Thursday, April 30, 2009

Queen's day.

Well, that turned out to be a very sad Queen's day. A man in a car drove through a crowd of people at high speed and through barriers and tried to drive it into the open bus that carried the royal family. Luckily, he veered of course and came to rest at a monument which he hit with high impact. Bodies flew through the air and people laid wounded in the street. Four people died, eight are wounded critically and six are wounded mildly. All festivities of the day in that town they were visiting were canceled. It was a deliberate attempt at assassinating the royal family. Before they cut the suspect out of the car, he admitted as much.

I didn't hear this news until I met Von downtown and she told me about it and I was shocked, because such things just don't happen here. Well, now they do, I guess. Now Queen's Day will never be the same again.

When I came home at six, I watched the news immediately and saw the whole debacle on film and the consequent horror. It's very sad and it surely left its mark on my afternoon. Suddenly I didn't feel like celebrating so much anymore, and I was subdued the whole time. Von and I had a cappuccino and then went to the park to listen to a blues band that was pretty good. The park was packed with people, young and old, and there were refreshment stands all over the place.

After listening to the band we walked around a bit, but it was almost impossible because of the crowd and then decided to go to a Greek restaurant to eat Tzatziki, which is a very thick creamy Greek yogurt with gralic and cucumbers in it. My portion was just enough to eat for me, it was very filling, but it tasted delicious.

I had to wait 50 minutes for my bus to take me home, apparently a bus had a break down somewhere down the line. I made it home 5 minutes before six PM, just in time for the news and enough time left to cuddle the Überhund.

I am sorry, I feel exhausted and completely deflated because of the news. I think I will put on my pajamas and call it an early night. A little bit of sleep puts everything back into perspective. I just heard the news that another heavily injured person died.

Have a good evening, everyone.


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What did I tell you?

I have such a hard time waking up in the morning. The alarm clock wakens me out of a deep sleep and I need at least an hour to pull myself back into the land of the living because I have been so sound asleep. I sleep like a bear in hibernation. Quite befuddled I sit on the sofa with my mug of coffee and forget to drink it while I try to remember who I am and which day I am living in. In the meantime the Überhund wants my attention and rubs his head against my hands repeatedly and I absentmindedly rub his ears, but woe is me if I stop.

I smoke my cigarettes, but I am unable to get a fresh mug of coffee and sit with my half cold one and just don't know what to do. The minutes tick away and it keeps getting closer to eight AM, when I absolutely need to get in the starting blocks, which I then do, quite suddenly and then there is no stopping me. I go on automatic pilot and do all the things I need to do in the correct order, so I won't forget anything.

It isn't really until after I've walked the dog that I'm fully awake and can say I am present and accounted for. Then I look at the clock to see how many minutes I have left to have another cup of coffee and if I can afford to be a few minutes late and how quickly I need to ride my bike without having an accident. I figure I can decently be five minutes late and it is not really a big deal. Anything past that is rude.

During the break in ergo therapy, I met the new creative therapist for Tuesdays and we told her honestly that I had been intimidated to come, but she was ever so nice and took the time to show me around the room and showed me all the different projects I could try working on, which made me quite excited, because I saw things there that I had not seen in the other creative space. Working with lino cuts for example, which I am already sure that I am going to try first and working with Arabian gum and water and ink, which makes real nice effects and all sorts of other things. I was like a kid in the candy shop.

But...we must address this initial fear I have to start new things, because I am going to keep running into this problem and not everywhere in life people are going to be as patient and understanding with me, so I have to develop new strategies. I have fear of the unknown.

After ergo therapy, I had a one hour break, but luckily, so had a bunch of other people and the weather was nice, so we sat out on the deck in the sunshine and I ate four pieces of nougat that I still had in my purse from an outing with Von. I had also been smart enough to bring my one PM medications and remembered to take those. Sometimes I amaze myself.

At 1:30 PM we went down to the rec room for elementary movements, which is moving sensually to ethnic music, that's the only way to describe it. You will probably remember that I tried this once before and gave up on it, but I was bound and determined to get it right this time. Much to my surprise, I got the really hard movement right, which is moving your hips up and down while moving them back and forth and sideways, while not loosing your rhythm and then walking and stomping your feet along with it.

This is very hard to do, because you have to concentrate on so many things, firstly on your whole body stance and alignment. After you've done it for a while. you feel that you've tensed up and you have to relax and shake it all about and realign and start all over again. In between we danced loosely however we wanted to very happy music as wild as we wanted. I need some practice in this. I have a very Calvinistic body. It's not very wild.

We ended with a meditation, which was nice and relaxing and I was home by three PM, full of energy and took the dog for a walk, who had been impatiently waiting for me to get home, because he was right at the door when I opened it.

After that, I had a cup of coffee and sat down for a while, reading my mail and looking at my almost clean living room. I still need to mop the floors, but I got a lot done yesterday and will continue tomorrow morning, which is a day off, because it is Queen's Day.

Toby is very much better. He no longer has a snotty, runny nose and his eyes are clear. He only sneezes a little bit now, but you can see that there has been a vast improvement. He no longer makes that awful sound when he breathes and he wants lots of affection. And here I was ready to give up on him, that's how sick he was. Good old Toby.

The Exfactor came by for a quick cup of coffee and after that I somehow found the energy to go grocery shopping, because I was all out of milk. I can't live without milk. I also bought a six pack of Cola Light, but hadn't realized that Cola straight from the can would interfere something awful with my gastric band and two swallows from it made me feel like I had had a super meal and I felt a huge burp that was stuck there, but wouldn't come out. I poured the Cola in a glass and waited for all the bubbles to dissipate before I drank the rest of it. Flat Cola is the best.

Now it's time to bring the evening to an end. The day sure went by quickly, I feel like there were not enough hours in it. I need to put my pajamas on and relax behind the dumb box for a while. Tomorrow is another day and I get to sleep in. We'll see what time I naturally get up without the alarm clock.

Sleep tight, all you sweet people, sorry you don't have a holiday tomorrow.


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Cutting Class.

The alarm clock woke me at eight AM this morning, which is really a good sign, because it means I'm sleeping well and would probably sleep even later if I could.As it turns out, I think the bed is a much better place for me to sleep in than the sofa was to sleep on, as I am really more comfortable and sleep deeper and steadier and don't wake up with aches and pains.

Nouri keeps me company by laying right beside my pillows and there is always at least one other cat laying on top of me. The Überhund sleeps on his pillow beside the bed. It's all very cozy and you see that the animals do like your company and seek it out.

So, after I got up, I did my slow waking up routine, which includes petting the dog while he sits between my legs and goes into ecstasy, because he loves to have his ears scratched. Then he barked at me, because he wanted to eat. It was his eating bark, which is high pitched and kind of urgent.

I made cigarettes, a whole pack full, and had another coffee and then got dressed and walked the dog in the rain and got very wet. Considering I had to get on my bike and go to the clinic, this did not make me very happy and I wished for it to stop raining, which it did not.

I gathered my things together and was ten minutes away from leaving, when I decided not to go, and it was only partially due to the weather. I suddenly chickened out and thought that I would feel more comfortable if I met the new therapist first and investigate the new work space, so I would not suddenly find myself in a strange place with a new therapist whom I did not know.

Somehow, this way of thinking seemed logical to me and it gave me a way out and I realized that I had been feeling a bit of pressure about it all that I was ignoring. I'm really not a very brave person and imagine all sorts of uncomfortable scenarios in my head before I have to start a new venture. I'd rather make sure everything is safe ahead of time and soothe my own mind.

This left me perfectly nicely dressed and made up unexpectedly at home, so I gave myself some computer time, but I will follow it up with house cleaning time. I think I will finally vacuum the living room, because it's been ages since that's been done, and I will hang up laundry to dry and I will dust. Then I will do whatever other kind of job I have the energy and motivation for, I will make many dents in an otherwise seemingly impossible task.

My sister just called to tell me that she got a terrible case of the stomach flu at both ends for two hours straight and that she now feels completely washed up and weak. It almost sounds like food poisoning, but she has not eaten anything out of the ordinary and no one else is sick. She was supposed to go to work today too. Poor thing.

I think I will start my work in the kitchen and get that area cleaned up first. I do have some dishes to do and some sweeping to do as well. Somehow I always feel better if the kitchen is under control. Then I have a clean base to work from. The cats won't like me dragging out the vacuum cleaner, but it can't be helped. It must be done. Especially the furniture needs a good cleaning.

Well, wish me luck and a lot of muscle power and endurance. Hopefully I'll get far today.


P.S. A tag from my friend Von, they're the latest in compliments to collect in dating sites, as I understand it.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Merry Monday.

I finally got off the sofa, which was slowly mangling my body and limbs and causing me to get up like an old a lady in the morning, and slept in my freshly made bed, after I also screwed in an extra energy saving light bulb in my double fixture lamp, which made the bedroom look cozier and extra inviting so that I liked being in there better. It still is an awfully big room for just that one little single bed and I do feel kind of lost in it, but I slept well and only read half a page in my new book before I was asleep. Needless to say, I have no idea what the book is about and I will have to read that same half page over again.

I woke up at 3:30 AM to go to the loo and for one whole minute thought I was awake and that I should stay up. Luckily, I had the sense to go back to bed first to see if I was really done sleeping and fell asleep again almost immediately after trying to read the same half page in that book again and this time it made even less sense.

The alarm clock woke me at seven AM and it was going off for quite some time before I realized what that irritating noise was. I must get a friendlier sounding alarm clock, one that has bird song or something pleasant like that. If the alarm clock had not gone off, I would have slept a lot later, so I think sleeping in my bed is an overall better experience for my night rest. Tomorrow morning I get to sleep until 8:30 AM and we'll see if I make that.

It took me almost 50 minutes to get into a functioning mode. I sat and had coffee and cigarettes and petted the dog. You see how I like to live dangerously and postpone everything right down to the last minute. Then, suddenly, I got dressed and made up and fixed my slept on hair and medicated the dog and took him for a walk. When I got back, I just had enough time to make a portion of cigarettes to take with me and drink one last cup of coffee. That left me with seven minutes to get to the clinic.

Luckily, everybody else was late and I was the first one there. It seemed that the buses are on a holiday schedule now and didn't pick up people when they expected it. The schools have their spring break now.

I went to work on my sculpture and had to work out some difficult areas that I could not see on the photograph, but that I somehow by logic had to guess at and although it was frustrating, little by little I figured out what I thought I had to do. It meant taking away a lot off clay and making one area very unstable, but it was the only way to go, there was no other option.

Then I had to fine tune the whole thing and make sure it was properly finished and hollowed out and I had to take a chunk of clay to shore up the unstable part so it would not start to lean over while it dried and get cracks in it. At that point, it was as finished as I could get it and I declared it done. There is a point where you have to stop messing with it.

I had about 15 minutes left to look through the book to see what I would make next and there are some things I may consider making next, although some of them are intimidating and I don't know if I can make them, though the therapist seems to think that I can. We'll see, it's always a bit scary to start a new one.

I wasn't home for 30 seconds when the phone rang and it was my sister who wanted to go for a walk with the dogs, which luckily, I was in the mood for and the Überhund needed a good walk. We met at her house and made a long walk through the neighborhood, checking out people's gardens and everything that blossomed there.

You wouldn't believe the amount of flowers we saw on bushes and hedges and plants. Everything is blooming and some of it smells very good. The trees are laden with leaves and it looks like it is high summer. Everything has changed in just a very short amount of time and it all looks beautiful.

My sister is looking for a new house and saw two for sale in my street and wants to find out more about them. After her divorce, she's not keeping the big house she's living in now. The gardens alone are too much work. So, we'll see what happens.

The Überhund was plumb worn out from his long walk and has taken all this afternoon to recuperate, but I think now he is getting ready to eat again and go for his evening stroll. Toby still sounds very plugged up and in a minute I have to clean up his nose again, which he will hate, but it has to be done.

I think I have enough energy to do some cleaning around here. Nothing massive, just some little jobs to help make it look better. Cleaning up the bedroom helped. I wish there was an anti cobweb spray.

Have a good evening, you all. It still hasn't rained here, though they keep saying it will.


Sunday, April 26, 2009

What I have to remember!

I have to remember, that when my mood is very flat and I'm dragging my body through life like it is a sack of potatoes and I can't seem to get happy and excited, that I need to go and sleep! It's an absolute prerogative and it doesn't matter what time of the day it is and what I should be doing instead, because what I must do is sleep a few hours and I will wake up refreshed and much happier and I will no longer be dragging my body through life.

I seem to need a certain amount of sleep that is greater than what the average person needs, at least when my mood is the way it has been lately, and it does me no good to get up at 8 AM and think that I am ready to start the day and that a cup of coffee will clear the cobwebs from my mind and give me the energy I need.

I need to take my medications and go back to sleep as long as it doesn't interfere with me having to be somewhere at a certain time. I think that on the mornings that I need to get an early start, I must try to go to sleep early the night before and try to let nothing interfere with my sleep and sleep until the alarm clock goes off.

I must get this absolutely straight in my head and it seems to me that it's a lesson I should have learned by now, but it fakes me out and confuses me and makes me make the same mistake over and over again.

This morning I was all ready to take a long nap when the Exfactor showed up for several cups of coffee. He said he didn't want me to feel lonely on a Sunday, which was very kind of him. After he left, I walked the Überhund and then turned on the TV to some inane program that didn't interest me and fell asleep and slept for several hours and when I woke up, I felt so much better. It was like I started a brand new day with a brand new attitude and suddenly everything didn't seem so difficult anymore.

I did waste the whole afternoon, but what a healthy way to waste it. I have to get that sign out again that tells me to go to sleep and lay it on the coffee table where I can see it and be reminded of it constantly. Aren't I a silly person for not learning my lesson well?

Now it's almost time to take my medications again and to feed the Überhund and put ointment in his eyes. It may be my imagination, but I think Toby is less snotty today, although he is without energy and just sort of hangs around and tries to be as comfortable as he can. Breathing is still difficult.

I am going to change the sheets on my bed and try and sleep in my bed tonight. I have been sleeping on the sofa for a long time now and it isn't always that comfortable. I do wake up with aches and pains here and there. I will miss the noise of the TV, but I will read a book instead, which I haven't done in a long time. I wish I had a small radio, but I don't think I own such a thing. We used to have a portable TV, but I don't know what happened to it.

This will force me to clean up the bedroom, which is a good thing and it won't actually take that long. Then I will take a shower and put on clean pajamas and watch some TV, just like a regular person. Can it get any better than that?

The Überhund has woken up, so I must now feed him and all the rest. I am happy that I got to write a more cheerful post before the day was done.

Have a good evening, you all.


Sunday at my laziest.

No, I shouldn't say I'm at my laziest, that's not the problem. In spite of the fact that I am starting to feel a bit better emotionally, there is still the aftermath of the depression, if I am indeed over it. My mind feels a bit better, but I have very little energy to spare and I mostly just want to eat and lie on the sofa.

I am taking extra vitamins in the hope that it will help a bit, but I've run out of my multi vitamins and just took an handful of vitamin C, some Omega 3 capsules and Kelp Lecithin, the last one is good for your metabolism. I thought I had another pot of multi vitamin tablets, but I can't find it anywhere and have to keep looking for it. I know it must be somewhere here. Sometimes I clean things up too well and I am over organized.

I had a bit of a slow start this morning and couldn't quite get my act together. The coffee didn't help either. I felt like my head was stuffed with cotton instead of the usual gray matter. Then my keyboard stopped working and I messed around with the cable where it enters the keyboard and finally got it to work again.It's a very precarious thing and I will have to get a new one. First I have to find out how expensive Toby is going to be this month at the vet.

Anyway, the Überhund was not having a slow start and demanded to be taken out, a visit out back was not good enough. I distracted him with food, but it didn't help, so I had to get dressed and take him out. I was so thoroughly unexcited about this. The weather was warm and muggy and it had rained during the night. The sun is shining now and it would be a good day to sit on a café terrace, except that the ride over there is too much work for me.I'm no longer tempted by the beer and probably would have cappuccinos instead.

My sister just called, because she wanted to take the dogs for a walk and was surprised when she met my resistance. I told her that I didn't give a hoot that the sun was shining, for all I care, it could be raining right now. The farmers need it, and I think it would be very cozy inside with some rain outside. It's supposed to rain later this afternoon. I hope it's a good drench.

I think I need to go back to sleep, so I will kick off my boots and get comfortable on the sofa. Maybe this will be another sleep day. One in which I gather all my energy for the days to come Sleep is such a blessing. It does me so much good.

Have a good Sunday, everyone.


Saturday, April 25, 2009

Nursing Days.

I feel like I'm a nurse in a vet clinic taking care of the animals. I give the Überhund his Fortiflex for his osteoarthritis in the morning wrapped in a slice of meat and then apply two sorts of ointment to his eyes, because both eyes are infected, I repeat this process in the evening. In between, all day long, I am picking off the scabby snot of Toby's nose, so he can breathe, and I'm cleaning his eyes.

He doesn't like this very much and puts up a struggle, so I have to grab him by the skin of his neck and be quick about it without making an enemy out of him. So far, this seems to be working, because he does not actually run away from me, but lets me pet him afterwards, so maybe in his dim little mind, he knows it's necessary. Since cats can only breathe through their nose, he sounds terrible and you can hear him from some distance and I have to keep the passages open.

I do find that I have a lot of patience when it comes to taking care of sick animals, so maybe I'm a natural and I missed my calling. The Überhund is very good about having the ointments put in his eyes and doesn't put up a struggle, he is completely resigned to it and when I tell him to scoot closer, he actually does.

Those poor critters in my sickbay . I hope the other two stay healthy.

My day started off kind of slow with an undetermined mood, It felt that it could go either way and I sat behind the computer for a while and drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes. When I was fully functioning, I walked the dog, but when I came back, I was so tired that I laid down on the sofa and took a nap, from which I woke rather refreshed and hungry.

I had something to eat and made a shopping list and went to the grocery store, where it was very busy and many shopping carts blocked the aisles. I very rudely shoved my way through them, because I am very single minded and when on a mission, stick to my goal and get to the things that are on my list and nobody gets to stand in my way.Especially not little old men who have very doubtful looks on their faces as they contemplate the many kinds of soup and won't get out of the way. I do so dislike people who dawdle and have bewildered looks on their faces.

I do always manage to pick the really good checkout line that moves quickly and I'm done in no time. The hardest part is getting all the groceries back in your shopping cart to take them to your bike where you can fill up your various bags. You can't keep up with the speed of the check out person and you have to pay before you have all the groceries back into your cart. We don't have bag people in the Netherlands like they do in the States.

Once I got home, and had unloaded all the groceries, my neighbor from upstairs came for a cup of coffee. She is a very lonely woman who needs a bit of company every now and then and she comes and has coffee with me. She has a very complicated life in which everything goes wrong and I only understand half of it, but I try to be a listening ear, although at times that is hard. Especially when I can't quite follow the story. She has decided that I am her friend.

I was so discombobulated, that I almost let some of my plants dry out and die, but I think I caught myself just in time and gave them a good dousing in the kitchen sink.It's always a bad sign if you don't take care of your house plants properly. I've had many plants die that way, because I was mentally not okay and neglected things around me. It's a good thing that the animals make noise and remind me to take care of them. Lol.

Well, now I have to get something to eat and get into my pajamas for a nice leisurely evening in front of the TV. We were suppposed to get some rain, but it never materialized.

Here are some pictures I made yesterday.

Have a good evening, cozy in your livingrooms.


Friday, April 24, 2009


My cat Toby is pretty sick. He is sneezing and coughing and has runny eyes and a very runny, snotty nose, which I need to keep clean for him so that he can breathe. He doesn't like this, but I have to do it. I took him to the vet tonight and he said that Toby has the "sneezing disease", which I can't find a translation for. He gave him a shot of antibiotics that will last for two weeks and hopefully he will be a lot better then, If not, we determine the rest of the treatment. It is contagious, but since the other cats are showing now symptoms, it means their resistance to it is high or they would have gotten it already,.

Poor Toby was so miserable in the cat carrier and then we had to sit a while in the waiting room surrounded by dogs and Toby was pathetically meowing nearly the whole time. Things were more interesting to him when he saw the vet and got to come out of the carrier when the vet listened to his breathing and gave him his shot. Then we had to manhandle him back into the carrier, which he did not want to get back into, but we managed in the end. He was really happy when we got home and I opened the carrier and he could walk out of it and be in his familiar surroundings again, but now I don't see him anywhere and I think he has walked away angry. He is probably sulking somewhere.

I've started on a new sculpture at creative therapy this morning, after having a heart to heart talk with the therapist who had talked to my ergo therapist and we straightened out some misunderstandings. As by now I am really tired of discussing the subject, I won't go into it again here. Needless to say, I have a lot to learn.

The new sculpture is hard, as I have to do a lot of guess work and I'm going slow and trying to place myself in the mind of Henry Moore and what he intended to show with the rest of the sculpture that I can't see. Somehow it has to make sense.

When we took a break I sat in the smoking room, deep in thought and unable to loosen up and get into the conversation. I'm not back to normal yet. I tried to make small talk, but it was hard and I had to pull the words out of a very deep place inside of me. It is better to be at work and scrape away the clay and add where it is needed.

When I came home, there was no Überhund, but I saw the Exfactor's bike parked outside and figured he was taking him for a walk. After a while they came home and the Überhund ran inside to find me and needed many cuddles. The Exfactor and I had coffee and he promised that he would come by next week and help me clean the apartment. He is concerned about my state of affairs and tries to help me out in every possible way.

I had an appointment with my SPN at 2 PM and when I got there we filled out the paperwork together to get temporary help in the household for me. That means people come and help you set things right again, but you also have to do the work, you can't sit back and have them do it. They help you get back on your feet again while you are unable to do it on your own.

After that I rode my funky pedaling bike downtown and parked on a street close to the market square where the café was were I was to meet Von. The terrace was completely in the shade and it was kind of chilly, as the wind blew through the street off the river. Probably not the best place to have picked for a meeting. I had a Wieckse Witte while I waited for her and soon enough she showed up. Meeting with Von is the most relaxing thing I do all week and we sat and enjoyed ourselves talking and watching the people walk by.

I ordered a second glass of Wieckse Witte, but couldn't finish it and I think the next time I will just order a cappuccino with a cookie.

I had to take back two pairs of leggings that were much to long and had a very strange design on them that had not been visible from the package. Luckily, this was no problem and I got my money back and bought some new leggings in another store. We didn't buy any food for a change and parted early, because I had to go to the pharmacy before they closed to pick up some medications I was almost out of.

It was good to get home, regardless of the state of it, I ignore it as much as possible.I saw the state Toby was in and knew I had to do something. The Überhund just about crawled on my lap because he was so happy to see me. I'm his main woman. I'm his Mom.

Now it is time to shut off the computer and make myself comfortable on the sofa with something to eat. I've already got my pajamas on, so that part is all done. I just have to take my medicines.

Hope you had a good day and are having a good evening.



I've put off writing this post all day, because I assume you want a nice cheerful one and that's not what you are going to get. I feel that I should write a cheerful post, that I owe you that much and I have felt under a great deal of pressure because of it. Now, at the end of the day, I am just going to write whatever pops into my head and not worry about disappointing anyone.

I have done nothing today. Absolutely nothing. Mostly I have been asleep on the sofa and that is the reason why I never did get out of my pajamas. Every time I thought I was done sleeping, I was not, because I would get up and run into a wall of sadness and to me that is a sign that I need to go back to sleep until it is gone.

So, I slept and slept with the TV on in the background. I slept and dreamed and woke up and turned on the computer and shut it off again and went back to sleep. Every time I was up and felt my nerves get the better of me, I shut the computer down and went back to the sofa were I laid down and very quickly fell asleep again.

Now it's late at night and I've read some blogs on my Google reader, but I've hardly left any comments. It just seemed like too much work and many times I didn't have anything sensible to say. I'm sure it is the same way for people who visit my blog. What's there to say, but I commiserate with you?

Tomorrow is going to be quite a different day. I have creative therapy in the morning, which I have very mixed feelings about. I want to sculpt, but I'm afraid that the therapist will think that I'll be sculpting for someone else and will not give me permission to. If she doesn't, it will mean another blow to me and I can't handle that right now.

At 2 PM I have an appointment with my SPN, which I also have mixed feelings about, because I am starting to feel as if I am becoming a difficult patient and I don't like that, I hate to be needy and have demands. I very quickly think that my therapist will no longer like me and start to dislike treating me.

After that, I have an appointment with my friend Von at a café downtown and I hope I have the energy to be good company. I can't be a downhearted person like I was today.

So these are some of the short term worries I have on my mind now. Those are the ones for tomorrow. I can't think past that day. The other things will have to wait until I feel better.

I have to stop writing now. I feel a lot of stress. I have to take my medicines and go back to sleep.


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Wednesday after the ergo therapy.

Well, you all know that I started feeling better after my daughter's phone call. That brought me back to reality a bit and reminded me of some very important people I love. That was very good for me and I was able to have a relaxed evening and a good night's sleep and was woken by the alarm clock at 7 AM.

I had to go to ergo therapy and it was especially important that I go, because I find that the therapist there usually sheds some light on whatever problem I am dealing with. I usually have a "Eureka Moment" there, so I assumed I would have one today also. I was bound and determined to have one.

After dressing in my lavender leggings and my black and white mini dress and my brown boots, I took the dog for a walk and then had a cup of coffee and made some cigarettes, before I hopped on my bike and rode it to the clinic. I was on time to sit on the deck with an espresso and chat with some other people before it was time for the therapy . We all filed in with our cups of coffee and found our place to sit and I was eager to start, but the therapist had an announcement first.

The clinic has been taken over by another country wide organization and they want the clients to do six half days of therapy in a week. I am doing three half days right now, so I needed to add another three. So, all of us had to add some half days to our schedule and we got the paperwork out to see what we could add.

If it all works out, I have added another 4 hour creative class on Tuesdays, a dance class on Wednesdays, providing four other women I know also go, a music therapy class on Thursdays and a relaxation techniques class also on Thursdays. That's beside the two mornings of creative therapy I already do on Mondays and Fridays and the ergo therapy I do on Wednesdays.

It's a very full schedule and there is some concern as to whether or not I can handle it, but I think I will be fine. Or am I overestimating myself now? I never know until I try it, it will be like having a job and going to work every day. I think it's good, as it will leave me less time to be alone with my own thoughts and ponder things and I will get tired and sleep well.

So, anyway, then we did our usual round and when it was my turn I told about my bad down turn and about what happened at creative therapy on Monday and that I had been drinking and had suicidal thoughts and had been very depressed and the whole damn story and we discussed all of this for awhile to get to the bottom of it and what it really comes down to, is that on Monday I felt rejected and I take rejection very personally and that has to do with my childhood.

When I get a rejection, I feel rejected as a whole person, all of me is rejected and with me that leads to extreme feelings of worthlessness and depression and self destructive thoughts and suicidal tendencies. I literally start to self destruct emotionally, but also wish it physically. I chaotically start to fall apart and stop functioning normally and it takes me a lot of talking with other people and a lot of reasoning to see my way out of that situation again.

So, you could say that I am vulnerable to rapid cycling, but that there is always a trigger that gets me started if you look carefully enough and it is probably something that would not upset someone else so much. It wouldn't fester like that.

So, that's pretty clear, isn't it? It makes sense to me.

Now for something completely different.

Today I received this beautiful bouquet of roses from my good and thoughtful blogging friend Tessa, who had it sent to me to put a smile on my face. Well, you can bet that it did. It's gorgeous and I luckily had the perfect vase for it and they stand on the dining table where I can look at them constantly and admire them very much. Thank you very much, Tessa, you peach! Some people are very good at performing random acts of kindness and Tessa is one of them.

I have to feed the Überhund and take him for a walk and then eat something and I may just get comfortable and put my pajamas on, but that's a big maybe, because it is rather early still.

I want to thank all of you who have been so supportive of me with your comments and wise advice. I hope I'm a little bit smarter now and that I will be okay now.

Have a very good evening.


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A phone call.

My daughter called me from Texas this afternoon and we talked for about 45 minutes. This did me so much good. It was better than any pill I could have taken or any therapy session. All she did was tell me about all the details of her life and I was an eager listener and asked many questions and it satisfied me very much. My daughter is a wise woman and has her head screwed on straight and makes good decisions, but we had the most fun talking about my grandson and about her vegetable garden. These are very good moments in a day and are very precious. I treasure them like precious jewels.

This morning, after I had those two beers, I walked the dog and took a long nap on the sofa and when I woke up, I was sober. I made a decision then and there to not have any beer in the house, because it only complicated matters and was not really a solution. It's better if I face my problems stone sober and not inebriated. Being somewhat drunk is just running away from what is really bothering me and not facing up to those things.

I was not feeling well and very down in the dumps. The things I had to take care of overwhelmed me and I could not face them and pull them off. I cleaned up the kitchen, but that is as far as my willpower went. I called the Exfactor and he agreed to do the grocery shopping for me, which I was not looking forward to. I dreaded getting on my bike and going to the store and picking out the things I needed to get. It seemed like an unsurmountable task and very difficult to be in a busy store surrounded by shoppers with shopping baskets who all had the same objective, to get out of the store as quickly as possible.

The Exfactor drank the last beer there was in the refrigerator and I specifically told him not to buy any more. I don't want to become an alcoholic and that is what I would have to be in order for the buzz of the beer to last all day long and that's silly. I would rather drink coffee and decaf and take my tranquilizers and eat a decent meal now and then.

I told the Exfactor that sometimes I felt suicidal, but that I worried about what would happen with the dog if I was gone and that this kept me from seriously pursuing this line of thought. He is an old dog, nobody would want him and the Exfactor can't have any pets where he lives.

Shortly after he left, my daughter called and that changed everything. The dog's eye is infected again and I had to take him to the vet and was not looking forward to that at all, even though I knew I had to go. I had a sore stomach because I knew I had to go, but after my daughter called, it suddenly seemed like an easy job and I took him over there and got two kinds of ointment for his eye which doesn't look good at all. It's going to be a chronic disorder that will never get fixed but only be kept under control. The medication is rather expensive, but the Exfactor pays for it as part of our divorce agreement. I feed the dog and he pays for the medical expenses. I don't buy cheap dog food.

I am looking forward to tomorrow because it is ergo therapy then and I always pick up a golden nugget or two. In other words, I usually come out wiser than I went in. A lot depends on the mood with which I enter the discussion. Honesty is important. I have to be fully aware of my mood and not try to make it look different than what it is. I have to tell the whole truth and nothing but. Not try to dismiss any part of it.

Sometimes I get so darned scared of life. It is like it immobilizes me and I want to crawl away in a hole and never come out. Things I do as a matter of fact usually, suddenly become terrifying. The stress it causes me is enormous and renders me useless. I may as well be locked up in a padded room, when all I really need is a lot of tender loving care and a guardian angel. Just for a while, until I have courage again.

Well, the Exfactor sent me some photographs, so I will post those now. I only post what I think will interest you.

I hope you all have a good evening and that you all have your heads on straight.


I tried.

I put it off for an hour and a half, but then I could not wait any longer and went to the refrigerator and got me a cold bottle of Hoegaarden. I know I will feel better only as long as the alcohol is in my body, but I just want a quick fix so that I don't feel this awful stress that I woke up with. I have just about finished the bottle and feel better already.

Yesterday afternoon at one point, actually closer to the evening, the effects of the alcohol wore off and I was back to reality. I didn't cope well with it, but after I walked the dog and watched the news, I put my pajamas on and took a long nap on the sofa. A very long nap. It was past midnight when I woke up and turned on the computer thinking I would be awake for awhile. I answered some emails, but pretty soon felt the sleep returning to my body and went back to the sofa where I quickly fell asleep and had very strange dreams about early Judaism and the origin of the rituals. It had to do with the power of numbers and the importance of the penis.

When I woke up this morning, I loathed my sculptures, although I remember loathing them last night as well. It seems that is where all my trouble started yesterday. With my therapist's refusal to let me make more, when I was so ready and willing to go to work on one. I know that this is something I will get over. This feeling won't last.

I don't know what my day is going to look like. I am drinking my second Hoegaarden now and I know I have to go to the store to buy milk and some other things and price beer, because there is no doubt about it that I am going to buy more. I'll have to sober up before I go. That causes me to feel much stress. The empty bottles have to be taken back for their deposit money and I just can't wrap my mind around that.

Well, I'm sorry that this is going to be such a short post. I guess I don't have it in me to write a longer one. I have to get dressed and walk the dog after I finish this beer.

I will write more later today.


Monday, April 20, 2009


By the end of the morning, at creative therapy, I was in the bottom of the deepest hole and in tears and I could not see my way out and everything seemed senseless and useless and futile. I could not create any work and had cleaned up all my things and sat at the empty table with a cup of coffee waiting for it to be time to go home.

But then the tears came and they were soon noticed by the therapist who came and sat with me and I told her how my moods fluctuated from very happy to very sad and how I could not predict them and how very frustrating that was and how much of a panic they caused me and how being in the pit of despair made me feel suicidal and that I could find no reason to keep on trying.

I used quite a bit of paper towels to wipe away my tears and blow my nose in. It was not a pretty sight and off putting to the other people there. The creative therapist made me promise that I would call my SPN as soon as I got home, and even though this also seemed futile to me, I promised I would.

So when I got home, I started another bawling session and felt very sorry for myself and had to get that out of the way first. When I had sufficiently composed myself, I called my SPN and told her the sorrowful tale of my changing moods from one extreme to the next and how I did not have my household under control anymore and how it was all starting to be too much for me to handle.

She reminded me that these fluctuations in my moods go with the time of year and there is not much that can be done about them, but to take care of me as well as we can in the meantime. She suggested I get someone to come over whom I trusted and I could only think of one person and that was the Exfactor, and she said that was fine. Anyone who was safe and trustworthy and had my best intentions in mind would do.

So, I called the Exfactor in tears and explained the situation to him and asked him to come hold my hand and to please bring a couple of beers, because I really needed to mellow out and forget everything that I felt was waiting for me. The bills, the household, the dishes, the dog and the cats, everything. He came over an hour later with a six pack of Hoegaarden, which is a Belgian white beer, brewed since 1445 and very good tasting.

After the first bottle, I felt a lot better and I think a cold beer is preferable to a tranquilizer. You get the company of a fellow human being and the good taste of the beer, plus the mellowing effect of the low level alcohol, 4.9%, that's all. We took pictures of each other drinking beer, that's how mellow I became, because it was my camera that did it.

That's a genuine Hoegaarden glass I'm drinking my beer from. It's supposed to be that clunky.

The Exfactor has left now, after drinking some coffee and I am drinking my second bottle of beer, which is putting me in a very good mood and makes me suspect that I like the effects of beer very much and I am grateful for it. I am going to stop after this bottle and not abuse the pleasantness of the side effects. A little bit goes a long way, but if the need is there again, I will reach for another bottle, not fearing that I will become an alcoholic, because I would have been one by now.

I am not allowed, in creative therapy, to make any sculptures for anyone else in the way of a commission. It is thought that it will put too much pressure on me and that the therapeutic value of the activity will be lost and that I will become stressed out as I make more and more sculptures for people who want them. I disagree with this, but I don't have the final say in this. I am forbidden at this time to work with clay and I'm supposed to do something else.

Well, we'll see how long that lasts. It could be that I change my mind about working with clay and that I decide that I miss it and that I want to do more sculptures, but not the same ones I had been doing. Maybe some similar to them, because some of Henry Moore's work looks very much alike. It may be that I can convince the therapist that I enjoy it very much and that it is a good activity for me, that I am a natural. It's all a question of willpower. Maybe I should drink a bottle of beer before I go to therapy and get Dutch courage.

Needless to say, I am not suicidal now, nor am I down in a pit of despair. As a matter of fact, I am in the " I don't give a darn stage." I like it just fine and should be in this stage more often. Every afternoon I think, so I need to go to the store and figure out the price of white beers and the quality of them.

I had bought a child proof electronic lighter the other day and went to use it this morning, but couldn't figure out how to use it and could not get a flame, try as I might. I gave it to the Exfactor this afternoon and he had it figured out in about 7 seconds. Duh! He said that it was okay, because I was smart about other things. I'd like to know what they are.

I went on the scales this morning and I need to loose 9 kilos, but if I keep eating the way I am, I won't loose them, so my gastric band needs to get tightened. I have to call and make an appointment for that. Woe is me.

Well, that will do for now. I've gone from one extreme to the other and the day isn't over yet, so lord only knows what awaits me.

Have a good day, you all. Wish we could all get together.


Sunday, April 19, 2009

A Half Way Decent Sunday.

I decided to take my camera into my own little postage size piece of back garden and shoot some pictures of what is growing there now. To the right you see the winter blooming Jasmine which has gotten quite green over the last two weeks, and over the top of it you see the different leaves of what I assume is a tree, because it is growing rapidly and is as tall as I am now. I have no idea what sort of tree it is and it popped up out of nowhere, but it is welcome here and I must get a closer look at the leaves, so that maybe I can identify it, The Exfactor
took the tree identifying book, but I'll ask him to bring it the next time he is here, so we can figure it out.

Then there is the Prickly Bush which I suspect is a tree also, because it has amazing growing capacities despite having been cut back several times. It just comes back twice as hard. It is pretty to look at and also got here quite on its own, but the branches are covered in thorns and are very hard to handle, so it's best left alone. Beside it, to the right, is also an interloper of unknown origin that needs to be cut back because of the washing line and you can see that I really need that book, for I have no idea what it is. Mother nature just gives me these bounties of her hand.

This is the tall Golden Rain now and it has gotten very green, but in a short time it will get yellow blossoms and it will be a sight to behold. It's absolutely gorgeous. Our neighbor says that it interferes with his tomato growing abilities, but I'm not cutting it down for a few measly tomatoes. He'll have to find a sunnier spot for them. Old people can be such a bother and get their mind set on things. Luckily, they are going to their caravan as soon as the weather allows it and he has a vegetable plot there, where he can putter around to his heart's contend.

This is the littlest tree I've got and it is a mountain ash berry, just like the other three trees I've got.
I may have called them different things in the past, but that's what they really are. It also settled here on its own and has found itself a nice semi sunny spot. I am quite taken by all these interlopers and would not think of digging them out. I'm too happy with them. It's thanks to the birds that they grow here. Beneath this tree, out cat Sofietje is buried. We had to have her put to sleep because of brain damage. It'sa fitting tribute to her and a memory to her lively spirits and the many scars I have on my arms because of her, that she gave me in her excuberance too hang on to me in her last months of life when she was a little bit crazy and had stupors.

It's been a slow day at the Pondorosa. I haven't done anything note worthy or to call special attention to. It is Sunday, after all, and that s never a noteworthy day of the week. It stands out in its dullness and lack of interesting things to report. When I walked the dog this afternoon, I sort of let him take the lead to see where we would end up and we took an aimless stroll through the neighborhood, but he seemed to enjoy it and he produced three bags of substance, but I came prepared.

At one point, my keyboard stopped working, but a little fiddling with the cable put that right, though I did panic there for a moment, because I thought, "Oh my God, no keyboard, what will I do now?" I am especially dependent on my PC during the weekends. I am married to it on the weekends.

I think the weekends last one day too many. Sundays are just that extra day I don't need, except maybe to take many long naps on he sofa, but I haven't even done that today. During the week I have one day on and one day off and that is just perfect for me, but a two day weekend is too long. Unless I had a friend to go hang out on a sidewalk café with and drink a Wieckse Witte or two. I must find me another friend like that.

There's my friend Lucien, but she likes to plan things weeks ahead of time and then very often calls things off at the last minute. So not much spontaneity there. There have got to be better friends than that. I'll do some serious looking around. I'll go friend shopping.

Well, after all that's been said, I think I will go and clean up the kitchen. There are about three days worth of dishes sitting there. It's about time those get done, the fairies aren't going to come by during the night and do them.

Have a terrific what's left of the day. The sun is shining into the living room now and creating warmth in here.


Saturday, April 18, 2009

A Pretty Lazy Saturday.

Is it my imagination, or am I having many lazy days lately? Please tell me that it's my imagination, because I would hate to go through life as a not diligent Dutch housewife. I mean I do do the odd job in the apartment now and then and I do take very good care of myself. That ought to account for something, should it not? I am always well put together, the fact that the Queen can't come over for tea at the spur of the moment should not be held against me.

I am striving to follow in the footsteps of my late sister in law who was not a great housewife, but an immensely interesting woman to hang out with and whom I loved dearly. She was always in the mood for any sort of conversation and no subject was taboo, and she had a good sense of humor too and she was very emancipated. Can you think of a better role model? The fact that she didn't scrub her kitchen sink on a daily basis didn't seem so important. She wasn't married to her house.

Anyway, I sort of wiled away the hours doing many mostly unimportant things, though once in a while something mattered quite by accident. Like spontaneously and unplanned cleaning up the kitchen to the point that the counters were free and clean. And going through my mail and throwing away everything that was unimportant and non threatening. And picking up heaps of dog and cat hair that had bunched up together under the furniture. That will be the bane of me yet.

I took a spontaneous nap on the sofa, because I was suddenly overcome by sleepiness in the middle of the day and fell sleep with the TV on, watching a very interesting program about the Holocaust Museum that was built by the same architect who got the commission to build the memorial at Ground Zero.I can't think of his name now. Just a minute...Daniel Libeskind. It's a shame that I missed most of the program, because it was very good. I find daytime television on the weekends to be very interesting with lots of good documentaries and good interview shows.

When I'm not behind the computer, I find that I turn the TV on for company and quite accidentally watch some good programs that way. I fall asleep with it on during the night, turned down low, and sometimes what's on TV becomes part of my dream.They are mostly reruns of the news, so by osmosis I am very well informed.

I made a short shopping list and with rain threatening, I rode my bike to the super market. Luckily, it wasn't too busy and I was done in no time and even remembered to buy a new electronic lighter, because the other kind of lighters always stop working when they are still half full. How is that for optimism? It's actually quite a rip off when you have to dispose of a disposable lighter that's still half full. I tried matches, but the striking surface on the box isn't what it used to be and is only there for decorative purposes.

Just when I had loaded up my bike and started to ride it out of the parking lot, it started to rain really hard and I thought, "Oh, what the heck, you have short hair, it will be dry in no time," and I pedaled home as quickly as I could, not encountering too much traffic, which was good, because I would not have put on my brakes for anyone.Just as I got home, the rain stopped. It was a joke of Mother Nature, she has a good sense of humor. She is always testing my willingness to brave the elements and to see how hardy I am, to see if I'm made of the right stuff to be called a Dutch woman.

I bough ten liters of milk and I hope they last me a while, but knowing how fast I go through milk, it will be gone in no time. The animals in all their curiosity came to help me unpack the groceries and found out to their disgust that there was nothing special for them, except for an empty shopping bag for Toby to climb in. My shopping bag is from the Socialist Party, so people can see my political preference up front. I never think about it when I go out with it and I guess I do make a statement, but it is really no big deal. It's not an in your face sort of thing. Tolerance reigns.

If I didn't vote socialist, I would vote for the Green party, because their attitude is right and they make humorous commercials that get their point of view across exactly. Unluckily, they don't stand a chance of winning enough votes in an election, although out of principle I am on their side. The socialist party is a very serious contender and should have been in this coalition government, but the Christian Democrats would not govern with them and left them out in the cold, which is not how the people voted.

So, we're stuck with this government of Christian jackasses for now, which is a real shame and gave us an unworthy prime minister who is a man without authority and leadership. An embarrassment to the country. That's not the worst of it. You would not believe the clowns who have started their own political parties and movements and who are being taken every seriously. It scares me! They are getting too much attention from the press.

I never knew I was such a political creature until I came back to the Netherlands and gained the right to vote. I never miss the news now and am always on the look out for the ridiculous and the ostensible stupidity that the system brings with it. I think politicians need to be sat on and watched like hawks, unless you have a person of great integrity whom you intrinsically trust.

In the meanwhile, peace and serenity rule in the apartment. The cats are very quietly moving around doing catlike things, such as investigating nooks and crannies that they know by heart, but are apparently worth having another look at. The Überhund is sound asleep by my feet. He told me earlier that he was hungry, so we fixed that problem. He really tries to tell me what he specifically wants and hopes I guess the right thing by his general stand and bark. We usually figure it out pretty quickly, but I don't know which one of us is the smart one.

I am planning on staying up late and sleeping late in the morning, but you know about good intentions. They do fall by the wayside. All I need to do is put my pajamas on and get on that sofa and I will be sleeping before you know it. I am hoping on some good entertainment from the TV, maybe that will help.

Here are some more photographs from the Exfactor.

Have a very good evening and wish for lots of sunshine for tomorrow.


Friday, April 17, 2009

A rainy Friday.

It was raining so hard this morning, that I was forced to call my sister to ask her to drive me to creative therapy. It was a hard decision to make and I had my druthers about asking her and I even thought that she would refuse to drive me there, but I called anyway and she agreed to take me whilst letting me know that she was very busy, but I just thought, "Don't go shopping where the store is closed," and waited patiently for her to pick me up.

We were there in a jiffy by car and she agreed to pick me up at 12:30, while all the while she was letting me indirectly know what a great inconvenience it was to her, by telling me all the things she had to do today, but I've had a change of attitude and think that I should just let her talk and not let it bother me one bit, because really, what's the big deal?

I had brought two small books with me to start on an altered book, so when I walked in, I said to the creative therapist that I was not going to work with clay anymore and that I was going to do something completely different.

So, together we pulled my attempt at a free form sculpture of it's pin and then I was allowed to drop and pound all the clay back into a rectangle so it would fit into its bag again and this was a lot of fun. You drop it from a great height onto the table surface and listen to it go splat and mesh into a solid form. You do this repeatedly until it is one solid rectangle.

Then something fun happened. A lot of the sculptures that we had worked on were pulled out of the oven and there were three of mine there. That meant that we got the paints and the paint brushes out and went to work on the sculptures.

I painted mine black at first and then with three shades of bronze and one shade of gold gave them a patine color, which is tricky if you've never done it before, but lots of fun once you get the hang of it. I was determined to get them done today, because together they weighed 7 kilos and I would not be able to get them home by bike. One of them was even to fragile for that.

I worked as quickly as I could, while still doing a good job, and got finished just on time. We packed them in a box with plastic bags as cushioning material and off I went to the exit where my sister was just driving up in her car, so the timing was perfect.

The Frog

Sitting Figure

Reclining Figure.

There is another sculpture I made that's not done yet, that's quite big and I hope it's done next week, because I would like to finish it and have them all home. Sort of as a done project that I am finished with. I have proved to myself that I can do this and may do it again in the future, but for now I am finished with it, I think.

When I got home, I moved some things around and gave each sculpture a proper place and hope to God the cats don't knock anything over. Things seem pretty solid, but you never know.

The Exfactor came over with the memory stick and stayed for one cup of coffee and four cookies. He braved the rain to come here, but as a serious motorcycle rider, that ought not to faze him one bit. He was dressed for it. He bragged about the enormous puddles he drove through. They were pretty much the size of ponds or small lakes, not to mention the mud he encountered.

I had to wait for a lull in the rain to go to the tobacco shop to pick up my weekly supply of tobacco, which they keep behind the counter, which makes it all look very clandestine. All we have to do is start nudging and winking a lot and look at the customers very suspiciously.

It rained a little bit when I took out the Überhund, but he didn't mind, as long as it's not a downpour. He isn't smelly yet, so that's good.

The Exfactor gave me some extra photographs, so I'll pick some of those out to add to this post. I'll give you all the entertainment you want. I have these in large format, so if your name is John and you want some of these, just give me a holler.

That's all I've got to tell you for today, folks. It's time to put my pajamas on and watch the news and be ever so cozy on the sofa.

Have a great evening and let's hope for some nice weather tomorrow.