Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Absorbing sunlight...

It was another lovely yesterday. The dog and I went for a walk in the afternoon and dawdled. We just hung out by bushes and trees and took our time. I noticed all sorts of plants popping out of the ground, some of them with small flowers on them. I don't know what all of them are, but I'm glad to see them. It makes dawdling more interesting. Suddenly I don't feel that I'm in a rush.

We went home in a roundabout way and the dog got to explore some seldom visited territory. He climbed into the shrubbery by the edge of the road and I let him. He no doubt thought there were very interesting things in there. I expected him to come out with all sorts of horrible finds, but luckily, he didn't. 

The sun was shining in my face and it felt good. I wasn't wearing my sunglasses and had to squint. Doubtlessly I'll get wrinkles by my eyes now. I must remember to wear my sunglasses if I want to preserve my relative youth. Ahum...

It's supposed to rain tonight and the next day, which is a darn shame. A person gets used to this sunshine and the long bright days since we set the clocks ahead one hour. That's agreeing with me very well. I feel like I'm finally on a normal schedule again. We should do like the Russians decided to do and always stick to summer time. I wonder to whom I have to address the petition that no doubt everyone will sign. I probably have to address it to the prime minister who I'm not too fond of. I would hate to beg something off him.

Regardless of the fact that the bookcase is becoming pretty full, and that I have a bunch of unread novels on there, I couldn't resist an offer of for three English language books for one low price and no shipping charges. I picked out three thrillers that I really wanted and should get them in a few days. In the meantime, I have to finish the one I'm reading, so I can start on the new ones when they get here. One of them is a Henning Mankel and I think I will try that one first. I do like Scandinavian thrillers. They are so stark and sober and I like the fact that they take place in another country foreign to me. 

Like I said, the bookcase is getting full, but I can make room on it by removing some older books that aren't so great in appearance. They are just filling up space. Sooner or later I will have to get another bookcase, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I've already picked out the one that I want at Ikea. It is a standard one that they always carry and I think I have a place for it, though I haven't taken the measurements yet. 

I will give a party on the day that I really fill up my bookcase. Maybe I can make it coincide with my birthday. I'll have to hurry up and order more books. No, realistically speaking, I'm not going to make that. I'll have to postpone that moment or I'll break the bank. I do have to consider my budget. Every book will be hard come by.

Have a great day!


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Erstwhile brave...

It's early in the morning, although because of the start of Summer Tine, it's an hour later than it feels and already I am running behind schedule. I should just about be getting ready to go back to bed, but since it's Sunday today, I won't worry about it too much. I can pretty much sleep as late as I want and I'm sure I'll take advantage of that, providing the dog lets me and he usually does. He's a patient animal as a rule. 

I am yawning and don't know how much longer I am for this world and I will have to type quickly. In just a minute, I'm going to take my medicines and they are only going to make me sleepier. They always do in the morning and give me the best amount of sleep. Of course, I've been up all night and that helps too. 

I just picked out the book I'm going to start reading today and it's a thriller by Elizabeth George. It's an Inspector Linley novel and I didn't even know I had one that was still unread. I was in search of one and ran into it almost immediately. I just started looking at the top of the bookcase and there it was, staring me right in the face. I will keep going through my bookcase this way, starting from the top right and working my way through the rows of books all the way down to the bottom. I will read what ever is unread and hope for the best. This book I have now is called, 'In Pursuit of the Proper Sinner.' 

I want to make the most of the day because it's the last day of the weekend. Yesterday went by quickly. It was gone in the blink of an eye. I have to get more out of today. I want to savor the day and each moment in it. It's almost a shame to go to bed in a while and spend the time sleeping. I'd rather stay up and read my book. Sometimes it's hard to decide what's the most sensible thing to do, as opposed to what's the most desirable thing to do when you try to get the most out of your day. I'm getting my second wind now and have stopped yawning. I'm drinking a tall glass of milk and it is perking me right up. Milk always does. It's like an ice cold wake up call. 

Of course, the dog is going to think that it's an hour earlier. He won't be ready to go for a walk yet if I stay up. The sun is coming up later and he won't want to go out for another two hours. That gives me some leisurely time to sit and read.

I think I will make a new pot of coffee and go sit in my armchair with a blanket wrapped around me. I've just turned up the heater and it should be nice and warm in here in no time. 

Have yourself a nice Sunday.


Thursday, March 24, 2011


I had the best of intentions this morning. I wanted to take the dog for a long walk and get started on my chores. I figured that after a good night's sleep, I would be more than capable of doing such things that were after all quite simple. All they required were a little bit of goodwill and some energy. 

Well, it turns out that the latter is what I was short of once I had gotten dressed. Suddenly I felt pooped and not at all able to carry off my tasks. It seemed that I had lead in my legs and the thought of going for a long walk just defeated me. I didn't think I could pull it off. Apparently I didn't have the energy that I thought I had woken up with in the morning.

Nevertheless, I set off with the best of intentions, willing to give it a try, but after we had walked for a while and it was time to choose which direction to go in, I chose the direction that led home again. It was with much relief that I walked into the apartment. I fed the dog and fixed myself something to eat, hoping that it would restore my strength and take away the tired feeling and then I had a cup of coffee, hoping that it would keep me awake.

The last thing I want to do is go back to bed and mess up my schedule, but I do feel a touch wobbly and like I need more sleep. I'm fighting off the feeling now and telling myself that if I drink enough coffee, it will go away. All I have to do is try and stay as alert as possible. It's a bit like having jet lag and having to adjust to a new time zone. I will try and save up my need for sleep until tonight when I can sleep as long as I want. With the combination of the old and the new sleeping pills, I should be able to sleep well. 

I have to do my chores, but I don't quite feel up to them yet. I have to gather the  wherewithal to do them. I know what I have to do, but the lead isn't out of my arms and legs yet and I'm yawning something awful. I am determined to get them done and I hope that in doing them, I will wake up more and regain my energy. I have to do laundry, for one thing, and I hope that the smell of washing powder will revitalize me.  I'll inhale deeply over the box. 
The Exfactor was just here for coffee and conversation and it has quite perked me up. It was like I stood under a waterfall of fresh water and I'm completely woken up. We talked about interesting things and had several cups of coffee and the dog was the cause of much diversion too. Isn't it funny how you can become enlivened by the presence of another person? I guess it has to be the right person. Someone who is perky enough themselves, which the Exfactor definitely is. He is a most talkative  guy and never short of subjects. 

The best part was that I got another package of clothes and I had sort of forgotten what I had ordered, being not quite in my right mind when I did. I had completely forgotten about that package arriving this afternoon. To my great surprise it also contained a cute little summery cardigan, which I decided to wear right away because the weather is perfect for it. I'm amazed by my own choice of it and should order these kinds of things more often in that kind of mood, although not being in my right mind is not a preferable state to be in. It does go with the many shades of color life comes in. It causes surprises. 

Now I'm more than ready to continue with the rest of the day. I can take the dog for another walk and do my chores. I feel quite up to it. I will even do the dreaded dishes, which I still think should be replaced with disposable ones. I don't think the ecologist in me will get away with it, though. Besides, I'd have too much trash. I do feel responsible for my share of the landfill. It's very difficult to be irresponsible nowadays. It must have been much easier to live in the 50's.

Have a good day!


Monday, March 21, 2011

Don't bite my head off...

I stayed up early this morning and did not return to bed to catch another forty winks like I usually do. I just didn't feel like sleeping and I wanted to get the day started because that's the sort of mood I was in. Bed didn't seem at all appealing to me, even though I hadn't had that much sleep the night before. I was wide awake and the day could start for all I cared. I was ready for it. 

I showered and picked my outfit with care and was pleased when I was put together. The effect was pleasant enough if I pulled in my stomach and remembered to keep it pulled in. I also have to remember to do more sit ups. 

I walked the dog in the silent streets because nobody was out there yet. It was too early and it was cold. There was frost on the grass and on the windshields of the cars, but the sun was out and it promised to be a nice day. 

When I got home, I did my chores one by one while taking little breaks in between to watch the news. It was during one of these breaks that I remembered that my personal helper wasn't going to be here that morning because she had a week's vacation. That meant that I had some free time ahead of me that I had to spend wisely.

I decided to take the dog for a long walk to see if we could find any more wildflowers. We walked south toward the edge of town and skirted it eastward along a green pathway. I saw some more buttercups, but nothing else yet. There were lots of green plants growing, but I could not identify them without their flowers. There was lots of promise there anyway. 

We walked along a neglected path by a field, but the situation was the same  there until we were in the civilized world again. Here people didn't have very exciting gardens to look at. Mostly hedges and green shrubbery, there weren't any flowers yet. It was too early in the year for much color. I think I had been expecting too much at the wrong time of the year. 

We finally made it home and I made myself some coffee and gave Tyke a milk bone.  Gandhi was sound asleep on my bed like she had not even missed us. She probably had lots of peace and quiet and appreciated it very much. Tyke was tired from his outing and almost forgot to bother her. She's had a very peaceful afternoon on the sofa. 

I decided that I enjoyed looking for clothes in my closet so much that I wanted to do it again and I picked out a whole new outfit to wear. I's something I hadn't worn yet and I'm equally pleased with it. I also decided that I needed to wear some different earrings, so I changed those too. This all makes my life more interesting. I do like to make it exciting for myself. 

I have to go and walk Tyke one more time. We won't go too far this time. It's very nice outside now and it's tempting to go for a longer walk, but I need to eat and I've got to make some dinner when I get back. Tyke's waiting impatiently. 

Have a good evening.


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Another terrific day...

No, I'm not being sarcastic when I say that, nor am I being hypo-manic. I just wanted to share my somewhat good mood as I sit here with my second cup of coffee. Of course, all moods are momentary and I have to take advantage of this one as long as it lasts because it may only be here for an hour. That's why I say now that it's a terrific day, while I should really say that it's a terrific moment.

I'm also very easily and quickly pleased. As long as nothing goes wrong, I'm happy. As long as I know that the day is going to be very uncomplicated, I'm thrilled about it. Since today is Sunday, there's nothing much that can go wrong and I expect no complications. It is a day of rest, after all. Better yet, nothing much is expected of me. I think that's the most important thing. 

Yesterday I had to go to the tobacco shop and I thought that was a complicated thing to do. Of course, yesterday was a complicated day for me anyway, what with the fact that I was trying not to go around the bend from all the sleepless nights I'd had. Riding my bike to the tobacco shop seemed like a very difficult thing to do and once I had finally done it, it was a major load off my mind. I bought myself a chocolate bar as a reward. No doubt that made me gain a pound.

It was a relief to take my old sleeping pills last night. I slept better and after I had been up in the middle of the night like I always am, I slept better in the morning too. The most important thing is, that I was not hypo-manic during the night and I avoided drinking a lot of coffee to create an artificial high. And, even though it was a super full moon, I was not a lunatic, although I would have expected it. Apparently not knowing that it was until this morning, made me not be influenced by it, although I have to say that I was a lunatic the night before this one. 

I've walked the dog and it is a fairly nice day out there. We have a hazy sun and pleasant temperatures. I'm waiting to see the buttercups in the grass. That will be a happy day.


Saturday, March 19, 2011

Back to the hunting grounds...

I've already been to bed, but decided after an hour of lying there frustratingly awake that I couldn't fall asleep, so I got up again. I figured that an hour of trying to fall asleep was long enough and that was all the time I was going to put into it. It's really not worth more of an effort than that. My whole body was getting restless, including my legs and I didn't know what to do with them. 

So now I'm up, drinking a glass of milk and smoking a cigarette. Of course I have to entertain myself and what better way to do it than by writing blog posts. I have to use my imagination, which I hope not to be short of, but I will try my best and dig deeply into my brain and come up with what I hope is the best. At least, what is the best of a somewhat dull mind late at night that's not overly stimulated by excitement. I probably should make myself some fresh coffee. That ought to do the trick. 

While I was lying in bed, all sorts of subjects passed my mind, but they all had to do with the state of affairs of the world, such as the situations in Japan and Libya and those aren't exactly optimistic things to write about. They happened to be discussed on the radio too and I wondered if we weren't forgetting other pressing matters that are taking place in the world. We seem to get so caught up in the immediate traumas that we forget the other ones that last forever without end and are ongoing and need our attention too. I'm thinking about the ones in third world countries and that we can't seem to bring to a satisfactory conclusion.

I'm not going to get caught up in a doom and gloom post however and try to fix all the problems of the world. I realize it's a big unfair place to live in and that I'm a fortunate person. I live in a still somewhat civilized western European country that's probably the best place to live in. I'm not going to go hungry or get raped by marauding rebels or have my limbs cut off like would happen to me in some African country. If people talk about reincarnating into another life, they never think they might end up as a poor powerless person in one of those countries.

It's definitely time to drink some coffee now and I've just started a pot. I think I'm a little bit too morose. You may not be used to that from me. I'm a bit of a cynic actually and I don't think a lot of these problems can be resolved by outside help from care organizations. It's the people themselves that have to come to their senses and have to take their lives into their own hands. Otherwise we have to return to some form of colonialism. It would be the only solution.

I'm drinking a cup of coffee now and should be good as new in no time. No doubt the caffeine will give me a more optimistic point of view soon. I will be like Pollyanna again and see the world through rose colored glasses, though I doubt that Pollyanna drank coffee. I wonder sometimes if it isn't better to live in oblivion and be ignorant of most things that happen around you except the most immediate. I feel impotent to do anything about most things, except to leave a small carbon footprint. But that's also because of economic necessities. I live frugally and therefor environmentally friendly. Nothing is wasted or bought in abundance. 

I've discovered that I like soups with pasta very much. There's one brand in particular that's like eating a meal. I can just handle one can of it and it's not too salty. It's got pasta and vegetables in it and it comes in different flavors. I had tomato with pasta tonight and chicken with pasta last night. They were mighty tasty. My gastric band can handle them well and they are nutritious. I always like discovering new foods that are easy to handle and that make me feel satisfied. I heat them up in a bowl in the microwave so I have no dirty pan. I never get the stove dirty that way and I do hate cleaning up the stove. These soups are better than eating Cup A Soups which have no nutritional value whatsoever. They're all sodium and flavoring. Don't be fooled by the advertising. 

I'm just about done with my stint of eating yogurt. It was good while it lasted, but now I'm tired of it. I've got yogurt coming out of my nose. I need to eat something else instead. I'm thinking of chocolate pudding. That would be a real treat for dessert. This kind is pourable and has the same consistency as yogurt. It would take care of my sweet tooth at the same time. I haven't been eating Nutella because I thought it was too decadent and I liked it too much. I did have to put an end to that. I do have to watch my weight a little bit, especially now that I've increased two of my medications.They do have a tendency to make you gain weight.

I'm not tired, so I will go look for other ways to amuse myself. Hopefully I will find some way to do this. I can't change my templates because I've already done that and I think I like the way they look. Maybe there's something else I haven't done yet that I've overlooked so far. I do always want my bit of intrigue when I'm up like this in the middle of the night. It never really does amount to much actually. I don't really get into any sort of trouble. Most of what I do is quite innocent. 

I hope you're all having a good night. No doubt some of you are sound asleep. Those of you who are wide awake are welcome to join me in my vigil. The more souls, the merrier. 


Thursday, March 17, 2011

The possibilities...

It's impossible not to jealously guard the time I'm spending here behind the computer very early in the morning due to the failure of my sleep medication. What looked like bad luck, is turning out to be a pleasant time spent fooling around with the appearance of the blog designs. I don't know if I'm done with them yet, but the first attempts are there. I don't know if I have the patience to endlessly sit and change them, but I do know that I will go back to them often and make alterations as I get in the mood. Whenever I have some spare time, I will do that. 

I'm still not tired and have to find ways to fill the empty hours until it's properly morning, although the time is passing by quickly. I suppose it's true that it always does when you're having fun. I'm easily amused. I really should have a whole bunch of blogs simply to have the opportunity to change their appearances. Just to mess around with them, because that's my favorite thing to do. It's like constantly changing the furniture in the living room around, which used to be my favorite activity. You just don't get as worn out changing the appearance of your blogs.

I already wrote another blog post for Miss Daisy and god only knows how many more I will write until it's morning. I'm on a roll now. I do have to keep myself occupied until the sun comes up and it's time to walk Tyke. It does get lighter earlier every day, so it won't take too long because we have not switched to Summer Time yet. I do look forward to setting the clock ahead one hour because it will be lighter longer in the evenings when you get to enjoy it most. I never did like setting the clocks back in wintertime and don't see why we have to. Whoever came up with that bright idea? I'm totally opposed to it. 

It's time to make a pot of coffee and to start the day to some extent. It's my attempt to make the time hurry up. I'm impatient to get the show on the road. I want to do things and be engaged. It will be wonderful to be out in the chilly morning air. It's still a bit cold out there and it's not going to be all that warm today. As a matter of fact, we're expecting a few showers, which I don't mind really, although I've come to prefer the sunshine. The wind is coming from the north and will be a bit chilly. I may even have to wear a scarf this morning, which I've not had to for a while. 

At least it's already Thursday today and the week is moving along at a steady pace. Before you know it, it will be weekend again and time for a breather. It's not been an especially tough week, but I'll be glad when it's over. I haven't really enjoyed the days very much and haven't felt in such a great mood. I've been waiting for my anti-depressives to start working, but I think that they maybe have now. It's sometimes hard to tell as my moods are not always easy to pin down and can be unpredictable and depend on how much sleep I've had. I'm sure I'll have to take a nap today. I always seem to need a lot of sleep and I sure haven't had any now. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

It's a tough job...

Even though daytime blogging is hard for me to do, I'm going to give it a try. I was planning on taking a nap, but the phone rang and that got me right out of my bed again. I'm not going back to it and I'm saving my sleep for tonight instead. I made a deal with my psychiatrist and my SPN that I was seriously going to change my sleeping habits and not get up in the middle of the night anymore to stay up for a couple of hours and blog. 

My psychiatrist is also prescribing another sleeping pill that will help me sleep through the night instead of what I have now that only helps me fall asleep. I have no problems falling asleep. As a matter of fact, I'm asleep ten minutes after I lie down in bed. It's staying asleep that's the problem. Hopefully these pills will help me. Unfortunately, the pharmacy didn't have them in supply and has to order them, so I won't have them until tomorrow. That's a bit of a disappointment, but I will have to be patient for another night. 

I get up in the middle of the night because I think it's exciting to blog then. I usually have a very good mood and a bit of a high. I think that the posts that I write then are much more exciting than the posts that I write during the day. This could all be an illusion and I came to realize that this past night. I was artificially pepping myself up with coffee and creating a hypo-manic state for myself to exist in. I thought I was writing down very significant things, but they really amounted to nothing at all. 

I want to stop doing this foolishness in the middle of the night and just sleep through it like ordinary people do. I want to go to bed at night knowing that I will wake up feeling refreshed in the morning because I've had enough sleep. 

I discussed feeling depressed with my psychiatrist and how you can choose to ignore those thoughts and feelings once you realize that you have them because you're depressed. You don't have to give any credence to them and they don't have to overwhelm you. You can choose not to sit in them, but put them in a pile beside you and leave them there for you to look at now and then when you feel up to it. 

You would not have most of those thoughts and feelings if you felt well. If you were in a healthy state of mind. Most of them you have because you see your life through very negatively colored glasses. That is, if you've worked through enough of the baggage that you carry around with you because of everything that's happened to you in your life. If you walk around with old unresolved grief, you'll have to take care of it. 

In spite of my good intentions, I am tired and I'll have to go to bed early tonight. I'll walk Tyke one more time and eat dinner and get my pajamas on. I'll vegetate in front of the television for a while and watch nothing important whatsoever. You do have to have times like that too. I'm sure there will be something like that on. There usually is. 
Have a good evening.


Sunday, March 13, 2011

A fresh pot of coffee...

What is there better in life early in the morning than a newly made pot of coffee? Okay, some fresh croissants would be very nice too, but I don't have those handy. The coffee will have to do. I'm very eagerly drinking my first cup and enjoying it very much. It will wake me up in no time. I'm quite perky on my own, though, and hardly need waking up. I stepped out of the right side of the bed.

Of course, I'm up too early because I didn't go to bed until late because of a barking dog, but I'm willing to face the day. I'm full of good intentions. As long as the coffee does its work, I'm ready for anything. I'm ready to fold the dry laundry, do the dishes, change my bed and take out the trash, which are all jobs that I need to do today. 

Of course, I don't have to do them right now this minute. They can wait awhile. I just wanted to show you my eagerness. I wish today was a day of major happenings, because I'm more than ready for them. I'm in the mood for something exciting to happen. Something unexpected. It would be nice if today I won the lottery, for example, but an unexpected visit would be nice too. I will have to prepare myself for anything at all and pretend it's going to happen. I have festive bones in my body, even if I have to celebrate all by myself.

When I'm in a mood like this, the impossible seem possible and the world seems within hand's reach. Anything wonderful it has to offer seems to be very close by as if I can touch it. As if I make part of it. I guess in my own insignificant way I do. I do feel part of a greater whole. I suppose I have my rose colored glasses on this morning. I will try to keep them on for a while and not become jaded yet. Because today is Sunday, I will not be cynical. It will be a skeptic free day and I will try to believe in everything that's positive. I will be like Pollyanna and in total denial.

I will start the day with putting on a very cheerful outfit. I've already figured out what it's going to be. Your day can't go wrong if you're dressed right, even if it's only for your own sake and to walk the dog in. Even if it's only to hang leisurely around the apartment in. It's your whole attitude that counts and it's reflected in your clothes and your squeaky clean hair and the air of good perfume you carry everywhere you go. You have to be your own party and good luck charm. A totem to your own womanhood. If I were an aboriginal, I would deck out in my finest beads and hand paint my body to ward off the evil spirits.

It's starting to be daylight and the sky is overcast. There will be no sunshine today like there was yesterday, but there will be no rain. We've left wintertime truly behind us now and are in the throes of early springtime. The temperatures are much better and there's no need to dress as warmly. Other clothes can be pulled out of the closet and my winter coat can be put away for good. I haven't worn it for awhile. 

I have to get the show on the road and walk the dog. He is impatient. He has spring fever. I think I do too. 

Have a good day.


Friday, March 11, 2011

It's not too bad outside...

I just walked Tyke in the not too cold evening air. It just started to get dark outside and I noticed that the days are lasting longer all the time. The wind had stopped blowing and it was pleasant out there. I hardly needed my scarf, but wore it anyway just in case. There were birds chirping their evening song and, although I can't identify them, it sounded pretty anyway. It made you feel like spring was on its way, especially since it was relatively warm and you could almost imagine everything shrouded in a green haze. 

Tyke is sound asleep by my feet now. He always thinks he needs a little nap after his walk. He will come around again in the shortest amount of time because he'll want to play or bother Gandhi. She's taking advantage of the peace and quiet by taking a nap herself on the back of the armchair behind me. That's where the yellow fleece blanket lies folded and she's lying on top of it. Luckily, she's stopped shedding all that hair, so I'm not in danger of getting cat hair all over me when I lie down under it on the sofa for a nap. 

The domestic help has been here and cleaned up the place. It's a load off my mind. I had been keeping up with the chores as well as possible, but everything needed a good cleaning. Because of the holidays, it had not been done in eleven days, so it was about time that somebody showed up. 

I've decided not to watch any television tonight. I watched the news about the earthquake and the tsunami in Japan all day long and listened to it on the radio too. I think I got an overdose of it now. I will wait until tomorrow to hear the rest. No, I won't. I'll hear it tonight when I go to bed and listen to the news bulletins on the radio. I'm sure they'll pay lots of attention to it. It isn't every day that an 8.9 earthquake hits with a tsunami as a result. 

Tyke has woken up and wants all sorts of attention. He doesn't really know what he wants, he just wants attention. He's already had a belly rub as part of the bonding ritual. I'll play ball with him next. 

Have a good night.


Thursday, March 10, 2011

No woman, no cry...

It's in the middle of the night again and I am up as usual. It's the same old routine as it always is and really, I would not want it any different, unless my psychiatrist gave me pills that actually made me sleep through the whole night. I thinks that's a pipe dream, however, and I won't hold my breath waiting for them. I wonder if such a pill actually exists. It would have to be a horse pill that put me completely under.

I do long for blessed sleep like that, but as long as I don't get it, I don't mind being up in the middle of the night and sitting behind the computer under the influence of my sleep medication and writing a blog post because it does take away my inhibitions. It makes it easier for me to write. I can turn out all sorts of nonsense without worrying about it too much. I'm slightly dopey and not to be held completely accountable. I will blame whatever idiotic things I write on the drugs. 

I suppose I'm like an alcoholic who writes under the influence of booze and turns out masterpieces. Not that I claim to write those, but I write a heck of a lot better when I'm under the influence of sleep medication than when I'm stone cold sober. I tried that earlier tonight and absolutely nothing came of it. All I was faced with was the stark reality of life and all its bareness and it scared me to death. I could not face it and write about it. It immobilized my mind.

I saw the harsh gray outlines of life and its grim contours and its unkind face and I didn't like it. It was all harsh cement and cold gray stone and unreflective glass facades and I felt intimidated by it. I don't want to live in a world like that. I want to live in a world in which the contours are softened and the colors are kinder. My sleep medication makes it so. It's like seeing the world through rose colored glasses. Call it escapism, but who do I hurt by escaping it? I still function in it. I'll be sober again in the morning, which it almost is now.

Of course, that's why I like being up so much in the middle of the night. I wouldn't like it if I were not under the influence. No doubt I would do everything I could to stay asleep or at least in bed, unpleasant as that might be. I honestly doubt I would sleep very much. 

Do I lay bare my soul too much? So be it.

I'm going back to bed shortly. I'll take my morning medicines and crawl back under the duvet. It's when I do my best sleeping.

Have a good day.


Tuesday, March 08, 2011

No sleep yet...

I tried to sleep, but found it impossible yet and just laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I spent an awful lot of time petting Tyke who had settled down on the bed beside me. He was a very happy dog. He chased Gandhi away every time she tried to get on the bed too. She finally managed to make herself small and lie down beside my pillows. Where there's a will, there's a way...

Now that I'm up, of course, I'm yawning something awful and I'm in danger of dislocating my jaw. I have to be very careful of how far I open my mouth. I will have to go back to bed sooner than I thought, but I want to postpone the moment until I'm falling off my chair from sleepiness or until my head hits the keyboard. Teardrops from yawning are running down my face. 

I can spend enough time sleeping because my personal helper isn't going to be here until 11 o'clock tomorrow morning. That gives me ample time to snooze, even if I have to do it in shifts, which doubtlessly I will. I have yet to sleep through the night in one fell swoop. I have asked my psychiatrist to come up with a solution and he promised to try and come up with one by our next appointment, which is next week. 

The Exfactor was here this morning to do the groceries and I have milk in the refrigerator again, much to my relief. I had been using that awful powdered creamer in my coffee and it was just plain bad and took the pleasure out of drinking coffee. I can also drink tall glasses of cold milk again. You don't know what a pleasure that is when you've had to do without for a day. Gandhi also appreciates her bowls of milk. 

I had asked the Exfactor to buy me some ready made salads and he bought me celery salad, crab salad and chicken salad. I can eat little portions of them. He also bought me some creamed soups. Wild mushroom and asparagus. Those ought to be nutritious and filling. Everything I eat has to be ready made or able to be heated up in the microwave. I don't have the proper pots and pans to heat up and cook things in. I also don't want to dirty the stove (the cooker).

It's time to go to bed now. I'm almost falling off my chair. Hopefully I will sleep well now, maybe until morning. We will see. 

It's been a pleasue.



Monday, March 07, 2011

On a sunny day...

I just walked Tyke in the sunshine and it was a true pleasure. I had not expected to enjoy it so much. I thought I didn't like the bright sun in a clear blue sky, but today I was mistaken. I went out there with some apprehension, but I immediately felt good and made the walk longer than I had planned. I think Tyke enjoyed it too. 

I was going to pay attention to the flowers that were in peoples' front gardens, but I forgot to do that. I was so busy paying attention to what Tyke was doing. He was scampering around at the end of the leash, trying to get into every bush and behind every tree we ran into. He was like a toddler set loose in the playground. I wanted to see which bulbs were blooming and now I still don't have the vaguest idea. I will have to try and pay attention at the next walk.

I thought it was going to be cold outside, but it was actually very pleasant. It did freeze last night, but it has warmed up since then. It really does feel like a spring day out there and it should. It is March. I know some of you still have snow, but I think that we can expect some better weather now. We do live in a temperate climate, after all.

I picked out a brand new outfit to wear and all my clothes smell of washing powder and perfume. It's a pleasure to wear them. I had thought about what I was going to wear earlier and when I got ready to get dressed, all I had to do was reach into my closet and get the clothes off their hangers. It's a cheerful outfit that matches the day and my mood. 

It will also get me motivated to do the chores I have to do. There aren't that many, but enough to keep me from reading my book for a while. I'm not too house proud and can easily let things go for a while, but my sense of duty does get the better of me in the end. I can be lazy for a day, but that's my limit. I do feel compelled to set things right after that. And if I look good, the apartment has to look good too. 

I'm not going to take a nap this afternoon. I really feel that it would be a waste of time. If I do get sleepy, I'm going to take Tyke for an extra walk. I may as well enjoy the nice weather. I only regret that I don't live closer to the countryside. A good walk through the woods and meadows would be nice right now. It's too bad that I'm a town dweller. Pavement and asphalt are not good alternatives to a country lane. 

I'm going to get the show on the road. I must do my chores before I can plan the rest of the afternoon. 

Have a good day.


Tuesday, March 01, 2011

No complaints...

I can't complain about the weather. It's cold and foggy right now, but at least it's not raining. Today it's only going to be partially cloudy and there will be sunshine and it's about time after all those gray skies. So, that's not something to be grumpy about. I would be grumpy if it were raining again because, although I like the rain, I don't like it non stop for a week. I crave some sunshine and so does the eczema on my head. It has been bothering me especially with the damp and cold weather.

I'm drinking coffee with artificial creamer because the milk is all gone. It only tastes somewhat bad. It would be worse if I had no creamer at all and had to drink it black, so I have to count my blessings. I can't wait to have milk in the refrigerator, but the Exfactor will be here today to do the grocery shopping and there will be lots of milk soon. I can then indulge in it to my heart's content. I have the Exfactor buy as much milk as he can carry and as his arm and leg muscles can handle on the bike without falling over. He is a very strong and wiry man, so he can carry a lot of milk.

I still have lemonade left so when I'm thirsty, I drink that, though it is not nearly as good as a glass of cold milk. Still, it quenches my thirst and has a decent enough taste and it's better than drinking coffee all the time, although I do enough of that too. I think I drink the coffee to offset the somewhat sedating effects of the medicines that I still take and I will be very happy when I've completely cut down on them and I know what is just me needing sleep and what was the effect of the medication. I very often need naps and I think I'm too young to start that kind of nonsense. I'm not an old lady yet.

I have to go see both my SPN and my psychiatrist today. I hope I make a good enough impression on my psychiatrist so that he will agree to cut down the anti-depressives some more. I've only got to reduce them two more times before I'm off them completely and today would be one of those times. I think I can convince him to give it a try. I'm doing well, so there's no reason not to.

I will go back to bed now for a few more hours of sleep. I will listen to the radio until I drift off. It's always very cozy in bed when I go back for the second time. It's when I get my best rest and my most interesting dreams.

Have a good day.