Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Don't spare the wounded.

I've just gotten up for the second time today. I was up earlier this morning and had coffee and answered my emails, but I was way too tired still and went back to bed and had a few more hours of sleep. Now I'm having my second attempt at being awake and hopefully I'll make it this time.

My relationship, if you could even give it that name, with J. has come to an end. I wrote him an email in which I asked for some more things than I was getting now. A date on which I knew he would be by again, longer weekends than just the 24 hours that he came by for, some sort of steady schedule, expressions of love, shared vacations (he was planning his vacation while he was here last), and other tokens of dedication. I got an email back from him saying that he could not give me those things, that he did not want a more steady relationship with me and that he was already having his doubts about the fairness of this one.

I can only say that I feel a great deal of relief and liberation that I don't have to do this "relationship" anymore, because it felt like a lot of emotional work, and when you are in a dysfunctional situation, you start to behave dysfunctionally, which is something I was certainly doing. You try to make your behavior make sense, but somehow it is impossible, which is not that strange, considering that it doesn't make sense and that you should get yourself out of the situation. Thankfully, it didn't take me all that long to figure it out this time. I have stayed in dysfunctional situations longer in the past. Much longer.

I can't blame him for letting me get into the situation I found myself in. He thought he had made himself clear from the start, but I had read something more into it, being a female and having more needs. I thought I could handle what I assumed I was getting into, but my expectations were just a little bit higher than his and they became even higher over this past weekend when I actually fell in love momentarily, although I knew instinctively that I could not allow it. So, I can't say that I have been used, although I do feel that way. But that is because of my own gullibility. I have allowed myself to be used.

And really, he had the time to stay longer this weekend, but he did not, which got my hackles up just a bit, because he was so eager to go home, although he had the rest of the week off. But I was ever so nice and understanding and thought he needed the time on his own. If he was seriously into the "relationship" he would have stayed longer, of course, and we could have done some things "normal" couples do. I was obviously not a priority. You see, underneath it all there is some bitterness.

In the meantime, I've walked the dog and it was dry, although we are supposed to have rain showers today. It is 9C outside, so it isn't too cold at all. If it rains, I should go stand out in it and let it wash all over me and be cleansed by it. Although I doubt I'd have the nerve to stand out there naked as I should. Like a heathen being cleansed by the rain gods.

Well, I guess that's all I have to tell you for now. I've pretty much wasted the afternoon on this subject. Well, not quite, I have some time left to do other things. Like clean up the kitchen. Tomorrow I have to do the groceries on my bike, because my sister is in Italy. I'm so looking forward to that. Not! I also have to go to the post office. It will again be the withdrawal of me from society for a bit. The usual crawling into my hole. Playing peekaboo with the world.

Have a good day!


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Down to earth again...

I slept all morning. Then when I got up, I realized I was not properly awake yet and slept some more on the sofa. Even now I feel like I need to sleep more and I don't have the energy to clean up the kitchen. I did walk the dog in the rain. I was going to wait for it to stop, but then it looked like it was never going to, so I put on my hooded coat and off we went. It didn't rain too badly, just a nonstop drizzle that was enough to get us slightly wet and cold. That's why it was so good to return to the apartment where it was nice and warm. I do hope I get over this sleepiness, though. I feel like Sleeping Beauty and that I could sleep a hundred years. It's probably a result of the excitement of the past few days, as I always react with over-tiredness to any event that's the least bit emotionally draining. I think that in a little while I will go lie down on the sofa again, because I'm yawning something awful.


Well, I did go lie down on the sofa again and slept for a few more hours. When I fell asleep, Gandhi was grooming my hair, which was very pleasant and I thought people should be like chimpanzees and always groom each other. When I woke up, it was time to walk the dog and of course it was still raining. So we walked in the rain again, but now I'm having a nice cup of warm coffee and the dog is having a bone. Gandhi barfed on the area rug, so I still have to clean that up, which is a job I am postponing, but the thought of which is in the back of my head the whole time I am writing this. It's the voice of my conscientiousness speaking. I can't get away from that.

Another thought I can't get away from is the one about the man in my life and me. I don't know how to proceed from this point forward, because I'm confused about my own feelings, which are very ambivalent. When he was here, and we were right in the middle of our passion, everything seemed very clear to me, but now that he's gone, and I have locked up my heart again, it seems that I could very well live my life without him in it and that it would be much less complicated. I don't know if the situation is complicated, or if I'm making it complicated by thinking about it too much.

I don't know, for instance, when I will see him again and when I asked him in an email, I got a very curt answer that he didn't know when. I didn't react to this. I felt as if I had asked for too much and maybe I did put the pressure on too much. My reaction is to fall silent and to not say another thing.

I think for a short 24 hours of passion, maybe it's not worth the hassle I put myself through consequently, but that is purely my problem and not his. I'm the one who makes it so very hard for myself and has problems with this kind of a relationship. Or maybe I would have problems with any kind of a relationship and I'm just not ready for one. Or ever will be. I'm too unhappy afterwards. I see too many ghosts.

I wish I wasn't so darn exhausted. I think the exhaustion is purely emotional. I want to eat and sleep and do nothing else. I'm having a tall glass of juice now to perk me up and it is helping somewhat, though I think I will have another cup of coffee after this. I haven't seen a cup of coffee I didn't like, at least not here in the Netherlands.

I think I will put my pajamas on and pretend it is lounge wear. That along with my bathrobe and my slippers will keep me warm. I'll skip the coffee and get ready to go to bed early. I'll have another glass of juice instead. That seems like a more sensible thing to do.

Have a good night.


Do as I say, not as I do.

I woke up early and couldn't sleep anymore. I felt I had to write another post to offset the one I had written last night that was so bitter and gloomy. Things always look different in the morning, right? So here I am with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes to make a new start and to toss some optimism your way. Today we are seeing the glass half full and not half empty like we did last night.

First we put on some nice music to get in the proper mood, which needs to be mellow,and it is quickly found here. Then we sit up straight in our chair and with our back straight and our feet crossed at the ankles and a perky look on our face we proceed.

You see how I talk about myself as the royal "we," as if things have gone to my head and I have formed an attitude. Maybe people should speak about themselves in that way every so often to give a little boost to their self esteem. It's nice to think of yourself as a multitude instead of just one single person with one little voice that gets outshouted in the masses. I will definitely go through life as a "we" in the apartment today, if not in the outside world. It may be harder to pull off there, although I can secretly think it. Alas, lines at the post office will not suddenly shorten because I stand in it.

When you are a "we," you speak with authority and with a certain disdain for what other lesser mortals think. You feel yourself lifted above the masses and look down with pity and disregard on the rest of manhood. Suddenly you are not one of "them" anymore. You may not even be mortal any longer, but who is going to try and test that theory?

So I (as in "we") have decided that I am more than worthy of any love anyone choses to bestow on me and that I should never doubt the sincerity of it. It is ridiculous to think that I would deserve anything less, being of elevated stature and nature and understanding of the meaning of the word in all its nuances. I know the limits of human ability to apply it and I know also the human ability to rise to the occasion and reach greater heights in it if that is called for.

Therefor I will wait patiently, which I can afford as a royal "we," and wait and see whatever the day choses to bring me to judge my decisions on. I will be as wise as Solomon. I will be patient and mindful and merciful in my judgments and not shout hastily for the death penalty for love. I will weigh each decision on a golden balance. I will be fair.

So, now then, I am taking "us" back to bed to sleep some more and to feel quite cozy under the duvet. I'm sure to be up and about and alert when I need to be.


Another Monday Night.

After not having gotten quite enough sleep this weekend, I just took a large nap on the sofa and caught up on some much needed rest. I slept for over three hours, meaning that I'll just about be wide awake when I should be getting ready to go to bed in an hour or two, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I get there. There are sleeping pills to take, after all, and one extra won't hurt me if it comes to that.

Now, I've been sitting here for fifteen minutes not typing, trying to figure out how to proceed from this point forward. Of course, I want to share all sorts of things with you, but I don't know if I can. For one thing, it won't just be me I'll be talking about and my emotions are so mixed up right now, because I've just said goodbye and that is always hard to do. Saying goodbye makes me a tougher nut to crack, and I know it does, so that colors the picture that I would be about to paint for you.

When I say goodbye to someone, I haul up the drawbridge and man the ramparts and put guards in each lookout tower. Emotionally I do that. That's to guard my feelings from a major overdose of grief. I start that process before the person has even left, but is about to, and I feel myself withdrawing behind my walls as the time to part draws nearer. I want to say many things, but I don't, and suddenly I don't like or love the person as much as I did before. I stop caring about them as much. You understand why, don't you? It's to keep from feeling hurt when they leave me. It's really a shame, because I push away all the lovely feelings I had and don't allow them to rise to the surface.

Then I pretend that I look forward to my time alone and that I will do lots of fun things when I am. Which is a load of bull, because I always fall into a little black hole after they've gone. I climb back out of it as quickly as I can, but I fall into it nevertheless. I then wait for a signal of love to come to me from the other person. It has to be an overt signal of love. It can't just be a sign of life. It has to have significant meaning or else my heart will harden and I will tighten up the chains to the drawbridge and put locks on them. Only when a significant signal has been received, do I let down my guard and allow myself to feel those lovely thoughts again. And then the process of love and anticipation can start all over again.

How's that? That's some explanation, isn't it? My heart has hardened right now and I'm ready to put those locks on, proving that I'm still the mistress of my own castle. I still have my life to live and my own value as a human being. I will do as I see fit and nothing else until I have been satisfied that I can trust my own instincts again.

Despite the late hour, I'm going to have one more cup of coffee, because I'm just a wee bit sleepy, but I am looking forward to going to bed and reading my book. Being alone isn't all bad. You do get to sleep in your own bed, for one thing. And your dog doesn't jealously watch you cuddle on the sofa.


Monday, December 28, 2009

Languidly sitting in my chair.

I've got some sleeping left to do, but I'll do that later when I'm more in the mood for it. I woke up a while ago in my tiny bed, sleeping next to a certain person, and it was very warm and comfortable, but a little cramped. So I got up, ready to continue sleeping on the sofa, but I got waylaid by the computer and the Senseo machine and I thought I would just sit down in the quiet of the early morning and try to write a post, but I've got a problem.

How do you tell what an absolutely splendid and lovely time you're having without giving the other person's secrets away? Just speak for myself?

I'm having an absolutely splendid and lovely time and it is ever so much better and lovelier than the first time and so very much more intimate and affectionate. Speaking for myself, I can say this is love in all the best senses of the word. And I'm not worried, because I'm not hopelessly in love like a foolish teenager, but I love deeply like a grown up woman with all the knowledge I have of the object of my love to go with it. All the years that I've known him enter into it to make it a complete picture. And that's what makes it so enjoyable and satisfying. I feel there are no enigmas, no puzzles to solve. What I see, is what I get and it's familiar.

He brought me a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses and After Eight chocolate mints, which are my favorites and which I have been eating all night and this morning. I think they're all gone now. I happen to be very fond of yellow roses, so he guessed that right, but then he always brings me flowers and they are always pretty. You see, I'm not the least bit prejudiced concerning his tastes. I think they are fine. I even like the way he dresses and his aftershave and his body lotion. No, I'm not the least bit prejudiced.

Right, I'm supposed to talk about other things too now. I'll tell you that it's 3C outside and cloudy and that it's going to be cloudy all day, but we're not expecting any rain, according to my weather forecast on the computer. I have to go to the tobacco shop today and to the post office, I think that will be a good outing for Joost and me. We can walk there and get some fresh air. Last night, when we walked the dog, it was drizzling and there was a cold wind blowing and it was just miserable to be outside. I had half planned to take the bus downtown, but it really was not the night for it. Even with the overhead heating it would have been no fun to sit on a café terrace. We need a better night for that. So, we'll save that for the next time.

It's fun to make plans for what we will do the next time, beside the obvious things. It will be nice when the weather gets better and we can be outside more. That's another good reason to look forward to springtime, which I'm already doing now that we have the winter solstice behind us and it has been the shortest day already. It can only move upward from here. Of course, we have those dark and cold January and February months to get through, but they will go by in a snap and once those are behind us, the rest will be easy. I'm totally discounting March and April here, you see, as I think they are just preludes and parts of springtime. Always try to see the glass half full.

At least it's nice and warm in here. I've got my feet by the radiator and they are toasty warm. The dog is lying next to me, because that is where he belongs. That's what he thinks, anyway, and I agree with him.

We had Dutch pancakes for dinner last night. They are like crepes, only I had not made them myself this time. I promised to do so the next time and to make them with buttermilk, because those are the best. I was able to eat one pancake myself, which surprised me and it was very good, not as good as when I make them, but good enough. I have to find some real maple syrup, because the pancake syrup that they have here is too sweet to my liking. There's nothing like real maple syrup, after all.

My hair is very fashionably sticking up straight in all directions. Luckily, it looks like it's supposed to be that way. A little bit of wax will tame it and get it to go in the right direction. The right side sticks up funnier than the left, that's the side I sleep on, the right side, I mean. Sometimes you see people walk around with that "just slept on look" when they haven't quite combed their hair good enough and it has taken on the shape of their pillow. You can tell if they sleep on their back or on their side. They look good from the front, but when you walk around them, it's another matter. I'm sure I look this way myself sometimes. Yes, I notice things like that, don't you?

I feel like a well loved woman and I like the feeling very much. It makes me feel mellow and warm and very pleasant. I can recommend it to anybody. Let yourself be cuddled and treated well, it opens you up and makes you feel like a whole new woman. It ought to be a special treat for everybody, to be loved by their best friend. There's no better person in the world for it. I hope you're either married to that person, or that you have somebody in your life like it. But then again, maybe I am very lucky and this is a unique situation. Maybe it's because of who he is that it's possible. I'm sure that's a very large part of it.

Well, I could go on and on with all sorts of sentimental drivel, but I'm sure you're not waiting for that. I just took my medicines and I'll check my emails and read some blogs, which I think I'm a little behind in. I'll probably have to go back to sleep for a while. It doesn't matter. The day is my oyster. I'll take it as it comes.


Sunday, December 27, 2009

At the Ponderosa.

It's another good morning at the Ponderosa. I've got my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and my trusty four footer lying beside me, so what more could I ask for? A little bit of warmth, I think. I will turn up the heater just a little bit, because it's just a bit chilly in here. It's only 3C outside and I admit, it has been colder, but today I have cold bones in my body. It's so nice to put my feet against the warm radiator. Ah, if you wait a while, it gets warmer in here and you notice the difference immediately. I already am starting to feel more comfortable.

It's still dark outside, but it won't be much longer and I'll have to take the dog for a walk. The outside world is not calling me at all and I'd rather stay in here nice and warm, but the poor dog must be aired. He is so dependent on me and my goodwill. Right now he's sound asleep, though, curled up in a ball, as far as his old bones allow it.

I fell asleep quickly last night and am slowly making headway in my book. I try to read as many pages as I can before I go to sleep, but eventually sleep wins and my book drops on the covers and I sleep with my reading glasses on my nose. I'm reading "The Last Girls" by Lee Smith right now and the next book I'll be reading is "Half Broke Horses" by Jeannette Walls. Both of these books were gifts from blog friends and receiving books is one of my greatest pleasures. Receiving things that smell good is another one.

Oh, my dog is telling me it's time to go out, so of we go...

It's cold outside. It's that damp cold, you know? The kind that goes through your whole body and makes you shiver and glad you walk into your warm apartment again. I turned up the heater by half a degree, but it's making a lot of difference. The radiators stay hot longer and it is really warmer in here. I've got the thermometer set at 20C, so that's not that outrageous, and it does make a difference in the comfort zone.

I'm wearing my boots now, which reminds me that I have to go out and buy several pairs of thick socks, because all I have left are thin summer socks. Unless I set out on an expedition in my underwear drawer and see if I can find some other socks in there. Why do socks have this tendency to disappear, and I don't mean single socks, but whole pairs? Do they run away from home, are they abducted? It's a mystery to me. I know I had three pairs of thick socks and now I only seem to have one pair. There must be a solution to this problem. My underwear drawer is not that big and deep. It's not like things get lost in a bottomless pit there.

I must do some last minute chores. I have to put the dishes away and check the whole apartment for spider rag, because I didn't do that yesterday. I still have to clean the refrigerator and change the bed and put laundry in the washing machine. I have to check all the corners of the living room and under the furniture for drifts of dog hair that appear overnight. Most importantly, I must take a nap. I'll do that on the sofa where it is nice and warm. Every morning after I've taken my medicines, I must take a nap. It's the way it is. I'm almost asleep as I sit here.

Okay, I'm off to do what I have to do. I must hang in there just a little while longer, although it's tempting to sleep now.

Have a good day, don't let yourself get caught up in the details of life. Not like I am, anyway.


Saturday, December 26, 2009

All done with that!

I've managed to do every chore that I had left undone so far, except for changing the bed and that will have to wait until tomorrow. There were actually more things to do than I thought there were initially. I looked up in the bathroom and discovered spider rag. I don't understand why I always have so much spider rag in this apartment. There must be numerous spiders hanging out here, but I don't see that many of them. They must be hiding in all the nooks and crannies. Maybe I just need to look up more often and I'll see them. I have a special spider rag brush on a stick to remove them, but I'd rather do it with the vacuum cleaner. The more you walk around looking for them, the more of them you spot and it becomes like a sport: spider rag spotting. I could probably make a weekly hobby out of it.

I've walked the dog twice now and I have still forgotten to mail those Christmas cards that are laying right on the dining table so I won't forget them. Three times is a charm. I hope the dog needs to go out again soon and that I'll remember them.

I keep thinking there are things I need to do that I have forgotten and I will walk around the apartment shortly and check everything to make sure all is really done. Well, the windows aren't washed, but I was not planning on doing those. Oh, I know what I forgot to do. I wanted to wipe clean the inside of the refrigerator. That will be a job I can do tonight or tomorrow morning, I'll have to see which way the wind blows. Of course. I'll probably want to go back to bed tomorrow morning, so I may not want to postpone it. It's 5 minutes worth of work. It just seems like a hassle, because you have to move everything out of the way. I can spritz it clean in no time, though. Housework is not ever really done, is it? If you really want it clean, you never, ever finish. It's one way to give meaning to your life.

I hear all sorts of noises coming from the junk room. I think there's a cat there getting into all sorts of things. Boxes and such. They regularly try to rearrange everything on the bookshelves. I'm subconsciously always waiting to hear a crash and sometimes I do. I'm always afraid to go find out what it is they've managed to throw on the floor. I always hope it's nothing delicate, but they are all the Exfactor's things and I don't know what is in half of those boxes, except for the model airplanes and I think those have already taken a beating. He must come and get those things if they are valuable, however. I can't guarantee their safety.

The dog is looking at me with mournful eyes. He doesn't want to go out, but he wants to be petted and have a bone. So I've petted him and given him a bone. I hope that makes him happy for now. The cat has exited the junk room and all is safe there once again, so I can breathe a sigh of relief. I can't close the door there, because that's where the cat door to go outside is.

I still can't figure out why I could not screw in that light bulb the other day. It was an energy saving light bulb and it had a normal fitting just like any other light bulb, but I couldn't get it to go in. I'm going to try it again in a while, although I managed to get another light bulb in there, but I'm not sure if that's an energy saving one. I was so confused that day. It bothers me to no end if I can't do something that ought not to be impossible. When logic tells you it should just happen. So I'm going to mess around with that light bulb until it fits, without actually electrocuting myself.

Oh, and see, I've survived Second Christmas Day without any problems. That's because I acted like it was no holiday at all. Of course, the stores were closed, but I had no need to go there, and there was no mail delivery, but that means no bills either, although it would have been nice to receive some Christmas cards. I'll expect all of them on Monday then.

Actually, for as little as I've done, the holidays haven't been bad so far. They weren't the gloomy days I was expecting them to be. It had to do with the weather too. It would have been worse if there had been a lot of snow, but today we had sunshine all day long and relatively mild temperatures. Yesterday we had rain showers, but I don't mind the rain if I don't have to go out in it, and it got rid of the slippery, slushy snow, except for one big snowball that was supposed to have been part of a snowman that never got completed and took a long time to melt. The dog peed on it every time we passed it.

Speaking of dogs, he is sound asleep and seems to have settled in for the evening. He is very busy snoring. Doubtlessly he will want to go out one more time, but maybe later. I'm going to get something to eat and check my emails. There seems to be quite a bit of Bookmooch activity.

I hope you all have a nice evening and if it's not evening yet, I hope you have a nice day. Did any of you brave the stores yet? Ours don't open until Monday.


Second Christmas Day.

It's officially another holiday, but I'm not going to let that bother me and finish up with the chores I have to do. But that's for later. Right now I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee and cigarettes slowly letting the day come to a start, not sure if I am willing and able to. It's always a question if I want to get the show on the road this early in the morning or if I want to go back to bed and sleep some more. I think sleeping some more will win out in the end. I feel in my bones that there are several hours of it left in me. So, I will eat breakfast shortly and climb back into bed. The dog will have to do with a piddle out back, because I'm not getting dressed yet. I mustn't even think about being outside yet, where it is a chilly 2C and even though it isn't freezing, that's quite cold enough for me.

I have slept well, and with the exception of having to get up once, I slept through the night and I went to bed on time too. These mini expeditions to the bathroom take place in a half awake situation and I barely open my eyes. I don't even know if I turn on all the lights to get there and I'm sound asleep again before I'm even under the covers again. I always have my little reading light on and when I go back to bed, I turn it off and the only light in the room is from the lighted branches in the vase on my bookshelf. The ones I've decorated for Christmas. This makes it quite cozy in the room and I like to fall asleep in the dim light of it.

I could have gotten a little Christmas tree to put on the dresser in the living room. I had the decorations and the lights for it, but then I thought about it drying out and the needles falling on the ground and I just thought, "No, I don't want to deal with that aggravation." I'm really not that into Christmas that very much, although I've enjoyed receiving the cards. I don't believe in the biblical story, so I don't celebrate it for that reason, but I appreciate the fact that in the middle of winter people want to have a festival of lights and good foods. It's just too bad that it gets so commercialized, although it's not as bad here, because we don't as a rule give gifts at this time of the year. Still, there's a mad rush of shopping to get all thess enormous amounts of food in the house. And drinks not to forget. Yet, I must not begrudge people their happiness at wanting to celebrate in style in the middle of these dreary days and make something special out of it.

In the meantime, I'm stuck with about 12 Christmas stamps that I hope to be able to use on my regular mail after Christmas, although they are less in value. I'm sure the post office will allow it, because they must realize that you have to use them up. They sell them in sheets of 20 stamps and there was no way I was going to use all of them. Unless I suddenly get more cards from people I have forgotten. Most of my cards went outside the country. It shows you that I know more foreigners than I do Dutch people, at least those I exchange Christmas cards with. I wrote two more cards yesterday and those I will stick in the mailbox today, although they will get at their point of arrival too late. It's the thought that counts.

Now I must go back to bed, because I'm getting sleepy again. I will be so nice to get under the duvet again and to sleep some more. It will be just what the doctor ordered.

I hope you all have a good day. It's Boxing day in England, isn't it? Isn't that when everybody goes to the stores to exchange their presents? The same should be happening in the States.


Friday, December 25, 2009

First Christmas Day.

In the Netherlands we celebrate two Christmas days on the 25th and the 26th, so today is the first Christmas day. We don't as a rule exchange presents, but do start off the day eating good things with our cups of coffee and I just had a double chocolate chocolaty cake with peach filling at my sister's with my café latte. It was almost like eating pure chocolate, it was so good, and I could have had all I wanted, but unfortunately one piece was all I could handle and it was on the small side too. My sister would have liked to invite me for dinner as well, but since I can't eat anything she's going to serve, that's an exercise in futility and frustration, so we don't even consider that. It's very disappointing when you can never have dinner at someone else's house, but that's the price I pay for the gastric band.

We reminisced and talked about our childhood and about our mutual marriages and about our children and about what we have in common and how we function as human beings. We come from the same nest and have the same kind of oddities and the same kind of unique attitudes. We are more similar than we are different and that became apparent today as we shared some of our deeper thoughts about ourselves and how we deal with relationships and problems we run into as a whole. We are not so far removed from the core as we think we are. Our childhood very much influenced who we turned out as people and left a big impression on our personalities and we struggle with it regularly. Why this subject came about today of all days is a mystery, but sometimes we find ourselves in these conversations.

Last night, after I finished writing my post, I made lists of all the books I have mooched and that didn't take all that long. Then I arranged the rest of the books by color and I was done with everything within an hour. I need some bookends, because not all the cubicles are filled up, but I don't know if I have any of those. The Exfactor may have some that he may let me have. I'll have to ask him. I need some very simple metal ones, the kind they use in the library. I have one or two of them, but I need about three more. I should have grabbed what I could when I had the chance. I was not greedy enough.

Anyway, the bookcase looks great and I have two cubicles that can be filled with more mooched books. Some cubicles are tightly packed and not a pin can be pushed in between. That's what happens when you try to get all the same colors together.


I've just slept two hours on the sofa. I was falling asleep behind the computer, practically nodding off. I think I need a cup of coffee and a strong one too. Tsk, tsk, nodding off while I'm writing a post, it's terrible. I hope I'm not that sleep inducing when you read it.

I've made myself a cup of strong coffee and now I can join the living again. The first thing I had to do was feed the dog, who then refused to eat because I was not right there beside him while he ate. So I stayed by him while he ate what was in his bowl. Silly dog. The cats weren't pleased, because that didn't leave anything for them to eat, beside their own kibbles. It's hard to please everybody and I don't even start trying.

So, I've wasted First Christmas Day doing absolutely nothing noteworthy, which is as it should be. Tomorrow is another day and I will finish my chores then, although officially it's a holiday. I don't care, though. You can have too many holidays in a row too and I need to vacuum my bedroom. There are dog hairs there that need removing and the bathroom floor needs to be mopped. I'm a great one for doing chores, aren't I? I talk about them more than I spend time doing them.

Does your dog scratch the rug too in order to make a good place to lie down? My dog is always doing that, as if he digging himself a hollow to lie down in. Apparently he thinks it works, because he keeps doing it.

I have to go walk him now and thank goodness it has stopped raining, because it was doing that nonstop too earlier. It's a balmy 4C outside. Nowadays you're thankful for any degrees above zero Celsius. All the rain has made the last of the slippery snow disappear, so that's good. No chance of breaking your neck anymore. Watch, these were my famous last words as I found the last patch of icy snow.

I hope you're all having a good time celebrating this holiday. Amazingly enough, it doesn't bother me that I'm spending most of it on my own. It is fine, as I have the animals and I did see my sister and I will see Joost on Sunday. But it really isn't a bad time to spend by myself and I can always watch the horrible Christmas shows on television.


Thursday, December 24, 2009

Strong Coffee...

I fell asleep on the on the sofa at 4:30 pm and woke up two hours later having had a very nice nap. It didn't take much to fall sleep. All I had to do was lie down and close my eyes and I was gone. I remember having to share the pillow with Toby and when I woke up he was still there. It was a wonderful nap, very restorative and one that I absolutely needed, but then again, I need all my naps. There is never a nap that I take that is not a very much needed nap. I always feel that if I don't go lie down right then, I will topple over on the spot and fall on my head and get a concussion. Such is my great need to go lie down and forget everything else. That's why I didn't quite get my chores done today, almost, but not quite.

I did get the kitchen floor squeaky clean with the scrub sponge and some elbow grease and all that nasty evidence of food spillage by the animals is gone. I also mopped the hallway where my bicycle had dripped a huge amount of mud onto the linoleum from the dirty snow outside. I scrubbed the kitchen counter that never seems to get clean enough and always had various stains on it, because it is made of steel with a pattern in it and I dislike it very much. It's a pain to clean and must have been invented by a man who never cleaned kitchen counters. I'm sure of it. I took a break after each job, because my back is bothering me, but other than that there was no problem. It's just the same old spot that always bothers me, right in the middle of my back. It's my weak spot.

I've decided to feed the cats on the kitchen counter from now on, because they spill their kibbles so much and I'm always having to sweep up the spillage out from underneath the kitchen radiator and it is too much work. If I feed them on the counter it will be easier to clean up after them and the dog will not be tempted to eat their food, while he ignores his own kibbles. I don't know why it took me so long to think of this, but there you have it. They sit on the counter half of their lives anyway, so I may as well feed them there too.

For a treat I had a tall glass of fruit juice and peanut butter eaten straight from the jar with a little teaspoon. It was great. It is one of my favorite treats and I like it as much as eating chocolates. I can't eat too much of it, because I do get full quickly, but I savor it while it lasts. Now, I could eat many more chocolates than I could eat peanut butter, but I won't buy the chocolates, because I will eat one box in one sitting and make myself sick eating them. I adore chocolates with a creamy filling. I like real bonbons the best. Chocolates melt in your stomach really well, so I can eat a lot of them without getting full too fast.

Now I'm having my last cup of coffee. I didn't realize what time it was. I'm staying up past my bedtime, but that's okay, I don't have to be at my sister's house until 11 am tomorrow. If I'm smart, I'll sleep late so I won't feel like I have to take a nap while I'm there. That would be highly embarrassing. Imagine having to fall asleep while you're visiting someone. "Excuse me, but I have to go home now to sleep, or let me lie down on your nice sofa here." I can see my sister's face now.

I got another mooched book in the mail today. So far, I've mooched 70 books and I'm waiting for 10 more. I've given away 27 books and just sent 10 and have to send 14 more. So, I'm not doing too badly. I'm starting to run out of room on my bookcase and will have to do a bunch of rearranging. I'm trying to keep all the unread books together, but I may not be able to. They may disappear in the collection. That won't be such a horrible thing, as long as I don't forget about them.

You all know that I have my books arranged by color. That is, all but the mooched books. They are separate. There's a huge temptation to add them to the color arranged books, but I'm afraid of losing track of them and forgetting what I already have. I suppose I could make a list of books that I've mooched. That would be one solution. Actually, that is not such a bad idea, now that I think of it. It would solve that problem quickly, because now I always have to get up and walk to the bookcase and check. Mmm... this sheds a whole new light on my arrangement of the books. I will have to think about that. This may be a little Eureka moment. Watch me rearrange my books now at this hour of the night when I'm at my most brilliant.

It's 2C outside so it is definitely not freezing anymore and tomorrow it's going to be 5C and raining. That's not the weather that was forecast some time ago when they were talking about a white Christmas, but maybe that is for the best, because otherwise there would be traffic jambs. Now, when it is 5C outside, it feels positively warm. There are still icy patches of snow in the places where the sun never shines, but most of it is gone, thank goodness, because it was making a mess.

Alright, I'm wishing you all a merry Christmas and lots of good cheer and lots of good food to eat in good company. Even if that means just the two or one of you with your animal(s).

I've got a job to do!


Christmas Eve

I slept well last night, about 9 hours, which is not bad when you consider I went to bed early too. I was in bed by 9:30 pm and asleep a short time after that. When I got up this morning, I was not quite done sleeping, but I had to get up on time and be functioning, because my sister and I were going grocery shopping early to avoid the crowds. Well, the whole neighborhood must have had the same idea, because there was already a crowd when we got there. So, we got our trolleys and split up and did our shopping and met again at the cash registers. I thought I had spent too much money, but the total wasn't as bad as I had anticipated, which was a relief. I had bought some extras because of the holidays, because you do have to get into the swing of things a little bit and I had to buy food for Joost, who is going to be here the day after Christmas. He does have a healthy appetite.

After I got home and had unloaded everything, and had eaten breakfast, I went back to bed and slept for another two hours, because I just couldn't wait to do that and while I was waiting for my sister to come and pick me up earlier, I had almost fallen asleep on the sofa. I think it's because I'm back on my old dose of antipsychotics again, but I'd rather be sleepy than paranoid and, let's face it, that's what I was yesterday. As a matter of fact, I just had to call for a new recipe for them, because I didn't realize I was almost out of them and I got my psychiatrist on the line and I told him I was taking three tablets and he didn't complain about it or protest. He's leaving it up to me, which I think is pretty decent of him. I do have to learn my own lessons, after all, and not climb in the phone to him every time something is wrong.

So, today I have to finish cleaning the apartment. I have to get on my knees and scrub the kitchen floor, especially the area where the animals always eat. It's pretty messy there. You can tell it has not been cleaned for awhile. I've got a great scrub sponge, though, that works wonders. It and a little elbow grease will take care of it. Plus lots of sudsy warm water, of course. I'm a great believer in that and it feels good to put your hands in.

I also have to walk the dog again and I hope he forgets it for just a while, because I'm not quite ready yet. I'd like one more cup of coffee before I really get started. I so need that. And I would like to drink a tall glass of juice, because I'm very thirsty, so I suppose I'll have that first.

I just noticed that a cat barfed under the coffee table, so that will be my first clean up job. Oh, aren't I lucky? Fortunately, I have lots of paper towels.

I am most definitely not in the same mood I was in yesterday and I can only assume it is because of the medication and it seems to me that I have tried to do with less before and that it didn't work out then either. I said at the time, that I would never decrease the amount again, but for some reason I had forgotten that or I thought it was necessary. I must remember not to do this, but to stick to this dose no matter what. Even if it does make me sleepy and a bit flat emotionally. It is preferable to how I felt yesterday, which was just awful and not at all the way I would want to go through life. I seemed to have forgotten my common sense and my optimism and I could only see the dark side of things and be suspicious of everything and everybody. What sort of an attitude is that?

Well, I must end this now. All sorts of duties call me. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat getting ready to do them.

Have a good day!


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Whichever way the wind blows.

It should have been a day like any other, but it wasn't. I didn't start the day out right, in that I did not feel good when I got up. I did not feel my normal cheerful self and after I walked the dog and ate my breakfast, I went to bed and slept a few more hours, thereby missing my appointment with my psychiatrist, which was not good, of course. I had called in sick. In reality I had a case of agoraphobia, which did not bide well for tomorrow when I had an appointment with my contact person at Social Services and already that was hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles.

After I got up from my extra sleep, I did not feel better, but very nervous and stressed and I decided to call my psychiatrist and fess up my lie and ask him for help with my appointment for the coming day. He thought my agoraphobia might be a result of my decreasing my medication. I told him about the great problem that I had with going to Socials Services and asked him to call my contact person and explain my situation to him and luckily he agreed to do that. He called me back a while later and said that he had taken care of it and that I didn't have to go in tomorrow.

This should have brought me relief to no end, but I could not shake the feeling that there was something very wrong and that the sword of Damocles still hung over my head. I had taken a Temazepam to take care of my nerves, but it only seemed to help partially and I don't want to take another one, because they make me feel groggy. I don't like that drugged feeling unless there is no other solution.

I find myself in a position that I'm highly uncomfortable with what I'm sharing of myself with the world, as if it is going to be used against me. I'm suspicious of what each and everyone of you will do with the information you read here, that's why I'm writing it down with the least amount of emotion. I'm also still afraid to go out the door and it was quite a battle to finally go and take the dog out. I don't know what is out there that scares me so, but there you have it. I'm highly uncomfortable being here by myself and having nobody else here. I feel very vulnerable, as if I'm open to attack from unknown sources that lie in wait for me around the corner somewhere. I feel very vulnerable, that's the main issue.

My psychiatrist said to try and increase my medication with half a tablet, so as not to get the erosion of feelings again. I'm going to try that in a little while. I hope it will do some good, because the way I feel now is no good. I harbor all sorts of suspicious feelings about all sorts of people. I'm second guessing their motivations. That's what's making me feel so scared. I don't feel safe in this world anymore and I don't know when the feeling will disappear. I'm still sane enough to doubt my feelings, but soon I will start believing them, like I already believe some of them, and then I'll be far from home.

I needed to go to the tobacco shop, but was afraid to go, so now I have to use the can of tobacco crumbs that I have saved up. I don't care, as long as I can make cigarettes. Tomorrow morning my sister and I will go grocery shopping and then I will buy tobacco.

I just took my medication including half a tablet of antipsychotics and we will soon see what happens. Like I said, they dissolve on your tongue and enter your system quickly, so I should notice something soon.

I did manage to sweep the living room floor and to mop it. I did the hard parts on my knees, where the dirt was very stubborn. That was in the places where furniture had stood. I have to do the kitchen floor tomorrow and do the bathroom floor as well. I don't enjoy these jobs as they give me a backache, but once they are done there is a bit of satisfaction, especially when I got a bad spot out. I don't care much about the apartment, but I'm going through the motions of getting it clean before Christmas. It's all such a bother and I hardly care, but I feel I must make it look good for company. My older sister and my niece and her husband and daughter are supposed to come down here for the holidays, so I better have the place look good. Joost is coming after Christmas.

I feel I can't write with the least amount of excitement. I may as well be a brain dead sack of potatoes sitting here behind the keyboard. Sometimes I just want to give up and not do it any longer. You know, participate in life. It seems like too much work and I don't get anywhere. I'm tired of the ups and downs and the bad luck. I can try and be Pollyanna and see the bright side, but I can't keep that up forever. Right now I just feel worn out. I couldn't even change a light bulb today. I couldn't get the darn thing screwed in.

The antipsychotic is working now. I may as well take the other half too. I don't see much sense in just taking half a tablet. It seems like it wouldn't be enough. Yes, I'm a stubborn patient. I don't believe in suffering. I guess I believe in throwing caution to the wind.

Well, that's enough of this pathetically written post. It's one big lament, isn't it? Allow me to have one of those too. I don't know what else to do with myself. I can't tell it to the animals. I really need a good therapy session or a slap up the head.


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Frittering away the time.

I've managed to fritter away the day doing I don't know what. Yes, doing all sorts of inconsequential things that didn't add up to anything worthwhile. At least, it doesn't leave me with a lot to show for. After I walked the dog this morning in the slushy snow, which was cold and wet, I ate breakfast and went back to bed and slept another three hours, which was wonderful and I'm convinced I needed it, because when I woke up, I felt great and ever so ready to enjoy the rest of the day. Of course, I started it off by turning on the computer and reading my emails.

Mistake # 1. Never turn on your computer at a random time, because you will get stuck there in the middle of the day and forget to do other things that are more important. I did remember to get dressed, which is good, because the mailman rang the doorbell with a package for me and I did have my clothes on and that was doubly good, because a while later the Exfactor showed up for coffee and a chat. I would hate to have him see me in leggings and a T-shirt. We're past that stage of intimacy.

He stayed for quite awhile and that took a big bite out of my afternoon and then I still had to walk the dog in the slushy snow. My boots have gotten wet and need drying out, but I keep wearing them, because I'm not feeling anything in my toes that's indicating cold or wetness, unless the feeling has gone out of them completely. I probably have wet socks and don't even realize it. After I walk the dog for the last time, I will take them off and put them on a radiator and let them dry properly. The Exfactor brought some cable holders to tack the cable of the computer to the baseboards with, but not enough, so I need to go to the hardware store to buy more.

I must make a list of things I have to buy before the year is out. It's adding up in my head, but I'm bound to forget something now, as there are too many items on it. I will sit down shortly and start writing that list.

The package I got from the mailman contained a book that wouldn't fit through the mailbox slot, but when I got the mail out of the mailbox, there was another book there and some Christmas cards, bringing the total to 13. I do hope I get more than that...

Eventually I remembered my wet laundry hanging out on the clothesline and brought it all in and put it in the washing machine for the spin cycle. It's done now and I can hang it up to dry shortly. Mistake # 2, don't hang up your laundry outside to dry when it's wintertime and it has been snowing and it may rain soon. Mistake # 3, don't trust the weather forecast on your computer.

Well, I have so little to show for my day, it's just outrageous. I did all these little things that are not worth mentioning. If you sleep half of the day and spend another chunk visiting with you ex, it takes care of a good portion of it. I also find myself tired now and I don't know why that is. I'm very much looking forward to going to bed and pulling the duvet over my head. It can be that visiting with the Exfactor has exhausted me. Who knows what sort of subliminal things take place while we meet? Maybe it wears me out.

I think I will hang up the laundry now and then walk the dog and have something to eat. Hey, this was supposed to be an upbeat post, but I 'm ending it in a minor mood. I'm just very tired suddenly. Have a wonderful evening.


It's morning again and then what?

You answer you emails and drink your cups of coffee and smoke your cigarettes, that's what you do. And when you've answered all your emails, you get to write a blog post, that's allowable, because you've got the time and the inspiration.

I've slept my now normal 8 hours again and I feel fully rested and ready to tackle the day, though I mustn't say this too loud, because I have been known to go back to bed after I've said such a thing. Although I don't think I will today, because the day beckons me with the chores I want to get done. After I wrote my post last night, you see, I didn't actually do a thing, but eat and watch the news and go to bed early with my very exciting book and a piece of Camembert cheese, which has given me a sore throat and I know it's from the cheese, because I haven't had any in a long time and now I just happen to have a sore throat, which I normally don't have.

Outside it's 1C and raining and the snow is turning into slush. Not a great day to go outside, but I'll have to walk the poor dog in it. I'll have to wait until the worst of it is over. Of course, this means that the laundry that I didn't bring in last night, is now sopping wet and I'll have to run it through the spin cycle of the washing machine. But it will be somewhat fresh smelling having been soaked by the rain, which is very clean, I hope. The laundry on the drying rack in the bathroom wasn't quite dry last night and I didn't think to bring the laundry from outside in, as they predicted no rain. Well, I was fooled, wasn't I? I will have to go out in my hooded coat and get it off the clothesline and bring it dripping wet into the apartment in the laundry basket and stick it into the washing machine. I can already imagine how cold and wet it will be now.

It's just a minor setback in my day and nothing I can't deal with and, except for very cold hands, there will be no after effects. Everything in life should be that simple to resolve. The good part about the day is, that instead of sweeping the floors last night in the dimness of the light bulbs, I get to vacuum it now by daylight, so I will see much better what I do. This will obviously mean that I will see the dirt better and know where to scrub harder when I get ready to clean the floors. It is my intention to do that today, because I have no other plans and no places to go. I do want the place to look good before Christmas, that's a promise I made myself and I need to stick to it.

I will absolutely not be a diva today, but just an ordinary run of the mill middle aged housewife, which is a persona I need to be every once in a while when I need to pull the interior of my apartment back into shape again. This is best done in extremely comfortable clothes and without regard to my exterior. It's unimportant what I look like. What counts are some muscle and brawn and endurance. A pair of knee pads would help too, but I haven't got any of those.

Of course, there's no law that says I need to be middle aged to be a good housewife, because I used to be young and be a very competent one too, but the fact is that I've reached that point in my life that I'm actually called middle aged and that is a moniker I can't easily get away from, no matter how hard I try, unless I have plastic surgery done all over the place and look like Jane Fonda. If I had the money I would have it done, the works, everything, nip and tuck and do whatever it needs. I'm vain enough for it. I don't like the way my body is getting older and the way gravity is working on everything, pulling it all downwards to my knees. Even my eyelids.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for it to get light outside so the day can get started and I'm hoping for the rain to stop. The streets are going to be a mess and doubtlessly there will be traffic jambs as a result of it. It seems we can't deal with winter weather anymore. Every bit of snowfall takes us by surprise, as if we don't live in a cold climate where that happens regularly. A real snowfall would immobilize the country. How do you people in the Mid West and Canada do it?

My dog is barking at me and that is the signal that he wants to go out. I just looked out the window and it is barely drizzling, so I suppose we can go brave the elements now. We will just get a little wet.

I hope you all have a good day and that your weather isn't as foul as it is here, because this is no fun. But we'll stubbornly walk under the threatening skies and defy all the dark clouds.


Monday, December 21, 2009

Slightly funky!

I'm feeling slightly funky, as if I'm a diva wearing a new costume and I need to go out on the town and show myself to as many admiring people as I can and have them trip all over themselves as they try to get as close to me as possible, while they bask in the glory that is me, the queen of the night. Oh hallelujah, wouldn't it be great? The other option is that I sit here and bask in my own limelight that is the desk lamp and enjoy my own good company and keep the secret of my greatness to myself and don't divulge a word of it to the world at large, but only to you, dear readers, who will keep the secret with me and not call the paparazzi for whatever amount of money.

A woman of a certain age needs her dreams and wants to pretend she's like Bette Midler and quite glamorous from the top of her head down to her very toes. Or she could even be as ageless as Cher and be in a permanent state of undress and still not look naked. Either way, right now I need to think that I'm a diva and that I'm sitting here in my diva clothes with my cigarette in a fashionable holder, drinking a very dry martini from a delicately cut glass and I'm about to have the night of my life. What I actually do, once my soap bell has been busted, is irrelevant, because I can make this moment last forever. I'll pretend I'm between engagements now.

Instead of having that dry martini, I'm having a cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine too. That must be because I'm drinking it from a mug that came all the way from Italy. It gives it something extra. A Mediterranean flavor. I could be drinking it from a mug all the way from Japan, but it is in the dirty dishes and divas don't do dishes. At least not at this time of the day. This is when they have their fantasies. I'd like to pretend, by the way, that I'm wearing fish net stockings and long black high heeled boots, or do you think that's too vulgar?

This morning, after I braved the cold in my regular clothes without a jacket on and hung up the laundry to dry outside, I got on my bike and rode it through the snowy, slushy streets to the little post office. There I mailed the ten books and bought stamps for inside the country, for inside Europe and for outside Europe. The cost of sending the books and the cost of the stamps took almost all the cash I had left in my wallet and left me with one Euro and some change to buy filter tubes with. I considered myself very lucky, because it would have been highly embarrassing to stand there without enough money.

When I got home, I called my contact person at Social Services to find out if there was a special reason why my money was not yet in my bank account and he said that, no, there was no reason at all, I had not done anything wrong, and it should show up any minute. That was a relief, because I thought maybe I was being penalized for not keeping my appointment with him and changing it to a later date. You never know how these government agencies work. There are all sorts of mysterious rules.

Then I opened the blue envelope from the Tax Office and saw the amount of income tax they wanted me to pay for 2008 and I thought, "I don't have that money!" So, I got on the phone and talked to a very nice woman who said that they would give me 6 weeks plus 4 months to pay off the amount. That was not as reasonable as I had hoped, but it was something anyway and I will just have to live on bread and water for that time.

I checked my bank account again and saw that the money was there, so I immediately paid some bills, including the one for the taxes. I hate to have that hanging over my head. I'd rather know how poor I am at the beginning of the coming month, so I know what I can spend at the store. There's no sense in hanging on to money that really isn't yours anyway. It just gives you a false sense of security. While I was hanging out in my bank account on line, my balance suddenly got higher and that was because my rent and health insurance subsidies came in and I was happy to see that my health insurance subsidy had increased, because my insurance had gotten more expensive too. Sometimes things do actually work well. I keep looking at the bright side of things. Miss Pollyanna I am. I see a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.

Time to file the paperwork in a three ring binder that's getting awfully full and that will need replacing with a new one. Or rather, I will have to start a new one in January and get new tab sheets and start filing things for 2010. Everybody is increasing their rates and nobody asks you if you can afford it. All the extra costs get passed on to the customers and we gleefully sit by and watch and can't do a thing about it.

Of course, if I were a true diva, I would have a financial manager who would make a mess of things and leave me broke with himself with a large bank account on the Bahamas. This diva is managing her own small fortune herself. It is a little bitty mini fortune, courtesy of the state.

There's a time to be sad and worried and there's a time to not give a hoot and right now I don't care. I'm not going to worry about a bloody thing and just pull up my shoulders and say, "So what?" You can run around in circles and try to get it all right and perfect and the way everybody wants it to be and after that you just have to walk away from it and say you've done your best. And blow many raspberries!

Where was I going with this fantasy anyway? I think I need to blow some new soap bubbles. I think as an encore I will sweep the living room floor, because there are a few drifts of dog hair floating around. I hope I can manage that in my high heeled boots. I may have to get out of these drag queen clothes and put on something sensible and middle aged. Socks and slippers, for instance. That's okay, I was having a bad hair day anyway from wearing that woolly hat all the time. You can't go out on the town when your hair is statically electrified to your head.

In the meantime, I've got to find some work to do. I need to be sensibly occupied. I'm sure if I look around here, I will find a job or two to do. There no shortage of cleaning up to do. There is a shortage of bright light, what with all the energy saving bulbs. I must find a solution for that. Maybe buy bigger bulbs. It does make things a little dim in here and I may miss some of the dirt. Other people would wait for daylight, but I must find something to pour my spare energy into and I'm not going to the disco, I don't think they're open on a Monday night.

It never did rain today and the snow is still here and now the prediction for rain that was up there earlier for tomorrow is gone. Now we have no clouds and moonshine. I wonder how my laundry is doing outside. I may have to bring it inside if my other laundry on the drying rack is dry. At least that will be a job I can do. Oh good! Never did a housewife get so excited about laundry, but that is because it means clean clothes for me to wear and I'm all for having a large choice of them.

Right, this diva is returning to her regular housewife status, but don't think I'm really a regular housewife, because I'm not. I'm wearing Turkish pants and how many housewives do you know outside Turkey who do? It's been a treat to pass the time with you, but I really must go do something sensible now. I only wish it weren't so cold and dark by the clothesline.

Have a good evening, do all the things I would do and then some.


What I should be doing!

I should be rushing around getting ready and walking the dog before I go to the post office, but I've pushed my pause button and am going to sit here just a while longer and enjoy the not so quite start of the day. Why? Because I can and because the dog is lying here beside me snoring and he has already been out for a piddle and my coffee tastes especially good. Besides that, my mood is extremely good right now and I want to keep it that way for a little while longer and not disturb it with aggravating activity yet. I know the post office isn't open yet, though by the time I'm dressed and walk the dog it would be, but I have time yet and all will get done in the end.

At least my packages and Christmas cards are all ready to go and all I have to do is pick them up and put them in my shopping bag. It may be a bit tough to ride my bike, because there's still snow outside and it is still freezing. I was standing by the back door when the dog did his piddle and shivered. Of course, he took forever, because he had to investigate everywhere and found one spot in particular very interesting and I wonder if there is a hedgehog there that took shelter. It was too cold and snowy to go out in my slippers to have a look. Every once in a while there is a hedge hog out back that wants to look for spots to hide under and the dog is always very curious when he runs into one.

I started my morning with a big glass of fruit juice, but realized very quickly that it doesn't work the way a cup of coffee does and after half an hour, I very quickly walked to the Senseo machine and brewed myself a strong one, which I drank quickly and which restored me to my senses soon after. Yes, I do need my caffeine or I'm a sad camper who does not function well. I'm a typical Mickey Spillane writer who lives on caffeine and nicotine. I should have lived decades ago when it was still glamorous and I could have been a babe and have had interesting cocktails to drink in a rundown office on the backstairs, with a loaded gun in the desk drawer. Such is my fantasy this morning.

I've very quickly read as many blog posts as possible in the little time I allowed myself to do so, because I was up rather late this morning by my standards and that means that I had a good night's sleep. I slept for at least 8 hours and feel quite spunky now. I don't know what's come over me, but for some reason I'm managing to sleep like a regular human being. I do get up in the middle of the night once, but have enough sense to go back to bed and I hardly remember falling asleep again. I'm very fond of my duvet and roll myself into it as if it were a sleeping bag with only the top of my head showing. I think I would like a heavier duvet in the wintertime, but I'm not cold. I think I would just enjoy the weight of it. I must look into that the next time I'm at Ikea. I need a new duvet anyway. This one is getting kind of threadbare.

I put a whole load of laundry through the machine last night and I would love to dry it outside, but the weather forecast predicts 2C and rain, so I think I can't take the chance, which is really a shame, because there nothing like having your clothes dry outside. They smell so good when you bring them back in and put them away in your closet. The next best thing is when all your clothes smell of your favorite perfume. I've also tried those lavender sachets, but I find them next to useless, as I never have any of my clothes smell like lavender and I think it's all just a rip off. I have thought of putting dryer sheets in the closet and hoping that their scent would make my clothes smell good, but I don't know if they would stain them. Of course. all my clothes also smell of smoke and that is an odor that is hard to get rid off, unless you constantly wash your clothes, even when they aren't dirty. That's the kind of wear end tear I don't need, though.

I just checked my bank account and my money isn't there yet. Luckily, I have cash to pay with at the post office. I do have my guardian angel, I tell you. I am concerned about my money not being there and I will have to make a phone call today and find out where it is.

The dog is becoming restless and is giving me the evil eye. It says, "Come on woman, I need to go out," so I guess I better do that now.

It's still plenty cold out and of course I didn't wear my gloves, so the hand that wasn't in my pocket is very cold. It's -4C and the snow is till just as thick as it was yesterday and nice and crunchy. I don't see how I'm going to ride my bike in it, but I'll worry about that when the time comes. It looks very slippery on the streets where all the cars have driven. I'll have to walk in some spots.

Now that I've been out, the spell has been broken and I feel that the day has officially started. That means I can't sit here much longer, although I can prolong the inevitable a little bit. I haven't opened the blinds yet to let the daylight in, although I will do that soon and watch the sun shine on the snow. I hope the weather forecasters got it wrong and that it doesn't rain today and that I can hang up my laundry to dry. I will tempt fate and hang it out anyway and see what happens.

I haven't got anything planned for Christmas and I think I will just pretend it is a day like any other day, but just a little bit more jubilant. I don't have a tree up, nor any other decorations, except for the sparkly branches in the bedroom and the Christmas cards that are hanging on the living room door. I do enjoy getting and sending cards. That's one tradition I will honor. I'm not going to roast a goose or a turkey and I won't be drinking eggnog. I think I have some Bailey's Irish Cream left that I may imbibe in. I do always think of that as a Holiday drink. It's the smoothest stuff I know.

Well, I'm off to hang up the laundry, so I all expect you to keep your fingers crossed for me for dry weather. Just think, all I want is nice smelling clothes. Oh yes, and money in my bank account.

I hope you all have a terrific day and that you have all your Christmas shopping done, because I would hate to think of you having to do your shopping now.


Sunday, December 20, 2009

Sunday later in the day...

After I wrote my post this morning, and spent some time downloading more wallpaper, I took the dog for a walk in the snow. It was cold outside and there was a wind blowing from the south and it was not warm as you might expect it to be, all warm things coming from the south. It was a cold wind and whipped around me with snow flurries and I shivered and made the dog hurry as quickly as possible. When I got home, I immediately changed clothes, because what I was wearing wasn't warm enough and I dug into my closet to find warmer clothing. Now I'm wearing things I haven't worn in quite some time, but I'm much more comfortable. I couldn't fit into last year's skinny jeans, but they wear always a questionable size, so I'm not surprised. Instead, I'm wearing two pairs of leggings and the top pair is Turkish and are more like pants with a skirt attached to them over which I'm wearing a long sleeved tunic, under which I'm wearing a long sleeved T-shirt.

I wore my woolly hat pulled down to my eyebrows the second time we went out, because it hasn't stopped snowing all day, but the dog got snowed on and little clumps of snow collected on his long ears. My boots served their function well and kept my feet dry and warm, they are good boots. We have to go out again in a little while and will have fun walking around in the thick layer of snow that may be gone again tomorrow, because it's going to be 2C and it's going to rain. I would rather have snow than rain, but the rain is only supposed to be an interlude and then we will have snow again. We may have a white Christmas.

I didn't waste my day, but got 10 books ready to ship and it was a lot of work, because I have to find the right envelope to fit the book in and get it in good enough shape to get it to close again and take the address label. I use used envelopes that people have sent me books in and so far it has worked well, but it is extra work to make them look presentable. Then I have to find the right book to go with the right address, but I have a whole system for that and it goes like clockwork. I make all the address labels first and write on the back of each which book goes with it, so when I get ready to fix that package, I get the book off the shelf and not sooner. It prevents confusion.

I was going to keep being this industrious and pay my bills, only to find out that my check had not been deposited in my bank account yet. So that kind of put a cramp in my style. I hope it's there on Monday. Instead of paying bills, I will have to hang up the laundry. That will be industrious too.

I just walked the dog again and it is less cold outside. There is hardly any wind and is has stopped snowing. There are footsteps in the snow everywhere and sled tracks. People have swept the sidewalks in front of their houses leaving little treacherous snowy patches that are slippery, so you'd rather just walk in the snow. All good intentions go astray.

Oh no, after I came home from walking the dog the first time this morning, I didn't immediately change my clothes. I went back to bed first. I slept for 3 more hours! How could I have forgotten that? It was wonderful and ever so cozy in bed. I had my book and I had eaten breakfast and I was warm and snug under the duvet and I think this is a very good habit to keep, because I am cold when I get home and I do always want some more sleep and there is no better place to be than in bed with my book. As a matter of fact, I am yawning now and I will have to try an draw out bedtime as long as possible so I don't go to bed too early, but isn't sleeping wonderful? I think it is one of my hobbies. I'm a connoisseur of sleep.

The problem with the woolly hat is that it ruins your hairdo. It makes your hair totally flat and stick to your skull so you look like a monkey. You can't be seen in polite company like that and you should just keep your hat on. No wonder that society women never take their hats off when they are at a function. They would look ridiculous. I'm already constantly wearing my scarf, I should just constantly wear my woolly hat too. I'm sure I would be thought of as eccentric and then I would start to wear purple. Possibly I would start wearing long underwear too and always be warm, and fingerless gloves.

I'm very happy in my Turkish pants. They keep me warm and the skirt keeps me modest under my tunic, because the tunic is just a bit too short to wear as a mini dress. If I were a teenager, I'm sure I could get away with it, but I'm an old woman and can't. I do always have to keep my age in mind when I dress, because I can't do the things I'd always like to do and that is dress without a care in the world and just put on whatever I feel like. There are limits to what I can get away with, although my legs aren't bad looking from a certain point down. I'm always very happy to be wearing leggings, because they cover up many details that I don't care to show, although I don't have anything as unsightly as varicose veins, knock on wood!

I have more tunics in my closet that I haven't worn in a while and I have another pair of Turkish pants in another color, so I'm all set for the cold weather. Not to speak of cute little sweaters that can go over them if need be. Layers, that's what it takes. I'm all set for the cold, although I still despise riding my bike in it and would so very much prefer to own a car and be warm and comfortable in one. Let's face it, though, There is no car in my future. Unless it's one of those little things that's only allowed to go 45km an hour and for which you need a scooter license. That's such a typical old people car and I would feel very funny driving one, but I wouldn't hesitate if I could get one. If they gave me one, that is.

I'm used now to taking only two tablets of anti psychotics. I don't feel funny anymore. I take one during the day and the other one at night and that seems to work just fine. I don't think I can wait with the one during the day and take it later, but it isn't necessary. It's not making me drowsy once I've had enough sleep. I always worry a bit about decreasing my medication, because I don't know what effects it will have on me, but I really only had one bad day and one not so bad day. Today I was fine and didn't notice anything adverse. I thought I was going to have a tougher time longer.

Well, it's time to go hang up the laundry and put the trash outside. Brrr... I'll have to go out there again. I'll concentrate on the laundry first, that's much more pleasant. Oh, and I have to put away all the clothes that I wore last week that didn't go into the laundry basket. It's always something. I don't like putting away my clothes because the closet is too full.

Have a nice evening and try to stay warm by the fire, if you have one.


Sunday in the wee hours.

I went to bed at 7 pm last night. I was so tired and basically all I had done all day was sit behind the computer, but I suppose that can wear you out also. I read my book for just a little while and then went to sleep and slept for eight hours, which I think is pretty darn good. I was surprised when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was when I woke up. Of course, it is still early in the morning, but that just leaves me a lot of time to sit here behind the computer and have wonderful cups of coffee and cigarettes and do as I please until the day really starts. By that I mean, when the sun comes up and I have to get dressed and walk the dog and do a serious task instead of just sitting here enjoying myself.

It is only -7C outside, so not as cold as it was the night before last. Cold enough for the heater to go on every once in awhile, so it is nice and pleasant in the apartment. I have some lights on so I don't sit here in the dark too much, I mean not only with the desk lamp on, and it is very cozy. It makes me feel safe and comfortable, as if all is well with the world for right now. You do have to get your small moments of joy out of the day as much as possible and you have to find them in the little things that are very near and dear to you, such as being in your own safe and quiet space with the lights on and the cold and dark world outside. It makes you appreciate being warm and comfortable very much.

The dog is always where I am. Every once in a while he goes and finds a more comfortable place to lie down, but he always returns here to lie beside me on the rug, as if he is attached to me by an invisible cord that is unbreakable. I find such loyalty very endearing and I always find myself looking at him sleep and being so taken with that. A dog is such an innocent animal and so totally dependent on you. I always have to be steadfast and true to him, so as to not confuse him and to always make him feel secure and make his life predictable. Sometimes he gives me that look as if to say, "Is everything okay? Yes? Alright then!" Then he continues to do whatever he was doing. He assumes he is safe and safe he is, especially now that he is as good as deaf and doesn't see well. He gets treated with extra special care.

I have a good camera, but I sure do forget to use it a lot. I don't think I have even photographed my last two paintings. I must remember to do that and show those on my art blog. I always have my camera in my purse, but then forget all about it. I am not an opportunity photographer. I don't walk around the world seeing good shots. I would only do that if I had my camera in my hand and consciously thought about it. It is really a shame, because I'm probably missing all sorts of photo opportunities. Then again, maybe photography doesn't come to me naturally, or I would do it more instinctively. I think some people have a real gift for it and see the world the way you would see it through the lens of a camera constantly. Every once in a while I see a scene that I think would make a good photograph, but then I forget that I have my camera right in my purse and that I can take a photo right then and there. I suppose I haven't developed the freedom to do that and the instincts to go with it. I'm too inhibited. I guess if I have to make a resolution for the New Year, it is to use my camera more often, although I'm not a great believer in resolutions, because very often they are false promises you make to yourself. It is my intention to use my camera more often, let's put it that way. If I actually do it is something we will have to wait and see about.

It's the same way with doing art. I haven't done any at home for quite awhile. Now, I know why this is. I'm missing some essential ingredients to make the things I want to make, but still, that's only partly an excuse. I can't seem to get into art making at home the way I do at therapy. Of course, I don't have the right place to do it, except for the dining table where I always have to clean everything up immediately or else the cats will walk all over it. I have to get a table and a good lamp to put in my bedroom and get the other ingredients that I need to be able to make the art I want to create. If I was really interested, I would be getting this done, but it is like so many other things. I postpone it indefinitely, as if it is going to happen by itself some day magically, forgetting that I have to be the moving force behind it. I think I'm waiting for that spark of inspiration and interest to hit me. The one that will set me on fire a little bit. The one that makes me manic, without actually becoming fully manic.

So, you see I'm not living up to my potential in many ways and that is because of my very low energy level. Because I spend more time sitting and getting nothing much accomplished than I do moving about and being engaged in something. I have a big mental block that I can't get past. It's like a huge boulder on the road and I can't get around it, so I idle my time away in front of it. Every day I tell myself that this is the day that it's going to be different, and every day is a repeat of the day before and I achieve hardly anything. A depressed mind is a terrible thing to carry around with you. It is heavy and burdensome and nothing but a frustrating load to bear.

But now I must be cheerful, because it's still early in the morning and nothing can touch me yet. I can make myself another cup of coffee and wile away my time a little bit longer. Of course. I have to remember that it's Sunday and a day of rest and that not much bad can happen to you on a Sunday. It's everybody's day off. Even the tax office, whose blue envelope I have lying unopened on the coffee table and which I will open today. A blue envelope is never any good. That's why it's colored blue, so you won't miss it in the mail and say you didn't get it. I'm not going to worry about it. Whatever bad news is in there, I will deal with. They are not the evil stepmother and I am not a helpless Snow White. There is no Prince Charming in this story.

It would be ever so nice if there were a Fairy Cleaning Crew that would come and Micro Clean the apartment. I have a feeling that if it were clean once and for all, I would be able to keep it clean, but maybe that is a delusion. It is nice to believe in fairy tales, though. Maybe I need some wicked step sisters to put to work while I go to the ball. Oh no, that would be too much work. I would have to get all jazzed up in my finest and wear high heels and a low cut dress. I don't think so in this weather. Not unless I got to wear a fake fur coat that was especially warm.

Well, I guess that's about it for me for this morning. I hope I've kept you pleasantly entertained. I've kept myself entertained, that's for sure. It made the time pass quickly and I still can do all sorts of things.

I hope you all have a good morning and the best of days, this Sunday before Christmas.


Saturday, December 19, 2009

Saturday Morning.

It's -12C outside, so I'm not quite ready yet to go and walk the dog. I hope he can wait a while until it gets just a bit warmer. I'm sure all the ice skating fanatics are ready at every bit of open water that's frozen over and are out there tying on their skates now before it gets to crowded on the ice. There are a lot of ice skating fanatics in this country. It's in the blood. Last year there was lots of good skating on natural ice, so nearly everybody has skates now and they will want to put them to good use. I wonder if there will be another run on skates by the people who didn't manage to get a pair last season, because they were all sold out. The manufacturers couldn't keep up with the demand.

I managed to sleep eight hours last night, yet after I got up and had my breakfast and took my morning medication and answered some emails, I went back to bed and slept another three hours. I don't know if that is because of the tranquilizers that I take or because I just needed the additional sleep. I would have to try and not take the tranquilizers some morning and find out, Maybe I can do that tomorrow and see what happens. I'm reluctant to go without any of my medicines, because of the changes in my constitution, but sometimes it's worth trying to see if it makes any difference in my energy levels. Like I am doing now with the antipsychotic.

I haven't noticed any difference so far in my interest in tackling the apartment and that is what I'm really waiting for. I'm waiting for that little burst of energy that will get me started on the jobs I have to do. Some boost in my level of interest in getting those things done. The fact that I care enough to. Right now I don't see that changing. I am mostly uninterested in most anything I would have to do and I find myself putting off other things as well until the moment that they can't be put off any longer. I guess it's the approaching deadline that works as a motivating factor for me right now, but it's always looming over me as the sword of Damocles. It's not how it ought to be. I hope to see some change in that today.


I've just been absent for quite a while. I had to walk the dog and then I got distracted by a website that offered very good wallpaper, but I had to click through the images randomly, so sometimes it took a while before I found a good one. It was just the sort of almost mindless job that I was interested in, because every once in a while I got excited when I found one that I liked and I could save. That's the kind of work I need to do. Just stick me behind a computer and let me do mind numbing work that occasionally is exciting to keep my interest going. There must be lots of jobs like that.

I pick images that I'd like to have on my screen as wallpaper, but I also have been using them as images for the tops of my posts lately and I got feedback that they were well liked. So, the only criteria I have, is if I would like the image as a wallpaper. If the answer is yes, then I download it and save it. You wouldn't believe the good stuff that you can find on the Internet and it's all anarchistically for free. No, the Internet is not democratic. It's a jungle and a free for all. We assume we will all be polite and gentlemanly, but whose to say we will be? It's amazing that it works so well. Just don't hang out in the fringes.

Of course, I'm not getting anything valuable done, though I did just clean up cat barf. Gandhi had eaten dog food and was too greedy with the obvious result. For some reason the dog decided not to eat it and I had not noticed that, being so wrapped up in what I was doing. I do have a one track mind sometimes and only a gagging cat will disturb me.

It's time to come back to reality and have a good look around me and see what I am going to do with the rest of my day. I am wasting my time fruitfully. I can get so lost in things, I'm sure you all have the same problem, but isn't that pleasant, though? It's really nice when you're doing something that completely takes your mind off things and lets you not have a care in the world for a while. I completely forgot my surroundings, I was so lost in those images. It just goes to show you which photos you don't have to take, because they've already been taken by somebody else, unless you want them as your own mementos.

It also shows you which photos are just pure kitsch and that you should not take them for the sake of good taste. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but when you see many of them like it on a photography website, you realize they're no good and it is a waste of time to take them. Photos of babies and puppies and kittens and pretty young women are a dime a dozen. Those aren't the winning photographs. Besides, nowadays you can't take photos of half naked children without feeling that they're going to be exploited somehow. I would be very uncomfortable placing them. Equally with shots of alluring young women. Why do we need them anyway, if not to draw the male viewer in with promises of sensuality? Those are not the photographs that are appealing to me and I'm certainly not going to download them, although some of them are quite beautiful. There's so much you don't want to do in this day and age. We're past the age of innocence.

Oh, I'm moralizing, aren't I? Well, I will get off my soap box and get back down to street level where I belong. I certainly can't dictate good taste, although I think everyone should have it. I do realize it develops depending on your circumstances and what you are exposed to. I know that when I lived a middle class life, my tastes were much more pedestrian, although they were slightly more enlightened then your average housewife. I was not as evolved as I am now and who's to say that I am all that evolved now compared to other more enlightened human beings? I may still be very limited in my points of view and be unaware of a whole lot of observations on life that I've not been exposed to. I try my best, though, to stay open and aware.

Well, having wasted a good portion of the day, I will draw an end to this epistle and see if I can do some other things instead. Packaging books may be a useful thing to do. It's always a lot of work and it will keep me busy for a while. I hope I don't run out of steam halfway through. I must finish it all at once.

Have a good day you all. 't Is the weekend before Christmas and no doubt you're all busy getting ready for that. Don't forget to take a breather every now and then.