudding. I have given up on eating bread, it just wasn't a success anymore. Not even the smaller slices of raisin bread. I had been looking at the müesli bread that they sell at the super market, because it seems like it would be so healthy to eat, but I am not going to take a chance and buy it. It would probably all go to waste.
I am very hooked on fruit juice and the one I drink has a lot of pulp in it and I do love that, especially when I get to the last bit that is left in the container. I have a pint of that every day. I think I drink about a liter of milk everyday, subtract some for the cats. I wish I could eat cheese, but I haven't tried that in a while; I especially like the soft French cheeses like Brie. I also haven't had any eggs in a few months. The last time I tried those, it wasn't a big success and I thought I would not buy another carton and have them go to waste.
So, basically I live on milk, fruit juice, nonfat yogurt with fruit and Cup a Soup, but when I'm hungry I eat and I do eat cookies and chocolates when I get the chance, I don't say no to goodies. Oh yes, when I make rice for the Überhund, I make it with bouillon and lots of spices and I eat that too, like basmati rice, mmm...
Well, now I am good and hungry and I'll stop and have something to eat. I have 5 flavors of Cup a Soup and I think that's quite a luxury.
Have a very good evening and thank you for all the supportive comments when I go through a rough time. I really appreciate them very much. You guys are the best.