The Most Splendid Day
Monday, August 31, 2009
I'm trying to figure out why I didn't write a post last night. Was I really not interested in writing down anything at all? I can't believe I didn't. I'm usually such a chatty person on my blog. I normally don't let a chance go by without saying something, isn't that true? I always have something to declare and have an opinion on at least one thing. Strange, isn't it?
Well, it goes to show you that even someone who is as rusted solid into her habits as I am, can forget about them completely and do something different without giving it a second thought. As a matter of fact, I didn't have the computer on last night. I turned it off and watched television and went to bed early, although I have to tell you that I hardly remember what I watched. Oh yes, I do. I watched a three hour long interview with a Dutch orchestra director who was not at all an intellectual, but who just happened to be a very gifted violin player.
Actually, I didn't watch the whole three hours and only watched the first two or so, because I was disappointed in the man. I never heard someone who knew so little about music and life, and was so bad in expressing it as he did. I was expecting much more, but he may as well have been a third grade teacher. Not meaning to demean those good people, but you know what I mean, don't you? I was expecting far reaching insights into the music of Mahler, but there was nothing there. I was not enlightened.
So, I went to bed with the novel Sea Glass, which I had also read in the afternoon and I can now tell you that the short stories are about a returning cast of characters that lives within a certain geographic area and it wouldn't surprise if in the end they were to all meet. Two of the characters of the different stories have met already and I'm sure the rest will tumble into each other's arms too. Not that it is a romantic novel. It is a realistic novel about a certain era in not too distant American history, although this was not immediately clear to me. I was a bit confused about what era they all lived in, but it turns out they all live in the same. They just seem so different. Different lives, different circumstances...
Anyway, that was last night and I slept well and woke up early and turned on the computer for a while, because I had enough time for that. The hours flew by, though, and I took a shower and got dressed nicely and carefully, in order to look especially good for no reason at all, and walked the dog in the very pleasant fresh morning air. It's so nice to be out early and to breathe in the almost dew. It wasn't quite there anymore, because the sun had already been up for a while and the temperatures were already rising, but it was still cool enough to wear a jacket. I wore my toe slippers and had really hoped to walk on the dew on the grass, but there was none. There is a myth that dew makes your callouses disappear and that's what I wanted to try.
This morning at creative therapy I spent a lot of time painting my canvas drawing. I painted a second coat on everything and painted some things for the first time and drew one bush with berries in it. That's all the drawing I did. I was being careful about painting and I was trying not to get it in the wrong places or all over myself. Still, I managed to get it on my hands and arms and even some on my top, but just a minuscule amount that will wash out. I have more cat hair on my top than paint. How that happens, I don't know. I think it has to do with static electricity. I am negatively charged, maybe, and the hair zaps to me when I get near it.
When I got home, after testing all my gears on my bike (and the third gear is hard going), I walked the dog and ate lunch and then I finally hung up the laundry to dry and put in a new load. I also put away all the clothes that I had taken out of my closet during the proceeding week. I have a tendency sometimes to not do that right away, but to stack them all on top of the washing machine and wait for inspiration to strike me and hopefully put them away when the timing is just right. Such a moment arrived this afternoon.
So far, I've gotten thirteen books from Bookmooch and I am expecting more. I've sent seven and have to send nine more, but I am staggering those, so it won't cost me an arm and a leg. As soon as I send off the next batch, I'll get more points to mooch more books. When I've finished Sea Glass, I am reading The Secret Scripture. That I determined some time ago and I'm sticking with that decision, You know how I am. Once I make up my mind, I stay with it. I am a creature of my habits and rules. I don't know how I got so strict about some things with myself. It must be because I can be so lazy about other things. There has to be order in my chaos somewhere.
Jesker is very contently sleeping at my feet. He only ate a little bit of his food and was quite upset with me when I put it down, because that's not at all what he wanted, so I misunderstood him. I still don't know what he did want. He sure made a lot of noise. He was barking very loudly, now that he has discovered that he gets his point across very well that way, if not the meaning. The cats will eat the food instead, but that is not the purpose of the exercise and I have to put it away in the refrigerator. Jesker likes cold food. Maybe his taste buds are shot.
Well, I have to go and hang up the sheets outside on the clothing line. There's no rain expected as far as I know, so they will be dry in no time. I have to wash Jesker's blanket and apply some flea drops. It's that time of the month again. He's scratching, so I'm very suspicious. I also have to vacuum the bedroom, but maybe I'll do that tomorrow. As Scarlett said, "Tomorrow is another day..."
Have a good day yourself.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
In Good Faith...
I was watching a very engaging comedian on television last night, but fell asleep on the sofa nevertheless. It was too bad, because this guy was actually making sense and commentating socially and politically, while making very astute jokes that were true and funny at the same time. I drowsed off and became slightly aware of the voice and the laughter in the background. I incorporated the noise into my semi-conscious dreams and became a little addled and thought the Exfactor was standing in the living room talking for a long time and getting no response from me. Thus I would wake up a little bit and become aware of my surroundings and the comedian's monologue and then drift off again. Don't you love it when that happens? You mix the real with the surreal and get the most unusual impressions.
I've just taken Jesker for a walk and it is just a bit chilly outside, but I like it very much. I wore my new jacket and enjoyed myself. We didn't go for a very long walk, just long enough for Jesker to do what was necessary and get a bit of exercise. I'll try for a longer one at noontime. Hopefully it will be as pleasantly cool. It's nice when the wind is just a little bit on the cold side and you feel that on your skin and you feel yourself cooling off. It's wonderful to feel cold inside your warm clothes and to be glad you're inside again.
I'm drinking my second cup of coffee from the "I miss you" mug. It's a good mug to drink from, because it's tall and narrow and the coffee doesn't cool of quickly. It can take two pads and it gives me wonderful strong coffee with a kick. That's the way I like it best.
I do so dislike a bad cup of coffee, especially if you are looking forward to one and the taste is bland and the coffee is see through and not at all black like it should be. That's one thing I disliked about being in the States. It was the fact that you could not get a decent cup of coffee anywhere, as opposed to here, where you can get a good cup of coffee everywhere. I know there is a Starbuck's everywhere you go now, but that's not what I understand to be a good cup of coffee and certainly not at those prices. Just think of all the money people waste on a cup of coffee that can easily be made better at home. Starbuck's is fine when you're on the road, but not a place to voluntarily go when you can make your own cup.
Oh, I know I have outspoken opinions on everything. It's the black and white thinker in me. I don't have enough gray areas. I know that's a pitfall in me and I have to watch that. I have a tendency to judge things harshly and to very easily think I'm right when maybe I'm not. I'm not easily swayed by the opinions of other people once I make up my mind about something. You need to come with very strong arguments to get me to change my mind. Logic works very well. If you can logically explain something to me, I usually will listen and I may even change my opinion. That's why I like the editorial and opinion pages of the newspaper. I do like to read other points of view if they are well laid out. I don't like shouters and emotional reactions. I like things spoken from rationality. Facts not feelings.
That's why it pays to always look around to see if a similar situation you're in, has occurred somewhere else before and how it has resolved itself or how it was resolved. There is so much to learn from other people and other cultures. You will find out, that when you look across the boundaries, many things have already occurred and been resolved in a satisfactory way and don't need to be invented again.
I think here of immigration and the subsequent integration that takes a few generations and the example of which we can so clearly see in the United Sates, which is a nation of immigrants. If we just looked at how it took place there, and I'm sure there are many studies about it, we wouldn't all be so nervous about it and react so overheated, emotions which crooked politicians react to and play with for personal gain and subsequent chaos.
I also think, of course, of more personal problems that turn out to be more universal and to be conditions of mankind or generational problems or specific female issues. Some of your own personal stuff can be resolved by being aware of these things, or finding out about them. It can shed a lot of light. I didn't realize, for example, that women of my generation and older, were very much suppressed still in a male dominated society, and that out of this situation many of our feelings and emotions flowed and shaped us and carried us through life. I hope that's different for the generations of women that follow me. Let me hear a noise if that is true.
When I say male dominated society, I think of such figures as Bush and Rumsfeld and Cheney who, even up until a very short time ago, yielded the sword and who had women warriors at their side and not females who worked from the female model of how we see the world. The female point of view, which these women did not represent. Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher were prime examples of these male dominated society people.
Don't you just love the way I espouse my points of view? It's all so clear in my head that I have no doubts about it, but I realize they are just my opinions and that you don't have to agree with me. You may be less of a friend to me if you don't though, because I do like to see eye to eye with my friends when it comes down to it. In the end I suppose I do look for my peer group, but then again, there are going to be differences of opinions as long as the gaps aren't too wide. I guess we can span a bridge across them.
Jesker is barking at his food, because he doesn't want it, so I have to put it in the refrigerator until later. He wants something, but I don't know what it is. The cats have entered the building and seem to want something too. Maybe they want some milk. You see, I have a heck of a time trying to figure out my animals. They make noise and I interpret it to the best of my ability. They like to drink better from a ceramic bowl than from a plastic bowl, I have figured out that much.
Well, that's it for this morning then. Enjoy your day. I hope it is a pleasant one.
P.S. May all your opinions be bold and well formed and your own.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
How could I?
The most important thing I did today, was take a nap on the sofa and it was quite unplanned, but came about spontaneous after I ate my lunch and felt very full and decided that where I was sitting was actually a very good place to quickly lie down for a bit. That bit turned into almost 3 hours, as I slept as if I had no sleep during the night.
Luckily, I had walked the dog not too long before that and he napped beside me, so what a pair we made. A cat briefly slept on top of me, but then thought better of it and moved someplace else. Probably my ribs were to pointy, though there is some meat and fat on them and I think it's not such a bad place to lie down for a cat. You can't twist about matters like this and certainly not with a cat, it would be different if it were a dog, I would be more peeved and take it personally, but there you have it.
I woke up and wasn't in the least discombobulated. I just had some coffee and then did the dishes, but I didn't sweep the kitchen floor, which I think could be a great failing on my part and almost can't be forgiven, because it's such a little floor. I thought, "Yeah, and then I'll feel compelled to do the living room floor also, and the hallway floor, etc." So, that's why I didn't do it and also because I live here by myself and I decide these things on my own and I don't have to apologize to anyone, least of all the animals that made it so. Hairy and dusty, that is.
So in the end, I'm left without guilt and the laundry still in the washing machine, so I have to hang that up in a minute, but I have walked the dog again, the long way around, and it felt like it was Fall outside. The sun light is already changing in the late afternoon and it gets dark earlier in the evening. The wind is still stormy and the clouds are still racing through the sky. I would wish for it to rain now, but instead the church bells have started ringing again, meaning it is the evening before Sunday and we must become holy. All things must be sanctified.
Jesker is panting very much and can't find a comfortable spot to lie down. It is hot again inside the apartment from the sun shining through the windows, which is highly unpleasant. I am sweating as I sit here and I don't think it's a hot flash. I'm sure I don't have quite as many as that.
I'm amazed at what a solitary human being I've become and I wonder when that happened. When I came back to this country, I moved to a town where I only knew my sister, so that was not a good idea. Next, I only got to know people who were involved in psychiatry for some reason, so my world was very limited. I've hardly made any friends and I find myself holding off the boat, as if I'm scared to get too close to anyone, although I do have two good friends and they are loyal to me and special people.
I think I am a friendly, but stand offish kind of woman. I don't get close easily to anyone. There is always a huge hesitation to come nearer to anyone and I wait for the other person to make the most moves. I know people and am friendly with them, but I don't get closer and if I get intimate with someone, it is with a person who has trouble with that and who will not let me in more than a certain distance.
I'm not someone to get on intimate terms with my neighbors. I do want to keep that from happening. I'd hate to have them over for coffee and have them drop in unexpectedly. I care for my privacy too much for that. I'd like nobody to come in without calling first, but I think that counts for most people, doesn't it? You have to live with them at close quarters and it's no good getting too much involved, except for on a semi-friendly basis and you don't choose your neighbors.
One woman I'm friends with, lives a very sedentary life and can't do anything spontaneous. Everything has to be planned well ahead of time and then just as easily gets canceled. I have to make it a point to pin her down in the future and to not let her escape. She doesn't live so very far away from me and we could meet and have a pleasant time together doing my favorite activity, which is to sit in an outdoor café. Who doesn't like that? I must do that.
I'm sitting here in my tank top and the sun has finally stopped shining on the windows and it is cooling down a bit, thank goodness. You really can have too much sun. There really is such a thing as too much of something. That reminds me that the plants have had too much sun too and that they need watering. I'll easily empty two watering cans on them, but that includes the fig plant. That's what I always call it, but I have no idea if that's what it is. It's for lack of knowing the proper name.
Alright, I'll go do that and hang up the laundry.
Have a good evening and enjoy whatever it is you're going to do with it.
Now, when I need to get the show on the road, I am sitting here with my very nice mug of coffee, being reluctant to get started. You see, there are many hours in the day and only so many chores to do, and I say, "What the heck, let's throw caution to the wind and live a little!"
I need to clean up the kitchen and hang up a load of laundry, but it will all get done in its own good time. There's no need to go rushing off into 12 different directions and tear myself asunder trying to get all things done at once. There is no need for that at all. I feel so perfectly cool about this, that if I were any cooler at all, I would be asleep. Not that I'm in the least bit drowsy. No, not at all, I'm just feeling very relaxed.
I've walked the dog and therefor I am dressed and even wearing shoes, uncomfortable as they are, and I should really just kick them off and go bare foot. I always say to the dog, "Shoes, shoes!" when we are about to go for a walk and he looks around him quickly to see if he can spot any and he gets very excited when I put them on. He is a well trained dog who hasn't eaten yet, but who's sound asleep behind me on the bare floor, where I assume he is comfortable enough. Silly dog!
I slept well last night and even started to perspire, despite the cool temperatures, and I think that's because of my hot flashes that I still seem to suffer from. Every once in a while, but especially at night, I blush all over and get very warm. The hot weather is extremely unkind to me and I sweat like crazy and have to take off as many clothes as is decently possible. Therefor I love it when it's cool outside and I can go out with just a few clothes on and be comfortable. It's only 23 degrees in the apartment and I've been waiting for a long time for it to get that pleasantly cool, relatively speaking.
I've been drinking from my new coffee mug all morning and smiling to myself as I use it. Isn't it great when small things can make you so happy? I very much like how little things hold so much meaning to me. Not the things that cost the most, although I am very happy with some of them also, but the small things that cost a pittance, or nothing at all, and would be hard to replace. All those little things have stories attached to them that I could tell you and you may be interested in hearing them some day when I'm feeling especially nostalgic.
I have finished my boring book and even the ending was boring, but I'm glad it is done. Now I've moved on to Sea Glass by Alice Shreve and I'm reading it quickly. It's a collection of short stories and I don't have to keep track of a plot line and all sorts of characters, although some of them come back in repeating stories. I like the cover of the book and I think it is one that I'll keep and not mooch. Some books have especially nice covers that just appeal to me and very often it is the color used. Certain colors are soothing and pleasant to the eye and make you feel good. No doubt that helps in the sale of them.
Outside it is cool and windy and the clouds are making their hasty way through the sky. It is only 17 degrees Celsius, which is cool for the time of year. I like it, though, and couldn't ask for nicer weather. I find this typical Dutch weather with a typical Dutch sky that you find back on paintings of the Old Masters of the 17th Century. I imagine that people back then laid in the grass and looked at the sky and saw the same familiar clouds as I do now. That's how little things have changed, at least there.
The dog is rolling around on his back, being playful. No doubt he'll want to eat now. He will try and make this clear to me, so I'm waiting for that to happen and to see how he will go about it this time. I also have to eat, so I will bring this to an end, as it was just a short hello to start the morning with. I will be hanging up the laundry after we eat.
Have a really terrific day!
Friday, August 28, 2009
A good Friday!
What an understatement that is, it's gone so well up to now...
I just got back from downtown, where I sat at the outdoor café with Von and drank cappuccino and espresso and watched early autumn leaves drop from the tall trees that shade the square. It's too early in the season, but some of the leaves are changing color and dropping to the ground and the strong wind helped shake them off the lower branches.
In a way, it is a nice sight and not so awful. It makes you feel kind of warm and cozy inside, especially if your sitting there in a warm and cuddly jacket that your friend has just given you out of the blue. It has many buttons and is soft and fuzzy and has a hood, perfect for this coming season. I was very pleasantly surprised and after trying it on, kept it on all afternoon.
We had to do a lot of talking, because we had not seen each other in at least 3 weeks. That's a long time when you're best friends. So we talked up a storm, almost literally, because the wind kept picking up and playing around the square quite strongly. There were rain clouds in the sky, but we did not get rained on.
We walked to a big department store and checked out the creative department for a special pen that Von was looking for and I saw lots of neat stuff. I could have a real field day in there. There is so much to choose from and there are things there I had not even thought of.
We also went to the top floor, because I had to use the toilet, and there we saw some neat mugs with sayings on them, so we bought each other a mug. I bought Von a mug that says, "You are my cup of tea, " and she bought me one that says, "I miss you more than coffee." We exchanged them with a grin and a kiss after we had paid for them. They were wrapped up in tissue paper and a bag. It's so nice to buy someone something they are really going to use.
This morning at creative therapy, I got a big white canvas and a big black felt tip pen and the challenge to make a drawing. Of course, I had been thinking about it all week, so I knew what I was going to draw, but the canvas was much bigger than I expected, so I had to take in the scale of it and draw bigger than I thought I was going to. After I filled half the canvas, I got out some acrylic colors and started to paint, which was a lot of fun and gave me a good idea of what in the world I was doing.
Everything is going to need two coats of paint, which is alright, because I enjoy the painting process. It is a very serene activity. So far I've used burnt sienna and moss green. I'll give those two coats first before I go on with the rest and then Iĺl finish drawing.
While I was painting, it started to rain and it rained hard, which is what we really needed and everything got a good soaking. It was really nice and a little dark outside, so inside it was very cozy and bright. Luckily it stopped by the time I had to go home and walk the dog. Everything was very refreshed, though, and the skies were stormy looking and the wind was blowing hard. My short hair almost got blown off my head. It all blew to one side and when I got home, I had to fix it with wax. Push everything back into place.
The Exfactor stopped by on his way home from the library and had a cup of coffee and we had a minute chat while Jesker tried to get all the attention in all possible ways. We sat at the table and Jesker's too short to look on top of it to see if we have anything good to eat. He just assumes we do. You can imagine the rest. The cats jump on top of the table and make him quite jealous. He wishes he could do that too, but he can hardly stand on his hind legs.
When I went downtown, I had to ride my bike into the wind and it was a little hard sometimes. When I got to the bridge, it was too steep and too windy for me to get up there, so I had to get off my bike and walk it up. I was out of breath when I got to the top, but when I rode it down on the other side, I almost couldn't brake on time for someone on a scooter. All I could yell was, "Sorry!" I hope he heard me. He was probably thinking, "Darn middle aged women on their bikes!" I hope he thought I was middle aged and not old.
Well, now I have to go and walk the dog again. Duty calls me. So does the sunshine and the wind. I like stormy weather and I wouldn't mind some more rain after I get in.
Have a good evening!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
A new haircut...
I just got my hair cut and I suppose it's okay, but it's shorter that it was the last time and I have to get used to it, and to the way it is fixed, and I dare not look into the mirror for fear that I will not like it. I've avoided both the bathroom mirror and the hallway mirror so far and I'm planning on avoiding the closet mirror too for a while longer, anyway, and then I have to decide which one I am going to look in first. Of course, the one that's most flattering, and I think that's the bathroom mirror. I will carefully sneak up on it and take it by surprise and look into it when it least expects it.
I've been feeling a bit anxious all day and in the morning my eczema was acting up quite a bit and I had to scratch a lot. I get that often when I'm nervous. I did nonsense things that didn't do anybody any good at all on the computer and basically wasted my time and at 1 pm I realized that I forgot to take my medicines in the morning, so I took them all then and sat down by the dining table to wait for them to work.
After about half an hour I made a shopping list and went to the supermarket, where I spend a cool 15 minutes inside getting the things I needed. Outside it was warm and humid and it made me sweat something awful. After I had loaded up all my bags, I went to the tobacconist, who's little shop was stifling hot and where I luckily only had to be about 3 minutes before I bicycled home.
When I got there, and hauled my bike inside, the dog barked at me while I unloaded the groceries. I don't know why, it is a new thing he does, as if he is telling me a story about how happy he is to see me home again and what the cats did while I was gone. He didn't want to eat, I tried that, and he went to sleep as soon as I sat down to drink a glass of juice.
I ate some Camembert, but had to stop and save the rest, because it was too much for me to finish. It did taste delicious, though, and then my sister called me and told me, in the course of the conversation, that her least favorite cheeses were Brie and Camembert. Isn't that funny? Those are the ones I like so much. Actually, I like all cheese. I don't think there's one I say no to. Is there? I'll even eat processed cheese on a hamburger, when I still ate those, and macaroni and cheese from a box.
Anyway, I was feeling a bit anxious and I keep having that feeling and I wonder if it is finally from having quit taking the tranquilizers. I've tried to talk myself out of it, but find it impossible to do, as if I'm not quite in control of it, though when I'm really occupied, I don't feel it so much and it is practically gone. I find that I can really focus when I'm behind the computer typing and doing mundane things such as making lists and inventories of my books. Things that require dogged concentration and ability and stick-with-it-ness. I reality I'm a very dull person who likes dull jobs.
I'm supposed to walk the dog one more time, but he's very merrily snoring at my feet and I'm waiting for it to cool off a bit before I go outside. Itś so muggy and it wouldn't surprise me if there were rain coming, but I don't have my little forecast bar anymore. I don't know where it went. It disappeared into the ether. Just like single socks. To the dimension where multiplying clothes hangers come from. You lose some and you receive some.
I have an unending supply (it seems) of plastic clothes hangers on the bottom of my closet and when I try to pull one out, they all grab each other by the neck and become a tangled mess, just like their wire relatives. I don't know how I got to be in possession of so many, but I think they are mating in the dark, and sometimes when the door creaks open, I know it's from the ruckus of the mating hangers. There's no other explanation.
Every once in a while I put up my hands to feel my hair. I know I will love it in the morning when I get up and I won't have to do a thing to it. The hairdresser put wax in it and spray on it that both smell like candy or strawberry jam, whichever you prefer it. It smells very good and she says she never gets tired of it.
There was a woman after me, who had come to get her hair cut, who had washed her own hair at home. Isn't that silly? For me that's part of the treat, having your hair washed by somebody else. The hairdresser does it so gently and thoroughly and the water is always the right temperature, I just love it. She washes all that awful wax and hairspray out that I've put in and on, in an effort to get my hair to stay in place, because it really was too long to fix it properly anymore. And that day sneaks up on you before you know it. One day your hair is fine and the next day it is not and nothing will help it. How lovely it is to go to the hair dresser.
I should be a walking advertisement for cheese and hairdressers and...well, for what else? For the local dog pound where I got Jesker. And for the supermarket and for the tobacconist and for bicycle repairmen. I should have ads put on my bike. Rent A Space!
The church bells are ringing and it is 7:15 pm. I just want to call your attention to it. Why are they ringing at this time on a Thursday?
Okay, that's all I wrote. I have to wake my snoring dog now and walk him.
Have a good evening!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Much ado about little.
It was a day like many other days. There were clouds, but no rain , and there was lots of sunshine. It was warm outside. In the morning, when it was still cool, I wore my leather jacket and took the dog for a walk. We only saw bicyclists and cars and one man walking his dog, which was a little pug. Really an ugly little dog that Jesker showed much interest in. He always shows much interest in little dogs. They are non-threatening to him. There was much sniffing under the tail and satisfied that it was only a male pug, Jesker continued on his way with me close behind. So much excitement early in the morning.
I was early and had a cup of decaf before I left to go to ergo therapy. I don't drink too much coffee anymore, preferring not to artificially stimulate my braincells. One cup before I go is enough. I drink more when I get there. There is no decaf available there. Silly, isn't it? There is tea, however. So, I can have that, with sugar.
I wore a short sleeved cardigan when I rode my bike there. It was so nice out. I wore a gray sun dress and thin gray leggings with my funky lace up boots and felt like a young girl, which was fine, as long as I didn't look in the mirror to shatter my illusion. I have to keep some of them, anyway.
At first there were no interesting people on the sun deck, so I had to make do with who was there, which is no fun sometimes, until better ones came straggling out of the building. That made me happy, because the conversation improved dramatically.
Our therapist came out to see who was all there for ergo therapy and saw that there were only 3 of us, when there should be 7. We don't mind. It gives us more time to talk about our own things, although we're not all equally happy about this. I should say, I don't mind. It gives me more time.
And talk we did. Boy, did we ever. I can't tell you what we talked about, of course, but it was pretty hefty. We all put more than our two cents worth in, especially when a 4th person showed up. United we stood and cheered each other on. Well, we didn't get as rowdy as that, but we do support each other tremendously. We have to when we spill our guts. It's not always an easy thing to do for everybody.
It got hard for me when we got our "art" assignment. I thought we had to all work together on one large piece of paper on the board on the wall and together make something of it. That's what I understood and I immediately got a panic attack and left the room to finish having it in the hallway.
I can not work on one assignment together with a group of people. I absolutely dread it. It is the thing I hate most. To be given that assignment is the worst that can happen to me.
I sat on a bench and hyperventilated until the therapist came out and got me to stop doing that and had me look her straight in the eyes, so she knew we were making contact and that's how she got me to calm down enough to go back into the room.
It turned out we each had to individually work on our own piece of paper, which was easy and I felt a great deal of relief and all my anxiety dropped away from me. Wasn't I making a big deal out of nothing?
When I got home, the Exfactor was already there and he had walked the dog, who lovingly greeted me when I walked in. He said hello in such a sweet way and we hugged. Or rather, I hugged him and he let me very patiently. The dog, that is.
The Exfactor and I had a large talk about the patriarchal society and as usual, he surprised me with his insightful points of view and I have to remember that he is more emancipated in real life than he was in our marriage. To know him as a friend is better than to know him as a husband. People are always better when you stop being related to them so intimately.
I haven't been to the store yet and I made soup with vermicelli for the dog and me. The dog loved it and ate with great taste. I'm not going to the store today, I'm too exhausted. All that spending of emotional energy will take it out of you. Ergo therapy exhausted me. So much input is asked of you and you don't want to waste the time and effort.
Because I'm so tired, I'm going to end this now and stick a photo on the top. The news will be on in a while and I need to make a pack of cigarettes and write an email.
Have a good evening, all of you.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Rained on finally...
I've done several rounds of sets of three chores and I am just about whipped. I still have to do the dishes and wash a load of laundry. The washing on the clothing line got wet in this early morning's rain, so it is drying now and I will dry the next load on the rack in the bathroom, because it looks like there is more rain coming. What a fool I am, the laundry outside will get wet again, unless I get it in very quickly. I will do that. It's just dishtowels and washcloths. I can rip those off the line in three seconds flat. Send those clothespins flying.
It sure cooled off outside. The dog and I were able to make two longer walks already and he wasn't so awfully out of breath, but I do see his limit of comfort and know what his distance is now. The first thing in the morning we can go a little further than the rest of the day. His legs sometimes do tremble after a lot of exercise and I think we don't want to get to that point too much. He will keep going as long as I go, he is that loyal, but I have to make the decision to stop ahead of time, before we have gone too far.
Things smelled very good outside this morning. A lot of trees and bushes are blooming and the combined smells, because of the rain, were heady. It was almost as if I was walking out in the countryside, that's how strong the different perfumes were.
People's gardens are packed with blossoming things and I really payed attention today. I saw some very large spiders that had spun their webs in strategic places and I made sure I didn't walk into one of them, imagining a large spider then crawling over my body and into my hair. I do have a fear of that. I think they'll get stuck in the hairspray which I apply so deliberately. Not for catching spiders, of course!
It seems there are many old fashioned blossoming plants in those gardens. Plants that have been around forever. That you would have seen in cottage gardens and very many smaller trees and taller bushes that would have fit in there as well. The trend is not to pick or cut the dead blooms off the plant, but to let it go to seed. There must be a reason for that, that I'm trying to figure out, but it must be with the plant's natural growing seasons in mind. It must be healthier for the plant to let it go to seed this way.
It does make the walks very enjoyable and I like the part by the older gardens the best, although the new gardens are well established and have tall things growing in them as well.
I had an appointment with my SPN this morning and I have to tell you that the title is too little for her, because she is an out and out therapist, as well qualified as anybody to help the most complicated people, and I know, because I'm one of them. At the same time, it is possible that all SPN's are this well qualified and that the title is just right. I don't want to belittle any SPN.
We had a good, productive appointment and I feel I'm on the right track, analytically speaking. I'm making sense and she's making sense and together we have a clear dialog. We're talking about the same things and each of us understands the other.
This is the third day now that my head is on straight and that I wake up clear minded and even mooded. Any little feeling of panic or fear or discomfort is immediately recognized for what it is and dealt with. It is not allowed to get out of hand or to build up into something bigger. I recognize myself for what I am and who's in charge. It helps a lot.
I'm still not going through withdrawal symptoms from going without the tranquilizers and I don't know if I will now. It's been 6 days since I took the overdose and I assume that all of it is out of my system now and I have had no physical or mental problems like headaches or trembling or breaking out in sweats and having anxiety attacks and all those kinds of things. I may be lucky and get no such symptoms. I am just assuming that I won't and I think that's the best attitude, although I'm prepared in case it happens. I will call my psychiatrist if I do get symptoms and ask him for help, but I hope it won't be necessary.
I just had to make a run for it and get the laundry inside, because it started raining again. It's so lovely, though, and so refreshing, and all the dust is settling down and all that is green is greener and brighter. I like it very much and in a little while, I'm going to take a chair and sit by the open back door and watch it rain.
In California, the kids and I always went for walks in the rain in the rainy seasons and enjoyed getting wet in the relatively warm temperatures. We were so happy when it rained and didn't even have proper rain gear. We just wore whatever and got soaked and our backyard flooded and we waded around in it, until we opened the gate in the fence and all the water flooded past the side of the house into the street. That was quite a spectacle. Never underestimate the thrills of the effects of weather.
Well, I guess I'll go do another set of chores. The last little bit of them for today. Tomorrow I have ergo therapy and the Exfactor is coming over in the afternoon and I have to do the groceries, so it will be a busy day. I can move the seat of my bicycle around with just one hand. I think it needs to be tightened.
Have a very good day!
Monday, August 24, 2009
No need to...
For those of you who are a little scared to come here not knowing what sort of mood you're going to find me in, I can tell you to rest assured, because my mood is the same as it was yesterday, which is almost miraculous and unheard of. If you don't know what my mood was like yesterday, I have to tell you that it was good and that I was very calm and serene and peaceful, being three different words that all mean the same thing, but it looks good to have them there all in a row.
At any rate, I am in a good mood and totally the opposite of what I was last week, which was a wreck, but we all know that. I don't know how one person can have such opposite moods that differ so very much that you would think I was another person but for my outside skin and the name I listen to, but the truth is that both these two extremes are me and I can not reconcile them, so one of them has to go.
You'll remember a book that was very popular in the 80's called "Healing The Child Within." I read it then and sort of understood it, but on the necessary level I didn't connect with the very basic idea, being that you had to heal your actual inner child that still lived inside your psyche now and that lived a large part of your emotional life for you. Intellectually I got it, but emotionally it flew right past me until yesterday. I had an awakening and suddenly the light bulb went on above my head and I understood the whole thing. It was as if a whole new world opened up to me and I got a new vision on an old problem. That's all I'm going to share about it with you for now, because it is a new idea to me and I'm still testing it out, but if you have any knowledge of psychology, you'll get the basic premise.
Anyway, since that light bulb went on, I've had this very serene feeling and I thought it might last a day, like it usually does, but I woke up with it this morning too, so I was pleasantly surprised. I didn't sleep for a very long time. I fell asleep on the sofa, watching a German thriller, and stayed there for the night. I woke up early in the morning and felt completely rested and only had one mug of coffee, which didn't even taste that great, so I switched to juice. I took the dog for a long walk and really wore him out, the poor thing. He can't walk very far and it was already warm outside.
I made cigarettes with my last tobacco and had just enough for a pack. I do have incredible timing when it comes to my tobacco usage. Then I got on my bike and went on my merry way to creative therapy and when it got there, a woman who I had given my dangling earrings to, gave me a bag with necklaces in it. Some of them were really nice and I was happy with them and appreciated it very much. I picked one out and put it on and felt pretty all day. It is quite gaudy and looks perfect on what I'm wearing, which is black and white and gray. I like being a gaudy woman. I suits my style.
At creative therapy I worked on a drawing that everybody seems to like so much. I was drawing it with a fine tip pen and now I am coloring it with inks. I did a very sloppy job with the inks. because my brush wasn't small enough, but it looks alright and I mostly use these drawings to try out new ideas and to test the different colored inks with. Then the therapist had a good idea. She has canvases and she wants me to draw my favorite doodle on a canvas with a black felt tip pen and then color it in with acrylic paints. There is someone there doing cityscapes in this technique and they turn out great, so I am very excited about this idea and I can't wait to start on it on Friday. I didn't even think of this myself.
After creative therapy, I talked to my ergo therapist, who is also the head therapist, and she said that I don't ask for enough help. That I try to do too much on my own and don't use the resources and the people who are at my command. Everybody is just a phone call away. A bike ride away. An email away. Anyway, help is so close and I don't make use of it and struggle on on my own. So I have to learn to call for help before it's too late, way at the beginning when it starts. That means I have to learn to pick up my own signals better, so I will recognize when things start to turn sour.
I'm learning an awful lot these past 2 days, people. More than I can tell you in this post. Little bits of knowledge, and bigger bits, are coming my way and I'm paying attention. I'm paying an awful lot of attention. I think it's good to be off the tranquilizers and I'm not going to blame anyone for prescribing them to me, because I asked for them myself, falling apart as I was. I'm not going up and down with my energy anymore and drinking coffee to keep my spirits up artificially. I hardly drink any coffee at all.
Today I had Mental Health Day. That means I do things that are healthy for my mind and I don't do anything that causes obvious stress. I allow myself at least three days a week like that. Anything I do has to be pleasurable and something I want to do and not something I have to do. It has to be rewarding to me.
Tomorrow is Responsibility Day. That means I Work. I do the things I try to get out of doing. Like clean house and do groceries and pay bills. I try to cheat and add some Pleasurable Hours to these days and I usually manage that because I only have myself to answer to. I have to live with my own disaster. I have at least 2 days that are Responsibility Days.
That leaves the weekend. On Saturday I have to be Responsible and do some Work. Change the bed, do some groceries, do some laundry, sweep the floors, but not all day long. Some time in the afternoon it gets to be Mental Health Day again and I am free from my duties, except for the animals, of course, always.
Sunday isn't any sort of day at all. It doesn't count. It is not a real day. On Sunday you can do whatever you want to do as long as you don't break the Ten Commandments. You can sit and stare out the window all day long if you want and you will not get any sort of penalty at all, because it is a Holy Day! Hurray! Sometimes I do like religion, only for those convenient reasons, though.
And that's all I'm going to write today, because that's enough and I have to go and walk my dog.
Have a great rest of the day, There are some clouds moving in. Could it be rain?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Who do you talk to?
Instead of going to bed and finishing my boring book, I will write the post that I won't be able to write in the morning, because I will be busy waking up and drinking my coffee and petting the dog before I'm off to creative therapy.
Just think of that, creative therapy, as if it is just the most normal thing in the world to go off and be creative in a therapeutic setting. It makes you have expectations, doesn't it? What do you think I will have learned there? Mentally, I mean.
I learned to be comfortable in a group of very diverse people. And to not be so sure of first impressions, but to look deeper than the skin and see the person within and to really listen and look and observe and get to know the other person and find that valuable nugget inside.
I also learned to be sure of myself and to allow myself to do work that I was not at all that comfortable about in front of a group of sometimes very competent people and dare to fail at it and I failed at first, but it didn't matter.
I learned to watch what other people did and to ask questions and to apply what I saw to what I wanted to do myself and make it work and have it turn out right.
I learned to become an observer, or maybe I already was and applied it here, and sometimes silently came to my conclusions about many things and stood corrected many times too.
I learned I was an artist, which I was always supposed to be my whole life, but which fact had become neglected and disused after many years of living a whole different life style. I must never forget that fact now, because it is who I am and already now I feel it slipping away from me and trying to escape like sand through my fingers. It is a good thing that I have sculptures and collages as a testimony to what I am capable of, or I would not believe it myself. I would think it was all in my imagination.
So, I suppose that I learned quite a bit at creative therapy and I don't think I have really mentioned everything here. I've just pulled out a few obvious things from my mind, the stuff that stands out the most. I suppose more than anything, creative therapy builds up your self esteem. I think that would be true for most people who go there and enjoy it. Some people try it and dislike it very much and drop out. That's the system of natural selection at work. Darwin would be pleased, socialism doesn't work here.
In the meantime, I've made a pack of cigarettes and petted the dog extensively. The poor thing doesn't get enough attention. He is so demure that I forget he is there, either that, or he's sleeping right by me and I'm so used to that, that I forget to pet him. Sometimes we need a good hugging session and he doesn't come and ask for it enough. I have to take the initiative and I forget to. Having a dog means you have to pay attention. When he needs some loving, I can't be busy with other things. He comes first, because he is so undemanding.
Do you know I get anxious whenever I hear a motorcycle close by or hear the outside door open and hear heavy footsteps in the entryway? I always have to soothe myself and tell myself not to worry, that nothing bad is going to happen. Now, that says more about me than it does about the men in my life. I always feel that I will be caught out and that I immediately have to cover up. That I'm doing things that are not allowed. Like having my own life. All by myself. Just me.
Well, that's it for tonight. I've said enough. The title doesn't matter. It was just a thought that I didn't want to complete. I'm going to take my medicines and go to bed.
Sleep tight, everyone.
I must be in the eye of the storm that you always hear about on television when they talk about hurricanes. The eye of the storm where absolute calm reigns and not a leaf flutters nor a rain drop splatters down. Absolute and total serenity so silent that you can literally, in your own mind, hear a pin drop. That's how quiet it is in my head and it has been all day and it is a mystery to me. It is so mysterious to me, that I am suspicious of it and I am waiting for the back end of the storm to hit me. Yesterday I had a crazy day and I climbed and descended the "crazy scale." Now, today, out of the blue, I am hit by serenity and I can't figure out why.
I am not joking when I say that it feels like I have taken a bunch of tranquilizers, because I haven't since that overdose. That's 4 days ago and I guess that most of that stuff is out of my system now. Yet I feel sedated as if I'm under the influence of something very calming. My mind feels like it is supposed to feel. At rest and not all worked up. Not all f***ed up.
I haven't done a bloody thing all day, but walked the dog and picked at my toenails, yet somehow the hours have gone by painlessly and now the afternoon is drawing to an end. It's very easy to not do a bloody thing. All you have to do is pour yourself a big glass of juice and park your rear end in a comfortable chair and light a cigarette and let your mind come to a halt. Just live in the absolute moment and don't think about the past or the future, nor about the minute that has gone by or the minute that is about to happen. Just don't think about it. Pretend it all doesn't exist.
When you're done doing that, visit blogs and amuse yourself with other people's ideas and photos and admire their writing skills and photographing techniques. Then make yourself a big mug of coffee and have a good seat and check your legs for varicose veins, which to your great relief you don't have yet and pet the dog and think about nothing important at all. After all, you can't be solving the world's problems all day long every day. Even God has a day of rest.
That's it, of course, I'm just having a day of rest, because it's Sunday. Why didn't I think of that before? Those church bells this morning must have put me in the proper mood. Imagine that! All you have to do is ring some bells and everybody gets serene, just like Pavlov's dogs. Well, they expected to eat, but we get serenity, that's a good deal, isn't it? I suggest more church bells rung regularly. Or men calling from mosque towers, if that's what it takes. I guess that one doesn't work, does it? Oops!
A muezzin. That's what a man calling from a mosque tower is called. I just looked it up and he calls from a minaret. That one is easy, but I'll forget what that man is called. It would help if I heard a Muslim pronounce that word. There are lots of Muslims living in the neighborhood next to mine and their children go to school at the end of my street, so I see the mothers all the time. They also have their little stores in the shopping street nearby and they have their own butcher and baker and vegetable man. You can buy those great big round breads that I've never tasted, but that look so appealing. And the vegetables and fruits are always very good, better than in the supermarket. There's also a Moroccan tea house, where only the men go to drink tea and a kebab place, of course. This all gives the street a special flavor.
Jesker just ate his dinner. When I asked him if he wanted to eat, and I showed him the can, he started to bark very hard. I like that when he does that. It shows that he has some spirit left in him and he makes himself very clear. He didn't use to do that, bark like that when he wanted to eat and make it clear to me. It is something he started to do this year when it became just the two of us and we learned to communicate better. He definitely is a one person dog. He gets too confused when there are two people and they don't draw one line. He gets too addled about who is the top dog.
Well, I've got to walk him now, so I must end this exercise in serenity and peacefulness. It is almost evening and that has its charms too. I will get busy and act like someone who gives a hoot lives here. It's not too late yet.
A New Hobby...
Frances said that I need to keep my promise to myself and start doing artsy things here at home like I said I would. I think that's an excellent idea, except for one small problem and that is that I ran out of money to buy the supplies with. Now I know there is a store real close to me where I can buy art supplies at a real cheap price, so I need to go over there and see what they have that I can use and price the items and add up how much money I need to try and save this month, Ha ha, I have to laugh just a little bit here, because I'm lucky if I make it to the end of the month.
This store is a discount store that sells everything at dump prices and it is always very crowded there and you never know what they have on sale. Some items they always have and I've been told that they always have art supplies. So if I find an unattended wallet in the street, and it has a lot of money in it, the money is mine. I'm so poor, that I can't afford to be honest.
I have just taken my medicines, all except the tranquilizers. I only have about 5 pills left and haven't taken any since my overdose. I had talked to my psychiatrist about quiting the tranquilizers all together and he had said that it would take a year to get off them completely, because I took so many during the day. Now I seem to be able to do without them completely, or it must be that they are still in my system to some degree. Anyway, it will be a gradual build off and one of these days soon, there will be none of that substance left in my body. At least I will be off the tranquilizers then.
I seem to have lost the weather forecast bar and now I can't tell what the temperature is outside and what the weather is going to be like for the next 3 days. I was wrong about today. It isn't going to be cool and rainy at all. That is for tomorrow. Today it is going to be hot again, meaning a minimum amount of clothing. Hurricane Bill is going to weaken as it travels across the Atlantic and reach us as a low pressure system. We won't have the horrible storms that the people on the East Coast and Canada are having. Thank goodness for that.
I must do a little bit of housecleaning today. Yesterday I did two loads of laundry and dried some of it outside on the clothes line. Today I must remember to water the plants, as the fig plant looks especially needy. I also must sweep the floors and mop the kitchen floor where I spilled coffee all over the place. That was when I was quite uncoordinated. That means I have to get the mop out of the closet where the mouse lives and I hope I don't see him or disturb him in any way. I will not scream, but be highly uncomfortable.
All morning long the church bells have been ringing and I'm trying to make some sense of it, but I can't figure it out. They ring a quarter before the hour, but then they also ring at different times, so go figure. I do like the sound of them, but wish I knew more about their predictability. I suppose I need to talk to a real live Catholic, which should not be hard to do around here.
Well, I need to check my bank account balance. Luckily, I have no nasty mail to open, just one bill to pay on line. I will not get a panic attack now anyway, I hope.
Have a good Sunday. The name is very apt today.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Post number 450.
I want to make sure that I'm wide awake and conscious when I write this post, since it is a little bit of an important one. It isn't quite 500, but I won't wait for that one. God only knows what I'll be doing by that time and I may forget altogether. Maybe I won't even be around for it. Ha ha. You've got to have a sense of humor when dealing with the lugubrious. The Swiss Clinic charges thousands of Euros for an assisted suicide and it is apparent that I don't have that kind of money. It's a real money making racket. There's nothing much humane about it. The vet could make a lot of money if he did it as a side business. Just hop on the scale and we'll see how much of this we need for you.
So, you see, the thought has not left my head yet. I've just eliminated one way to do it. In my mind I'm still preoccupied with it and I think of all sorts of possible schemes. I must have at least one way out, because that will make me feel much more secure. It will be my ticket out when all else fails. There is an Association for Voluntary Euthanasia that I can contact. That will be my next move. They send out literature and other helpful hints.
Wait! Stop! I am first going to give my SPN and my psychiatrist and the therapist at the clinic a chance to help me make something meaningful of my life. I am going to give that an honest chance, even though I don't really believe it right now. I will act like I believe it and in the process maybe come to believe it. I do owe them a fair chance, though, and maybe I owe myself a fair chance also.
Wait, I have to see a man about a horse.
Ah, that feels a lot better! I felt I was arguing for the sake of the argument and I had to get rid of some of the tension before I could continue to write like an ordinary human being. I think it is better if I don't discuss life threatening options anymore. As a matter of fact, I apologize for it. They are not very upbeat subjects to talk about and before you know it, I have convinced myself that I ought to do it for the sake of the argument and not for the real reason. So, I vote that we don't talk about it anymore, at least I won't. If you have anything to add, then be my guest.
It's awfully hot and humid here and I'm wearing the least amount of clothes allowable. It's the hottest day of the year, but luckily, tomorrow the temperature is going way down for a day and we may get some rain, but they are always promising that and we hardly ever see any.
Did I tell you that the Exfactor was here again yesterday and walked the dog and did the rest of the groceries? That's two days in a row that he's helped me and he called me this morning to see if I could make it on my own. Yesterday I couldn't, but today I can. I'm not jumping hurdles, but then again, I never do. My sister called me this morning to check on me, because she had a feeling that I was not okay, so I told her the truth and she took it well, better than I would have assumed. She didn't preach at all, but was full of understanding.
I'll be glad when this weekend is over. I'm not in the mood for it. I'm not in the mood for being on my own with my own thoughts. That means I'll blog a lot. You'll see me around.
Early Saturday Morning...
Well, at least I know what day it is again. Yesterday I thought it was Thursday all day long and that I had to go to creative therapy today and I was wondering if I would be in any state to go. Luckily, it is Saturday and all I have to do is clean up the kitchen and do the laundry. Those don't seem like such unsurmountable tasks, do they? I can walk without wobbling and walk upward pretty straight and even type pretty well, without making too many mistakes. I do have a terrible ache in my back and I got that from the couple of hours that I was semi-conscious in bed and tried to get up but couldn't, no matter how hard I tried and I was scared that I would never be able to get up again. I was in a real panic then. So I take paracetamol for that.
Let me all give you some good advice. If you're trying to kill yourself, don't do it with an over dose of tranquilizers. It doesn't work and it can give you lasting brain damage. So, just don't do it. Okay? I was lucky in that I came out of it okay, but it could have gone terribly wrong and I don't mean death by that. I mean long time suffering and I still don't know if I'm really okay, because even now I am still under the influence of the pills.
In th meantime I have started to take all my regular medicines again, but no tranquilizers, of which I have some left. I don't know if and when I will take those again. It may take awhile before it has all left my system. I don't know, I guess time will tell. If need be, I can always take the Tenazepam, which also works good and of which I have enough left.
In the meantime, there's nothing like my morning cups of coffee and my cigarettes. I'm drinking single cups of coffee now instead of those great big double mugs. My coffee got too cold in those before I had time to drink it all, so the smaller cups are perfect. I have to get up more often for a refill, by that's okay, I think I drink less coffee, because I postpone getting up. You could say I'm too lazy to. Besides, whenever I go to the kitchen counter a cat gets in the way, making it hard to do things, because they sometimes knock things over in their exuberance.
Jesker is still sound asleep, but should be getting up any minute now to want to go for his walk. That means I have to get dressed and see if I can actually walk as straight as I think I can.
On Sunday the 16th of August, it was 5 years since my son died. Did this subconsciously bother me? Who knows? The mind is a tricky thing.
Friday, August 21, 2009
I have since talked to my psychiatrist, my SPN and my head therapist of the therapies and of course they all tried to talk me into my self worth and the need for me not to kill myself, as there is a future for me in this world, albeit a sort of limited one, but a future nevertheless. I was reminded of how many people's lives I touch just by being alive and how important that is and that success in life isn't measured by monetary gain or by getting some hot shot job. That I am making a lot of difference in a lot of lives simply by being me.
Well, I have to think about that long and hard and see if there is indeed some truth in it. Part of me believes it, wants to believe it, but can I have a diploma for that please? Some official certificate that authenticates my doing this? People are full of praise for me, but go tell that to the man at social services who doesn't know me from Adam and assumes I will do my 20 hours of volunteer work a week and then eventually work that amount of time.
I know I help people in ergo therapy by asking the right questions and by bringing up the right issues. I guess I am valuable in that. And maybe I am valuable here in this blog world where I lay my life on the line and bare all for you to see. Maybe you learn a lesson from that, who knows? I am trying to see the value off my life and if I really make an impact on the lives of other people. Even if my life is very limited and protected and lived very carefully as it needs to be. Like a well tended plant.
The Swiss clinic that I was talking about only helps people who are terminally ill physically. They don't help people like me and the costs are phenomenal. That's why I took the overdose of tranquilizers, because I was so disappointed and wanted to do it on my own. I thought 370 pills would be enough. I don't very often have that many tranquilizers at home. Nor will I from this point forward. You can bet on that.
I am getting lots of help now that people know that I'm in dire straights. I am not left on my own to figure it out for myself. People know that I'm willing to try this again, albeit in a different way. I'm biding my time, though, I'm giving everybody an equal chance at helping me and me helping myself. I'm struggling for my life and the value of my life. I have to find some redeeming qualities in it.
Well, that's all I have to say for now. It is an explanation of some sort, tough I don't know if you will understand it. It makes perfect sense to me so far. Life is tough when your not equipped for it well enough. There are tougher broads than me out there.
IIt was such a graet fet doeming that i considersd dracstib meaduers, such as cuttung mywrusts, but dd'nt because of the messs if1woudl mrke. and the trama of fiending me like that,
II finiially ended up takinj 340 Tarnafuilzinersars and went laid dwom on bed. I was alseep in No time andon'trmrnrt dithindhunyileirk uo thrnct dat at aniy 9 0ćocl im yj rimrimh.My mobey was so week thet I xcoucm et out of bed oanf otokk mu houd. Then I balled teh ECafcriand ikd jjm zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzi neded helps fmjr esd hrtr in noyimr.
He atraihjtend out he houde amd did sine grvety dhping smfmskrf utr zi as okaay. An d than pronisde to vomrbsck tofsu. I am ahvinh at eruble ime timpinh the si ad I ake the msoy stuoped sitakes in mygemetand ome uo wij word thet din;r eccust.
I wiil vaal ,u jead thetapizt dat ad y ZPN tnoote
I;, not quiet inmu right min yet and can't hink vklearhy and nake any sirt of sense, except tahT istible around the sartment. I wil wtite more cohesiley whenI am soberminded,
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
No news is good news...
I don't really know what I have to report to you in this post. It certainly has been an emotional roller coaster for me today, but in the end it was all for my own good and I can't say that I did not get all sorts of support and attention. I figured some things out today and got my head on a bit straighter and that feels good. Of course, I didn't figure things out on my own. I basically sat and bawled a lot and had other people come up with the answers. Boy, I shed so many tears, I guess I had a lot of them in me that needed to come out. I feel there are a lot more there, but there will be lots of opportunities to get the rest of them out. I feel like that's what I need to do now, is just cry a lot and get all the sadness out of me.
You mean you don't have any sadness in you? I do, about all sorts of things and I've been saving it up and now's the time to let it all out. There's nothing like a good healing crying session, where your tears roll down the tip of your nose and your cheeks and you have to very indecently blow your nose very hard, until you're all puffed up and red eyed and your make up is all gone to hell.
That's what I did during ergo therapy this morning and chance would have it that three other women did the same thing, so it was quite a heavy couple of hours, but we were all better coming out of it than when we went in.
Two things are very clear. I have a terrible fear of failure and I have a terrible fear of the unknown and it all stems from the enormous amount of insecurity about myself that I feel. Ha, you're all going to say that that can't be right, that I can't possibly feel that way about myself, but let me tell you, it is true. It is so true, as a matter of fact, that, rather than face the unknown, I'm contemplating a very elegant way to step out of life and I have already discussed that with my SPN.
Anyway, that's what I found out this morning and I sat and had a very good cry about that, because it was a revelation to me and it was so very true and it was good that I said it out loud for everyone to hear and that I acknowledged it to myself, because half the mystery is solved that way. I know what I'm facing now and what my enemies are.
This was rediscovered and reaffirmed in another way during my visit with my SPN this afternoon and she discovered that my fear of failure and my fear of the unknown is what has sent me wobbling these past few months. That's why I'm so emotionally instable and exhausted all the time. I'm plain worn out from the fear and it is disabling me.
My instable moods have awakened the desire in me to step out of life elegantly. The fact that I have fear of failure and the unknown makes the desire greater, because I don't know if I'll ever get over that. The thought of a dead end life is not very inspiring, but I'm not going to do anything hasty, don't worry. Elegantly is the keyword. With a lot of forethought.
With all of this knowledge in my mind, I sit here very calmly. I am not upset right now. I know there is a lot of sadness in me still, but I know that there will be time enough to let that come out. Somehow it is all meant to be this way.
I'll let everybody else worry about the rest. I'm just going to do my thing the best way I know how and not worry about the future and not worry about the small things. I'll take it as it comes.
Have a very nice day everyone. It's very hot here, too much sunshine. Much too much.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I got up real early this morning and thought I was done sleeping and made myself a cup of coffee and turned on the computer. In a very short time, however, it turned out I wasn't done sleeping at all and I had to hurry back to bed and very comfortably crawl under the duvet and in a few seconds I was sound asleep again. In a deep sleep, as a matter of fact, so that I missed my appointment with my SPN at 9 am. I woke up with a shock at 9:10 and realized I was too late and very quickly called the clinic where I heard that she was looking for me. I got her on the phone and we made a new appointment for tomorrow afternoon at 2 pm.
I think from now on I will make all my appointments for in the afternoons. I have too much of a hard time waking up in the morning many mornings. I even have been known to sleep through the beeping of the alarm clock and it will stop after awhile if you don't react to it. Either that, or I turn it off in my sleep and keep right on sleeping. My son used to be the same way. You could blow a fog horn beside his head and he would still keep on sleeping.
At least I'm properly awake now, there's no doubt about it, and I'm having a nice cup of coffee. Jesker is still asleep in the bedroom and so are the cats.
I'm doing better today, though I have a bit of a mental hangover from yesterday. I can't believe how bad yesterday morning was and I'm surprised at my own reaction and behavior. I thought I was a lot tougher than that and I am shocked that I am not.
What does this mean for me when I have to go make it in the real world? I have instructions now from my psychiatrist on how to deal better with situations like this, but I'm so afraid that reason will leave me and that emotion will take over and that in no time at all I will be a complete mess again, should a similar situation arise in which I am challenged to my limits. It's a horrible feeling to think you are going crazy and I don't know what the consequences are if I don't somehow interfere. I'm always afraid that I'll become psychotic, because I've been on the edge of it several times.
Well, today is a new day and a new start, even though I have that bandage around my arm as a reminder and those bills that need to be paid. Shoot, I'll make it somehow. I am a survivor, after all.
There's a mouse in the kitchen closet. It must be the same mouse that was here last week. I just noticed Gandhi very intently watching the crack beneath the door and when I opened it, something scampered away very quickly. Toby is watching, but doesn't really seem all that interested. For Gandhi the hunt is on, but there are a lot of things in the closet for the mouse to hide behind. I will have to get a trap. There is dried dog food in there and no doubt that's what it's been eating. It must have been getting water from the cat's bowl that is sitting right by the door. The poor thing, living in a closet. Let's hope it's a boy mouse and not a pregnant female.
I suppose that mouse is a survivor too and if it isn't a pregnant female, I should just let it live in the closet, except that it may make forays into the kitchen and I don't want that. I'll have to pay attention for any mouse droppings.
Jesker is awake too now and is making up his mind about what he wants. He's been out back for a piddle and he'll probably want to eat next, but that thought hasn't quite penetrated his skull. He's a little slow when it comes to things like that. He's got a little bit of ADD. My son had that and I know all about how it works and how it does not. God bless the mothers of children with disabilities!
I know a little about Asperger's Syndrome and I think if my son were to have been diagnosed now, he would have gotten that diagnosis. It's a shame that we didn't get the proper help and support back then when we needed it. Everything and every school year was an uphill battle.
Well, I have to bring this to an end, because Jesker has decided that he wants to go for a walk. He was very clear about it. So you all have a very good day and enjoy the good weather and the sunshine, which we have here in abundance.
Monday, August 17, 2009
I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon. Every time I see him, he teaches me something about myself in a parable. He tells it in such a way, that it is completely understandable to me and that makes it really sink in and leaves me wiser when I walk out the door. He is like a wise guru and I am his student and every time I see him, I have to learn a lesson.
It was very fortunate that I had an appointment with him today, because today of all days I needed it very much. I started off my day with a huge panic attack that would not end and I thought it was going to drive me around the bend and I feared for my sanity.
The reason for my panic attack was that I had received two big bills from two different companies that I was in dispute over and I had to make some phone calls about them and I knew I was not going to be treated nicely and that I was not going to have the winning hand, and the more I thought about it, the more precarious my situation seemed to me.
I tried to call my SPN, but could not get a hold of her, and as a matter of fact, she did not call me back until just now, when the whole thing is behind me. I took an extra tranquilizer on top of the ones I normally take, but nothing seemed to be able to calm me down, until I finally sought my refuge in self damage and that worked, and after I had taken care of the wound and dressed it, I was able to make the phone calls with no good results for me. All I got was a stay of execution to try and get the money together.
They are playing an unfair game and I am the victim of it, but they've got me by the balls and are threatening with fines and collection agencies, and I can't prove my right, no matter what I say.
Anyway. What I had was a nervous breakdown and at one point I was crying and the dog was so confused and didn't know what to do. It was all just awful, but now it is all behind me and I have done what I could and I got to discuss my reaction and my behavior with my psychiatrist.
I don't know where I was on the crazy scale. I think way off the top, probably.
I'm not happy discussing this with you, but I feel it must be said. The fact is, I'm just an unhappy camper right now and I guess that's not so strange after today. I have to live with the results of it.
It is so hot in here and I finally got smart enough to open both the kitchen window and the back door and now I've got a decent draft going that's very refreshing. I've got the blinds closed of the living room windows, so the sun won't shine in them so much. It does make me feel cooped up, but it's worth it.
Jesker is eating his evening meal after barking very loudly to let us all know that it was time for it and nobody better touch it. Now he is doing his after dinner exercises, which means rolling on the ground and rubbing his nose on the area carpet. Gandhi is very disappointed, because there were no leftovers. She is laying on the ground like the Queen of Sheba, being very regal and aloof and oh, so untouchable. She knows she's very pretty. Toby is outside in the flowerbed under the winter blooming jasmine. He's decided that's his place to observe things and be king of the mountain off.
I'm the Queen of the dramas and the ever changing moods. Don't throw anything complicated my way, please. I'll make a bet with you that I can't handle it gracefully, though I am supposed to learn. See what a difference there is between me yesterday and today. Tomorrow morning I'm seeing my SPN and I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. The bandage is very hot around my arm and the wound hurts, I think I'll take some paracetamol.
That's all I have to share with you today. A lot of confusion. It's tough being a grown up. I think sometimes I'm not quite ready for it.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Little old me...
I'm on my own again and enjoying it, even though I had a nice time with Joost here, but I do so like my time on my own and being able to sit behind the computer and catch up on all the blogs and leave comments, and also read my emails and answer those. I need my time to be able to do that and I certainly am not anti social enough to do that while I have company. A little bit of both is just enough. Some company to talk to and some computer time to get that out of my system. If I always could combine those two, my life would be perfect, well, near perfect. There's always a hitch somewhere.
Joost and I are perfect company for each other, because we are both low key people and on the quiet side and we both like serenity and predictability and not much excitement, so we always take it real easy when he is here and just enjoy our talks and each other's company and our walks with the dog. We don't need to do anything out of the ordinary to have a nice time. I think he appreciates the fact that I'm so mellow and the same goes for me about him and he helps me do the dishes...
It's also nice to be on my own again, because I do appreciate that also. Apart from the fact that I can sit behind the computer. I do need a certain amount of alone time, when all I have is my own company and I can fill my time how I see fit and I don't have to be attentive to someone else and all I hear is my own voice speak to the animals. I like a certain amount of absolute silence uninterrupted by anything, no music, no television, no radio, nothing, just silence. Well, the occasional snoring of the dog and the pitter patter of the cats that walk by on the linoleum and the sound that they make when they chew their kibbles ever so gently.
Those are little cozy sounds that comfort me and make me feel good and that all is well with the world for right now. Especially on a Sunday evening when everything seems to have come to a temporary pause before it becomes that busy Monday with all its responsibilities and worries.
I don't want to think about Monday yet and absolutely stay in this moment that I have here now. This peacefulness that exists now. The animals that are asleep and the quiet that is all around me. I haven't watched television all day and I have no idea what's going on in the world and for now I will leave it that way. It's better for my peace of mind if I don't know anything right now and concentrate on the very fact that I am sitting here typing this and trying to gather my thoughts while I listen to the dog snore.
It's good to read other people's blogs, because you are exposed to other people's ideas and thoughts or concerns or bits of happiness and it affects your viewpoint on humanity. It also gets you out of your own head and your own somewhat limited view on your little world and into the larger world of a bigger group of people. Each blog triggers something in your head, some sort of response, sometimes big and sometimes little and sometimes it's a memory of things that happened to you a long time ago. Not everything is important. A lot of times it doesn't really matter that much and what you read is just a passing amusement, but some things are big and make you think and stay with you.
I would say that my knowledge of human beings has grown quite a bit since I've started reading blogs. One thing I have realized, is how much alike we all are, and by that I mean especially the women, because I read mostly blogs written by women. We have so many of the same longings and likes and dislikes and emotional lives. That doesn't mean that we're not all unique and very special. We are not interchangeable, but in our cores we meet and recognize each other and it seems to me that we can be a huge support group for one another, because there is a lot of compassion out there, or maybe I'm just lucky and I meet the right people.
Of course, you have a tendency to gravitate toward certain blogs and the people who write them and you start to feel an affinity for them. I shy away from certain blogs, because I don't feel comfortable there. I feel out of place or out of my depth. There's a certain kind of ironic humor that I just can't handle, I'm too serious for that, although I like the occasional slapstick. I'm not sophisticated enough to handle constant wit and sarcasm and self deprecation. I want to waylay it.
What happened to my quiet, peaceful moment? I turned into a ponderous, thoughtful one. All for the sake of one remark. I must watch my words, because one thing leads to another.
Now I must go to bed, unfortunately, and I still have to take out the trash. Mustn't forget that!
Sleep tight, those who are about to go to bed, and those who aren't, have a great rest of the day.
Taking the opportunity...
While my friend Joost is still asleep, I'll try and put some sort of post together. It's funny, but when there is someone else in the apartment, you feel that you don't quite have the freedom to do things the way you normally do them. While Joost is the easiest guest possible and would not be bothered at all by me sitting here behind the computer. I guess it just comes down to what I am comfortable with.
Yesterday I got all the cleaning done in no time at all, with time to spare and visit with the Exfactor who came by to pick up the bill from the vet. He is doing really well, by the way, and I think he is happy, although he dresses differently than he used to, but I suppose that's the new him. Subconsciously, we all have influence on each other and I guess I had influence on the way he dressed. I guess I dress differently too now. He is doing well in his life and I don't think he has any regrets, so that is good. I have no regrets either, so in the end all things worked out well.
I did the grocery shopping in a very busy supermarket, because I did not get there early in the morning like I had initially planned, but they always open many check out stands, so I didn't have to wait in line too long.
When I got home, and had the groceries put away, I laid down on the sofa for just a minute and promptly fell asleep, only to wake up an hour later, because I thought I heard the outside door bell ring, which, of course, turned out to be Joost, who came bearing a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
The first thing we do for a couple of hours, is talk and there is no end to it. We always have so much to tell each other. Then we walked the dog and ate dinner and after dinner I tried to stay awake, but I kept dozing off, and I woke up at 11 pm with the TV turned down low and Joost gone to bed. I guess I wasn't very exciting company. I took my medicines and went straight back to sleep.
I woke up early this morning and read and answered my emails and answered some Bookmooch requests, giving me more points to spend on books. Maggie May had suggested a few books and one of them was available and I asked for that one and now I'm waiting to hear about it. The other one was not available so I put it on my wish list, but I also looked it up at Bol.com to get it later.
I find that books recommended to me by firends are usually good books and well worth reading and it's a good way to add to your list of literature to read. Providing those friends are in any way a bit similar to you in their likes and dislikes.
Well, now I have to end this epistle, because my house guest has awoken and I have to be sociable.
Have a great Sunday, everyone!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
For the sake of a post...
Since today is going to be such a busy day, I decided to get up real early, so I would still have some computer time. I got enough sleep yesterday, because I slept on the sofa in the evening and then went straight to bed and kept right on sleeping. I also took a gigantic nap during the day, which was unplanned, but pleasant nevertheless, but it did screw up my schedule a little bit. I don't really mind too much, because I work well under pressure and am good at getting things done at the last minute, when I can time it down to what I will do in the last hours that remain until I am supposed to be done. It's much more enjoyable that way and a lot more manageable.
I got two more books in the mail yesterday from Bookmooch and another book that I had ordered at Bol.com. So now I have six new books to read and more books are on their way, Three that I have sent have arrived and I am waiting to hear about the rest. I have six new books to send when I have the money. You do have to put yourself on a shipping budget, because you'll become poor sending all those books to different countries. Otherwise, it's great fun and I added more books to my inventory yesterday and got two hits on those. It's really a good way to get rid of decent books that you are never going to read again and get the books that you do want to read and maybe keep forever or trade again.
I've always had a love affair with my books and brought most of them with me from the States, and I thought I couldn't be parted from them, but once I started looking in the bookcase I realized there were many books that I didn't really care about all that much and was never ever going to read again and that I had them only to take up room on the shelves. I had them for their volume and not for their interest to me, and I thought of all the better books I could trade them for that I would be really interested in reading. Like Joyce Carol Oates and Anita Shreve and Barbara Kingsolver and Edna O'Brien, to name a few. You don't want me to name the whole list, do you?
Jesker has woken up from his deep slumber and is doing his morning exercise routine, which involves a lot of stretching and rolling around on his back. It means I will have to walk him shortly and turn off the computer and get the day started. I think I will do the grocery shopping first, because it will be nice and quiet in the store and I'll be done in no time. That means making a list quickly.
I'm all out of dog food so I can't even appease the savage beast, except with a Bonzo bone. He is already eyeballing his bowl and is probably hungry and so am I, but I'm also out of milk. I am drinking my coffee with powdered creamer and that isn't exactly my favorite, but in an emergency, it will do.
Right, good morning to you all and have a terrific day on this splendid Saturday, which here is going to be warm and sunny.