Sunday, January 30, 2011

Just be unruly...

It's early in the morning and I'm having my third cup of coffee, soon to be followed by a tall glass of cold milk. I can only drink so much coffee before I'm completely satiated with it and don't want another drop of it. It does mean that I'm wide awake for now and that all the marbles in my head are in their proper place. There aren't any rolling around unguardedly creating bumps and dents. Everything is pretty solid up there and when I tilt my head, I hear no alarming noises, nor do I suffer from vertigo.

Having established that, I think I can safely write a blog post and try to make some sense of it without making it too complicated so early in the morning when the world hasn't even woken up yet. It is Sunday and things will stay quiet for a long time until the church bells ring for the first mass. I will be sound asleep again by that time, as it is usual for me to go back to bed and get the rest of my beauty sleep in, not that it's helping a heck of a lot. Whatever beauty I had has faded with age and is irretrievable. I don't mourn for it and age gracefully. There aren't any other options. 

I very obediently had a quiet night at home as is befitting of a middle aged woman, and I spent it watching harmless programs on television.  They're the sort of programs made for people who don't have anything better to do on a Saturday night, but who need to be entertained anyway, without being taxed too much. It's called amusement and what would I do without it? I pretend to be more interested than I really am, but it's really a good way to pass the time and sometimes I am mildly amused. Sometimes I even care. I'm glad I get to decide for myself what nonsense I get to watch and that there's no one here to critique my choice of programs, because it doesn't all have to be very challenging. I can imagine that if I lived with someone else, I wouldn't watch half the drivel that I do, and honestly, sometimes drivel is good.

I did watch the news twice. One time in the condensed form and one time in the more expanded form. I do try to be well informed. Between it and what I hear on the radio, I think I am. I like watching the news, as I'm very interested to know what's going on around the world and politically in my own country. Not that I feel that I have that much power over it, but I don't like to be caught unawares. I'd like to think that just knowing about it makes me a better person and in the end, because everything is connected, better able to vote when it comes down to it, because we are so internationally oriented. I do like to hear the backgrounds and that is why I like the political discussions on the radio. 

I'm drinking cold milk now and very good it tastes too after all that coffee. I think coffee does make you thirsty as it has the tendency to dehydrate you. It is great if you're retaining water.

I think I'm ready to get back into my warm bed. I haven't had the heater on the whole time I've been up. It has been warm enough in here still. For some reason it didn't cool off that much during the night, even though it's freezing outside. It's going to be another cold, sunny day. I will walk Tyke in my warm winter coat with my gloves on. That's for later, first I'm going to sleep some more. 

Have a good morning.


Friday, January 28, 2011

Don't neglect the masses...

It's in the middle of the night and, because I went to bed very early, I've already slept several hours before I woke up and was wide awake again. That, of course, is usual for me. As morning approaches I will get tired and go back to bed to sleep some more and I do have the luxury to do that. I'm completely aware of how lucky I am. I do like this schedule and enjoy being awake in the middle of the night and sleeping in the morning. That seems to be the rhythm that suits me. 

I was asleep with both Tyke and Gandhi on the bed, because it seems that the extra blanket I put on it is just what they desired. It is soft and comfortable for them to lie on and it is warmer than the relatively cool duvet cover. They both huddle close to me as if we live in the Arctic and we are sleeping through the coldest possible night. It really doesn't get that cold in here, I never do turn the thermostat that low. Tyke is colder because he got his fur trimmed and he does lie closer to me to profit from my body's warmth. 

Yesterday was a day of chores and walking Tyke. I'm not finished with the chores and got some of them only halfway done. I will have to do the other half today. I did check my bank account balance and saw how solvent I was. I opened all the mail and much to my relief most of it turned out to be very unimportant. You can't tell that by looking at the envelopes. I always expect the worst and then it usually turns out to not be so bad, but there is much anticipation ahead of time. It's very enjoyable when I can put most of the paperwork in the recyclable bin. 

It's very enjoyable to pass the time with more or less insignificant things. I don't feel a great need to perform out of the ordinary deeds. I'm glad when the day goes by as smoothly as possible and all the elements are as uncomplicated as can be. I like solving problems, but I don't like for them to be huge. I do like their size to be of human proportion and manageable. Other people's psychological complications I am usually able to deal with very well. I seem to have a good understanding of them and have an answer too. I usually come up with some solution. My own psyche is becoming clearer to me, especially now that I'm cutting down on my medicines. It's amazing what difference that makes in my ability to view myself. I'm less complicated than I thought I was. 

I do believe that everybody should create their own myth to live by and that you should not believe in other people's myths. If you make up your own, you can fill it with elements that are true about you and not about other people. You have to make up the story about yourself based on how it really is and then live accordingly. If you're completely honest with yourself, you will know what your own truths are and not try to maintain those of other people. Believing in other people's myths and truths will set you on the wrong path and it will lead to frustration and sadness. They won't fit you and you will be uncomfortable with them. Many people go burdened by mistaken beliefs about themselves.

Having said that, I do hope I don't forget my own advice two months from now when the leaves come back on the trees, because that can be a time of turmoil for me. I'll have to go back and reread my own blog posts. In times of sanity I can be very wise, only to forget everything I've said when I go off course. Hopefully, this spring things will be different. I will be off a lot of my medication and that may make a difference. I don't know how much the pills have influenced my moods. It may have been for the worse. We'll see. 

I hope you'll all have a good morning when you wake up, or a good night when you go to sleep, whichever applies to you. 


Sunday, January 23, 2011

Not so eager now...

Yesterday I was eager to get dressed and take Tyke out for a long walk, even though it was drizzling. Today I am not so eager and I'm still sitting here in my bathrobe. It is a different day with different ambitions, or should I say, it is a day with no ambitions at all? I did have some earlier this morning, but since then I have been back to bed and slept a few hours and now that I'm up again, I don't feel like doing anything special at all. 

I do have to say that my knee is bothering me and that is just from lying in bed with it. I must have overdone it yesterday and am paying the price for it now. It is a good excuse not to overdo it today. 

It's the same kind of gray and dreary day it was yesterday and it looks like it's going to rain any minute. Maybe this won't bother me after I've had some more coffee. That can make a difference in my attitude. Coffee as a rule does perk me up. However, I do think I'm ready for some sunshine now. That would motivate me to go outside and enjoy the fresh air. I still remember what it felt like to get wet yesterday and it took Tyke a long time to get dry.

There will be speed skating on television again this afternoon and I will probably watch that. I will also change my bed and wash the dirty sheets. Clean sheets will make it extra special to go to bed tonight. As if I need an excuse for that, right? I always like going to bed at night. That's one of my pleasures. I do have a guilty few. 

Tyke's trying to get my attention and I can't ignore him, so I'm simultaneously petting him and typing this. It is tough to do. As a matter of fact, it is impossible. I'll have to get dressed and take him for a short outing. I think that will satisfy him. We'll go around the sopping wet fields. 

I hope you all have a great day!


Saturday, January 22, 2011

No rest for the wicked...

I've tried to sleep, but after tossing and turning for a few hours I've gotten up again and heated up a cup of left over coffee. I will be up for a while and try to sleep again at a later time or some time early in the morning. I will see how well I manage to amuse myself and to which time zone in the world I can adjust myself. Somewhere in the world people are up living their lives and going about their business and I'll pretend that I'm in tune with them. I'll disregard the fact that it is bedtime here. As a matter of fact, I should be in tune now with my daughter who lives in Texas, so I'll pretend I'm over there. 

It's possible that I've been stuck in the Texas time zone ever since I was last there and that I never got adjusted again to the one here. I'm constantly running about 7 hours behind schedule. Maybe that's my problem. The little bit of sleep I get initially at night is only induced by my sleep medication. It doesn't really count as real sleep. I don't get that until I go to sleep in the early hours of the morning. In Texas I slept well. I went to bed at a normal time and slept through the night. I always sleep well when I'm in the States. I guess I feel safer there. 

This is all just a mad theory I'm making up as I go along. I'm only being silly, but I am looking forward to the moment when I get tired and I'll want to go to bed and I will really be ready to go to sleep. That's when I have my sweetest dreams, but I suppose that if I want to sleep well, I have to go to Texas. I may even go so far as to try California. That's 9 hours difference. That really ought to do the trick. 

I'm drinking cold milk now as I didn't think it was too smart to drink any more coffee. I've had enough caffeine during the evening to wake up a village. No, that's not true, I didn't drink that much coffee. Just enough to get me out of a slump, but it probably didn't help me go to sleep. I'm just too pepped up. I have to keep in mind that I reduced my anti-psychotics some more today. That can make a difference in my mood and energy level. It can make me hyper. I do have to keep an eye on that. 

I think I'll go find something to do. Some sort of trouble to get into. There must be something I can undertake. 

Have a good evening all you people who are still awake. 


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Shamelessly sleepy...

It's early in the evening and I'm sitting here with the blinds closed and the lights on. I'm all cozy and solitary except for the animals who are my loyal companions. They have no choice. They are bound to me and have no other place to go. Nobody else will take them in. We are stuck with each other. That's just the way it is. Having concluded that, I will just have to make the best of it and get along with them as well as I can. Somebody has to. 

All kidding aside, I did trim the hair around Tyke's eyes so he could see a little better. I thought he might get cross eyed because of it. I also thought he was going to make a big deal out of it, but he allowed me to do it without a problem. He was very co-operative. He was very much interested in the scissors and was curious about what I was going to do with them. I took him completely by surprise. I think he appreciated the fact that I cut off the hair that was there in front of his eyes. He looked all bright and cheerful once I had done it. 

That was my good deed for the day. I don't know if I have been doing good deeds on a regular basis at all. I haven't been keeping track and I haven't consciously been aware of it. I'm always a kind person, but there used to be a time in my life when I was aware of doing good deeds every day. Just small kind ones to make someone's life a little easier. I'm not too sure if I do that anymore. I must pay attention to this and reinstate the habit if it's gone. 

I think just remembering to be kind and friendly and polite to other people is a good thing, because there was a time when that was difficult for me. It's so nice to approach people with a friendly face and to be open to contact. What a relief it is to be able to do that when it wasn't possible for a long while.

Tyke's asleep on the dining table now. He likes to be asleep on high uncomfortable places. He likes to oversee things. I don't think he's going to like his big soft pillow all that much if and when it arrives. I'm going to put it in the bedroom, because I think he will use it there most often. In the living room he's either close to where I am or on the dining table. Even now he's within an arm's length of me. He's becoming a regular fixture in the neighborhood. The dog that sits in front of the windows and watches the world go by on top of the dining table. 

I'm very happy that it's evening and that the day is coming to an end. I'm looking forward to going to bed, but when am I ever not? I'm either going to bed or just getting up from it. I'm either waking up or very sleepy. Sleep always plays a big role in my life. I will put my pajamas and bathrobe on in a while and watch the news and then go to bed. It will be lovely. 

I hope you will all have a lovely evening too. 


Monday, January 17, 2011

By Moonlight...

Four hours of sleep is not a lot, but that's all I've had so far. This means that I will have to go back to bed later and sleep some more, but I can't sleep late, because my Belgian personal helper is coming at eleven o'clock this morning. I also still have to clean up the kitchen, which is a bit of a mess. I'm not about to let her see how much of a mess it is, so I do have to get it organized. I suppose I'll do that before I go back to bed.

If I'm going to do that, I may as well stay up and take a shower and get that out of the way and get dressed and when I get to that point, I may as well forget about going to sleep again. I may take a short nap on the sofa, but that will be it. 

I've got no one to blame for it but myself, as I could have cleaned up the kitchen this weekend, but was too preoccupied. I was having too good a time to do it and I do like putting things off until the last minute, feeling that I'm better able to do them then. I work well under the pressure of time. It motivates me. 

I was in an excellent mood yesterday, despite the fact that it was the second day that I had so radically reduced my medicines. It didn't seem to bother me at all, after I thought that it had on Saturday. That must have been a figment of my imagination. I feel better than I have in a long time and it is noticeable in my whole demeanor. Even I can observe myself and see that I function better. I'm not a slow slug anymore.

As Sundays go, it was a good day. I never have very high expectations of that day, so anything that goes well is icing on the cake. It was a sunshiny day and not too cold and it was a pleasure to take Tyke out in my not so heavy leather jacket and winter scarf. We walked a little bit of a different route and Tyke had many opportunities to be very macho and assert himself with typical young male dog behavior. It included a lot of general growling and posing. He does have a busy life once he gets outside. It's a lot of fun to watch him. 

I visited my sister and her friend in the afternoon and rode my bike over there. It is finally possible to ride my bike again, but I do notice that I'm a little bit out of shape after not riding it all that time that there was snow and ice. I have to build up my stamina again. My sister's friend had gone to the bakery in the morning and had gotten delicious cakes, one of which was almost solid chocolate, a slice of which I had with a cafe latte and it was truly decadent. The coffee was not bad either and packed a real punch, just the way I like it. 

We had a nice time speaking in our best possible English, interspersed with Italian when the conversation got stuck and I'm now to the point that I'm even starting to get the drift of that. My sister is in her third year of Italian lessons and will do three more years.

When I got home, the critters where waiting for me and I had to abundantly greet them, though I had the feeling that they both had been asleep the whole time I had been away.  I made sure that Gandhi got equal attention after Tyke hogged all of his. That's best done when she hops on the kitchen counter and I can pet her there, away from him. Of course, they had to be fed and ate their food with great appetite. Tyke always acts like I starve him. He's an eating machine.

It was good to sit down in my armchair and smoke a cigarette and contemplate my navel for a while. I hadn't done so all day. Some solitude is nice. I could be a Buddhist on a part time basis. I'm not disciplined enough to be one full time. Besides, I don't think they're allowed to smoke.

I don't remember what I watched on television. That's how little impression it made on me. I went to bed early and listened to the radio. It's a little bit colder at night now and it felt great to get under the duvet. I have to make sure that I get enough of it, because Tyke gets on the bed and pulls it away from me. Gandhi gets on the bed too, but sleeps beside my pillows very ladylike. 

The subject on the radio was North Korea and how the government there opens restaurants all over the world named Pyongyang, which really maybe spy safe houses and places to whitewash false hundred dollar bills. How true this is I don't know. It's all a hypothesis. The food is supposed to be very good. There's supposed to be one restaurant in Amsterdam. 

With that intriguing bit of information I'm going to leave you. I think I will take a shower.  I still have my head on straight, so now is as good a time as ever.

Have a great day!



Saturday, January 15, 2011


I always feel that whatever I write here has to be very inspirational.  That I can't just write about run of the mill matters here and ordinary things that occur in my day to day life. God only knows where I got such an idea. It's not as if this blog is loftier than my other blogs, so I shouldn't treat it that way or try to write  that way, otherwise I may get intimidated and develop writer's block and that won't do at all. I need to take this blog down a notch or two and make  it a reflection of how I really am and how I really think and not some blown up literary attempt at pretty prose. Having said that, I will now get down to business and write something plain and ordinary.

I've already slept tonight. I went to bed early, after I watched the eight o'clock news and found out about the latest developments in Tunisia, but I woke up after several hours and was wide awake again. The time it takes my 'falling asleep' pill to stop working. Now I have to wait for real sleep to hit me again. That will be some time towards the morning. In the meantime, I've had a cup of coffee and I'm now drinking a glass of milk, which is thirst quenching, but is making me feel cold. I'd better drink a glass of warm milk or a cup of hot chocolate, but the latter always makes me feel very full, as if I've eaten a meal. My gastric band can't handle anything substantial. 

I have to find some ways to amuse myself tonight and there are several possibilities. Looking for good templates is one of them. That's always a sport that I don't tire of. I can spend a long time looking for the right one. I'm also going to be looking for interesting bits of writing for the website Six Sentences, which I recently have gotten a renewed interest for. It makes me pay attention to the quality of things I write and have written. I can also go in search of images to accompany these blog posts. I do use them up quickly, but there are always more to find. I'll be looking for especially colorful ones as opposed to the black and white ones that I usually post. A body does want something different every once in a while. 

It's in the middle of the night now and I feel very good. It's so nice to sit here in the semi dark all be myself and to know that the world around me is asleep. It's not raining outside and merely cloudy. It's not all that cold either. I was standing by the back door earlier and it was very doable while I waited for Tyke to finish getting done with his business. He is a slowpoke and does take his time, unless I pretend to walk away and leave him there, but then he may start to bark and I can't have that late at night. It would upset the night rest of my neighbors.I do have one especially delicate neighbor who will let me know that he's not pleased.

I must be off to do other things now. I have dawdled long enough. It's taken me forever to write this little bitty post. I have made cigarettes in the meantime and checked my facebook account. Sometimes it's hard to stick to the job at hand. There are also emails to answer. I've seen those come in, but have resisted reading them. I do have some self control. I've got to wait for it to become morning so that I can go back to bed. It will be with much joy that I do. I will be more than ready to.

Have a good day.



Thursday, January 13, 2011

Frustratingly shallow...

I've been up for a while and have been drinking my delicious cups of coffee. It took me no effort at all this morning to make a pot. I was wide awake when I stepped out of bed and more than ready to start the day. I even had to make cigarettes, having depleted the supply I had last night. I did it with the greatest of ease, as if it was no problem so early in the morning. That goes to show you that I was free of grumpiness and that I immediately was in a good mood. I am an early riser and I get out on the right side of the bed. Luckily, my bed is positioned in the right place.

I have visited blogs and sent emails and now I should be more than ready to write a blog post. I just need for my imagination to wake up. I think that will take another cup of coffee. I wish I could visit the place in my head where my imagination lives and see what size it is and what form it has and if I have a lot of it. Maybe then I could learn to depend on it. I think a lot of times it is hidden by my need to want to be logical and to want to make sense. It would be better if I could give it free reign and set it loose.

Circumstances also dictate how poetic I can get. If I feel that I have to be in charge and be the responsible adult, I'm not as likely to let down my boundaries and give myself over to my more lyrical side. The one who spends more time with her head in the clouds and her feet lightly lifted off the ground. Like a balloon drifting around just without reach. I have been known to spend large periods in this state of mind and be very prolific. I was attached to the earth by a gossamer thread.

Nowadays, I try to stay more grounded than that and to have both my feet firmly planted on the ground. This does hinder the free flow of my more poetic ideas. It's hard to be lyrical if you don't spend time in the higher spheres. If your firmly attached to all that's worldly. I don't allow myself many flights of imagination. Nor do I see as much overwhelming beauty in the world around me. I've become a bit more cynical than that and I have to find a new form to express that side of me. I do want to see the beauty with unbiased eyes, but I also see the fragility of it and the fact that you can't grasp and hold it.

The love that you felt for things only becomes a memory when you can't go back and rediscover them. You can only continue to love them if you keep living with them and I have not been that fortunate. I have had a lot of experiences, though, and I have an enormous source of material to dip into. The fact that I don't do this, speaks for itself. I consider them a closed book and I rarely open it. I want to keep them locked up in the chambers of my mind and not wax lyrical about them lest I get too sentimental and teary eyed. I must not start to think that one stage in my life was more beautiful than the other.

I prefer to think that the one I'm in will turn out to be the best one and that this is the one that I will in the end be lyrical and poetic about, but in a sober minded way. The way a Dutch person can be lyrical in a stark and barren way that does not show too much emotion lest he makes a fool of himself. There's to be not too much passion. We are Calvinistic people, after all, even if some of us are Catholic and more Burgundian.

I still don't know where my imagination lives. I think it lives in a state of mind, though, when you're disconnected from too much reality and when you are in a loftier and more ethereal space where the air is thinner, high up a mountain somewhere, very solitary. Maybe that's why I seek so much time alone. To get in touch with that place, where the foothills and the shrub oaks live and where the sun shines relentlessly in the bright blue sky. It's only an illusion. The rain comes down outside and it's another gray day and that's reality and I don't mind the rain. That's been established.

I live my life accordingly and adapt myself to the circumstances, but I can make the best of them. Kindness abounds, after all, and that wasn't always the case.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

An early morning tale...

I am sat here with my usual cup of coffee and I find myself quite contend. I feel that there's not much that can go wrong now this early in the morning before the day has properly started. I'm still yawning a little bit, but another cup of coffee will take care of that. It's nice to be up and sit here and enjoy the early hours of the day. All is quiet around me and the animals are asleep. 

I feel like minor royalty in her realm, as if I'm the head of a very small state in which only I rule. All my subjects are sound asleep and all is well with the state of affairs. Oh no, I don't have visions of grandeur. Only the need to have peace and quiet in my life.  What better way to achieve that than to be in charge. It's only a very small kingdom I rule. 

My Wednesday personal helper is going to be here this morning and I must take a shower before she gets here. It will be nice to get that out of the way and to be clean and refreshed. I will have to put on some clean clothes and I will have to magically make an outfit appear out of the closet. No doubt I am capable of that. I always manage to come up with something.

In about an hour and a half I will take my medicines. I've cut my anti-psychotics down by half and starting this Friday, I will have cut down my anti-depressives by a third. My psychiatrist thinks this is doable. We're going to keep me at these doses for a while and see how I do on them before we make any more changes. We're going to cut down the anti-depressives more before we do anything else with the anti-psychotics. I feel good so far and I have a lot more energy. I'm not so sleepy and lethargic during the day.

Since today is Wednesday, I don't have an awful lot to do. It will be a fairly quiet day, but those are welcome too. It turned out that I did have a load of laundry to do, as I pulled some clothes out of my closet that needed washing. I'm going to change the sheets on my bed and that will make going to bed tonight an extra pleasure, although it always is. That's one thing I look forward to every night. Going to bed and listening to the radio while I fall asleep.

Maybe today I will get a chance to sit down and read my book, something that I've found impossible to do lately. I've felt that I've been too distracted to give it the proper attention. Since I've stopped reading in bed at night, I've found it hard to sit down in my armchair during the day and do it. Something is always pulling my attention away from it, if not my own thoughts that meander all over the place, but nowhere important. It's a very good book filled with interesting details and really requires me to sit down and give it my full attention, which is something I can't seem to do now, but I'm going to give it  a try today. 

My bookcase is filled with good books that I still need to read if I ever get around to them. I end up sitting in my chair and daydreaming about nothing in particular at all. None of my thoughts are very deep and heavy and I'm not solving any of the world's problems. I just let my mind wander and touch down here and there like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower. It's the most uncomplicated way to spend time. I'm glad I'm relieved of thinking depressing thoughts that weigh down heavily on my shoulders. That's all behind me now. I've passed that stage. 

Well, I'm going to read some blogs until it's time to make my move. The day is young yet. The sun won't be up for awhile. I'm switching to cold milk. I've had enough coffee. I'm very thirsty and it will be most welcome. 

Have a nice day!


Sunday, January 09, 2011

Potholes and speed bumps...

It's raining cats and dogs outside and I for one am happy about that, because as long as it's raining, it means it's not cold enough to be snowing and I can stand by the open back door and wait for Tyke to do his business without catching a cold. I do like to keep an eye on him at night, as much as that is possible in the darkness, because I want to grab him as soon as he starts to bark for whatever reason, though he usually doesn't, thank goodness. It's like he knows that he has to be silent when he is out there. He does me a great favor, because I don't want my grumpy neighbor upstairs to have anything to gripe about. 

Tyke's now sound asleep beside me with a full stomach, because he convinced me that he absolutely needed something to eat and pestered me until I filled his bowl, which he then emptied with much appetite. A dog with a full stomach is a happy dog, is my experience, and when Tyke is hungry he is a bother. He can only think of food and doesn't rest until he gets it. 

I'm supposed to be asleep, of course, but as is usual on the weekends, I'm allowing myself a late Saturday night when I'll go to bed whenever I feel like it. It is my one indulgence and I do so enjoy it, because I'm always in an excellent mood when I stay up. I feel like nothing much can go wrong and that the world is my oyster and that I'm the pearl lying in the middle of it. Everybody deserves their fantasy and I'm no different than anybody else. I do feel that a night well spent is worth the hours the next day that I have to sleep late, especially since it's on a Sunday, which is the one useless day of the week. A day of rest. 

The reduction of my medicines is going well and I'm not yet noticing any adverse reactions. I've cut back my anti-psychotics by another 2 mg and I don't notice anything unpleasant. I told myself from the start that it wasn't necessary to expect a bad reaction to reducing them. I could equally well expect a pleasant reaction, who was to say? I didn't want to walk around with a negative attitude and negative expectations. 

As of Friday I also reduced my anti-depressives and I've not fallen into a deep dark hole. It would be too early for that anyway, but I'm not noticing any adverse reactions from that either. I'm not going through withdrawal. I'm doing all of this under the guidance of my psychiatrist and would not dare do it on my own. That would be like playing with fire. I've gotten wise enough not to do anything like that. I do have to put my trust in a professional who knows about these things.

I've had my coffee and am about done with it. It tasted good while it lasted, but now I'm ready for something else. I think I'll have some lemonade. That will take care of my sweet tooth. I do always get cravings for sweet foods during the night and think of all kinds of delicious things to eat, but since I don't have them in the apartment, I'm in no danger of eating them and gaining weight. That's the best defense against that.  In my fantasy I'm always eating chocolate bonbons and vanilla ice cream, but I get over that during the day and have hardly any such desires then. I wouldn't go out and buy them anyway, except when I'm in the tobacco shop and buy a chocolate bar. That's another one of my indulgences, but I do have very few of them.

The lemonade is making me feel cold and I've just turned up the thermostat. A body does need a little bit of warmth. Now I've just got to wait for the apartment to heat up a bit. It will be pleasant in here in no time. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day. I guess my rain dance worked. 


Friday, January 07, 2011

Where was I?

I've put the radio/CD player back in the bedroom. I decided that I missed it too much at night when I went to bed. It was too silent when I was laying there waiting to fall asleep. I thought that maybe it was too much of a stimulus, but I was wrong. The radio keeps me company and I fall asleep with it on easily. It distracts me and keeps me from thinking complicated thoughts. That's very important. 

I'm not here by myself in the living room. The domestic help is washing the windows. She does a very good job at them, better than I could. She knows how to wash them without getting streaks. That's why she is the domestic help. She's got a lot of experience. Tyke is watching her do her work. He likes her very much and is always very interested in what she does.

It's noontime and I've just taken my medicines, all except my afternoon anti-psychotic tablet. I'm not supposed to take that now. This is in an effort to further reduce them. I think I'm doing okay, except that I'm a little bit grumpy. It's not such a horrible thing to be grumpy, of course, and I'm sure I'll get over it. I don't think that it's anything important. I'll mention it to my psychiatrist when he calls me later. I mustn't make a mountain out of a molehill.

My psychiatrist just called me and I told him that I was a bit grumpy. He asked me if I thought it was a sign that I was entering a different mood. I told him that I didn't think so and that I really wasn't too worried. I don't think that I'm going to get hypo-manic or depressed right now. At least, I assume I won't. He wants me to reduce my anti-depressives also starting today. We're doing this very carefully and I'm seeing him next week. It's good to have the extra control while I do this.

I shouldn't really worry about a thing and just assume that all will be well. I'm tougher than the absence of a pill anyway. I will not be defeated. 

It has started to rain again and as far as I can see, the street is completely clear of snow and ice. What a relief that is. It had stopped being fun quite some time ago. Now the river is very full and almost at the highest level. All sorts of precautions are beings taken. There's a lot of melt water from upstream that is finding its way into it from Belgium and France, but also from the smaller rivers here. Some land is being allowed to flood, it is designated for that. That's better than having some of the villages flood. 

It's 11 degrees Celsius (50F), that's quite warm for us. I have the bedroom windows open to air out the apartment. I had to go sit in my bedroom with the animals while the domestic help vacuumed the front of the apartment and mopped it. Neither Tyke nor Gandhi likes the vacuum cleaner and we don't want them walking on the wet floors. They do leave behind paw prints. That's really not that awful, but I pretend it is for the sake of the domestic help. 

I'm done being grumpy now and feel quite alright. I'm ready for the remainder of this Friday. I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet, but I'm sure I'll find some way to stay out of trouble. I usually do. I just mustn't show any kind of extreme behavior. I mustn't be too happy or too sad. That's a tall order. I think I'm up to it, though. I took a little nap on the sofa this morning and would be more than happy to take another one, but I think I'll go watch the speed skating championships on television. 

Have a nice day!


Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Being absolutely absorbed...

I've moved the radio/CD player from the bedroom to the living room and I'm listening to my music at random. Just picking out CDs that look interesting and that I haven't listened to in a long time. I'm not being too picky. I just listened to The Doors and now I'm listening to Queen. 

It's been very enjoyable so far. These are CDs that don't have too many memories attached to them for me and I can listen to them easily without much tugging at my heart strings. I have a lot of Cds that do and I think I'd rather not listen to them, so I'm avoiding them. I guess I do have some selection process. It's not completely random.

I spent all afternoon and the early part of the evening yawning and two hours taking a nap. I was feeling very sleepy, but I've gotten over it now. I'm perky again after two cups of coffee. That's what it took. I don't know why I get these attacks of sleepiness. 

I don't want to go to bed too early, because I want to have another good night's sleep like I did last night. I'm postponing bedtime as long as possible. I will get my pajamas on shortly, because it is so cozy to sit here in my bathrobe. That's the most comfortable outfit to spend the evening in.

I shouldn't have said that I was feeling perky, because I've started yawning again. I guess I'm doomed to do that tonight. I wonder if it has something to do with writing blog posts? I was doing that earlier too. No, it couldn't possibly. I probably just need more sleep than I've gotten so far. One good night's sleep doesn't cure everything. It's going to take a few nights' worth. 

I'll just have to get some decent amounts of sleep. Going to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night is not a good system. Even if I do go back to sleep early in the morning. I'm going to try not to do that tonight, just like I didn't last night.

I have to sleep until a decent time in the morning, because my personal helper is going to be here at 8:30 am. If I can wake up before that time and make coffee it would be perfect. I do want to be functioning up to some point. I don't want to be comatose. I can be very perky when I wake up and be in a good mood right away. Sometimes it doesn't quite work out and I need a little bit of time. 

I still have to find a battery for my alarm clock. I forgot to ask the Exfactor to buy some for me when he went to the grocery store. I think I may know where there is a one. I will have to go look there in a minute. I did remember to have him buy lighters for me, I thought that was very smart of me. I forget to write things down on the white board in the kitchen. That's too easy. God forbid I should do something as simple as that. 

I should end this now and get my pajamas on. I'll also see what's on television. My CD has ended.

Have a nice evening.


Monday, January 03, 2011

The other hand wants something too...

I'm sitting here early in the morning with my usual cup of coffee. It is still dark outside, so I can take it easy for a while longer. It is when it gets light outside that I feel I should get the show on the road. I think that's when the day officially starts. I feel more exposed when it is light outside and see no excuse to sit here in my bathrobe any longer. I must hop in the shower then and get dressed properly. 

I do hope that I find some exciting clothes to wear. I'm in the mood for something really different. I've been wearing the same things for a while now and I need to have a good look through the rest of my clothes and see what else is there that has my name written on it. I've lost enough weight now that everything should fit, if not be too big. My skirts are hanging on my hips, but I don't want to show my bellybutton. I will not bare my stomach. It isn't pretty enough. 

I'm really postponing getting out of my bathrobe, because it is so comfortable and getting under the showers is always such a horror. You don't know my shower, but believe me. I would care for a hot bath, but I have no such thing. My kingdom for a bath, but I can't give this kingdom away. I don't think the queen would agree with me. I will have to marry someone with a big bath. 

I was in a relationship with someone with a big tub. It was wonderful. It was like going for a swim. I should have stayed with him just for his big bathtub. It would have almost been worth it. I've not been as comfortable in a bath since. He also had a very good shower and I haven't been in a good shower since. The showers in the Netherlands don't impress me. I'm used to large American showers with enclosed shower stalls that are roomy and waterproof. Not these leaky, drippy things they have here. 

A woman does get used to her comforts. It's tough to come down in the world. You get used to nice things that work well and that turn out to be luxuries. Never take anything for granted that works well and that''s comfortable. Like your car, for instance. If it takes you places and is dependable, treat it with care. It will be your best friend. Take it from someone who has to ride her bike everywhere, or walk if the weather is bad. It's a tougher way to go if you're middle aged. Especially if something is far away and you don't go there at all, but for the grace of someone else who is willing to take you.

My coffee tastes very good this morning and it must be that special batch again that Juan picked in the highlands of Columbia. They're the very best beans, finely roasted. Ha, I wish I could afford them. I always get one of the cheaper coffees, but I think it makes no difference with the more popular brand. A gourmet coffee may taste better, but I'm not about to spend my money on that. There is a shop downtown that sells special coffees like that, freshly roasted. You have to grind the beans yourself. That would be a luxury. 

I'm trying to think of the clothes that are in my closet. It is getting a little crowded in there again after I cleaned it out. It may be time for another purge. The hangers are starting to embrace each other and clothes slip to the bottom, where they land in a heap. Given my distaste for ironing, this is not good. I do think that I have a vague idea of what I'm going to wear. That gives me some hope for the rest of the day and more courage to get into the shower. It helps if you've got a plan.

I must be off now to get the day started. The trash men have come by and made their noisy pick up and the newspaper delivery boy has also been here. I think it's officially Monday now. 

Have a terrific day.