The Most Splendid Day
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Now I'm sitting here all nice and comfortable with my second mug of coffee and the Überhund at my feet. Outside it is 1 degree Celsius and it is raining, causing the Überhund to decline going out back for a piddle. Well, I can't blame him. I wouldn't voluntarily go outside either in this weather.
Once I got the show on the road yesterday, I walked to the tobacconist with him and he enjoyed that, because it is a different direction than we usually take and there was a lot for him to sniff. We had to stop at every tree and every lamppost to check out which dogs had been there. They were all strange dogs, of course, so the Überhund was quite busy.
Inside the tobacconist he was very impatient to go back outside again, he just doesn't like to be in strange places. He thinks they're all scary and he gets claustrophobic. He's always pointed to the door. If he could audibly heave a sigh of relief when we leave, it would be a very large one.
Then again, there is all that fun on the way home of checking out all those same spots again and relishing all those strange smells and hopefully finding something edible. He's a street junkie. He has eaten something before I can stop him, he's that quick. When I say, "Drop it," he swallows it, whatever it was. He is very nondiscriminatory. I think he eats inedible junk too.
I have to remember that I'm a daytime person and not pay attention to my moods in the evenings. There is such a difference between how I feel during the day and how I feel after the sun has gone down. I don't know if that's a coincidence. I can be very down on myself and everything and everybody around me. It has gotten to the point now, that I know I shouldn't comment on any blogs that I read, or write a post myself. I'm terribly grumpy on top of that and feel like picking fights with people, even when there is nobody around.
I have imaginary disagreements in my head and I am always angry when I have those. I don't feel that way during the day, so it is like a page has been turned over and I have suddenly moved from one scene to the next. The mood changes quickly, like a sudden change in the weather. Suddenly I am not a kind tolerable person anymore, but an unkind and intolerant bitchy woman.
The best thing that can happen, is that I recognize these changes in my mood and that I don't act on them, but back off any actions and go find a quiet place where I can do no damage. So, I put on my pajamas and turn on the TV and watch some inane program that takes my mind off everything and makes me sleepy. It's a good thing that I am alone then and don't go into a discussion with anyone.
By all rights this blog should be called 'The Finely Tuned Woman.' It's a shame that I didn't think of that earlier. The Idiosyncratic Watermelon is a good second , though. I like that word, idiosyncratic, it comes close enough to idiot and don't worry, I don't really think I am one. Complicated, yes, crazy, no.
Luckily, I go to sleep and I hopefully sleep long enough for it to be healing. Then I can wake up in the morning with a whole new attitude and be a kind and positive person again.
I woke up at 3 AM and thought, "What, am I supposed to be awake already now?" But then I realized that I just had to go to the toilet and when I was done, I crawled in bed again and very quickly was asleep again until 8 AM. If I'm not too stubborn, I can actually sleep for a long time.
I do have to get a second alarm clock, since the one I have is set for the times that I take my medicines. I'll have to ask the Exfactor if he has the spare one. He is coming by this afternoon, because he accidentally took my bicycle keys with him.
Well, I suppose I'll get going now. It is late and I still have to do my morning ritual. I think it has stopped raining too, so I have to walk the Überhund. See you all tomorrow.
P.S. Yes, I have done the unthinkable and unpredictable and added a new name and image. I am incorrigible and will never learn. It makes me unreliable and a general pain the neck, I know.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Getting enough sleep sure changes your outlook on life, because last night I thought I was depressed and this morning I no longer think so and that is only due to getting enough sleep. Why do I never remember that? Maybe it is because I don't realize when I haven't had enough sleep. Nevertheless, you'd think that that would be the first thing I'd think of when I get down.
My mind sure tricks me. It makes me assume the worst is happening when the most simple solution is at hand. I haven't had enough sleep for quite awhile, so that explains the mood I've been in. What I think is depression, is actually pure exhaustion. I just don't recognize it as such.
Anyway, the Exfactor came over yesterday afternoon to do the groceries for me. He has been a great help to me and he does it cheerfully. I feel so much better, that I will be able to do the shopping myself now. The anti-inflammatory medication has helped a lot and I hardly feel any pain anymore. I can breathe deeply without it hurting too much. As a result, I have been able to take the Überhund for his normal walks, instead of the short ones, and we both enjoy those a lot better.
I get along fine with the Exfactor, but I do notice that I have very little conversation material. There is so much that I don't talk about with him, that there is very little left that I do discuss with him. I don't really want to make him part of my new life, so I don't talk about all the things that I do in my therapy groups, for instance. I don't tell him about the people I meet there and the funny things that happen. I certainly don't tell him about my personal thoughts or about my worries or my hopes for the future. He's not my best friend in that sense of the word.
Actually, now that I think of it, I don't think that I have such a person in my life, other than my SPN. I am too much of a guarded person in real life, contrary to the impression that you get from me here. I don't really get up close and personal with anybody. Well, I did with the Exfactor when I was still married to him, but that was it. I don't really have a best friend.
Never mind. My mother always said about me, 'still waters run deep' and she was right, I keep a lot of what I think inside of me. My son was the same way. You could see him think about everything that took place around him, but he would not comment until the right moment and then something incredibly sage and funny would come out.
Clearly, nobody could have predicted what a waterfall of 'speech' I could be when given a blog and the right to communicate freely without an editor.
Now, back to today. The Überhund is sound asleep at my feet. He piddled out back and I think I can sit here and finish my coffee before I have to get the day started for sure. I always like to postpone that moment as long as possible, because there is something so cozy about sitting here with my bathrobe on and my coffee and my cigarettes before I have done anything. Writing a post doesn't count as doing anything. That's pure self indulgence.
Nevertheless, I do have to get the show on the road. Some small amount of responsibility does remain intact and I know I can't sit here forever. We have to take our medicines and I have to get dressed and made up. I have wasted half the day now, although I must say that it has been a great way to waste it. I can think of no better way.
Hope you all have a great day. It's the weekend, hurray!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Eating the yogurt was dangerous, because I am always tipping the glass over which is still half full when I start to nod off and the contents threaten to spill all over the area rug and the sofa. Smoking the cigarettes speaks for itself. I do have very lucid nano seconds during which I realize that I have to put the cigarette out in the ashtray before something bad happens. I figure it's my guardian angel shaking me awake to prevent me from catching on fire. I am very grateful to my guardian angel.
So, what do you do then? Well, in my case, you get up and make yourself a mug of coffee and turn on the computer and hope that there are blogs with new posts. Of course, it being Thanksgiving in the States, there weren't that many new posts and it is nighttime in Europe, so those people are all asleep. Then you amuse yourself by clicking on blogs on other peoples websites and you hope you find something interesting to read, or you go to Black Boxes, but I always seem to end up on the same blogs that I'm not interested in, so I must make the wrong choices.
Then, because your so terribly bored, you think, "I know, I'll write a very amusing and entertaining post myself!" and that is what you set out to do. Except that the part of your brain housing your humor nodule isn't quite awake yet and needs another shot of caffeine.
Actually, what is really wants is an orange juice with vodka, but that is a road we won't travel today. That's like throwing caution to the wind, and although I am all for it, I don't know how well I type when I am inebriated. I am trying to remember if I have any experience with that, I think I do, but I don't recall how well I did then. Luckily, there is always spell check to depend on.
If I'm not mistaken, today is Friday and another week has raced by like it was the Kentucky Derby. I tell you, the older you get, the faster the time goes by. Hours seem like minutes, etc. There is absolutely no sense in trying to make time slow down by savoring each moment. The minutes fly by like swallows in a storm. I can meditatively sit on the sofa or be completely be occupied behind the computer, but the result is all the same, suddenly the day is over and I feel like there should be hours left to do things in. The fact that it gets dark so early doesn't help. You do feel that the day gets done faster and that you ought to go to bed sooner, because your physical clock tells you to.
Nevertheless, time races by and a year seems to come and go in a fraction of the time it did when I was younger. I laugh at one year now, it seems like nothing, when before 3 months seemed like a lifetime. There was 3 months time between my engagement and marriage to my first husband and I didn't see him for all that time and it seemed like an eternity to me. Of course, when you are in love, days apart seem like an eternity.
The Überhund is giving me forlorn looks, whatever they are supposed to mean, it could be anything. Lately, they have mostly been about wanting another snack. He thinks he is especially deserving of them, because he is so well behaved when I put the ointment in his eyes, but also at other times. It is true, he is being a very well behaved dog and I don't know what I have done to deserve it. Maybe it is my 'I ignore you if you act that way' attitude. Thanks to having had kids, I find that I can ignore obnoxious behavior a bit easier than the Exfactor could. I tune him out if I don't want to hear him. He has learned that it doesn't work to pester me and he gives up quickly. It took us a while to get there, but we did in the end.
Well, I am going to put this not so hilarious post to bed. Just the post, mind you, not me. I am going to take my medication and take the Überhund for a walk. I never did get that humor nodule to wake up completely.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I came by this appropriate award the easy way. It was handed out by Flowerpot to anyone who came by her blog and I couldn't resist taking it. Can you blame me? I am never very hesitant about those things, or bashful for that matter. If I see some bling that I like, I take it and figure that somehow I have deserved it.
Of course, there is the matter of handing it out, but since I came by it so easily, I think you should all do like I did and if this award appeals to you, then please feel free to take it and add it to your blog. I am sure every one of you deserves it and I am not going to sit here and decide which of you does and does not. Go ahead and be bold. Take it!
Have a good evening.
I've been up...
I am reading such an odd book. It is written by Josepha Mendels and it is translated from French into Dutch, titled, "Everything well with you." It's a story about a university student who sits at a café table outdoors and has his feet swept away by a waiter. Now, obviously he is going through some mental crisis, but that aspect of it is not discussed. The fact is that his feet are gone and what does he do about it?
The funny part is, that he walks home without any problem and that doesn't seem to puzzle him. It's interesting to read a French-Jewish existential novel that is so surrealistic. I am planning on finishing it, because I do like to have my head turned upside down and the translation is sometimes really funny. Take a purely impossible situation as a given fact and build a story around it as if it is the most normal thing to do, then translate it from French into Dutch and watch it all become even more strange.
I need to go to second hand book stores and replenish my supply of books. I am almost out of English language books to read and I think I only have a few Dutch language books left, under which James Baldwin. There is a good second hand book store downtown and I'll have to go over there next month if I have any money left after all the bills are paid. There is a good book store on line where I can also order English language books with a discount, but that is a little bit too dear to me right now. Besides, isn't it great to get a really good bargain?
I have a lot of cubbyholes free in the book case now that the Exfactor's books are gone. That's all my space now, Mine, all mine! I get very melancholy when I think of all the books that are out there to read and the limited time I have to read them in. I would love to be set free in a really good bookstore with a 1,000 Euro voucher and take an afternoon to pick out books. I wouldn't even care if most of them were in Dutch, I can read that language easily now. Well, I ought to, being a Dutch woman, right?
I remember the day when I realized I could read. I must have been about five years old and I was sitting at the diningroom table with a story book. I was looking at a particular picture and the words beneath it and suddenly I knew what the words meant and I thought to myself, "Hey, I can read." I yelled out loud, "I can read. I can read," but I don't remember who was home. It was on a Saturday morning and the sun was shining outside. The picture was a black and white print of a wooden shoe with sails on it.
Memories, they aren't all bad.
Well, now I have to go do my morning routine. Everything in the right order so I don't forget anything. I get so easily discombobulated if I do things the wrong way around.
Have a great day and I hope the sun shines for you.
P.S. Look, i know I said I wouldn't change the name and the image, but I was so unhappy with what was there, that I just had to. You're all just going to have to keep voting and you have 2 days left to do it. Thank you very much.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Wednesday evening and all is well...
We can't go anywhere for a while, because I am awaiting a delivery from the pharmacy. Because the pain in my ribs was getting worse since Monday, I called the doctor's office and I am getting an anti-inflammatory medication that should help me quite a bit. I have to take a pill against stomach upset along with it. I have had it in the past and never had problems with it, so it should be okay. I realized how bad things were when I was talking on the phone this morning and I kept running out of breath.
I have been very lazy today to the point that I only did the dishes and some laundry and walked the Überhund. I figure any sort of exertion now is not okay. As a result, I am completely up to date on reading all my blogs, although I admit to giving some of them a lick and a promise. You can't get equally excited about everything all the time. I try, but realize I can't keep up the pace.
I think I spend an inordinate amount of time doing things that have to do with blogging and I wish it was a money making venture. For all the effort I put into it, it should be. Sometimes, like today, it feels like a full time job. It may be advantageous for me to find a job where I spend lots of time behind a computer, but then I very much would miss my coffee and my cigarettes, so I would have to chew gum or something. Blow bubbles and have them pop on my face.
Remember when you were a kid and you wanted your bubble gum to last a very long time and it got very old and you would blow bubbles that would explode on your face and the gum would be very sticky and hard to get off and you had to peel and scrape all the little bits of gum off your cheeks and nose?
Was Bazooka gum a European thing? It was a chunk of pink bubble gum in a wrapper with a lame cartoon on it. Everybody chewed Bazooka gum.
Anyway, now I am sitting here waiting for the pharmacy to make their delivery and I think it is a very decent thing that they do. I do have to walk to the mailbox to mail a contract for the Digitenne and take the Überhund with me at the same time, but I'll have to wait.
I have been on the bathroom scales and I am not loosing any weight, so I am eating just enough food to stay exactly the same. In order to loose weight, I would have to diet and I don't see myself doing that. I have come to a point where I have accepted myself the way I am now, which is a little bit overweight, but nicely dressed and comfortable. If anybody has an issue with it, I basically don't care. If I can loose 5 kilos, then that would be great and maybe I will, but I am not going to sweat it.
I am so tired of all these obsessions people have with their body shapes and the slimness they should have in order to be socially acceptable, I am sort of boycotting the whole pressure pot. I move around as if I am a slim person and have the attitude to go with it. I have a closet full of nice clothes and take good care of myself. That ought to be enough. I refuse to fall victim to an unobtainable goal and beating myself about the head when I can't reach it.
Well, I guess I've made myself clear on that, haven't I?
I suppose it all has to do with acceptance, both of the outer you and the inner you and the two are closely entwined. My outer me is a reflection of the inner me and I guess I want to state that I require acceptance of the me that is available to me now, with all the quirks and foibles that come with me. It is clear to me that this is not always possible and that there are some people who will reject me, but I assume that there are people who I decide are worth it who equally decide that I am worth it. I just may have to look in many diverse places to find them.
Self acceptance is the first and foremost requirement, though, and who is the first to say that they have complete self acceptance? Not I, I am sure of that. If I look like I do, then that is an illusion. I bullshit my way through life a lot and have a big mouth and an attitude to go with it, but very often I have a tiny little scared heart and I can be a person who avoids confrontation.
I'm always talking about being a tough broad. That is always my intention, it is a goal I strive towards and sometimes I reach it, mostly when I'm hypomanic.
Well, enough of this philosophizing, this self analysis. Let's not forget to have fun.
The pharmacy has come and gone and delivered the drugs and I have taken the first batch. Then the Überhund and I walked to the mailbox and we took a different way home, causing him to have to stop and sniff at all sorts of new places of which I had to drag him away, because god only knew what was there in the dark.
Now I am going to put my pajamas on and have a bowl of muesli, which I always enjoy very much and it is good for me too.
Have a good evening and enjoy curling up on your sofa.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
To the vet again...
We had to wait in the waiting room as there were three couples with cats ahead of us and the poor Überhund just wanted to run out the front door. He pulled at his leash and his whole body was shaking, so I kept him close to me and tried to settle him down as much as possible.
Luckily, some people came in with a Jack Russell and that provided some distraction for the Überhund and made the time go by quicker. He almost forgot to be scared and almost stopped shaking. When the vet came to get us, he very obediently followed me into the examining room, but once he was in there, he sat by the door and wanted to leave again as quickly as possible.
I had used up all the eye drops and his eyes were a little bit better, but the vet wasn't happy yet and now has put him on an ointment that I have to apply twice a day and then go see him again next week. You can see how the Überhund's eyes are still very red and inflamed, so they are definitely not better. Poor guy, I hope he is going to be okay in the end and that this is not going to be a chronic problem.
The thing I am happy about is that he doesn't seem to be in pain like he was before when he was constantly rubbing his eyes. He was very good for the vet, by the way, and allowed him to do everything that needed to get done. He's a good dog. He's a good vet.
While I am writing this, I am listening to dEUS, which is a Belgian band with out of this world music. I am listening to one of my play lists at Deezer, which I can heartily recommend going to. It's fun to look up artists and put together play lists that you can listen to any time you are in the mood. I sometimes forget to turn on the music and sit here in complete silence and then I wonder why I can't find any sort of rhythm in my typing. If I were young and was going to be a groupie, I would be one to dEUS. Either that one or Massive Attack.
Since I am not young and since grandmothers can't be groupies, I will just sit here and listen to their music instead and pretend I am young at heart and foot loose and fancy free.
I will tell you how sore I am today. I am so sore that I've not put on any make up. Can you believe that? I have an unmade up face, naked and all. No eyebrows and no eyelashes. That's how I've gone out into the world, even to that dishy vet. I just didn't give a hoot. I was too sore to care.
The Exfactor came and got the groceries for me, thank goodness. He can be such a help. It really would have been too much for me to do. He has promised to come back later in the week to see if I need anything else. He has also hooked up my new Digitenne for the TV, so now I have 27 Channels plus radio channels. I am sure I would have figured it out on my own, but he had done it himself for his own TV, so it was done in no time at all. It only needed two phone calls to the help desk for what turned out to be two silly little things.
My sweet dog is laying by my feet. If I make a wrong move, I'll run over him with my chair. I got the feeling that he was so proud of himself when we got home from the vet and I spoke to him in high praise. I gave him a treat and told him how well he had done and, of course, I'm convinced that he understands everything I say to him. I always think of him as a three year old child and treat him accordingly. He has some sense, but not always that much, but he means well.
For some reason, I always get the idea that the cats are much smarter, although they may in fact not be at all, but that may be because they seem more independent and seem to have made up their own minds about that. Like they are making the statement that they can manage just fine without me, thank you very much. They come and go as independent creatures who have an agenda that they live by that has nothing or little to do with me. They make up their own minds about their life style and it just happens to include me, because I am the food and drink provider. I know they like me and they let me know that about three times a day, but they don't wag their tail and bark when they see me and think I am the center of their universe. Therefor I think I am a cat, really, because that's how I behave. I would never make someone's loyal dog.
Concerning this poll I've put up, I know I've screwed it up by changing the name and the image, so please excuse me for doing that and vote again and let me know in no uncertain terms what you like. I'll not change anything again now, that was a mistake. Enjoy yourself on the other site with the changing names and images.
Well, that's it for tonight. I am a bit long winded. I don't want to stop writing, but I will.
I'll see you all tomorrow.
In a sense...
Today it not only hurts in my chest and between my shoulder blades, but also in my sides and under my arms. The chest pain is the worst, though, and there is one spot that is very painful. I just took the Überhund for a walk and that was a job and a half and I was exhausted before we had gone half a block, because I can't breathe properly, because of the pain.
Oh, I am making it sound a lot worse than it is, probably, it mostly is a big nuisance. A big painful nuisance.
I slept on the sofa, somehow feeling that that was more appropriate when sick. It was so cozy under the yellow blanket, but I realize that I have to get a better blanket, because this one is small and thin and I need to get one that is a bit heftier. So that will be a future mission. I was up sometime during the night and sat behind the computer doing I don't know what and fell asleep doing it and made it back to the sofa somehow. I am a strange woman who doesn't know what she does during the night, like I am a ghostly spirit that is lost.
The Exfactor is coming over to do some groceries for me, bless his heart. That sure is going to help me out a lot. I would hate to have to peddle to the store right now and haul groceries around with me. I think I better let someone healthy do that. The Exfactor is big and strong, so I can depend on him. He's got the biceps to prove it.
I am looking forward to today, which is almost half way over, come to think of it, but I have to take care off myself and I don't take many opportunities to do only that. To focus just on my body and get it in a comfortable place. The paracetamol helps some and takes the edge off and makes me more relaxed. It is silly for me to be wary about taking pain mediation when I take so many other pills already.
I think I will call in sick for the ergo therapy just for this one time. Riding my bike over there is just too much of a good thing and everybody is allowed a sick day or two. I will miss the discussions, but maybe I can have one on my own. A one sided monologue.
That's all I have to tell you for right now. Have a nice rest of the day and don't do anything I wouldn't do. That doesn't leave you with many choices right now. Sorry about that.
Monday, November 24, 2008
A long time ago I had something called costal chondritis, which involves inflammation of the cartilage in the area around the sternum, but now I feel it in my back too, so I don't know if this is the same problem. It was called Tietze Syndrome, but I don't know if you can have it in your back also.
Actually, I feels like I am getting a good bout of bronchitis, but I am hardly coughing and coughing hurts, breathing hurts too.
I just called the doctor's office because I had a negative temperature and they said I could come in at 4 PM, so that is where I am going shortly.
It keeps snowing on and off, but what there was on the ground is melted and this new snow melts too. We walked in it at noontime and the Überhund was very suspicious of it at first. He walked as close to the buildings as he could, trying to find shelter. I let it snow right on top of me and when it melted when I was inside, little rivulets ran down my face. I did dry the Überhund with an old towel. He likes that and does a crazy run afterwards.
Well, I have to go now, see you when I get back...
So, I have Tietze Syndrome and although it is painful, the only thing I can do is wait for it to be over and take Ibuprofen if I want to. I am not sure if I do, but pressed I will probably do so. It is especially where the ligaments of the ribs are attached to the sternum and eachother. So that explains the pain in my back also. My lungs sounded clear, not a peep out of them.
That was the medical update, wasn't that exciting?
On to other things. Somebody has to walk the Überhund and I guess that would be me since there is no one else here. That's a shame, because I would really like to curl up on the sofa in my pajamas and my bathrobe and nurse my pain. This is where I grab an Ibuprofen, watch me do it.
Oh yes, don't forget to vote in my poll over at the top left in the sidebar. I am going to take the results very seriously, so please vote, every day if you want. The more votes, the better.
I sure feel like shit for someone who only has Tietze Syndrome. I guess pain does that to you.
Okay, that is it for me for today. I am going to sit somewhere and get comfortable, maybe even lie down and get comfortable, at the risk of falling asleep.
I'll talk to you all later.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I don't know which jacket to wear. When the wind isn't blowing, the cold is not that bad, but tomorrow I have to go on my bicycle and that may be different. I'll have to wear my gloves and my scarf and an extra layer of clothes.
The Überhund is having a tremendous pity party, because I'm finishing my cigarette before I take him out. I'd like to finish my coffee too, but it seems it will have to wait. He probably wants to deposit a big damping poop in the fresh snow and make yellow patches.
Well, off we go then...
I was right about that and boy, it is cold outside, because it is a bit windy, but the weather forecast calls for warmer temperatures for tomorrow and rain. It is going to be 3 degrees Celsius. One of my fingers is white from the cold, the circulation has gone out of it. I get that very quickly, always have, even when I was a teenager on my way to school and then unable to hold my pen until the feeling came back.
It turned out that some of the snow had been walked in quite a bit and that it was turning to slush. It will freeze tonight and get slippery. I remember buses sliding across the road sideways went it had frozen the slush during the night. I remember ice skating in the streets when we had frozen sleet. Those were the days.
Well, I can't honestly say that I miss them. My grandmother broke a hip on the slippery sidewalk and suffered a stroke as a result and was never the same again until she died.
So, there you have it.
I am going to put my pajamas on now and get comfortable on the sofa like I did last night. Have something nice to eat also. I'll think of something good.
Have a great night.
The Überhund has piddled out back and I am still sitting here in my bathrobe, which is very cozy and I hope to stay in this condition just a while longer. That is, if the Überhund lets me and I've just made another mug of coffee, so I hope he will.
I fell asleep watching the Junior Euro Song Festival on TV last night. Actually, it wasn't that boring. Not as boring as the real Song Festival. At least these kids were fun to watch and the song I liked best ended up winning. That's because only 50% of the call in votes counted toward the final outcome, the other 50% of the votes came from a professional jury. I guess I didn't explain that right, but I can't be bothered to figure out that one. The Netherlands had a very decent song, but I don't know where we ended up. I'm sure it wasn't at the bottom, because we didn't deserve that.
I sometimes watch the real Euro Song Festival, but most of the songs are so predictable and so are the winners, who nowadays all seem to come from the Eastern European countries. The Netherlands never has a decent song anymore. All very predictable ditties. They are Song Festival songs, as if there is a formula for them and they are written and composed accordingly. Frankly, I don't care who wins, it's just not that important, it's not politics, after all, or is it?
Well, there was no layer of snow to greet us this morning and it is officially freezing outside, because it is -1 degree Celsius. The sky is overcast, so it could snow in theory, but I kind of hope it doesn't, because I don't know if any of my boots are waterproof. I think the really dressy ones are not, but I don't know about the funky ones. They look like they should be...
It's wonderful how warm the apartment stays even with the heater off, as long as it has been heated the night before. The way it is situated between a house and the other apartments really makes it insulated and, of course, there is no wind outside. There is just a deadly calm, like a silence before a storm. It is hard to imagine that some of you will get up and pull on your shorts and a T-shirt. The hardest months to get through are December and January and the latter is tough, because there are no holidays to celebrate, until some time in February when it is Carnival. The rowdy drinking festival with all the confetti.
I suppose that I should be in a period of mourning now, because a year ago this month, the Exfactor was commencing, or securing, his affair with the Paramount without my knowledge, but with my grave suspicions and my great load of insecurity. Somehow I don't feel a lot of grieve right now. I'm sure I have some buried way deep down inside of me, but looking back on it now, it all seems like a comedy of errors. I am not disregarding the pain I felt, but it all seems like it was such a waste of time to have gone through. I blame the Exfactor's dishonesty for that.
I am not confronted much with his deed. I don't have to see them together or walk by the place where the Exfactor lives now. It is all taking place a long way away from me. I live here securely in my own life in my own apartment and can choose how much I want to know of the reality that takes place out there. I can even pretend it doesn't exist and that I don't need to break my head over it. I think partly I do that, because when I do see the Exfactor, I don't waste time thinking about his other life.
It would bother me very much if he were to marry her. That would be shocking to me and I dread the day that this will happen. That would confirm the fact that he is lost to me forever, even though I know in my heart that he already is. I pretend he isn't. I pretend I have the power...
...it is time for me to get going. Even though it is Sunday, there are things that need to be done. I am going to make it an uneventful day. A day of rest.
Mwah and ciao...
P.S. Please vote in the poll on the top left hand side, thank you.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I think the Überhund's eyes are getting a little bit better. They don't seem so cloudy and red anymore, although we're not out of the woods yet. They still don't look good and he has a ways to go before they are really better. He's not rubbing them with his paws anymore, so that is an improvement.
Joost has come and gone. He was delayed quite a bit yesterday, because a tree had blown across the train tracks and the train was delayed by hours. Such a simple thing caused so many problems, it seems. Wait until it really becomes winter and we have snow and ice.
Speaking of which, it snowed today, but it was not quite cold enough for it to stay on the ground. There were some real big flurries with big snowflakes. It did look pretty, but it did not make me pine for a snow covered world. Think of all the inconvenience and we're basically not used to snow anymore and how to deal with it. All of the Netherlands would come to a stand still and there would be many accidents on the roads.
I was too tired to be a really good hostess to Joost and even took a nap on the sofa while he used the computer. I wonder if it is the lack of caffeine that is making me so. I can barely keep my mind on the subject at hand. I do feel like eating a lot constantly to get my energy up. Subconsciously my brain wants food for the energy to keep on working, when my body wants to go to sleep. Last night, I fell asleep with a glass of yogurt in my hands. Saved it just in time before it fell to the ground and shattered.
Listen people, I have to stop writing and get into my pajamas. I am not going to last much longer and I have to eat something nutritious before I go to sleep. The coffee hasn't helped and maybe I accidentally put in the decaf pads.
Have a good night and I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Friday, November 21, 2008
This caused me to get behind in everything I had planned to do today, but luckily, the Exfactor came to the rescue and he walked the Überhund for me and went to the grocery store for me. That saved me a lot of time that I could spend cleaning and I didn't have to get all gussied up to go out. I am just about done now, I have to hang up one load of laundry and put another load in the machine. Oh yes, I need to clean the stove. Forgot about that.
I haven't taken my housework very seriously for the past few weeks and it showed. Things were just a wee bit dirty. The kitchen window was a disgrace and I really scrubbed it clean. A cat had barfed under the bed and I found that out when I vacuumed under it, that is always a nice surprise. Thank goodness for paper towels and a big bottle of cleansing liquid. I have been on my knees a lot today polishing the rough spots out of the linoleum. There's nothing like some elbow grease to get stuff clean. Luckily, my knees cooperated and they hardly hurt, so that is an improvement and now I can do any job.
Not having the party is a load of my mind, but I still had to get the place clean for Joost, as I did not want him to walk into a mess. Not that I want to come across as a highly talented housewife, oh no. A half way decent one maybe, yes.
If I hurry up, there will even be time to put on my face and look halfway acceptable and I will even brush my hair. That's why I am going to leave you now and get some last minute things done. A woman's work is never finished. Thank goodness for the Exfactor, huh? He got to be my rescuing knight today.
Luckily, the Überhund thinks running is fun and we don't do enough of it, so he was all game. I don't now if he understood that it was because we were getting wet that we ran, but for the most part we made it to the apartment without getting too soaked. Just some droplets of rain ran down my head to the tip of my nose, where they irritatingly waited for me to wipe them off.
While we were running, I kept saying to him, "Come on, hurry up, it is raining!" This to encourage him on to greater speed, but I am sure he can outrun me. I just didn't want him to stop at a suddenly interesting spot on the road where there was some imaginary bit of food that he had to inspect. He's been known to do that and then I am in danger of tripping over him and I see it happening one of these days. "Woman trips over dog. Falls flat on her face."
I have been applying the eye drops successfully. The Überhund is very cooperative with the box of treats sitting right on the coffee table. If I were him, I would hold out for something better than just regular ordinary every day treats. I was willing to go to the store to buy him some, I still may do to soothe my own conscious. He is being very good about it.
I just in a roundabout way managed to get the telephone number of the most important person of the group of people I had to reach to let them know that the party is off for tonight and spoke in a message and left my phone number. Now hopefully everything will get sorted out. I managed to get a hold of one woman who was supposed to come and she had the phone number of the other person. I did this by calling the Friday creative therapy class, because I thought at least some of them were in that one.
Oh, what a bother, I do have to get my telephone numbers straight. I'm glad I managed to reach the creative therapy class, I thought that was going to be a problem, but luckily it wasn't.
Now all I have to do is clean up the apartment and I'll have that done in many jiffys. Vacuuming and mopping are going to be the big jobs. From the cats' point of view the vacuuming is going to be the worst. They somehow like freshly mopped floors and like to walk on them, leaving little paw prints everywhere.
Right, into the starting blocks. Off I go. Wish me luck. I do have to go to the store and to the drugstore also. I am wishing for many dry spells.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
To the Vet.
The vet said that the Überhund has a membership there and it is true, he has been having his health problems. But when you look at him and see his sorry little face you can't help but always want to take the best care of him. I think the eye drops help, because he is rubbing his eyes less now and I've put them in 2 times now and will do one more time tonight.
In the meantime, I have decided to cancel the party, seeing as though half of the people weren't planning on showing up. Once I made the decision, and discussed it with the Exfactor, I got a huge stomach ache and had it all morning and laid on the sofa with it. They were genuine cramps and I am sure they were a result of the stress I had been feeling all along. I ate some müesli, but that didn't help and I finally just went to sleep and when I woke up, the worst of it was over.
I have been unable to reach the group of 4 people that I had invited from my creative therapy class, as the 2 phone numbers that I have don't seem to be the correct ones. I will have to figure out a solution to this and try to reach them at their therapy class tomorrow. I can't have them show up here tomorrow night expecting a party and not finding one.
I have a sense of relief that I've called the whole thing off. It just didn't feel right to go ahead with it and my doubts grew bigger every day. The Exfactor needed very little convincing. He agreed almost from the start of our conversation. It was a good idea gone bad.
My sister called me to come and have coffee with her and I went over there at 3 PM, not with the enthusiasm you might expect. I suppose I have grown used to the idea that my sister approaches me and everything that concerns me constantly with the sour air of disapproval, but I am not in a state of mind to accept it anymore and now try to keep the contact to the bare minimum. I listen to what she has to tell me and I observe her and think what I think and then I go home again and put it out of my mind until the next time. Such is sisterly love sometimes. You don't pick your family.
My schedule was nowhere today and tomorrow I have to catch up on myself. My friend Joost, who was invited to the party, is still coming, so I need to get things ready for him. I'll have to make sure there is food in the house for him to eat.
Well, that about does it for me for tonight. I have to get something to eat. Will it be delicious oatmeal or will it be a delicious omelet?
The Überhund piddled out back and is now sound asleep on his blanket, so I think I can sit here for a while longer. It's nice to draw out the moment that I actually have to get up and get dressed. I haven't quite decided what I am going to wear yet either, can you believe that? How badly organized can I be? Maybe I should have put that on my schedule too: decide what to wear at 9 AM.
All kidding aside, it isn't very warm outside and rain has been forecast, so it promises to be a heck of a great day weather wise. I am glad that I only have to go out to walk the Überhund and that there is no other reason for me to have to go out on my bike. It does mean that I have to dress in layers, though, because I have to be able to peel off something when I get too warm while cleaning house and put it on again when going outside. Brrr...
The Exfactor came by yesterday afternoon and so far only one of his friends and his girlfriend are coming for sure. I feel kind of bad for him, but it can't be helped. Maybe people are very uncomfortable with the idea that we are having this party, while our intentions were so good, all along. Maybe we should have had our heads examined. What seemed like a wonderful idea to us, may have been a total turn off to everyone else.
It does help me to know who is coming when I do the groceries. I would hate to be stuck with a large amount of food that I won't be able to eat. Or that I will try to eat and regret afterwards. There is nothing greedier than my pair of big blue eyes when faced with party food. I am sure you can all sympathize with me on that. Lord, does this woman like to eat, or what?
I was walking the Überhund yesterday and came by a large patch of wildflowers and I was surprised at all the things that were still growing there. There were daisies and clover blossoms and I even saw a red poppy. I regretted not having the book with me to identify all the different things that grew there. I think the Exfactor has it, I must get one of my own. I didn't realize that so many things would still blossom now.
I admit I don't pay attention enough to nature to appreciate what it is doing around me until it is almost done doing it. Now that all the leaves have fallen of the trees, just about, I am amazed at the size of some of the leaves. They are humongous and I try to think of useful things to do with them. The same goes for the wild mushrooms that are popping up all over the place. I don't know their names and if they are edible and I feel quite ignorant looking at them. I can't even identify the trees that stand along the streets unless I see the seeds.
Well, that shows you that I am a real city woman at heart, much to my disgust. I recognize a cappuccino from a mile away, but I don't know an oak tree when I see one.
Oh, in order to stick to the schedule, I have to quit writing now. Just when I had made myself another mug of coffee, such bad timing...
Have a good day everyone, I think it is raining!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
This morning's session at ergo therapy showed me again how much I still need to go there, even though there are people there who irritate me to no end. I was able to get my current feelings across of alienation and unreality and disconnection and that I rated myself only at a low 5 when I had been at an 8 or a 9 this summer. I talked about the upcoming party and how much that probably had to do with my stress, because I worried about all the things I had to do to take care of and all I did was sit behind the computer and not accomplish anything.
It's pure escapism, not being able to deal with the reality of things and letting real life slide by like a stream of fast moving water on which the events bounce by like bits of flotsam caught in the current. I sit on the banks and let it all pass me by.
A rescue mission was organized and a planning was made to get me step by step through the next 5 days. An hourly schedule was made that shows exactly how I am going to be filling up my time with useful activities and little breaks in between. I have done some things now to get ready for Friday night and will do the rest of them spread out over Thursday and Friday. It is all fine tuned.
I feel a great deal of relief, because now it all seems manageable and doable. All I have to do is stick to the schedule and all will be well. It is amazing how sitting down and organizing yourself on paper can make such a difference. Instead of a incomprehensible mess, I now have an organized schedule.
Now it is just a question as to who is going to show up. All the people I invited will be there, but I haven't heard anything about the people whom the Exfactor invited, except for one woman who thought it was just too weird to go to a divorce party after she had just gone to a wedding and a funeral. C'est la vie! You'd think she's want to touch all bases, but alas...
Having the divorce party is no big deal in the sense that it does not bring closure to me to anything. Life will go on as usual. It's a celebration of the independent I, but I've celebrated that fact often enough already in the past months. I am not celebrating a failed marriage. I hope to celebrate a good start, but I've had that one already too. I think more than anything it is for the Exfactor to show his friends that we are still on good terms and that I am not suffering, but if they don't show up, it will have been a pointless exercise.
Regardless, I will have a good time with the people I invited and enjoy the good food that we'll have. I can already taste the Brie and the Camembert and the chicken and salmon salad. It was mostly the logistics that were causing my nerves to rattle.
The Paramount has announced to the Exfactor that she will not attend the party, because she will feel very uncomfortable. So be it. I suppose I would feel the same if I were in her shoes. Watch her do a 180 degrees turn about and show up anyway. That will be a surprise.
The Temazepam was prescribed to me to help me take care of the extreme anxiety that I felt as my marriage was falling apart and for how I had to deal with the logistics of everything afterwards. I was dependent on it for a long time. I tried to stop taking it before, but failed miserably, but this time it seems to be okay and that is probably because I still take 20 mg at night, so it is still in my system. I don't have anxiety as such now. What I do have a lot of is inertia and failure to get enthusiastic, but with the right kind of back up, I can find my enthusiasm again.
The ergo therapist is looking for an extra activity for me, because she sees I need it quickly to get my momentum going again. It is possible that I may do another creative class on Thursdays in another section of the building. She is going to discuss it with my SPN today and let me know on Monday. I hope I will be able to, as I feel I need the structure and the activity, even if it is on a short term basis. So, keep your fingers crossed for me.
Well, I have to stop writing, because the Überhund has urgent needs. He wants to go out, so out we go.
Have a good evening.
Early in the morning.
For those of you who have not caught on to the heavy hints that have been dropped, I suggest that you go to this interesting weblog here. Maybe you will enjoy it. I can't get it much clearer than that, since the first sheep have already crossed the dam.
I've had a wonderful sleep, after falling asleep on the sofa last night while watching the news. Yes, watching the news does that to me, to my great shame. Now I still don't know what is happening in the world. When I woke up, it was 11:30 PM and out of habit I turned on the computer and blogged for awhile until I was sufficiently tired again, so you could say that I got enough sleep.
I am lucky that the Überhund doesn't require his late night walks anymore, but just goes to sleep after I have walked him at around 7 PM. I used to think that he wouldn't make it through the night, but now I know that he has excellent bladder control and can wait a long time between walks. If he does make a fuss, it is because he wants to eat and the clearest sign of that is when he starts to eat the cat food. I am not always clear on when he is hungry or when he just wants a snack. Sometimes he wants to eat twice a day and sometimes he doesn't. He is a fickle old dog.
Well, I saw my SPN and I don't know what to say about that. I felt like I had kept all sorts of secrets from her. Like, for instance, the fact that I had stopped taking the temazepam during the day, which she said was something I should have discussed with her beforehand. So, she wasn't too happy about me doing that on my own, although she understood my wanting to do without.
Then there was the divorce party, which I had not discussed with her before and which she showed some concern about on my part and I felt that I had to ease her mind about that and tell her that it was really no big deal and that it was no stress factor for me at all and that I could handle it just fine and that I had let go of the Exfactor sufficiently enough to be able to have a party like this. While I was reassuring her of these things, I was really concerned if they were true or not, but I felt I was on the road of no return, so I had to take this attitude. I really felt I was being dishonest to her, though, and not being open about my feelings.
There was also the deal about the Random Word Generator and the images and, although technically I had kept myself to the promise, I had found a hole in the maze and figured out a way to do it anyway, which I told her honestly about. It made me feel like a bit of a fraud anyway. Like a dishonest person.
So really, I felt like during that session I was bullshitting her and it does not leave me feeling good about myself. I think I will write her an email today and tell her about that and clear the air between us. I don't like the way things are left now.
It is a wicked web we weave, when first we learn how to deceive. And who do we fool the most? Ourselves! Right...that's as obvious as anything and the most painful part.
Today is ergo therapy day. I am not looking forward to it. I already feel the irritation moving up in my body and that is not a good sign. I thought I had made it clear to myself that I would give it a good try, but now I am sitting here with a bad attitude. I have to overcome this and go in there with an open mind and not a preconceived set of ideas that I need to have confirmed.
Right. Lessons learned today. What not to do to complicate your own life.
I have to get going now. There are things to do and showers to take. Faces to put on and hair to brush. Medicines to take and a dog to walk.
Have a good day you all.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
It's not too late...
Instead, I got up for my coffee and turned the computer on and lighted a cigarette. I was slightly non coherent, until I finished my coffee and was able to decipher the emails I had gotten. I still have to go back and read them again for sureness. There is a twilight zone space for the first few hours in the morning when it is possible that I do not quite comprehend everything I read and respond to it properly. I am also cutting way back on the caffeine and that may cause some slowness in the nerve synapses in my brain.
It seems the Senseo machine has been saved by the application of a bottle of cleansing vinegar that I ran through it. I ran 3 tanks of clean water through it afterwards and now it is working like a charm. I am glad I was able to save it this way, because it is only a little more than a year old. That's too soon to break down, although I admit to a bit of a fatalistic attitude and expect things to break down all the time and am surprised when they don't.
I've cut way back on my Temazepam, that is the medication that is really a sleeping capsule, but that I was taking during the day to calm my nerves. I still take 20 mg of it at night, but I find I don't need it during the day anymore. I think taking it at night leaves enough in my system to not have to take it during the day. It was making me awfully sleepy and I always felt like taking naps. It was making me too tired, because I already feel tired during the day anyway. Even now, after all that sleep, I feel like laying down on the sofa for a while to get some more sleep. I blame it on the wintertime and my need to hibernate and to not want to do anything strenuous.
The weather is not really bad. Just overcast, but not rainy or windy, as has been predicted and it isn't very cold. It's 9 degrees Celsius, which is 48 degrees Fahrenheit. That's not bad at all.
The Überhund is very patient with me in the mornings and no matter how slow I am, he waits patiently until I am ready to take him out. If I really dawdle, he lets me know that he really needs to go, but even then he waits for me to get dressed and take my medicines and for me to give him his pills. I let him piddle out back when I first wake up, so the worst pressure is off.
You should see the state of my patio. I need someone with a rake to come and gather all the leaves and pull the weeds out and trim the Jasmine. I suppose I could do it myself, but contrary to my long ago past, I have no interest in the little bit of gardening that is expected of me. I look at it and shrug my shoulders in a frustrated way. Now, if the queen was coming over for a cup of tea...
I have to wash the bedroom windows, they are very dirty with the rains we have had and I'll need a bucket of hot soapy water to get them clean. It will be done in a jiffy, but I act like it is some huge job that is waiting for me. I will have to visualize it in my mind first and then tackle it. When it comes to house cleaning, I am not on the ball at the moment. I'm fine when it comes to the dishes and the laundry, but the rest is falling by the wayside. I can't find any enthusiasm for it. My motivation this weeks is, that we are having that party Friday night and I will have to get the place cleaned up before that time. Watch me do that at the last minute.
This afternoon, I am seeing my SPN and I have no idea what I want to discuss with her, except that I am going to tell her that the first 4 months of my separation with the Exfactor I was pretty much hypomanic all the time. I don't think she realizes that, because I can hide it behind a rational smile very well. I can pretend I am more in control than I really am. That's what it is all about anyway, hiding your true feelings. I am a master at that.
I always had to hide my true feelings in my first marriage. Even when we were in counseling, I didn't let anyone know what I really thought. That I had feelings of hatred and longings for suicide. That a lot of times I was so depressed and down on myself that I could hardly bear it anymore. The depth of my negative feelings was enormous and I was afraid to come out with them, because it would have set the whole fragile boat rocking. I was trying to keep up the status quo, surviving against the odds, sleeping with the enemy. I was imprisoned and pretending I was not, that I was there out of my own free will.
Anyway, it is time to hang up again. I've got to put on my face and look half way decent. I could do with a large cheering section right now. Rah, rah, rah! I am happy, as long as it isn't raining when I have to go on my bike.
Monday, November 17, 2008
It hasn't been an out of the ordinary day. I got up too late and because I didn't want to rush and because I still wanted to have my normal morning ritual, I came to creative therapy too late. Everybody was glad to see me and it was no big deal that I was late, because it doesn't happen normally. I dove into my work right away and started cutting pictures and texts for my next collage. The one I had finished last week was dry and looking at it again, I was more pleased with it than I remembered being. It actually turned out okay, but now I feel that I should be doing other things and applying other techniques, so for this one I am doing the upside down images again and doing them carefully so that they will turn out well.
It gives the images a sort of worn out and stressed look that I like and it looks better than pasting them on right side up, even when they are color washed subsequently. I gather whatever silly texts I can find together that sometimes make no sense at all, but should they? I try to remember that it only has to make sense to me and have meaning to me and that I am not trying to bring a message to the world. It's an old trap to fall into, to be a little bit messianic when you work with texts in a collage. I have no words of wisdom to impart.
I went straight home afterwards and made myself big mug of coffee and a shopping list of which one of the items was cleaning vinegar to clean the Senseo machine with. I also added Quaker oatmeal, because it is good for your heart and Muesli with apple and raisin, because it is good for your digestive system. That and eight bottles of milk and two packs of decaf pads, because I have decided to cut down on the amount of caffeine I am drinking.
So, very merrily I rode my bike to the store and got everything on the list and wobbled home again, where the Überhund was waiting patiently. He had not been out yet, nor had he asked for it. I ate my lunch and promptly fell asleep on the sofa, which was an added bonus. I woke up because the phone rang and it was my sister, but I was incapable of having a near normal conversation. I yawned and yawned and hardly could speak.
Then I finally took the Überhund for his walk, because the poor dog had been waiting patiently all this time. Speaking of which, I notice his eyes are getting worse, because sometimes he can't find me in the apartment if I am sitting still in a place where he does not expect me to be. He will get within an inch of me and walk right by me, looking for me in other places. He is really like a lost pup then.
I talked to my other sister on the phone for quiet some time. We get to reminiscing about our childhood and our early married years and one thing leads to another and one whole hour has gone by. We're brutally honest about our childhood and not the least bit sentimental, except that we share the occasional good memory about the street we lived in and the activities we did there. The games we played with the other kids and the warm summers and the cold winters.
Goodness, I am so tired and it isn't even that late yet, still I want to go to bed. Get all nice and cozy in my pajamas and get under the duvet with a good book. I think that's what I'll go do now, my story was nearing its end anyway.
Have a wonderful sleep yourself.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I think it maybe time to get an espresso machine, either that or get one of those press down coffee makers to which you add hot water. The last would be a lot cheaper, of course, and I would just have to get an electric water boiler. Mmm...economic decisions. We all know which would be the smartest thing to do. Yes, I will look into this first thing next week when I get my money.
No, I have already made up my mind. Espresso machines are too expensive, so it is a plunger coffee pot with an electric water boiler and I know just where to get them at a good price. Just to make doubly sure, I will check out the competition.
See, I like being sensible. Whoever said I was only an expensive airhead was wrong. I am blond, but that is where all similarity ends. My love for clothes and other nice things is purely coincidental.
Speaking of nice things, I have managed to wrangle a whole mug of coffee out of the Senseo maker and I am mighty happy about that. For a moment I panicked when it wouldn't work at all. I banged the water tank around a few times, because that's where the problem is, and the little floater shot up again. It tells the machine when it is out of water, only it does it now with a full tank. Doubtlessly it is our hard water that is the cause of it and I will have to clean it with a special product several times and see if that works.
I can usually figure out why something doesn't work, but I can't always fix it, I'm not technical enough for that. I also get confused by technical drawings and diagrams and written instructions, unless they are very simple. I always feel a bit of panic rise up when faced with one of them. I have the same reaction to algebra and geometry, if that explains anything. I can do some, as long as it does not get too complicated, but I can never do those problems that require you to apply a formula.
We have some very smart people in our family and I don't consider myself to be dumb, but school was never a happy experience for me the way it was for my daughter, for example. For me, school was just traumatic and I was so glad when I was done with high school and I could go to work. I did finish first in my class, but that didn't mean anything to me, I just wanted to be released. My daughter has a law degree and was always able to study easily and get good grades as a rule. My son was just like me and extremely unhappy in an academic environment and had to be released as quickly as possible too. He had ADD and was dyslexic and I wonder what my particular problem may have been academically.
Well, that's all water under the bridge now. My grandson does great in school, so I am very happy about that. It seems he got his mother's brains.
You all do realize that today is Sunday, don't you? It is one of the nicer days of the week. The weather isn't that great and it isn't a good day to take photographs, but at least it is a free day and a day of rest. On top of that, tomorrow is Monday, when I have creative therapy, so that is all perfect to me.
It is amazing how fast the week has gone by again and I swear that, as I am getting older, the time flies by and there just is no slowing it down. I try to cram as much as I can into each day, but much to my chagrin, a person does have to sleep at night.
I try to read when I go to bed at night, but I only manage a page or two. I have been reading the same book forever now. The Memory Keeper's Daughter. I am almost done with it, but it is almost a ridiculous activity, this reading of mine when I lay in bed, because I fall asleep so quickly. I do wake up with my reading glasses still on, sometimes squashed to one side of my face and a little bent out of shape. I'm afraid to read during the day, because I know I will fall asleep and that is not supposed to happen.
Well, that's all I've got to tell you this morning, so you all have a terrific day with whatever you do and wish me luck with my Senseo machine. I do want to drink coffee today.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Where I should be.
There is nobody here to warn me if I stop making sense, though. I could be typing all sorts of nonsense and not be aware of it and push the publish button and forever make a fool out of myself...
...well, to prevent that from happening, I went back to the sofa and promptly fell asleep again until 8 AM. I think that was the most sensible thing to do. Now that I've got the heater going all the time, it is so nice and pleasant inside that it makes it very comfortable to be anywhere and to fall asleep anywhere. I'm supposed to turn it off at night, but I failed to do so last night and it has been toasty warm here and I only wore my bathrobe and didn't even need a blanket. I worry about my energy bill, yes I do.
The Überhund is snoring away by my feet and has given no inclination that he needs to go outside. Speaking of bladder control! He is most adorable when he lies by my feet this way with his head on his paws, because he looks like a stuffed animal and you just want to pick him up and kiss him all over the place. He would be mighty surprised if I did that!
The cats are sitting silently in the kitchen with a bit of an accusatory attitude, because their food dishes are empty and I am ignoring them. They have no real idea of what it is like to go hungry, because there is always food. Now they act like they are patiently suffering and it is all my fault. Some people make their cats fast one day a week, because they say that in the wild animals don't eat every day either. Well, neither do people, do they? Let them drink only water for 24 hours.
Oh goodness, today is Saturday, well, hurray! It's always a little bit festive when it is the weekend. I am officially excused from being a responsible adult. You think I am during the week too, don't you? Well, nothing could be further from the truth. I take this business called living very seriously.
The truth is that I deal in a lot of escapism, because otherwise, the weight of the world would drag me down. The gravity of it would pull me splat down to the ground, never to get up again. Therefor, I very often feel that I am playing a role in a film and that none of this is real, or that I am only a figment of someone's imagination and that all of this is a dream or a fantasy someone is having. Maybe a character named God, but not as we know him from the bible. Or her and she is rather careless and playful in a painful way. Well, maybe that is exactly as we know God from the bible. From the Old Testament.
What is reality is an interpretation, isn't it? Unless you are faced with such cruelty, that you find yourself in a nightmare that you can't get out off, where you are being held against your will. But what does my reality look like?
I live a fairly safe life and nothing really horrible is going to happen to me today. I don't face war or famine or murder or rape. The worst things that are likely to happen are the confusions that take place in my own head and they can be pleasant or unpleasant. They can change the way I interpret my reality. If that happens to be in a pleasant way, then there is very little stress that I am going to undergo and I will feel that I've had an excellent day, regardless of what happened to my fellow human beings on that particular day. My reality, or my take on it, was fine, there was no problem. If there was a problem, I saw it as a minor blip on the radar, like a mosquito that I splatted with one hand.
If the confusion in my head turns unpleasant, then that day will be experienced as a very unpleasant day and all the events that happen in it will be interpreted negatively. I will see doom and damnation and the end of the world nearby. I will see the suffering of my fellow human beings and identify strongly with them in a totally ineffective way, because I am not capable of doing anything productive. I will suffer and cry and face fear. Only because something in my head is telling me that this is how I see reality now.
So you see, what is reality is an interpretation. At least, what is my reality. If war breaks out tomorrow, we will have a common reality. At least, the Dutch people and I will have. God forbid, maybe all of us will.
Very often I live on the edge of hypomania or I am in fact hypomanic. That colors my point of view on my world. I am very grateful that I can live in this state of existence, because I know the alternative state. I couldn't have made it through the first four months of my separation if it hadn't been for the state of my hypomania. It made everything very easy. My reality was altered through rose colored glasses. When the hypomania ended, my view on my reality changed and I suddenly became a needy and sad little person before I found my balance again. Is it any wonder that I pray for a little bit of hypomania? Which reality would you rather face?
Well, I suppose I am trying to explain something very basic about myself and maybe about other people as well. I don't know how people without my particular disability go through life. I don't know how it is to live without mood changes that are as arbitrary as the November weather. I've been this way my whole life.
In the meantime, the Überhund is still laying here and not a peep out of him. I have gotten a new mug of coffee and fed the cats, but I guess he is not interested in going out. I think he is really getting old, because he sleeps so much. We make a good pair, the two of us.
There is nothing better than a fresh mug of coffee and a cigarette. All of you who don't smoke will disagree with me, but believe me, to me this is heaven.
Well, that's enough of my sermon on the mount. I've got to get the day started, whether or not the Überhund is ready. Have a great day and be good for goodness sake.
Friday, November 14, 2008
In the nick of time.
What a way to open a post, huh? I thought I might just as well tell you right up front. We women suffer silently so many times. It's the same way with being bloated and not fitting into your jeans. Why does that happen? You know if you got the chance, a good session on the toilet would clear up that problem, but how do we do it and which product do we use? There are all these yogurts with good bacteria in them that are supposed to help, but they haven't helped me yet. I drink a herbal laxative tea sometimes and that cleans things up a bit. I have a terrible problem with gas and many times one escapes me in company, silent sometimes, but not always. It's so embarrassing.
You can see how this does not promote a romantic lifestyle and I will not pursue another man until I have these problems under control, although I doubt very much that I ever will.
I am very lucky that I am not romantically inclined right now, and that I am not longing for bodily contact. I am so totally not interested in that. A good conversation, yes. Laughter, yes. Romance, no. Sex, no.
One of the people I get along best in one of my groups is a homosexual and I love the fact that he is a well dressed and attractive man who is not the least bit interested in me as a woman. I am completely safe in his presence, although he always pays attention to how I am dressed and compliments me if he likes what I am wearing, and I always smell his aftershaves and compliment him on those.
This is turning into a very odd post! I don't know where to take it from here. Do I have any more confessions?
No, I think that is it for now. That's okay then, because I have to take my medicines and walk the Überhund.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Falling asleep with boredom.
Of course, you have no idea how many comments I was reading. There were a trillion of them! After a while it's like reading the phone book, about as thrilling as that. Now I need a big glass of juice to get some sugar in my system and after that a big mug of coffee. What I really crave is a Mars bar, but I don't happen to have one of those laying around.
Maybe I should have a candy bar dispenser installed in the kitchen. My tight skinny pants would get even tighter and skinnier. They are real hip huggers as they are. I could also have a mini refrigerator installed underneath the desk, filled with small bottles of white wine and soft creamy donut holes. Then I would want fresh popcorn in the bedroom with melted butter handy to drizzle on top. Oh, dream on, Irene...
...in the meantime, it is more than several hours later and I have been grocery shopping and I've had myself an unintentional little nap on the sofa. The little nap was quite funny, as I was eating yogurt and slowly started falling asleep and toppling over, all the while trying to keep the container of yogurt upright. The last thing I remember was the Überhund licking the yogurt out of the container and me having toppled over completely to the side on the armrest. Shows you how strong my desire for sleep was, because I like that yogurt.
I did get up early this morning, so no doubt I had to catch up on some sleep, but I don't like going comatose during the day and then waking up and being so disoriented, that I don't know which language I speak when the phone rings and I start calling things whatchamacallits and nobody knows what in the world I am talking about and they think I'm awfully strange. I finally give up and tell them that I don't know the words, which leaves us both baffled, but in the end we manage to figure out something. Except for today, today I was put on hold and I hung up. They'll call back when I'm coherent.
It's a good thing that I'm not in charge of small children, because they would burn the house down while I was asleep.
I haven't worn jeans very much lately and my skinny jeans are making me feel very self conscious of my legs. I think for the most part they are good legs, but I'm not used to them being there. I feel like I ought to be able to wrap them around each other several times, but I am disappointed that I can't. The material of the jeans is very slippery and when I cross my legs, they just come undone again. It's much easier when you wear a skirt. Also, them being tight skinny jeans does something to my insides and I think I'm being rearranged there. I'm completely out of breath. They're hugging my hips rather tightly, as in a vise grip. Maybe it is not such a good idea to wear them, at least not today. I think I'll go put on a skirt. Hang on...
...oh, that's ever so much better, I don't believe the size on that label. Some optimist put it on there. A man with huge rose tinted glasses. I'll have to check the name of this brand of jeans and always buy them one size bigger. Or not by the skinny tight style anymore. There ought to be a law against making skinny tight jeans a size smaller that it says on the label! I do declare...humbug.
My lovely little doggy thinks he can tell time and you know what? He is right, it is time to go out for a walk. I'll just finish my cigarette and my coffee and then we'll be off. I'm sure he is tired of me saying, "Wait a bit," because I say it so often, but he's learned to be patient. He knows I won't budge until I'm ready and he is so resigned, poor dog.
I suppose I'm ready now to read the rest of those comments and do a little blog reading too. After we go for our walk!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I was only slightly bothered at ergo therapy this morning. Our regular therapist was ill, so we had a stand in, who was equally good and up to date on what is happening in the group. I got to do my song and dance act about having to swallow my bitter pill in order to reach my heavenly heights and that was appreciated by all. At least two people were very relieved that I was not leaving. I have no idea how the rest feels about it. I don't think they care much one way or the other, not knowing me very well yet. Two people didn't show up and one person was late and that is not appreciated very much and I am sure there is going to be an aftermath about this. Showing up and being on time is part of your responsibility.
We had an exercise to do. We had to partner up with different people and with paint claim our appointed space on a large sheet of paper and then lay claim to the shared space. I solved this by drawing a line straight across the shared space and filling everything beneath it up with paint. Other people did it by drawing pretty pictures of birds and flowers and bunny rabbits and fish, but I painted everything brown. I just wanted to lay claim to my space and my share of the shared space and not give anyone room to enter into mine. I thought brown was an ugly enough color to make that point clear to everybody. I was not in the mood to be kind and careful and considerate and giving by painting fragile and cheerful scenes.
I suppose that could be considered anti social, but it did give the other people all the room to work on their half unhindered by me, because I would not invade them.
Sometimes life's a bitch.
This happened right after the coffee break during which someone asked me why I never talked about my parents and I told her in plain language why I never did and she was very upset about it. I suppose subconsciously, I was upset about it too, although I did not give it a thought once I was done talking about it.
The Exfactor did not come by to do his laundry. He just came by to check on me and to make sure I was alright, so I could assure him that I was and I think it is all getting to be a little bit too much for him, because he had a deja vu moment during which he imagined that we already had the conversation we were having several days earlier. So, I think I need to manage better on my own. The Exfactor is not as stress resistant as we think he is.
I need to be careful who I share myself with. I don't want to overwhelm people with me. The sheer entity of who I am with all the extremes that come with it. You can't just say to a person that you were almost psychotic the other day. That's scary! Unless you are a fellow patient with a similar disability and you know the experience.
My greatest friend is the Überhund who loves me no matter what sort of a crazy mood I am in. He is always patient with me. He thinks I am just great.
Tomorrow is grocery shopping day again. It seems that it has been more than six days since I've done that last, but I can't be sure. I don't need that many things. Milk and yogurt and juice. And a treat. Yesterday, I went to the tobacco shop and I also got a Côte d'Or Chocolate bar with truffles. It was so delicious. Chocolate always puts me in a good mood. That's silly, drinking a glass of juice also puts me in a good mood, chocolate is just more decadent. Chocolate is one of those foods that should be very healthy for you to eat, like strawberries.
Last week the Exfactor brought me the last strawberries from the Paramount's garden. They weren't sweet and juicy, but crunchy like apples. Still, they tasted good and I ate them all. It was like forbidden fruit. I don't think the Paramount knew I was eating her last strawberries.
I left the house this morning without having combed my hair. When I got to my destination, I went into the ladies room and fashioned it into something halfway decent with a little bit of water. Still, I felt like carrying a sign that said, "This is not my real hair!" Or one that said, "I am much better looking in real life." Maybe people should always wear signs explaining some bit of themselves on any given day. "Excuse me, I am grumpy today. It's nothing personal."
Now I must go read some blogs or I will be banished from blogland forever.
No need to.
I was in such a deep sleep, that I don't remember anything I dreamed about. Usually I remember some small snippets, but I don't remember a thing this morning. As a rule I dream about the children. Not a dream goes by or they are in it, no matter how fantastic the dream gets. If I dream about a tribe in Siberia, the children are there in it too, and if I'm in the South Pacific, then so are the children.
Now I remember what I dreamed about. We were in China and everything was very shoddy. The escalators at the airport collapsed when you got on them and walls crumbled and people fell to their death ten stories below. The Chinese authorities said it was all due to faulty building done by Dutch and English engineers and the Chinese people believed them. We were trying to tell them that this wasn't so, in a language that we made up ourselves and that we assumed was some sort of Chinese dialect.
For some reason, nothing ever bad happens to us on all these adventures and we are always able to communicate. My son always plays a mystical role in these dreams and he gets us into contact with a shaman and other wise people like that. I think he is actually the one who helps us communicate.
Well, that's interesting, isn't it? I'm glad that I always dream about the children. It feels like they are always a large part of my life this way. I know that in reality, a dream only takes a short time, but to me it feels like I spent the whole night with them.
Today is ergo therapy. Remember I told you that 'ergo' is very much like the Dutch word 'erger' which means 'to bother.' So, sometimes we call it 'bother therapy.' And it feels like that too, sometimes. Like you are being bothered. You feel like saying, "Oh, don't bother me so, please!"
I've got to hang up and get the day started. Put on my best face and my best clothes. The Exfactor is coming to do his laundry this afternoon. I've got to look especially attractive for his sake, don't I?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Now, now, now...
My hairdresser was in a rush and subsequently, she cut my hair a little bit shorter than usual, but heck, I don't mind, when I got home I washed all the wax out of my hair and combed it into place and fixed it there with some hairspray and it looks fine. Now I just don't look like a hooligan anymore. I look like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. I took some pictures of myself, but for some reason, I can't make my eyes come out right. You be the judge. They don't look happy, but I don't feel sad now. Maybe I'm deranged.
There's been a cold wind blowing all day and it is very unpleasant to go outside. I must, because the Überhund has to go for his walks, but I don't go gladly. I have the heater on all day, because I refuse to sit here with cold hands. I've got my warm slippers on and I feel like an old lady all bundled up against the cold. I am throwing my whole image overboard this way.
I've visited Blurb.com and it looks like they've got a really good product on offer that is worth looking into when I have enough art to make it into a book. Actually...maybe I already have. I have to do some serious thinking about this. I really, really do...
I have been so caught up in myself, so very much only busy with what has been on my mind, that I have not read any blogs for a couple of days and I hope to rectify that situation soon. I must go to the google reader and see what I have missed. I am sure there wil be lots waiting for me there. I must put on my brave shoes and wade through it.
It's important that I sleep well tonight, because tomorrow is ergo therapy and I must be perky and on my toes. I am quite alert right now and wonder about falling asleep. I am drinking decaf and will take my sleeping pill and hopefully not be awakened by any rambunctious cats. Actually, I am a bit hyper and could easily walk around the block several times if it weren't for that awful wind. I will take the Überhund for one final walk in a while.
Life is a lot duller if you drink decaf. Did anyone ever point that out to you?
You let yourself talk about your most intimate feelings and that is good, even self indulgent, but sometime later you think about how it will be perceived by the people who read your blog and when they will run out of patience with you and come back with a snide remark, and you know that will hurt you, but you will also think that you deserve it for being self centered.
Therefor, my good people, I am ever so grateful for your patience and kind and encouraging words and for showing me the relativity of it all and for not letting me make a mountain out of a molehill. I could be writing into a void and only hearing the echo of my own voice, but thanks to all of you, I hear many voices. My gratitude for that.
I had a very short night, as I was woken up by some cats who were fooling around with some blinds in plastic cases that were standing in the corner of the hallway. Of course, they fell over with a lot of racket and cats fleeing in different directions and the Überhund getting upset. These blinds should have been taken to the dump a long time ago, but never were, so I'll have to place them somewhere else. It's bound to happen again.
The problem is, that once I am awake, I am so happy to be awake, that I want to stay that way, so I do everything I can to assure that I do. I turn on the computer and make myself a mug of coffee and turn on the music on the iTunes Player and light a cigarette. Then I go and find some activity to do on Facebook, for example. Something active that gets my braincells firing. I remember my father getting up stealthily in the middle of the night, so he could be busy very quietly in his workshop. He didn't want to waste any time sleeping either. Of course, my father went quite mad in the end...
I am not allowed to do any voluntary work or to follow any course without the explicit permission of Social Services. Anything I take on must be approved by them. Since they have promised to put me on a trajectory to get me back into the workforce, I have not heard another word about this. I was supposed to see one of their psychologists and be evaluated, but nothing is happening yet. I have been warned by everyone to let sleeping dogs lie and not take any initiative myself on this. It is more important that I stay in the current therapies as long as possible and to not rock the boat. My exemption from work ends officially on January the 5th, but I will be unable to do anything unless they have put me through the whole trajectory. The ball is in their court, as they say.
I think it is just awful that I can't go to the Random Word Generator and go look for new names. I feel very frustrated about that, it's like a piece of my happiness has been taken away. And then there was the joy of finding the right images.
Oh yes. I am forgetting the other stuff, aren't I? The crazy making bit. I am like an alcoholic thirsting for a drink.
It's storming so very hard outside, the rain is being whipped against the windows.
So long, dear people, I hope you have a bit of sunshine in your life now. Or a beautiful moon shining down on you,