The Green Stone Woman

Imagination...

2012-01-29T16:01:00.000+01:00

Since I've quit smoking, I have the most incredible dreams. They could be whole epic movies in technicolor with special sound effects. They are so interesting. Even if I take just a nap, I dream. I can't describe them. They are too special and outer wordly for that. Believe me if I say that they make quite an impression. I would not have the words to do them justice.

Today is day seven of my not smoking. I'm doing well. It's turning out not to be nearly the struggle that I thought it was going to be. That does not mean it is easy, of course. I do need a certain amount of willpower or in my case you should call it stubbornness. I'll be darned if I'm going to light up a cigarette.

I can't anyway because I don't have any handy. I would have to go to my neighbor and beg for one and I'm not about to do that. Besides, if you smoke one cigarette, it would be like having to quit all over again. There's no such thing as an innocent cigarette.

For as much inmagination as I have during my sleep, that's how little I have while I'm awake. At least when it comes to writing a blog post. I've tried to write one several times over the last couple of days, but each one came to naught. I just did not have it in my to write an interesting one. I don't think that this one is going to be the exception.

Maybe that also has to do with the fact that I've quit smoking. I know that I'm super critical of what I write and that I find it hard to set my imagination free. Apparently I have to be asleep before I can do that.

The dog wants to go for a walk and I will take him. It relieves me from having to think of another thing to write about. It's quite cold outside and I will have to dress warm. It's freezing.

Ciao,

Nora

On food and decorating...

2012-01-26T18:44:00.000+01:00

That's one thing I've noticed since I stopped smoking. I'm instantly awake when I get up out of bed. I don't have to gather myself together much. I still need about half a cup of coffee to cheer me up a bit, but I'm generally in good shape right away. At least I'm not sitting here dragging nicoltine and other poisons out of cigarettes and doing my head in. That was a very convoluted way to try and feel good. Thank goodness that's behind me.

I can already smell better now and the coffee when it's just made smells very burnt. I guess I'm smelling the fact that the beans have been roasted. It smells less pleasant than I had anticipated, but maybe I don't have such a very good brand of coffee. It's the first thing you smell when you walk into the apartment, besides the smell of the deodorant coming from the bathroom.

I suppose my sense of smell will get better over time and I think this is a nice development because a lot of memories are associated with my sense of smell. An odor can instantly take me back to a moment in my past. It's usually something pleasant that I think back on so it's no problem. I look forward to it.

I had a bit of a slow day today. I had to try and find ways to amuse myself and it wasn't easy. I already walked the dog three times and took a nap twice. I guess all I can say is, thank goodness for the Internet. It does keep me occupied at the most boring moments. It and watching the news are good diversions when I need to fill my time.

I have to admit that I'm hungrier now that I've stopped smoking. My stomach growls regularly and naturally I feed it. At least, for as far as that is possible with my gastric band. There is a limit to how much food I can put into it. I do feel like eating hearty foods like fried eggs and salty crackers. I really feel like eating Chinese food and have a huge hunkering for it. It's too bad that I can't eat those portions, they are too big.

On another subject, the living room has got all its final touches and, except for painting it, there's not much left that I can do to it. I will always be on the look out for interesting and colorful items to add to the decor. That will be like a new hobby for me. I will also always look for interesting art, although I really think I like the artist that I have the watercolors of now. But you never know what I will run into. I will not exclude anybody else.

I think the living room and the bedroom will really be ongoing projects and that I will collect things for them and keep decorating them as the mood strikes me. It will be a little bit as if they are showrooms. That will keep me motivated to have them always in good shape and to spend time on making them look as comfortable to be in as possible.

That's all I have to say and that's more than enough. I do carry on. I've forgotten to watch the 6 o'clock news even. I've got to fry some eggs. I'll pretend there's fried rice to go with them.

Ciao,

Nora

It's alright now...

2012-01-26T08:33:00.001+01:00

I'm entering day four of not smoking. I've just taken my medicines and put on a fresh nicotine patch. It didn't feel as though the old one had stopped working. I think the effect is psychological also. As long as you wear it, you think you're protected. It doesn't matter why it works as long as it does.

Every day of not smoking gets a little bit easier. The urge to light up a cigarette is still there, but I get over the disappointment of not being able to quicker. There's simply no way that I can, so wishing to is an exercise in futility. I immediately have to put the whole idea out of my head. That's the best part about not having any tobacco in the apartment. There's absolutely no temptation.

If I don't manage to keep myself busy and distracted, I take naps to make the time pass by. It's one way to forget about not being able to smoke if it bothers me a lot. It's usually during the day when I've run out of things to do and I've already walked the dog a few times. I'm usually able to sleep for at least an hour or so. That gets me over the worst craving.

Yesterday I went to Ikea with my sister. We got there early in the morning before it opened, but already there were plenty of people there. I had a shopping list of things I wanted to get and just had to locate the items in the store and in the warehouse.

I got a rattan armchair to replace my other armchair whch I have put in the bedroom where it looks very good. It was time that I decorated the bedroom more also and I wanted something different in the living room. I also had to get the thick, soft seat cushion that went with the chair which was located in a whole different place in the warehouse, very unlogically.

I wanted to make sure that I got a good seat cushion because of the comfort of sitting down on it for any length of time and not getting a sore rear end. I have learned my lesson in the past. I also wanted to buy some throw pillows and I thought I had the ones picked out that I wanted, but when I actually saw them, I liked them less than I thought I would.

Luckily, I spotted some that I had not seen on the website and that had the colors in them that I wanted so the choice was easily made. They were to put in the two armchairs that are in the living room to support your back when you sit in them. They are also for the extra touch of decoration, of course.

I had to get a new curtain to cover the door that is between the spare bedroom and the living room that I don't use and that is always closed. The curtain that was there didn't fit in the color scheme anymore and was old besides. I had thrown it out. I had picked out the new one on Ikea's website and luckily it turned out to be as nice as I had anticipated.

When I got home. the curtain turned out to be much too long and I had to pin it up. Today I will have to shorten it, but because the sewing machine isn't working, I will have to fix the hem with iron on sticky tape.

Because of the paintings, the colors that have returned to the interior of the living room are red and orange. Subconsciously, I am now drawn to these two colors and gravitate towards them for whatever little touches I can add. They are both lively and cheerful colors so that's no problem. Both of them are in the throw pillows that I bought.

Except for fixing the hem of the curtain, I don't have much to do today. I had been planning on taking two creative therapy classes, but now there is an issue with the insurance company maybe not paying for them. It is up in the air and I have to keep my fingers crossed. I need to have a busier schedule. It is important that I am more active and see more people. I will have to make the most of the day in the meantime.

I've got to get dressed and walk the dog. It is that time of the morning already. I hope you'll all have a good day and that you enjoy your interiors.

Ciao,

Nora

Not smoking...

2012-01-25T02:20:00.001+01:00

I've had two days of not smoking now and I must say that it's not always easy. I think about cigarettes and wanting to smoke one a lot. There are times when it is almost constantly on my mind.

Luckily, I am unable to smoke because I have removed all the tobacco from the apartment. There is none here that I can make cigarettes with in a moment of temptation. I find that much easier to deal with because now if I get those cravings for them, I don't have to worry about giving into them. I can go ahead and acknowledge the craving and know that there's nothing I can do about it.

I find it easier to drink a cup of coffee without a cigarette than to drink a glass of milk without one. I don't know why that is. I haven't yet started to compensate for the lack of cigarettes by starting to eat more. Maybe that is because I have the nicotine patch.

I have been told that regardless, I will gain a couple of kilos because everybody does once they stop smoking. It's a small price to pay, I think. It has to do with the slowing down of your metabolism or something along those lines. It was explained to me by the person who I had an appoinment with at the doctor's office, but I don't quite remember it all now.

Enough about that. There are other things in life than quitting smoking, although it doesn't seem that way right now. I am sort of preoccupied with it at the moment.

This morning I'm going to Ikea with my sister to pick up the things I will need to finish transforming the living room. I've got my shopping list all ready to go and I know that the items I want are available. I'm looking forward very much to going and buying the things I need, but I'm looking forward even more to coming home with them and putting them in place.

Yesterday afternoon, when I was feeling unsettled, I took the dog for a long walk, much to the pleasure of the dog. We took a route that we seldom take and the dog was well behaved. He didn't dawdle everywhere. We walked at a pretty steady pace and when we got home I really felt that we had gotten some exercise.

When I still proved to be uneasy because of the non smoking policy, I went to bed and took a nap. I had changed the sheets and very gladly got in between them. The nap got me over the worst part of the cravings. It's funny that the daytime should be the worst for missing the cigarettes. I had not expected that. I thought it would be worse during the nighttime, like right now.

This is, after all, when I have the most fun and when I indulge in all my pleasures. I let it all hang out during the night, or so I thought. Apparently I'm not as out of control as I thought I was. I am, for the most part, just as sensible during the night as I am during the day. There goes my reputation as a fun girl. It's completely shot.

I must go back to bed now. I have nothing interesting left to write about and I want to go to sleep so it will be morning soon. I'm like a kid anticipating a school outing.

Ciao,
Nora

The year of the dragon...

2012-01-23T23:36:00.000+01:00

I'm very happily sat here with my second cup of coffee and it's still a decent time of the night. It's not even midnight yet and that's also surprisng to me. For a change I'm up at a more normal time. I don't know what's wrong with me. I may even turn into a quite ordinary person and start keeping quite ordinary hours. Miracles never cease.

I've had an enervating day. I spent some time redecorating the living room because I was not finished with it and I had to add some of the almost final touches. The real final touches I will add on Wednesday when I have been to Ikea and have picked up the things I want to get there. Then the metamorphosis will be complete.

I also got ambitious and cleaned up my bedroom which had become a catch all for everything that I had no space for in the living room. I got a big trash bag and started tossing things out and reorganizing. I rearranged the whole bookcase and emptied out drawers of obsolete items. Such a mess I had. I purged the whole room and did a bit of decorating there too.

Luckily, the domestic help was here also, so she could clean as I purged and between the two of us, we got the place looking spiffy. We were both very pleased with ourselves. And just think, I got all of that done just because of two new paintings. They were my inspiration.

I quit smoking this morning. I'm hesitant to say this in case I don't make it and start up again, but I have the best of intentions. I was thinking about what I could do with all the money that I spend on tobacco every month and suddenly was disgusted with the whole thing. In a flash I knew I would stop the foolishness. I said a prayer, put on a nicotine patch and quit.

Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment with the counselor at the doctor's office who helps you stay quit. I don't know yet how she does that, but I'm going to get her help as much as I can. Whatever it takes, I will do. I can't tell you that it's not frustrating at times, but I'm surviving. I have rubber bands around my wrist that I fiddle with when the urge to smoke becomes too bad. It does pass after a while.The urge to smoke comes in waves. It's not a constant pressure.

I must go back to bed. The urge to smoke is less when I'm lying down and the time passes more quickly when you're asleep. Also when you are keeping yourself busy. That is why I am getting so much done. I have to paint the living room and the hallway next. Yippee!

Ciao,

Nora

Watercolors...

2012-01-22T03:37:00.000+01:00

Yesterday afternoon, I went with my sister and her friend to a small village not too far from here and visited an artist's art gallery that was located in the barn of a renovated old farmhouse. The art gallery was bright and white and lofty and filled with wonderful framed watercolors in all sizes.

What set these watercolors apart was that they were painted with deep intense colors that were unlike your average watercolors and were so lively that they immediately struck you with their intensity when you looked at them. This artist, a woman who has been painting for many years, is known for this particular way of painting.

We spend a few fun hours looking at everything and trying to decide which watercolors we liked best because all three of us wanted to make a choice. We all ended up finding something after much careful study. I bought (on an installment plan) two good sized ones of close ups of red poppies and deep yellow tulips.

When I got them home, I had to give some careful thought about where I wanted to hang them and took my time deciding that. After I had done that, I spent some time in my chair just sitting and looking at them and enjoying them. I had hung them where I could have a good look at both of them whenever I sit in my armchair.

While I was sitting there I realized that, because of the paintings, I needed to make some cosmetic changes in the living room and proceeded to make those. I had to alter some things completely and add some different touches of color. I spent the rest of the time doing that, pausing every once in a while to take a good look to think about it.

I had to add touches of deep yellow to the decor and luckily found some things that matched the color of the tulips in that watercolor. I rearranged a bunch of things and will have to do more today until I'm satisfied. I also uncluttered and put things away and I will be doing more of that today also.

I had a thoroughly enjoyable time and like the watercolors very much, but then I did take my time choosing them. I like them better than my own art, which I'm too critical of and can't enjoy looking at. I've banned that to the bedroom. As soon as these paintings are paid off, I want to get more of them and I hope I can find such good ones again. I hope she is very productive.

It's fuuny how paitings can inspire you to have a whole new look at your surroundings. I had not expected that, not did I choose them specifically because of their colors or keeping my decor in mind. At least, not consciously. I was intuitively drawn to these. It wasn't until I hung them up that I realized that they set the tone for the rest of the room. I do know that less is more and that the living room needs to be unburdened.

That's my big adventure for this weekend and the activitiy that keeps me out of trouble. I should get out of the apartment more often.

Ciao,

Nora

Please skip the scepticism...

2012-01-20T19:48:00.001+01:00

I think the medication for my stomach is beginning to work because I can eat a little bit better without it causing me as many problems. Needless to say, this is a great relief. It's a great thing when you can eat something without your stomach going in an uproar. I can't eat a lot, but just enough to satisfy my hunger and I can eat four or five times a day.

I can't believe how much my stomach problems influence my mood. I used to think it was the other way around, but it isn't. I can be in a perfectly good mood until my stomach starts to act up. I get so uncomfortable and frustrated then. I stay uncomfortable for at least two hours, so it takes a while to get back to normal. It's good to realize which comes first. I'd go through life thinking I was one heck of a frustrated person.

I'm very optimistically minded, really, and I'm usually in a good mood. As long as my stomach agrees with me, I'm one happy camper.

The day went by quickly and I hope that the weekend goes by quickly also, although I do look forward to being a bit lazy. As a matter of fact, I look forward to that a lot. There's nothing better than lounging around in your bathrobe and making the morning last as long as possible. Postponing the start of the day with a cup of coffee and navel contemplation is very pleasant.

The dishes have been done, the bed's been changed and the laundry has been washed and hung up to dry. The apartment is all clean too. That doesn't leave much for me to do. This weekend I will have to start reading again out of self preservation. I have several new books to choose from, one of them in Dutch. I will have to see which language I will want to read in.

I have to watch the news and be a well informed person again. I haven't watched television all day. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Ciao,

Nora

Post haste...

2012-01-19T15:29:00.003+01:00

Outside it is raining hard and it has been almost non stop all day. Whenever I think about taking the dog out for a walk, it starts raining again so he has only been able to go out back. He's not too enthused about it and doesn't really want to be outside. Neither does the cat who's been very cozily staying in all day. I think we are hibernating today.

I'm glad it wasn't this weather yesterday when I had to go out twice. Once to go to my GP and once to go see my therapist and to go to the pharmacy. I would have been miserable on my bike if it had rained like this. I do always seem to get lucky and avoid the worst of the weather. It's usually on my days off that it rains so bad.

I saw my GP for the stomach problems that I have been having for quite a while now. I can't eat or drink anything without it causing me trouble and I very often have a stomach ache or cramps. I thought it was more than high time that I had it looked at. For now she prescribed some medication that should start working in a couple of days time, but I have to see her again in two weeks.

I also had to donate some blood to run some tests on and to also check my thyroid function which had not been done in two years. I was one year too late with that. It goes to show you that I don't go to the doctor enough. I kind of neglect that.

I had not seen my therapist in a long while and had to fill her in on the latest news. I did that in the shortest amount of time possible without making it sound dramatic. The conclusion was the most important thing to tell. It's what lesson you learn from your experiences that counts. How much wisdom do you gain?

I made an appointment with her for a month from now. I want to be self reliant and not be guided in every step of the process along the way. I think I should be my own support and inspiration.

I am well on my way to having figured out a lot of things now and I know that I can count on myself a lot when it comes to making decisions. I'm wiser than I thought I was. The wisdom just gets snowed under now and then by my sometimes fragile emotions, but less and less so.

The seed of optimism is growing larger inside myself and taking up more room. It's hard to get around its presence anymore. It has taken on a life of its own and exists whether I want it too or not. It is an almost independent entity. Pretty soon I'll call it the tree of optimism.

I think I have to take the dog out now. It has been dry for a while. I will have to take the chance.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Blue Monday...

2012-01-18T00:47:00.000+01:00

It was Blue Monday day before yesterday, but I didn't know that until after I had my own version of it. I have a tendency not to believe in those kinds of things if I know about them beforehand, but this time I didn't.

It's supposed to be the worst day of the year for whatever reason I don't know. The logic of it escapes me. I can testify to the fact that it is true because I had my own horrible day. After having felt good for months, and especially good the last few weeks, I tumbled down into the pit of despair and wanted to be dead.

Now luckily, this feeling didn't last longer than the Blue Monday was long and I did crawl out of that pit again and by the nighttime I was on my way back up. I didn't end up in a long lasting depression which very easily could have been the case too. Somehow my optimism came shining through and I could not stay long in that misreable place.

I was bound to stumble and fall after having been in a elevated mood for so long. I could not keep up the pace. Throw in a couple of minor complications and I ran out of steam. Suddenly everything became too much for me and I couldn't see the forest for the trees anymore. I felt completely lost and lonely. It was all in a reaction to what had come before.

At my lowest point, I wished myself dead, but I soon got over that and started thinking of reasons to live. I didn't reach for extra pills to make myself feel better. That notion didn't even enter my head. I did have a talk with my Higher Being and decided to not to try to force the issue but to leave it up to fate. Then I took a nap because sleep solves a lot.

The next day I was at ease with myself and peaceful again. I was ready to climb back into the saddle with a more realistic point of view. I'm not ready to go on an adventurous rde, I will just move along at a steady pace. Easy does it. I won't go battling windmills.

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk enjoying the solitude of the night. I just let the dog out back and outside it's freezing. There's a star filled sky.

I try to be efficient and self reliable. It's what got me here.

Ciao,

Nora

Comfort zones...

2012-01-15T01:19:00.000+01:00

At this moment, but pretty much all throughout the day, I want to take comfort in the ordinary little things. The things that don't require a lot of effort to surround myself with or to perform as rituals. They are all meant to soothe my mind and give me a sense of security which is sometimes hard to come by.

I should be thankful that there are always those times in the day and night that are sacred and that allow me an awful lot of peacefulness and serenity. They are long times out from more fraught periods during the day when I am more unsettled and on edge.

I blame this on the fact that my sleep schedule is all screwed up and that I often haven't had enough sleep at night. It does tend to make me feel uneasy. The best thing to do when I feel that way is to take a nap. Usually I wake up in a much better frame of mind.

Since I cut down on my sleep medication, I don't nearly need the amount of coffee that I used to drink and caffeine plays a much smaller role in my life now. When I wake up, I have one cup of coffee and I very often don't even finish drinking it. That's almost one less addiction in my life.

I have lots of tea in the kitchen cupboard and maybe it is time to start drinking it again. It is easy enough to make a small pot of it in the morning to see if it will suffice in getting the day started. I can try green tea with lemon or rooibos. I even have rosehip tea but I don't like the taste of it that much. I think I'll pass on that one.

I've put clean sheets on the bed tonight and I think I'll go try them out now. I know they smell very good. I've also got clean pajamas on so I'm all set.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Forgetfulness...

2012-01-14T02:33:00.000+01:00

I'm glad it is the weekend and I can leave this awfully strange week behind me and have two very ordinary days. The reason I say it's been an awfully strange week, is because it feels as though it's been filled with out of the ordinary events and that it actually contained more than the ordinary amount of days. The days went by quickly enough but there seemed to be so many of them, making it look like a long week. Looking back on it now, it seems like a very odd time.

I'm more than ready for things to return to normal and for me to find my natural niche again, albeit in a somewhat modefied form. I do take my experiences and the lessons I learned from them with me, but I can't put my old self overboard and conjur up a whole new person. I think I was trying too hard to do that. I was forcing a metamorphosis on myself that was too far removed from my original self and it became painful. I can't chuck myself out with yesterday's rubbish.

To thine own self be true.

I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk in my comfortable, warm bathrobe, but in my mind I'm already going back to bed. I think I'm ready to go to sleep so I can start the weekend properly in the morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping up the patter...

2012-01-13T03:08:00.002+01:00

Today felt like a weekend day because that's how relaxed it was. I must be getting really good at enjoying the weekdays when I have no commitments. When there's nothing on the agenda but ordinary chores, I don't feel any sort of pressure at all and I'm the most relaxed person on the block.

I hardly know what happened to the day, it sort of slipped through my fingers without me noticing it too much. Before I knew it, it was over and I didn't really have much to show for it. I was left with a pleasant enough feeling and I don't feel like I've wasted my time. Any day I end feeling satisfied can't be a wasted day.

That doesn't mean that I don't want any commitments because I do. I do want more activities to fill my days and I am in the process of arranging that now. My days are too empty and do have trouble filling them. I have too much spare time on my hands. I need to be more busy and be exposed to other people. I'm fully aware of that.

With the dose of optimism that I have now, I have no doubt that a lot of things are going to change over the year. I've had a good attitude change to start the year of with and I hope I can hang on to it. I try to reinforce it every day and learn something new as I go along. You're never too old to learn new lessons. I've had some real eye openers lately and even had one today that was a real Eureka moment.

Sometimes it seems that I go through rapid learning cycles and I process a lot of new information in a relatively short amount of time. It's when my mind seems to be able to make and see connections that it didn't before and come to all sorts of logical conclusions. It's possible that I have an alertness then that's maybe not present at other times. I guess the trick is to be alert more often.

I suppose I need to create those conditions in which I am most alert and sharp minded. One of those ways is to be exposed to other people and other ideas. I do need to be stimulated in my thought processes and to be challenged out of my comfort zone. I may be too complacent where I am and learn nothing new. Being in a different environment can be enough of a stimulus to get my interest going.

That doesn't mean that I have to indiscriminately accept every idea I'm exposed to. I do have to pick and choose what I find acceptable. Sorting through all the incoming information will be enough of a lesson on its own.

This was my little share of wisdom for tonight.

Ciao

Nora

For better or worse...

2012-01-12T02:12:00.001+01:00

Through the course of the day yesterday, the bug I had moved from my throat and my chest to my stomach and my belly. In other words, it made its rounds. I felt the worst in the afternoon when I laid down in bed and had a fitful sleep and stomach spasms. I was aware of feeling very sick and making it a point to try and not wake up and consciously experience it.

That did get me through the bad part, although I had the chills for the rest of the day into the evening. Now that I'm up in the middle of the night, I feel better and I think the worst of it is over. I don't nearly have the aches and pains in my body that I had and my head feels more normal too. It doesn't feel in a sick state anymore.

It must have been a 24 hour bug and I should be fine in the morning. I told you that I never do get properly sick like other people do for days on end. I get being sick over and done within the shortest amount of time.

Except for the bother of the aches and pains, it was very boring to be sick and I hope I don't have to repeat it any time soon. You can't do any of the things that you regularly do and on top of everything, I missed my appointment with my therapist. Food and drink don't taste very good either and are no diversion. At the end of the day I ate some crackers, but that was it.

I crave a milkshake, but I'm having some ice cold milk instead. I wasn't able to drink that yesterday. It's a good sign that I can drink it now without my stomach protesting.

I've got to go back to bed and finish sleeping. I look forward to being a healthy person again the morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Things to ponder at night...

2012-01-11T01:38:00.002+01:00

I feel ever so slightly ill as if I'm getting the flu. When I was lying in bed, I had the chills and I had a funny feeling in my chest as if a malady was settling there. I'm not quite myself right now, but I never do get properly sick and I'm sure that by the morning, I'll be right as rain again. That big virus that's been going around hasn't floored me yet. I seem to have a good immune system. People around me get ill, but I never do.

I've got an appointment with my therapist in the morning. I haven't seen her in quite a while. An appointment I had with her before Christmas was canceled and a lot has happened since then. You see that I manage quite well without her. It's not necessary to discuss every detail of what is happening in my life with her, but it will be good to touch base with her. I feel less need to have all sorts of help and back up and reassurances. I do feel capable of independent thought and taking independent actions.

I find that people close to me function well as listening posts also. I talk to them about things and they don't even have to give me advice. I just tell them what I run up against and make my own decisions. All they really have to do is sit and listen and sympathize as much as they can. It's for me to get the story straight in my mind. The Exfactor serves that purpose very well. He is a good listener without wanting to give all sorts of advice. I get to clear my head and put things in order. That's all I really need.

I think smart actions result from a combination of listening to your instincts and using your intelligence. If you ignore your gut reactions, you'll go off in the wrong direction, but you've got to keep your wits about you too. I'm unsure how closely instinct and intelligence in people are related. That's something I've never researched. It would be an interesting subject to read about.

I will go back to bed. I should take something against aches and pains. That's typical for flu, isn't it? I will wish myself well. I will imagine my body fighting whatever bug it's got while I'm comfortably esconded under the duvet.

Ciao,

Nora

Being in possession of my good fortune...

2012-01-10T02:52:00.002+01:00

The mission that I was on yesterday was a big success. This was because I was well prepared and in the right frame of mind. I also felt very strong and sure of myself and I was pretty convinced that it was going to have a good outcome. The person I was doing it all for also turned out to be more than ready to receive help and was very co-operative and open to all I had to say. She was further along in the process of discovering herself than I had anticipated. It was a pleasant surprise.

I now feel that I've succeeded at something very important and that a huge step has been made. It is another great beginning to the new year which is looking good so far. I have a very good feeling about 2012 and I think compared to last year, this is going to be a much better one. And I don't mean just for me personally, but for the world as a whole generally. I think women especially are going to play a big role in bringing about change. It started off with the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prizes at the end of last year and will continue into this year.

If I can be accused of anything it's optimism, but I refuse to see the glass nearly empty. That's not at all the state of mind I'm in.

I'm sitting here with a glass of milk in the middle of the night and I have to think about going back to bed soon because my personal helper is going to be here early in the morning. I do have to get up on time if I want to have a cup of coffee leisurely and get dressed properly. After she's been here, the Exfactor will come to do the groceries.

I can't think of another thing to add.

I hope you're all sleeping soundly.

Ciao,

Nora

The same, but different...

2012-01-09T05:06:00.001+01:00

I've already slept well and longer than I usually do. I made the mistake of waking up all by myself and in the process waking up the dog who was peacefully lying down beside me on the bed. That was a shame because he'd had no plans to get up until I woke him.

Once I did, he wouldn't let me go back to sleep, of course, and proceeded to lick my face every time I tried. I blame it on the fact that he enjoys my company. I enjoy his too and would have searched for him immediately if he had not been beside me when I woke up. We are that attached to each other.

I made just enough coffee for two cups, but I only drank one until my stomach protested and I switched to cold milk. I'm much happier now and my thirst is quenched.

I've not been drinking nearly the amount of coffee that I used to and I can only think that this is a good thing. As a consequence, I've had to figure out how to make a little bit of coffee in the coffeemaker and I've got that down to a science. I don't need so much coffee to wake up with. A little bit of caffeine goes a long way. My coffee consumption is cut in half.

Today I'll go on a mission of much importance and I've got to make sure that I'm properly turned out because I have to make a good impression. I have to look like the sensible good woman that I am. Or at least of what society's idea is of that. I've got to put some thought into what I'll wear. Somehow I think that will lend more credence to my words.

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Peacefulness...

2012-01-08T02:02:00.000+01:00

I'm having a quiet and peacful time despite the fact that I'm not in bed sleeping and having tranquil dreams. Instead, I'm sitting here with a glass of ice cold milk and a cigarette, in my warm bathrobe, enjoying the wee hours of the night. It will be time to go to bed shortly because I'm starting to yawn, but I will try to write a sensible post before I go.

I didn't change the sheets on the bed like I had planned to tonight lacking the energy to do it and promising myself that I would do it first thing in the morning. The plan is to get up early enough to do it and to not stay in bed until noon after which I would get side tracked by other things. I do want to have the dirty sheets in the washing machine at a decent time and feel like I'm seizing the day.

Sunday is not a day to be wasted on frivolous activities. It may be a day of rest, but I try to fill it with useful things to keep me busy and out of trouble. I admit, there isn't a heck of a lot of trouble for a middle aged woman to get into on a Sunday in a town in the Netherlands, but I always pretend there could be to give my life that dangerous edge. I do have an extensive fantasy life.

The cat and the dog chased a mouse around the apartment for two days and nights and finally this evening the cat got a hold of it. That hold didn't last long and the mouse escaped in the living room where the dog grabbed it. That soon was the end of its little life. It gave one final squeek and then it was over. The dog carried it around with him for a while until he finally dropped it and I could dispose of it. It was a field mouse that the cat had brought in from outside. No wildlife is safe around here. The cat has turned out to be quite a hunter.

That was the excitement for the evening and now at least that mouse is not hiding under my bed anymore. I did have some trouble sleeping one night with the animals trying to get to it. Only when they gave up on it could I go to sleep knowing that the mouse was behind the headboard. I'm getting used to a lot.

I've got to go to sleep now. I must get a certain amount of sleep if I want to get up early in the morning and get the show on the road on time.

Sleep tight and have a good weekend.

Ciao,

Nora

Once more into the jungle...

2012-01-05T21:06:00.000+01:00

I am deeply involved with a close family member's psychological problems and, although it is something I can not blog about freely, I do want to bring it to your attention because it's something that weighs heavily on my mind. It is a responsibilty that I don't take lightly and I realize how much depends on how well I deal with my involvement with this. I am called upon to be very wise and sensible and to think before I act and say anything lest I say the wrong thing or make the wrong move.

I wanted to paint this picture for you because I didn't want you to think that I just merrily skipped through life without a worry on my mind as I give the impression to. I have a tendency sometimes to be on the shallow side and not get into everything too deeply because of a sense of decorum. I can't give away too many secrets. Especially not when I blog about other people, but there is a lot more going on beneath the surface than I let on.

I am able to help someone else because of my own experiences. I have had many hard lessons in life and learned a lot from them and no doubt still will. I can apply what I have learned and discovered to someone who hasn't quite gotten there yet but who is exploring desperately. I won't overstep my boundaries and think that I will take the place of a professional, that is not my intention. I will merely be a helper in that process and and another person making it more insightful. I do realize the importance of my role.

I am sitting here getting mightily chilled because of the cold milk I am drinking. I have had my cups of coffee and I am more than lucid.

I am in the process of learning to sleep at night without my sleep medication. I am doing pretty good so far. I do still get up for a few hours, but all in all I manage to get enough sleep. At least as much as I did when I was still taking it so it makes no difference. I don't sit here any longer in the middle of the night getting that high that I used to get and I am glad about that. It was an artificial high and I didn't really enjoy it. I much rather feel like myself.

It is really the dog who I need to train that I have to sleep through the night. He does insist on waking me up halfway through. Sometimes I manage to settle him down and sleep for another hour, but he usually manages to make enough of a pest of himself to get me up. I guess it is a habit that is going to die hard. I am going to have to apply some psychology to him.

Have a good evening you all.

Ciao,

Nora

Great and small...

2012-01-03T18:59:00.002+01:00

I'm having my second much needed cup of coffee after experiencing serious brain drain when I got up from my nap this afternoon. I slept a little longer than I had intended to, but I must have needed the sleep. As a result, I was a little foggy when I got up and needed the caffeine very much.

I was reluctant to make a pot of coffee because sometimes my stomach revolts against it and I never know when that is going to be. I sat here bleary eyed and had no other choice but to make one if I wanted to get anything done and be in a good mood.

Luckily, the coffee was quickly made and the first cup not only agreed with my stomach but also put my mind in working order in no time at all. I was tremendously cheered. I felt that I had triumphed over evil forces and that the goodness of the caffeine was allowed to do its healing work.

Outside it is raining hard and the wind is whipping it against the windows. I don't think the dog and I will be going for a walk any time soon. The weather has been bad for the past few days and I don't know exactly when it is supposed to improve. I'm hopelessly out of touch with the latest news. I haven't been watching TV at all.

My daughter and her father are on their way back to the States. I'm in the process of getting used to their absence and that will take me a while. I must be careful not to fall into a big hole and I have to hang on to the sense of optimism that I got out of the visit. It did me a lot of good and I feel like a reborn woman.

I have made some resolutions for the new year and I hope I can stick to them. They are not too complicated and some of them are just continuations of ones that I had last year. Others are new and take some effort to get used to as new goals. It's easier to leave everything the way it was, but not wiser.

There is such a thing called emotional investment and I've decided to do much more of it. In the past I've always been afraid to take the chance in case I got hurt, but now I'm willing to invest. It's going to be a theme throughout my life this whole year and I'm going to put a lot of effort into it. It's not just going to be a hobby that I do on the side.

The focus will not be on me but on other people. My look will be outwards. I will not be self centered but social. There is enough of me to go around.

Have a good day, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

After New Year's Eve...

2012-01-01T04:06:00.000+01:00

I can tell you that I've spent a lovely New Year's Eve with my daughter and her father, just the three of us, and that was perfect. We felt like a family again. My sister and her friend and her kids had all gone to a party and we had the place to ourselves. We spent quality time together and rang in the New Year with a glass of wine and hugs and kisses. I couldn't have asked for more.

We watched the fireworks that were set off all over town until most of them had been shot into the air and I could get onto my bike and ride it safely home in the middle of the night. I did have to go home and make sure the animals were alright. I had locked them into the back of the apartment with the windows and the shades closed hoping that the fireworks wouldn't bother them too much.

When I got home, they were waiting by the front door and didn't seem in too bad a shape. They weren't traumatized or anything. I made sure they got their hugs and kisses too.

I had been worried about spending quality time with my daughter the last few days that she is here, but it seems that I'm going to have ample opportunity to. We have already planned what we are going to do today. All I have to do is get some sleep before we'll go and do it.

Of course, I'm still wide awake and excited from the late night I've had. I had such a good time. It was so enjoyable. I feel like I've reconnected to both my daughter and her father again and that now everything is back to normal. It feels like we are a unit with a common goal and that is to achieve whatever is good for the three of us and our daughter in specific.

I must go to bed, however, and get some sleep. I must be perky again in a few hours.

Happy New Year, everyone. May this be the best year ever.

Ciao,

Nora

Testing the midnight waters...

2011-12-31T02:36:00.000+01:00

I am very contentedly sitting here with a cup of coffee. I've just unfriended some 'friends' on facebook and I feel unburdened for having done so because it's always better to get rid of some than it is to add some. I had added a lot of 'friends' one night when I couldn't sleep and I was bored and I wanted some more excitement in my life. I decided to look for potentially interesting people, but after keeping track of them for several days, some of them turned out to be a little strange or only in the business of self promotion.

They were not the kind of people I wanted to spend precious tme on and I unburdened myself of them. I will look for more interesting 'friends' with a little bit more discrimination. Some of them are turning out to be real interesting and I may hang on to them. There are some nuggets of wisdom being spouted here and there. I do pick things up. As long as I get to pick and choose, there is no problem. I'm still in charge of that. I am not a mindless follower.

In the morning my daughter is coming back from her trip to Italy and I will have a few precious days left to spend with her. I have just gotten used to her not being here in my immediate presence.. I've adjusted to my life on my own again. I will have to make room in my heart for her again and make a big space to fit her into for the few days that remain. I have to emotionally prepare myself for that. I'm worried about the quality of the time that we will have and don't expect too much of it and then whatever is there will be okay.

I am more than ever determined to be an emotionally self sufficient human being in the new year and it is one of my New Year's resolutions. I think one's happiness and completeness should never depend on other people because you will most likely be disappointed.

I've already been on this journey of emotional self sufficiency for some time. I've started to look at myself as my own best company. although I am aware that I need the interaction with other people sometimes. I don't need a huge amount of it, but a little more than I get now. I'm working on that.

In the end though, it's yourself that you need to be able to live with and you shouldn't try to escape from that person. You have to be able to be a comfort to yourself. The only other consistents in my life are my animals. They are pretty predictable in their behavior. I know what strokes to expect from them.

With my psychiatrist's approval, I've started to reduce my sleep medication. I'm now on half the dose I used to take. They never did help me sleep anyway. I was just hooked on them and they made me high in the middle of the night. I didn't enjoy that feeling and wanted to get off them. Next week I will go wihout them completely. It doesn't bother me to have to do with less and I feel more sober minded. It will be good to be off the barbiturates completely. I will have no more mind altering drugs.

I will be off to bed now. I will have enough to do in the morning before I see my daughter again. I do want to have the time to sit and have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet before I have to get showered and dressed and walk the dog. There will be moments of reflection and preparation. But first I will have a good long sleep.

Ciao,

Nora

Filling my time...

2011-12-29T04:55:00.000+01:00

Optimistically speaking, it is early in the morning and I am apparently insistent on starting the day at this ungodly hour. There is, of course, nothing wrong with it because there are no rules about when a person is supposed to undertake such a thing. You get up out of bed and make yourself some coffee and find out that you are in a functioning mode and in a good mood. It's as simple as that. There lies no complication in it whatsoever.

You do have to decide what you are going to do with all those empty hours that lie ahead of you. You have to creatively and usefully fill those up. I do not lack an imagination, but sometimes I do fall short of the task and don't know enough things to do. That's why it is so nice to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes because I can wile away many long moments doing those activities, passive as they are. They seem to fit my personality which is introvert and pragmatic.

I'll be taking a shower early this morning and getting dressed before it's dawn. I do have a nice, new, long sleeved T-shirt with a pretty print on it that I'm looking forward to wearing. I will have to wear a cardigan over it because it's a bit chilly outside. It's warm enough inside because I have the heater on despite my concerns about the energy bill. I wanted to be comfortable and only knew of one way besides wearing my warm bathrobe. It's awful anyway to take a shower in a cold bathroom. Brrr...

The dog will be happy because he'll get to go for a walk early too. There's still a clear sky outside, but it's supposed to rain later today and not get much warmer. I hope it waits with raining for a while because I have to go to the tobacco shop first thing when it opens. I will probably be their first customer and an eager one too. I'm almost out of tobacco and may have to wear a nicotine patch for a while. It would be a good time to quit actually. Only I don't think that I have the courage for it right now. I have to be in the right frame of mind. That counts for a lot too.

In another two days my daughter and her father will be back from Italy. I am very happy about that and do have enough patience for that. Two days are manageable. I know that they are having a good time and that helps a lot too. I do want their vacation to be something that they can look back on with pleasure. The fact that I miss my daughter pales in comparison. I can't be selfish and think of only me. I do want the last days that I spend with her to be of quality. I will make sure of that.

The coffee tastes awfully good. It is from Starbuck's and my daughter brought me an enormous package of it. I wasn't sure at first if I was going to like it, but I did after the initial pot of it. I had to adjust the dose of ground coffee that I put in the filter, but got it right the second time around. Now I'm an old pro at making it.

I hope you'll al have a really good day. I'm planning on one myself. So is the dog, I think.

Ciao,

Nora

On the rebound...

2011-12-28T17:37:00.001+01:00

After I wrote my last post in the middle of the night, I managed to sleep for nine hours and as a result I have felt like a new woman all day today. I needed that sleep very much as I was begining to go a little batty. I seriously started to question the workings of my mind. It was all due to the shortage of sleep, it now seems, and I feel ever so much relieved. Questioning your own mind is a terrible thing to do. I don't recommend it to anyone.

On top of everything, I just took a nap. It was delicious and I am now recuperating from it with a cup of coffee. The coffee is going down very well and is making the gears of my brain get unstuck out of the sleep position.

I'm staying in touch with my daughter through Facebook and know where she is because of it. She was last at the Trevi fountain in Rome. I'm sure she will check in again this evening. Facebook is very good for keeping track of people providing they want you to be able to. What would I do without it? Sit on pins and needles, most likely.

The dog is just happy that I'm home and not gone all the time. He sure does appreciate that. He rewards me by being very sweet and agreeable. He's such a good animal anyway. Most of the time he's a pleasure to have around. He does have his shenanigans, but that's normal. He wouldn't be your average dog if he didn't.

I briefly had my closet door open and the cat took the opportunity and immediately climbed to the top shelf where the sweaters are. She's been sound asleep there all day. I guess she had a hunkering to hibernate. She couldn't have found a cozier spot and I would have done the same thing if I were a cat. She does trust me not to lock her up in there.

I have to go walk the dog. It is that time of the evening again. He's sound asleep on the ground beside me, but he'll notice me get up right away. He's got a radar for that kind of thing.

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Finally, in the end...

2011-12-28T01:21:00.002+01:00

I will write a blog post if it's the last thing I do. I have tried it several times in the last few days but always got discouraged and deleted them. I felt I had nothing news worthy to say and that all my words amounted to nothing at all. I will now make an honest attempt to finish writing one and put some effort into it. I won't get discouraged after just two paragraphs.

I'm sitting here late at night hoping that I will not have another sleepless one like I've had for the past few nights. The lack of sleep has plain worn me out and I have been unable to take naps during the day to make up for it. It's been a real bother and I have gotten wired as a result, but tonight I am at least a bit more mellow and relaxed so that bodes well. I may just be able to go to sleep later.

I have been keeping myself occupied during the sleepless hours with Facebook which I rejoined after a year long sabbatical. I'm as hooked as I ever was, it is so addictive. There are some new features that make it more attractive to use and, of course, that makes matters worse. I feel that I should go to Facebook Anonymous and make a confession. "Hi, my name is Nora and I'm a Facebook addict."

It's plain ridiculous, of course, and I'm sure I'll get over it again. It's just a phase I'm going through. It has to do with temporarily having to miss my daughter. I'm taking that kind of hard and I can't wait for her to come back from Italy. I'm unsettled as a result of it. I'm completely off my 'a propos.'

That's why it's so important that I sit here and write this completely normal post. I need to do something very standard so that I will feel as normal as possible. I need to tell you that I will have a glass of ice cold milk in a little while to quench my thirst and to get me ready for bed. If I don't do that, I will stay lost in the confusion.

Of course, I have nothing left to write about now. There are things I can't tell you because they concern other people and I'm not at liberty to talk about them, although they do effect me. That's my dilemma. It's tough, but that's the way it is. A lot more would become clear to you.

I hope you're all well.

Ciao,

Nora

On the second Christmas day....

2011-12-26T04:38:00.000+01:00

Because my daughter and her father will be going to Italy with my sister and her friend for a few days in the morning, I will have some time to myself and no need to get up early and to be dressed on time. I can be lazy and go as slow as I want. Once I finally get the show on the road, I will have to find a place for all the Christmas presents I got because I haven't had a chance to do that yet.

The apartment is not that big and whenever new things come into it, a place has to be found for them and some rearranging has to be done. I got a lot of personal care products, so I need to empty a shelf in the bathroom to put them on. I always have to try to get things down to the very basics and not waste any space. Choices need to be made about what is obsolete and can be thrown out. And it can never be regretfully so.

I got four new books and those need a place on the bookcase. Needless to say, they have a high priority to get read and I will do my utmost best to do that as soon as possible because they were all chosen with care. I will have to make it a point to sit down and read for a while every day in my armchair and do nothing else. It will be good training for my mind and my attention span. It will prevent my thoughts from drifting and that's something that definitely needs to happen.

I got some anklet socks that are very soft and infused with some kind of lotion and I'm supposed to put them on after I have given myself a proper wellness treatment with all my personal care products, which I will do today. I've also gotten a nice set of lounge wear which I will wear tonight. I will treat myself nicely today and make it as special as I can. It will be my day off as far as that is possible with the dog. It's too bad that he needs to get walked or I would wear the lounge wear all day long.

Yesterday we went to Aachen, in Germany, and walked around downtown and visited Charlemagne's beautiful cathedral. The weather wasn't all that great, it was drizzling and cold, and we found a safe haven in a cozy cafe where we had something hot to drink. There was no sitting out on a heated terrace. Apparently the Germans don't do that kind of thing. I had a cappuccino with whipped cream and felt very decadent. That's not on the menu in the Netherlands.

I should go back to bed now but I find myself wide awake. That is a bit of a problem. I doubt that I'd fall asleep now. I seem to be in the wrong time zone again. I'll have to find some way to keep myself busy until I get tired enough to go to bed. I will go find a place for all the Christmas presents.

Have a good day you all.

Ciao,

Nora

Exhausted!!!

2011-12-25T03:16:00.001+01:00

I'm so tired as I'm sitting here in the middle of the night. I got up early this morning and have had a long day and I haven't slept yet. It was late when I got home tonight and I needed some time to unwind before I could go to sleep, but I really think I'm properly unwound now and just about ready to go to bed.

I'm punch drunk with sleep and feeling kind of pleasant as a result and I'm taking advantage of this alternative mood to try and write a post to see what I'll come up with. It's like being on drugs and trying to act normal. I think I may be able to get away with it but I'm not sure. I don't know if I'll make sense. I'm having a cup of coffee to get me a little bit back to more normal.

After I had found a good outfit to wear this morning and had taken care of the fog and the cat, I rode my bike to my sister's house to see my daughter and her father. They were in the process of getting showered and dressed, but my daughter and sister and I did take the opportunity to look through the large collection of cosmetics that my sister's friend had brought back from the company in Milan. There were lipsticks and mascaras and eyeliners and eyeshadows and blushers and foundations.

We took our time looking through everything and picked out the best colors that matched us and were much content. We all felt like we had been kids turned out in the toyshop where we had got to pick the best toys for free. It is nice to have good connections.

After everybody had had their expressos and cappuccinos, my daughter and her father and I rode bikes into town to do Christams shopping and taste the general festive atmosphere. It was busy, but not overly crowded and we were successful in our mission and found what we were looking for. We had lunch on a restaurant terrace that was heated and where each chair also had a blanket for warmth. My daughter and her father had typical Dutch specialties that they had been looking forward to eating.

On the way back, we stopped by my apartment to let out the dog and for me to take my medications. The dog was very happy to see us and to go out back and do a piddle. The cat was also very curious about the company and hung around to see what was happening. I hated to leave them behind again, but at least I knew they were alright and that they were taken care of.

When we got to my sister's house, presents had to be wrapped. I had already put my presents under the Christmas tree and the collection kept growing making it look quite exciting. I did notice that a lot of the presents had my name on it and I grew very curious.

Earlier in the day, my sister has given me a very nice handbag because I had mentioned to her that I was going to buy a new one for myself that day. That was to prevent me from getting one. It's a knock off of a designer bag and it looks great and has lots of room in it for everything I carry with me. I felt proud as a peacock for carrying it. I am that kind of woman. But it's not a copy of your regular designer bag. I wouldn't be caught dead with one of those.

My sister prepared all sorts of foods that we slowly started eating over the course of the evening. Even I had some of it. She made too much and everybody was stuffed.

We took our time opening the presents one by one and I have to say that I made out like a bandit. I got very spoiled and got very nice things. I was almost embarrassed by how thoughtful people had been. But everybody was happy with their presents and we all did well. There were no sad faces. The process did last so long that we were all exhausted at the end of it.

I had some trouble taking all my loot home on my bike but managed it in the end by careful arranging. I did make it home in one piece.

I've gotten a bit of a second wind now from that cup of coffee and will stay up a while longer. I'll sleep late in the morning. I told everyone not to expect me too early. You don't have to sit on top of each other all the time. Some time alone is good too.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you get as spoiled as I did.

Ciao,

Nora

Good intentions...

2011-12-24T01:02:00.000+01:00

I went to bed on time with the intention to get a good night's sleep, but the dog had other ideas. He had felt neglected because I had been away from home for a long time today and he wanted some attention and company. He didn't want me to go to sleep and kept me awake. There was no other solution but to get up again.

I cuddled him extensively and petted him until he was satisfied and started chewing on a rawhide bone. Now he's asleep in the armchair and I'm sitting here temporarily wide awake. Both he and the cat were waiting behind the front door when I came home this evening and Tyke acted like I'd been gone on a long journey. His happiness to see me knew no bounds. If he could have jumped in my arms, he would have done so.

I had been at my sister's house where my daughter and her father will be staying because she has the spare room for guests. Her house is bigger than my apartment. We can all move around a little easier there in a larger group because her children are there also and there would be no room for everybody here.

It was a great thing to see my daughter and it was the most natural and comfortable thing in the world. I felt no awkwardness whatsoever. The first thing she said to me was, "Mom, you're so little!" I had to laugh at that, because I guess I am now compared to when she saw me last. I have shrunk quite a bit and am just a shadow of the person I was for a few unfortunate years.

She looked fantastic and quite like the successful career woman she's become. She's got her head on straight. She's a smart cookie and knows what she's doing and I'm very proud of what she's achieved in life and aims to achieve still. It's great to watch a success story take place.

Tomorrow we're going to be celebrating Christmas and exchange presents in the evening while we eat our way through a lot of food that my sister will have prepared. I will nibble. In the afternoon we will go downtown to do some final shopping and to have cappuccinos in a sidewalk cafe where there will be heaters under the awnings. It should be quite busy in town with everyone doing their final bit of shopping. The stores will be closing early at 5 pm causing a stampede most likely.

I've got to think of another good outfit to wear tomorrow, but I'm sure something good will pop out of the closet.

I've got to go to bed now and set the alarm clock so I'll get up at a decent time in the morning. I can't dawdle long over a cup of coffee. I will have to get the show on the road in a somewhat speedy manner. I've got a nice day to look forward to.

Ciao,

Nora

Gently making it through the night...

2011-12-23T05:03:00.000+01:00

I'm too excited to sleep, of course, because today is the day that my daughter and her father arrive. That is a big occasion and one I have been looking forward to. I've spent the last few days doing chores and wrapping the last presents for Christmas and generally preparing myself mentally for the big day.

This morning I have to get myself in spiffy condition and make sure I look my best because first impressions count and I want to make a good first impression. I've picked out my outfit and have to redo my nails and make sure my hair looks good. Then I've got to face the day with a cheerful face that's well made up. Not too much make up so as to not look artificial.

My daughter posted photos of herself and her father on the airplane on Facebook. Her father had upgraded their flight to first class so they're traveling in style and comfort. As far as I'm concerned, that's the only way to travel intercontinental. It's ever so much better than being crammed like a sardine into economy class on such a long flight. I always like it when exonomy class is overbooked and I get upgraded to business class. I think that's a real luxury.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here drinking a glass of cold milk and I've just taken my morning dose of medicines. I'm really taking my time writing this because my thoughts keep drifting off to other subjects. I'm doing an awful lot of daydreaming. It's amazing how one thought will trigger a whole series of memories to come to the surface. Before I know it, I'm all caught up in them. That's a bad habit. I mustn't live in the past.

I think I will go take a shower and slowly get the show on the road. There's lots of time to do all the things I want to do. I may even get some sleep later on. The sun's not up yet so the day hasn't officially started yet.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

From the broad point of view...

2011-12-21T06:15:00.000+01:00

Totally not discombobulated, I sit here early in the morning with my second cup of coffee feeling pretty pleased with myself. I have no specific reason to other than that it's morning and that the day is about to start and that I'm more than ready for it. Call them the little pleasures of life that thrill me. This morning they do. The coffee tastes especially nice and I've slept well. I can almost pretend that my life is always this simple and straight forward. And why not?

It's the run up to Christmastime and the day that my daughter will be here. The countdown has begun and I'm almost done with my preparations. A present that I had ordered on line arrived here yesterday and I have only one more thing to get. I have enough wrapping paper left and more than enough cellotape. I have some chores to do in the next two days and those will keep me busy and have the apartment look good. It will be a pleasure to get them done. There will be a real purpose behind my actions.

The Exfactor will be here this morning and we will make a grocery list together. I don't want to overburden him with things to get, but we must count on the holiday season and the times that the supermarket will be closed. Christmas is a two day holiday here. It will also be good to see his face and to have a cup of coffee and to generally have a chat. I feel like it's been ages since I've done that, although in reality it hasn't. It's just been a while since I've seen a living human being. I'm starved for company.

It will be good to get the show on the road, although it is a little early to do that now. I can't run the washing machine yet because it would wake up the neighbors, so whatever chore I do, it will have to be a silent one. I think changing the bed would be a good one. I won't get dressed yet, but rummage around in my bathrobe first. It's good to be up early and to feel that you have lots of time to do all the things that you need to do. There's no rush and you're not under any kind of pressure.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Dream a little dream of me...

2011-12-20T04:09:00.000+01:00

I'm sitting here in my bathrobe with cold hands and cold ankles. I only have myself to blame because I haven't turned up the heater. I want to be stoic and pretend I don't need to because I will go back to bed again shortly. Besides, it really isn't that cold in here and the rest of me is warm enough. It's only the exposed bits that are chilled. I did just started drinking cold milk so the inside of me will be chilled too soon.

I didn't have an internet connection when I first got up, but I had been warned by my provider that I might not have because they were going to be working on the network during the night. After waiting patiently for some time and reconnecting the modem a few times, I had my connection back and could do all the fun things I'm used to doing when I get up during the night. I do have to perform my rituals before I can go back to sleep.

Yesterday I received a Christmas care package that I'm sure my personal helper arranged for me. It was rather a large box and in it were all sorts of good foods that are perfect for this holiday season. It will keep me from having to buy some things that I had on my shopping list. There was even a bottle of wine in it and a package of coffee. It was a complete surprise as I had not expected one this year.

Yesterday was sort of an odd day. I felt out of sorts and couldn't concentrate on anything. I was aware of the fact that things needed to get done, but I felt unable to do them. I decided in the end that the day was going to be a waste and not to worry about it and that I would catch up later when I felt better. I didn't get back to normal until the evening when I finally landed back to earth and felt connected again. By that time I had to go to bed, but at least I went to sleep in a good state of mind.

Of course now, during the night, I'm very capable of rational thought and I can think about the day ahead with much clarity and it all seems very simple. I hope I still feel that way when I get up again in a few hours. I always have much courage during the night, but it seems to leave me during the daytime hours.

I will go back to bed now and get under the warm duvet. Outside it is very cold and it feels like -11C. At least it isn't snowing.

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

A hill of beans...

2011-12-19T02:23:00.000+01:00

I'm up enjoying my cups of coffee and not worrying about what time I have to get up in the morning because absolutely nobody is going to be here during the day. No personal helper and no domestic help. This is partly due to circumstances and partly due to the holidays. I'm not complaining because I don't mind having a day off. I'm sure I'll get through it just fine. There's always something to do.

I'll make it up as I go along. I'm sure I'll manage to keep myself out of the worst trouble. What's a middle aged woman to do anyway when she's home all by herself? There aren't an awful lot of things that can go wrong. At the most I may indulge in a lot of television watching. I'll certainly watch a lot of news and be very well informed. I'll have my finger on the pulse. Ha!

I know I'll have to do whatever I can not to be bored and I'll have to spend a lot of time meditating to fill in the empty moments so I won't go mad. There will be lots of contemplating my navel in quiet solitude. That's one way to get through the day. Luckily, I'm good at that and I don't easily tire of that exercise. I do enjoy the peaceful feeling it affords me. It's good if you can tolerate your own company and don't feel like fleeing into the arms of the first available person.

I'm drinking ice cold milk and I'm starting to yawn. Soon it will be time to go back to bed. I hope I sleep for a long time in the morning without too many intricate dreams. The best is dreamless sleeping. That way you wake up untroubled.

I feel perfectly at ease now and ready for whatever lies ahead. I don't dread the coming day. I will face it like I've faced many others like it. Keeping myself safe and sound is the main objective.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting down to earth again...

2011-12-18T03:31:00.019+01:00

Even though it is the middle of the night and it is the time when I feel most joyful, that doesn't mean that I have to get overly excited now and lose track of my sense of decorum. I'm quite capable of keeping myself in hand and not making a complete fool of myself by declaring all sorts of nonsense.

I do have to hit the brakes because sometimes I get too much in a hallelujah mood when I'm up this late and have had a cup of coffee or two. My enthusiasm knows no bounds and I run to the top of the mountain before I remember that I have fear of heights and get dizzy and know no way down.

I must be as sensible as I can manage to be and still be lively and not sit here as a solid and silent rock in a winter's meadow on a boring Sunday. I have to be engaging without being silly, although you may think that me being silly may be a lot of fun. That's only if I'm silly on purpose and not when I accidentally end up looking ridiculous.

Since yesterday was Saturday, it is hardly a day worth speaking of. It was just another ordinary Saturday like any other. I spend it doing nothing important whatsoever, except that I watched my share of cultural television programs in the morning while I woke up with my obligatory cups of coffee. It does feel good to feed the intellect and my curiosity. I did miss half of the programs yesterday because I got up too late, but I'll get a chance again this morning when there will be more on.

There's usually some documentary with an exposure to challenging art which gets my dander up at first, but which I change my mind about as I watch it, although I don't completely change my outlook on it. I am somewhat more enlightened after I've watched it and more appreciative. It's supposed to be a challenge to your mind, after all. I suppose you see the necessity of the art in the time it was made even though you don't have to like it. It's enough that you understand the intention behind it.

I wrapped Chrstmas presents and didn't run out of paper, which is good because I've got one more present to wrap which hasn't gotten here yet. With a little bit of luck it will be here on Wednesday. The dog tried to help me wrap them and was very disappointed when he was not allowed to be part of the proceedings. The cat was asleep on the bed, so I timed my actions well. I got no cat hair on the sello tape.

Wrapping the presents did get me into the proper mood and now I can hardly wait for Christmas. The real exciting thing of course is that my daughter will be here and that is what I'm really looking forward to. I'm slowly allowing all of my maternal feelings to come to the surface where they have been buried so long. It almost hurts to let them out. It's a real process.

It's going to be a bit colder for the next couple of days and I'll have to pick my outfit with care in the morning. It will be a question again of being warm enough and looking good. That's really not too difficult if I put my mind to it. In the evening there will be a mixture of snow and rain and I'm really not in the mood for that. I have very little to say about the weather, however. It happens whether I want it to or not. There's nothing as fickle as the Dutch weather.

Today will be another non eventful day as Sundays go. The weekends are often not very exciting. They are turning out to be the dullest parts of the week. Luckily, there are interesting programs to watch on televsion. There will be lots of sports to watch and I enjoy them. Thank goodness I have the animals to entertain me. We pass many happy moments together. The dog alone is enough of an amusement factor.

I have to go back to bed to finish sleeping. The duvet is turning out to be so good that it's almost too warm to sleep under.

Ciao,

Nora

Perfumes...

2011-12-16T01:55:00.002+01:00

Because I'm in the mood for some very good smells, I thought I would intersperse this post with photos of some well known perfumes. I picked them randomly of the web. If the photo was good and showed the name well, I downloaded it, especially if it was of a perfume that I was familiar with and that I might like to have.

It's the same thing as wishful thinking, or making a list for Santa Claus. If I make it very clear, I may get what I wish for and live happily ever after. That's how much I'd like a bottle of perfume. I actually would like several bottles because a woman can never have too many in my humble opinion.

Of course, when anybody asks me what I want for Christmas, I ask for a bottle of perfume. I just hope that a lot of people are going to as me what I want. For the sake of decency, I do have to also ask for some smaller presents for those with a smaller budget. I can't be only greedy. I'm certainly not handing out expensive presents myself. The budget can not bear it. I have to buy eight presents and I'm doing it on a shoestring.

Christmas is sneaking up on me and, except for buying presents, I'm not nearly ready for it. I'm just now getting in the proper mood. It only happened in the past day or so that I got bit by the season's bug. I'm now more than ready to throw my heart and soul into it, however.

Especially since I know that my sister has her tree up and decorated because we will be celebrating Christmas at her place and that's where we will be exchanging the presents. I have high expectations of it knowing my daughter and her father will be there.

We will be a proper group of jolly people and really get into the spirit of things.

I was already on my way to bed tonight, but then realized that I was infused by the siprit of the season too much to go to sleep. I think I have to do some decorating around here to make the place look a little bit fastive. I have to dig into my closet and see what decorations I can come up with. I may even have to go out and buy a little tree. It may yet come to that.

Doesn't seeing all these perfumes make you greedy for them? I'm most definitely a luxury beast. When I see decadent and expensive things, I want them all. I should have had a very wealthy husband who would have indulged in me.

I'm so ready to stop being poor that even my fantasies feed me. Just thinking about really nice things makes me feel like I almost own them and am on the verge of buying them. Actual ownership is only a small distance away. I'm only one step away from the rainbow and my pot of gold. In the meantime I act like the woman I'm supposed to be.

I'm just temporarily inconvenienced. It's not a permanent condition.

It's late at night now and I haven't slept yet. I'm not quite in the mood to go to bed. There's enough time to go to sleep. Right now I want to live in anticipation of the days to come. In my head I'm making lists of things I have left to do. I should write them down. That might be more convenient.

At least I don't have to cook Christmas dinner, nor am I capable of eating it. Whatever my sister makes will mostly be wasted on me. That's the drawback of having a gastric band. You can't sit down and really indulge. Just a few bites will be enough for me. It's a shame really, but I've gotten used to it by now. You just shouldn't get excited about food very much. That's not going to be the highlight of your day.

It's with some anticipation that I look forward to the morning because it will be Friday and the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. He can buy wrapping paper for me too so I can start wrapping the first presents. and put those away. I will be more than exited about that. I do like wrapping presents as neat as possible providing the dog and the cat don't try to help me. The cat especially tries to lie down on the paper when I try to cut it.

I also don't enjoy getting animal hair on the sellotape. That does look funny when you give someone their present.

It's raining gently outside, but there is no wind to speak of. At least it isn't storming which is quite an improvement over how it has been. The harsh wind has been so cold and has made it so unpleasant to have to go outside. It will be nice when this low pressure system has passed us. I'm more than ready for some blue skies and sunshine.

I've run out of perfumes and I'm ready to end this post. I could go on endlessly, but I think I've made my point and I've indulged myself enough. For a while I pretended that I could have all those perfumes. It was fun while it lasted and I hope it caused enough diversion. Next I'll talk about really great clothes.

Ciao,

Nora

Massive cheer up time...

2011-12-14T20:30:00.000+01:00

I was good this afternoon and took care of all the paperwork that I had left lying around for some time now. I also visited my bank account to see if I was still solvent and paid some bills. I got the end of year bill from the energy company and am actually getting some money back. Phew, that was a relief. I thanked the Higher Being for that big favor.

When I was all done with the paperwork, the damage was actually very small and I could put a lot of things in the recycle box. The rest was noted and taken care of and filed. I felt very virtuous for having done it in such a relative short amount of time with such little pain. I had not been a job that I was looking forward to, but it always is much less bad than I think it is going to be.

Now I won't have to put anything off for a while anymore and I can take care of things as they come in. The fun part about emptying the mailbox right now is the fact that there are Christmas cards in it and not just official mail. That does make it a lot nicer and reminds me that I have to send some myself. The season is sneaking up on me before I'm quite ready. I still have to buy stamps.

My daughter and her father are going to be here in another nine days and will spend Christmas and New Year's here. I haven't seen her in four years and I'm looking forward to it very much. It's very difficult not to see your own daughter for such a long time. You have to close up a lot of feelings inside your heart. I can let them out for a while shortly.

I just took the dog for a walk in the cold, windy evening air. It was not a great pleasure to be out there, but we survived it anyway. I think the dog minded it less than I did. I should have worn a hat because my head was very cold, but then I thought about 'hat hair.' That's so unbecoming that I decided to be cold instead. I am a vain enough woman not to want to look ridiculous. Even if it is dark outside and nobody will see me and no one will see me when I get home.

I haven't watched the news tonight. It seems that the stories on the news are all very negative and cause nothing but worry and fear. They tell you everything that's wrong and no way to get out of it. You start to feel so hopeless and helpless. Maybe they are over realistic and maybe they paint the wrong picture. I don't know who or what influences the stories that get told on the news.

I must eat some dinner, my body needs to get fed. The Exfactor brought me some rice pudding and I think I'll have that.

Have a great evening, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

In between...

2011-12-13T01:50:00.001+01:00

I'm burping from the cups of coffee I've had so far and I may as well start burping from the cold milk that I'm about to have. If I'm going to burp, I may as well do it for the right reason. I'm very thirsty and want to drink a whole liter of it, but I don't have that much milk left. Thank goodness that the Exfactor is going to be here this morning to do the groceries. He will be welcomed with open arms and a shopping list. Well, first I'll give him a cup of coffee for courage and strength.

The cat and the dog need to have their flea drops applied today. It's been a month since I applied them first. The Exfactor can help me with the cat, although she was very docile when we did it before. The flea drops helped very well the last time I used them and the animals have been free of fleas ever since. I do want to keep it that way. I got the flea drops from the vet and they were cheaper than what I would have paid at the pet shop. Maybe a tip for other pet owners.

I've got to think about what I'm going to wear today. I want to look good, but be warm enough at the same time. I do want to wear a double layer of clothes. I get cold so easily that it's necessary. It's not like when I was in the menopause and I was always overheated. I also have to redo my nails and I'm sorry to say that I split two of them despite the calcium tablets I take. I guess nothing works perfectly no matter how much you'd like it to.

At least my hair is in good enough shape. It too has gotten drier like my skin and I don't have to wash it nearly as often. This does save me a little bit of work. I need to have the back of it trimmed and will have to make an appointment. It will take all of five minues to get it done. Hardly worth making an appointment for.

I'll go back to bed now. A sensible person gets her sleep.

Ciao,

Nora

Revenge of the awful dog...

2011-12-12T03:37:00.000+01:00

I've tried to get a good night's sleep for a couple of hours now, but every hour or so the dog woke me up with some excuse or another. I tried to ignore him, but I finally gave up and got up because I could not stay asleep any longer. I will try again later when he has settled down.

I'm sitting here yawning, but this cup of coffee I'm having should help that.The dog is asleep by my feet. Hopefully now he will be sweet and docile. The cat is sitting on the kitchen counter eating her kibbles. To her it doesn't matter if it's day or night. She does what she pleases when it pleases her and bothers no one. She's easy.

I must say that I'm glad the weekend is over, although it did go by quickly so it wasn't a long ordeal to get through. Nothing worth mentioning happened. It was just an ordinary weekend like so many others. The most pleasant thing I did was take naps in the afternoon which got me over the tough time of the day when I never know what to do with myself.

Now that I don't read anymore, my books stand forlorn on the bookcase and I no longer get lost for several hours at the time in literature. I often think I will never read another novel again because I absolutely have no interest in them. It's like I don't want to get lost in them and be cut of from reality. I feel that I constantly have to be in touch with the here and now.

I do like to watch sports on television. I feel that's very actual and real. I hardly feel like I'm escaping. I also like to watch cultural programming, but again, I feel like I've got at least one foot in reality and I'm not lost in a dream because the programs are very objective. It would be different if they were lyrical journeys. I like very factual things, although that's very different from how I used to be. I used to watch television to escape and now I watch it to face reality.

That must be why I like news programs so much and political talk shows. I do squirm when politicians are interviewed in depth. So few of them are willing to come right out and give a straight answer. They don't like to be pinned down. I dislike evasive answers and the politicians who give them. I do like good interviewers who don't back off.

I suppose I'm wide awake now and I will have to drink milk to get sleepy again. At least the dog has settled down. I will have to go find my bed and get under the duvet and sleep a few hours before the personal helper gets here.

I hope you will have all had a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

My second cup of coffee...

2011-12-10T02:01:00.000+01:00

I will not drink my second cup of coffee with the same eagerness that I drank my first cup of coffee. It is too bitter for that. As a mater of fact, I can't wait to have my first tall glass of cold milk. But I will finish the coffee first. I'm committed to it.

I obviously didn't eyeball the ground coffee correctly when I scooped it into the filter. I still don't have it down to a science. It's still a hit and run business with the result that sometimes I have awfully weak coffee, but more often a very bitter one. The mouth puckering kind that wakes you up instantly.

I don't mind being wide awake in the middle of the night because I know I will go to sleep again eventually. I just can't finish what's in the pot that I so enthusiastically made. I have to stop drinking it before I get too wired. That's why drinking the milk is good. It will put me in a stupor again.

Speaking of stupors reminds me of the fact that I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a couple of months. I actually had forgotten about him and don't think about going to have a talk with him about anything. I suppose I don't feel the need to and that can only be good. He renews my medications once a month, but I'm not in direct contact with him about them. I suppose he thinks that no news is good news. And it is.

I'm not so helpless that I wouldn't know how to find him if there was a need. I have good contact with my new therapist and I know she keeps him up to date. Nothing really earth shattering is happening in my life. I can deal with the few problems I run into with a little bit of help. I solve a lot on my own. I have learned a lot. As long as my life stays as simple as it is now, I can handle it.

I've gotten sleepy from drinking the milk and I'm going back to bed to finish my night's rest. I've already started to yawn.

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

I wasn't quite ready for it yet...

2011-12-08T02:10:00.001+01:00

I went to bed late in the evening after watching a thriller thinking I was ready to go to sleep, but when I was lying there, sleep didn't come no matter how hard I tried, so I got up again and made myself some coffee. I did what I usually do in the middle of the night only now I did it a little bit earlier. The fact that I didn't sleep yet doesn't bother me. I will stay up for a while and amuse myself until I'm ready to call it quits for the night and go to bed again. Sooner or later I will get the sleep I need. I've got no place to go in the morning and I can sleep late providing the dog will let me.

The coffee tastes very good and is turning me into my usual cheerful self. I'm lucky that caffeine does have that effect on me and that I can count on it. It provides me with many happy moments. You could say that it's the drug of my choice. It and nicotine are the crutches that I stand on. I do want to quit the nicotine soon though. It's a bad habit that I can ill afford. I think about quiting quite often and try to determine when would be a good moment. I want to succeed and am trying to figure out how to best achieve that. It's a resolution for the very near future. I'm coming around to it. I've even thought of accupuncture and reading that book by Allen Carr that helps you quit.

I'm sitting here very cozily in my bathrobe and the heater isn't even on. Outside it has stopped storming and all is quiet for a change. I hope this is the end of the foul weather. It did really hit us today. Luckily, there was no snow, just hail and lots of rain. I'm more than comfortable now though, and oh, so warm. I should always be dressed in my bathrobe because I would never be cold.

I think the thriller that was on tonight was called 'Trial and Retribution.' It was very good and kept me up and mesmerized. I liked the people who had the lead roles as they weren't the usual glamour types. They were unknown to me, but that doesn't mean much. I'm not up on all British actors. They were very believable and the plot was good. It was the usual well done British thriller. The BBC does have the budget to turn out good ones as opposed to Dutch program makers who don't. It does make a difference.

I'm drinking cold milk now in preparation to getting ready to go to bed. It's waking up the orchestra that's in my stomach and producing quite some sounds. It's a good thing that I'm sitting here all by myself. It would be embarrassing to do this in company. It will settle down soon enough after I have had the last little bit and it has passed my gastric band. It always protests loudly before it does. Milk must be enough like a solid food to behave this way.

I've told you all I have to say for now. I suppose it's time for me to go back to bed. I'm not really sleepy, but I'll try anyway. I can't think of another thing to do. The dog and the cat are sound asleep. I'll take the lead from them.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting my two cents worth in...

2011-12-07T04:16:00.000+01:00

I feel a great sense of liberation and I don't know eaxactly why that is. I've had the feeling since yesterday evening when I had a sense of lightness fall over me and suddenly everything became very uncomplicated. It's just a shift of mood inside myself and doesn't have much to do with reality because nothing has shifted there. There's not suddenly been a change in my circumstances and nothing has been altered. It's my own attitude that's changed.

I do welcome this and will not complain about it. I'd be a fool to. I very much enjoy this lighthearted, uncomplicated feeling. My heart really does feel light and fluttery. As if there are butterflies caught in it. And there is freedom in my mind. I'm not bogged down by negative thoughts and dark notions. The sun may not be shining outside, but it's bright inside my head, even now in the darkness of the night. I must have done something especially right and the planets must be ligned up correctly.. I can't explain it any other way.

It may have something to do with the size 10 skinny jeans that I ordered and that arrived yesterday and that fit me perfectly. My other skinny jeans had gotten too big on me and were sliding down my hips and were too big around my butt. I took the chance and assumed that size 10 would be the size that would fit me next and I was right. They fit like a glove and I'm much pleased.

On top of that, my sister had a cardigan that she bought that was just a bit too big on her, but that fit me well and that matches my jeans really well also, so I've got a totally new outfit. I like nothing better than new clothes, especially unexpected ones, so I was a happy camper. The cardigan is dark blue which is a color I don't often buy, but which matches me well and makes my blue eyes look bluer. What more could I want?

I redid my nails after three of them had gotten chipped again and I figured they were so vulnerable because I applied two layers. So when I reapplied the nail polish, I only put on one layer and assume it will stay on better. It will be easier to fix anyway if they do get chipped. It doesn't nearly take as much work to apply and dries quickly.

I also think my nails are getting stronger and that may be because of the calcium tablets I've been taking every day. It would be wonderful if they worked and kept my nials from splitting. I do have to get a decent nail file as that is something I don't have in my possession. That shows you my shortcomings in the femininity department. I never before saw the sense of one because I always cut my nails short. Now, of course, I want longer nails to show off the polish.

Silver hairs are starting to show up all over my head and sparkle at me when I stand in the bathroom in front of the mirror. They twinkle at me like bright little stars. I don't mind one bit because it makes my blond hair look lighter. I'm not vain enough to want to cover them up with hair color. Maybe if I were a brunette I would care more. I'm sure it's more of a shock to your system then. I do apply make up to my very light eyebrows and eyelashes. That gives my face just a little more expression.

Lest you think I'm totally self centered, I have to tell you that I possibly am. I think the world does revolve around me. At least on this blog I do. It's not like that in real life, of course. I do play second fiddle on most occasions. I'm not anybody of real importance and really don't count in the larger scheme of things. That's why it's so nice to be the center of attention here. I can't tell you all the times when I'm not.

Today is going to be a very relaxed day. Outside it's going to storm and be a wet and cold day. I'm not planning on going anywhere except to walk the dog. I'll be inside most of the day where it will be warm.

And now I'm going back to bed to finish sleeping, hopefully until late in the morning.

Have a nice day you all.

Ciao,

Nora

How to spend the night...

2011-12-05T03:04:00.000+01:00

The one thing you do is to not spend all of it sleeping. That's a complete waste of time. You may think that sleeping is a useful activity, but I tend to disagree with that if it's in the middle of the night. I can't think of a better way to spend that time than to spend it being awake and up and about. That. of course, is just my own personal vision and you may disagree.

Maybe you get a good night's sleep and you have no complicated dreams and you feel very refreshed in the morning when you wake up. That's not my own experience and I'm always glad that I wake up after I've been asleep for a few hours so that I can get up and spend some time behind the computer with a few cups of coffee and my cigarettes. It's when I'm most alert and in charge of all of my faculties.

But I tell you no new stories when I tell you that. It's a well known fact by now that this is what I do. I also can't force myself to write the kind of drivel that I write here during the night in the daytime. I'm not in the proper frame of mind then. During the day, I would be too embarrassed to write some of the things down that I write here during the night. I think I bare my soul better at night or after I just wake up from a nap..

That maybe sounds contradictory, but for me is not to reason why. I'll accept both my statements as given facts. I'd hate to have to explain everything I state here. If I'm unclear than that's just so. It can't be helped.

Last night I was in a terribly grumpy mood that only disappeared slowly. I didn't analyze it too much, but in the back of my mind I had some clues as to the origins of it. I ended up eating some dinner and watching some TV before I went to bed and found my solace under the warm duvet.

I think you subconsciously run into frustrations all the time in your contacts with the people you care about and sometimes it's better to take a little breather from everybody and spend some time on your own.

Quality time with yourself and other people is still what it all revolves around. It's not about quantity. A little bit goes a long way. You've got to appreciate the little bits and not repeat them too often. Repetition leads to irritation and takes away from the specialness of the occasion. You fall into a rut.

I'm afraid I'm preaching. I do have a tendency to do that sometimes. It's when I'm trying to convince myself most.

It's time to go back to bed. I've been philosophical enough, although I've really put the brakes on my thoughts. I've censored myself quite a bit.

Sleep tight everyone.

Ciao,

Nora

Sleep may be overrated.

2011-12-04T04:27:00.000+01:00

I ought to be going back to bed now, but I'll attempt to write a post. I'll see if I have it in me. I've stopped drinking coffee some time ago, so I may not be alert enough for it. I may not quite have the thinking capacities to pull it off. I'll start on this post and see where it leads me. I may have to delete it somewhere down the line, but you will not be any wiser for it.

I've sat here for quite a long time already. The nighttime hours have been slowly ticking away and it is almost morning. Well, optimistically speaking it is. If it were summertime, it would be getting light soon. Unfortunately it is not, so I can let that whole idea fly out the window. It is almost time to take my medicines and I'm drinking my second glass of ice cold milk. It isn't making me burp too bad for a change. Miracles never cease.

When I get up again in the morning, I'm very leisurely going to drink a cup of coffee before I walk the dog. He can do his first piddle out back. Then all I have to do is hang up a load of clean laundry and that is a fun chore. But first I plan to sleep late or as long as the dog will let me. He usually isn´t too impatient in the morning and knows I need a little bit of time. We´ve become adjusted to each other´s schedules.

It´s with some amount of satisfaction that I look forward to the day because it will be very laid back. I will see my sister this afternoon, but for the most part my time will be filled with leisurely activities. Getiing dressed well and applying my make up properly will be some of them. I´m really going to take my time getting them right. I will spend some quality time with myself. I will also annoint my skin with delicious smelling cremes.

Which reminds me that I´m in dire need of a good perfume. I haven´t had one for a long time and in the recent past have had to do with some inferior ones. I hope the Glossy Box brings a solution in the form of samples. That´s what I´m really looking forward to. Well, amongst other things.

I´ve got to go to bed. I´m also in dire need of sleep. I´ve got to get the rest of it before the day really starts. I´m yawning already.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The soul wants something too...

2011-12-03T02:55:00.001+01:00

I'm drinking a cup of coffee and am slowly becoming coherent, although that makes it sound as if I was maybe comatose when I got up and I wasn't. I was actually quite perky, but for writing a blog post I have to be on my toes. That's what I think anyway because I want to be engaging, although I usually find that incredibly difficult. I think when it comes to sounding fascinating, I usually fall flat on my face. I take myself much too seriously for that.

This will be my effort to see and address the lighter side of things, although I don't know if I will pull it off. It's tough to become suddenly lighthearted when you are always so very literally and stick to the serious side of the subject. Sometimes I try to write with irony, but I don't think that comes across at all. It falls flat on its face also. I have a tendency to forget to see the humorous side of things, although I don't lack a sense of humor. I'm big on slapstick and farce.

Already I'm bogged down in seriously analyzing my tendency to see the seious side of things and that while I said I wouldn't. You see, it's in the nature of the beast. I must immediately cease and desist and enter the lighthearted zone.

Yesterday evening I ordered a new cardigan on line that will go with a few dresses that I have that I would otherwise not get to wear. I suddenly remembered their existence and realized that what I needed was something warm and fashionable to wear over them in a complimentary color. This cardigan is made of fine wool and is knee length and open in the front so it shows the dresses. It's a creamy vanilla color which matches some of the color in the dresses.

I got it on sale for hardly any money at all and I counted my good luck. It must be that time of year for them to be priced low. It might also have been a matter of good timing and I just started looking at the right moment when this particular one was on sale. It will be delivered in the morning and I will see if I made a good choice. I assume I did. It will match my boots also. With any luck, I will look like a picture of fashion.

And, it's like my mother always said: if you run fast, nobody motices the difference.

I went on the bathroom scale, although it was not the right time to weigh myself, and saw that I only had two kilos to lose. That will be even less in the morning because it always is. Losing that little weight is not much of a problem. It's 4.4 lbs. That does give me lots of hope.

I reapplied my nail polish to those nails that needed it last night. Some of them had become chipped already. I didn't want to have to redo all of them so I did the ones that were in bad shape. When I get the chance, I will sit down and do all of them over again. I must try a better nail polish. Something that really stays on for a long time and that doesn't chip no matter what you do with it. There must be some like it. I don't believe the industry hasn't come up with it yet. Or they must not be willing to sell it for fear of falling sales.

Maybe there will be some nail polish in my Glossy Box and I hope for a good lipstick also. The ones I have don't stay on very well. At least not when I drink a beverage, but that may be the problem with all of them. Maybe you're not supposed to drink anything with lipstick on. Yesterday I forgot to put any on and every tiome I thought of it, it was the wrong moment. It does get discouraging if you have to keep reapplying it. You see your lipstick dwindling as you use it.

I do like this business of being female and already look forward to the morning when I can mess around with my make up again. The face wash I use is very good for my skin and leaves it relatively soft. It does a good job of getting my make up off. Applying my mascara is a job and a half because I don't have the eyelashes I used to have and it takes a bit of effort to make them look full. I also poke myself in the eye. The night creme I was using is making my eyes water so I've stopped using it. I'll have to use the baby lotion again.

Maybe there will be a good creme in the Glossy Box. I do have high expectations of it, don't I? Since I will be getting one once a month, I'm bound to run into something good sooner or later. All I have to do is be patient and I'm good at that. I'll use what I already have in the meantime.

There's nothing special on the program today. There will be a few chores to do and cultural TV to watch so I will get my fill of that. I do need to have my intellect stomulated. My soul can't be barren. It does seem like I concern myself with only my make up and my clothes right now, but they are just the things that bring me comfort. The rest of me also needs to get fed.

I hope you'll all have a great weekend. I'm going in search of my bed again. I have some hours to sleep until morning. First I've got to drink a glass of ice cold milk to make me burp. I have to have some sound effects.

Ciao,

Nora

Back in business...

2011-12-02T03:27:00.000+01:00

I had to do without my computer for more than twenty four hours while Ubuntu was removed from it and Windows XP was reinstalled. This was an operation I could not do myself, believe me, I tried. Having to do without my computer for that amount of time didn't cause me too many withdrawal symptoms, because instead of getting up in the middle of the night to blog, I slept instead. This was a novel experience and caused me to have many weird dreams which I don't necessarily want to have again. I like my broken up nights better.

Tonight I woke up just as I was trying to make Beef Wellington from a book by a famous author whose recipe was not clear. You know I would have run into all sorts of frustrations if I had tried. It would have been a tough dream getting all the ingredients right, so I was glad that I woke up. I had enough sense to make coffee and have a cup and now I'm completely coherent and happy for the experience. I like this so much better than sleeping through the night. I really do my best thinking in the middle of the night. I still don't know why that is, but I'll just accept it as a given.

Remember how I told you that I had started to wear make up again? Well, I'm getting positive feedback on that so I'm on the right track. People also compliment me on my hair, though all I've done is comb it differently. You see how little changes can make such a big difference. I'm glad for the positive feedback because it makes me want to try extra hard to make the effort. I know it's worth it to spend the extra fifteen minutes or so in front of the mirror in the morning. Well, it's actually not that long, but just by way of speaking. I do take my time applying my make up and taking care of my skin. Not necessarily in that order.

I'm also paying extra attention to my clothes and trying to put together different outfits that I haven't worn before. That's a bit of a challenge but a lot of fun. I take immense pleasure in looking inside my closet and coming up with new combinations. I want for them to be flattering as well as warm enough and I usually succeed. I do have a few stand by's that are favorite pieces of clothing that I can always count on. They are basic parts of my wardrobe.

I've been wearing necklaces to decorate myself with because the earrings have not been a big success. They do irritate my ears and I'm going to have to get some gold studs that I can always wear without the danger of getting an allergic reaction. There must be some nickel after all in the earrings that I do have. I saw some silver ones that I liked and that were affordable, but they are no option. They've got to be gold. Maybe those will be a treat to myself at Christmas. A woman's got to be good to herself, after all. I'll have to see what I can do.

It's Friday again and the week has gone by very quickly, but then it usually does when I have a few appointments like I did this week. It doesn't take much to keep me busy. Just a few out of the ordinary things will do. If I have at least one event a day, I'm happy. Seeing my therapist this week was very good because she reaffirms my believe in myself and makes me feel very normal. You can't ask for more than that. The same goes for my personal helper, though she has a tendency to want to nurture me too much. I do have to prevent that from happening.

The dog's fur is growing in again and he is starting to look more like himself and more like the stuffed animal that he always used to looks like. It's very cute and makes you want to cuddle him all the time. It's much better than that scanty trimmed look that he had. Even the cat seems to like him better this way and constantly goes up to him to rub heads with him and press her body against him. He very generously lets her.

It's time for me to go back to bed and get the rest of my sleep. I hate to go and could sit here for a while longer, but I do have to be sensible. Sometimes I have to be anyway. If only for limited periods of time. Tomorrow morning the Exfactor will no doubt wakep me up bright and early when he comes to do the groceries.

Ciao,

Nora

Can't make up my mind...

2011-11-30T02:38:00.000+01:00

I was already in bed but found it impossible to go to sleep. I got up again and now I'm drinking coffee because I didn't know what else to do. It's such a ritual that I automatically made a pot. I normally sleep first though, but I don't mind, every new experience is one to be savored.

It's not quite coherently that I sit here. I'm under the influence of my sleeping pill and I'm waiting for the effect of it to wear off. I don't quite like the way it's making me feel. I'm hoping the coffee will do the trick, but it's making me burp something awful. The sound effects are out of this world.

Sooner or later I'll end up going to bed. I will get tired enough in the end and get the sleep I need. I've already set the alarm clock for 7 am. That's when I'm planning on being up again. I have some things to do and the day is going to start early. I'm getting up an hour earlier so I can drink my coffee contemplatively.

I lightly decorated myself with make up today and was pleased with the effect. I didn't overdo it, so it was not too much of a shock to my system after having had a bare face all this time. The most fun was trying out the lipsticks to see which one would last the longest. I kept having to reapply them after having had something to drink.

Luckily, I still had a face wash to remove the make up with when I got ready to go to bed. I used that with a warm wet washcloth. I applied a night creme afterwards and now have a soft skin. I'm actually starting to care again and making a fuss over myself. They're good deeds I do for myself. My skin deserves it. Wearing make up makes me pay more attention to my face and its care.

It's good to be a woman and indulge in taking care of yourself and paying attention to the little things. They are all small ways to pamper yourself and give yourself the tokens of affection that you need. They are things that nobody else is going to do for you. They're little rituals that you perform for yourself and can be very nurturing and restful. If you end up looking especially nice, then that's a bonus. It's icing on the cake.

I'm already making my resolution for the next year and that is that I'm going to take good care of my appearance and I don't mean my clothes because those are alright. My whole self image is going to change and improve and that includes my hair and the perfume I will wear. I'm going to give myself an overhaul and it will be a long term project. I will give myself a whole year to achieve it. I do have the patience for that.

I will go to bed now. I do need to get some sleep before it's morning. I have sat here and dawdled quite a bit and I've gotten sidetracked a few times. I have to take good care of myself because if I don't, who else will?

Ciao,

Nora

Cheerfulness at midnight...

2011-11-29T02:41:00.001+01:00

I'm in a cheerful mood as I sit here in the middle of the night with my cup of coffee warmly ensconced in my bathrobe. That's good news because I went to bed last night in a not so good mood and with a headache for which I took a paracetamol. I dreaded the thought that my mood was going to go downhill and decided that sleep was the best solution for it. I was right and now I feel much better. I have sparks of hope all over the place. The world is my oyster again.

So, it's with some amount of cheer that I sit here and write this post. I can take my time doing it too because it doesn't matter what time I go to bed. Tomorrow I have no appointments in the morning and I can be as lazy as I want to be, bar the fact that the dog will have to be walked at one point. I do so like being in charge of my own day, at least the mornings when I can get started at my own speed and not have to rush.

I did something kind for myself yesterday and signed up with Glossy Box.nl. I will start receiving a pretty box once a month filled with five beauty products especially selected for me and every box will have a different content. These include skin and hair products and perfumes. I think it will be fun to await the arrival of each box. It will be like Santa Claus comes to the house once a month.

My first Glossy Box will get here in January and I will write a review about it in a post so you will know what sort of things I received. Frankly, I can't wait. I'm curious enough to want to try different products and it's being surprised that appeals to me so. I will be like a kid in a candy store. That's the kindness I will allow myself once a month. I do need something fun to look forward to. The regime can't be all stark and rigid.

Glossy Boxes are available in other countries so you can check for them where you live.

To tell you the truth, I like anything that makes me pay attention to the fact that I'm female and allows me to fuss over myself because I have a tendency to neglect that area of my life. Oh, I do pay attention to how I dress, but I don't mess around with beauty products enough and my skin and hair could use some taking care of. I don't nearly spend enough time on them. I have dry skin that could use some help and my hair is fly away and could use some volume. Hopefully there will be some things in those boxes that will help.

I find you always have to make your life interesting. If it doesn't come from the outside, you have to make it happen yourself in the most imaginable ways. I'm already thinking that there should be a glossy box for under garments and I wonder if such a thing exists. I would sign up for it immediately. Just think of all the cute and sexy things you could get. That is for those of us who fit in our bras properly.

I am going to check and see if there are more ways to make my life interesting that don't cost an arm and a leg. I am on a budget, after all. The thing is, to make your life as pleasurable as possible because things are dire enough nowadays as they are. The way the economy is turning just makes you want to bury your head in the sand and that's no solution. You have to be able to try and afford something special and you can't wait for someone else to do it for you.

You have to be your own best friend. That's the one thing I learned about living on my own. That's not to sit around and wait for someone else to make my happiness for me because it will never happen. It's mostly in my own hands. Unless you specifically ask someone for something, nobody will be able to read your mind and know what it is you desire. People don't spend their time wondering what your needs are. That's not how the world works. You have to take care of that yourself.

Well, after so much armchair wisdom, I guess I'll bring an end to this post. I'm not nearly ready to go to bed and will have to find a way to amuse myself for a while. I will drink some cold milk to get myself in another frame of mind. It will give my stomach something to do too. There's always some entertainment in the middle of the night.

Ciao,

Nora

Monday morning and ready to go...

2011-11-28T05:53:00.001+01:00

It's early in the morning and I suppose you could say that I've had enough sleep. I sort of slept through the night in my own peculiar way. It wasn't quite as perfect as I would have liked it to be, but it came close. I'm more than wide awake now anyway and I've had my first cup of coffee. No doubt that helped me get in this cheerful state.

It's Monday and I'm ready to start the week. I've had a fairly decent weekend, but I'm glad it's over. I'm always more than ready for the weekend to start, but I'm also always more than ready for Monday to come around. I guess that's not half bad because it means I look forward to both and enjoy the weekend as well as the weekdays. That's been different in the past when I preferred one over the other.

I had an unexpected outing yesterday when I went to Ikea with my sister and her friend. It was fun to walk around there, but I didn't have much time to dawdle as they were there for a specific reason. We went through the store rather quicker than I would have liked. Still, I got to hang out in the kitchen department for a while and pick out a few things that I needed.

After we had paid for our purchases, I had a milkshake and it was delicious. I had not had a milkshake in I don't know how many years and suddenly I craved one. I didn't know how my stomach was going to react to it, but it turned out not to be a problem at all. Now I've got milkshakes on my mind and would love to have another one. It's a good thing that this is not possible because I would gain much weight consuming them.

The weather was atrocious. There was rain and a cold wind and I said to my sister, "Why did our ancestors have to settle in this country anyway?" She took me quite literally and started to explain why. This was when we were exposed to the elements on the upper deck of the parking garage. Not the best timing for it, of course.

My sister bickers with her friend quite a bit and tries to impose her will on him a lot. Unless he keeps accepting this, I don't see how their relationship is going to have a long and healthy life. It gets on my nerves a lot and I find it hard to be around. I don't think I will be making outings with them like that again. If I do, I'm going to have to say something about it. I may do that anyway.

I mustn't let that spoil my mood. I'm just finishing my second cup of coffee and I'm about to have a glass of mild orange juice. That will be a real thirst quencher. I have to take my medicines and get dressed and get this place cleaned up. I've got just a few chores to do.

I've just started yawning and now I'm worried that I'm still sleepy. I don't want to go back to bed because I've got too much to do before the first person shows up. I'll probably end up making more coffee and try to last that way. It's one way to get through the morning.

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

But I was only having a craving, officer...

2011-11-27T01:36:00.000+01:00

If I could, I would hurry quickly to the nearest open store and buy me a liter of vanilla ice cream and consume it all at once. That's how bad my craving for it is right now. It would have to be real vanilla ice cream, though, and not the imitation stuff they sell nowadays. I would want the ice cream that was sold in my childhood and that was creamy and very good tasting. That's what I really crave.

If I really can be honest, I'd have to say that I crave a big banana split, but I probably could not finish it, so I'd have to make it a tasty strawberry sundae instead with lots of whipped cream on top. If I'm going to fantasize, I'm going to do it right. I can see myself eating it in my mind's eye and I'm enjoying it a lot. Instead, I will have a tall glass of ice cold milk and that will have to do to take care of my wishful thinking.

It usually works. The coldness is enough to fool my taste buds into thinking that they've had something delicious and the milk keeps my stomach occupied with its loud rumbles and burps. It's also a question of mind over matter and not giving into silly foolishness and wishful thinking. You can't have everything your heart desires and cravings do disappear again.

There's also such a thing as regret when you've inhaled a liter of ice cream in one sitting. Ice cream melts so smoothly in your mouth and it goes down easily. Too easily. That's why you can eat so much of it all at once.

Enough on that subject. I've indulged in it more than is necessary. I've given it more than enough of my precious attention. It shouldn't get that much valuable space. It just goes to show you what a feeble human being I can be, but how smart it is of me not to have certain foods in the house at all. It's best never to put anything on the shopping list that I will hopelessly indulge in and feel shamefully guilty about afterwards.

But I'm having cold milk now and it is already taking care of whatever I thought I so desperately needed. In a little while I will have forgotten all about that. It's also putting my head in a different gear which is pleasant. I think the coffee had me just a little bit too excited. The milk is a nice change of pace and it's calming me down. You wouldn't think that about such an innocent beverage, but it really does. And it's an innocent reaction, after all.

So the caffeine is good for making me alert, but the milk is good for making me mellow. And now I've got to think what to do with that mellowness. I think I will be up for a while. It's early in the night still and I have more than enough time to go back to bed. It is Sunday, so it isn't important how quickly I get started in the morning.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

At the danger of writing another dull post...

2011-11-26T02:52:00.001+01:00

I'm a person who does learn her lessons the hard way and after writing a very dull post yesterday, I put myself in danger of writing another by trying to improve on it tonight. There are, of course, no guarantees and it is possible that I will hopelessly fail in my mission. That will be a double whammy then and I will never live it down. But I've got to take the chance because I can't live with the thought of failure.

I'm working on my second cup of coffee and it is giving me, you could say, Dutch courage, although there is no alcohol in it. I'm not so foolish as to try that because, although it would loosen me up tremendously, it would also make me drunk and I certainly don't feel like being it. By all rights I should have a couple of beers, but I don't happen to have any and that's probably for the best. I don't like the after effects.

I woke up with my T-shirt drenched in sweat and stood outside by the back door on the patio in order to cool off. The cold night air quickly did that while the dog went about his business. I could have stayed out there a while longer and really have gotten chilled to the point that I would have needed my bathrobe, but I'm still sitting here without it now. I'm radiating warmth and it's not cold in the apartment either. I must be having post menopausal hot flashes.

The best thing to do now is have a glass of ice cold milk because it will not only freeze my frontal lobes, but also cool down my body. It's guaranteed to work. The coffee has straightened out my mind sufficiently and I can think clearly. It's nice to mess with my head and muddle it up with the coldness of the milk. It never ceases to effect me and give me a different experience.

I wore two different outfits yesterday because I was not satisfied with what I was wearing initially. I delved into my closet and found something completely different, although I don't know why I bother because hardly anyone sees me. I must be practicing for a very active social life. The second outfit was put together of old and new elements and pleased me very much. I could have gone out on a date if I had wanted to, but I looked good enough to make myself happy.

I'm waiting for my hair to grow back in so I can go to the hairdresser. I think I cut my bangs a little bit too short. I will have to wait a couple of weeks for them to catch up with the rest of my hair. It's very easy hair that I've got now and I hardly have to do anything to it when I get up. Isn't that what every woman wants? I just look a little bit too much like a hedgehog and I didn't want to look quite that cute. I do want to be taken seriously. I am, after all, a grown woman.

I can't go on the bathroom scale and trust the result it gives me. It is much too high and then tells me that it's an error, which I totally agree with. I think the battery is low and will have to be replaced. It's one of those complicated scales that wants to tell you everything including your date of birth when all I want to know is my weight.

I don't know that right now, so I can only go by how my clothes fit me to know how well I'm doing. My skinniest jeans are a little big. I wash them regularly to shrink them, but as I wear them, they slide down my hips again. I do have hope, but I don't want all my clothes to get too big on me because I like them well enough and I don't have the money to replace them. I must make do with what I have. Does that seem like an odd sort of reasoning?

I'm sufficiently cooled off now and have put on my bathrobe. I stood out by the back door again because the dog imagined that he had to go out again. I don't think he actually did anything there. I'm having another glass of cold milk because the first one tasted so good. The night can last a long time for all I care. It's very cozy here by the light of the desk lamp.

I will have to go to bed shortly because I do need more sleep, but I can sleep late in the morning. It's Saturday, after all. It's not going to be a warm day and I may not have the proper outfit for the cold, but I'll be tough and withstand it anyway. I do have to be a tough Northern European. At least I'm not in Scandinavia where it's snowing.

I don't now if I've achieved my goal and managed not to write a dull post, but there you have it. It is a long one anyway. I've thoroughly enjoyed writing it. There has to be some satisfaction in that also.

Ciao,

Nora

Better get it straight from the beginning...

2011-11-25T03:28:00.000+01:00

It's ever so pleasant to sit here with my cup of coffee in the middle of the night and to think that I'm the only person up in a radius of one kilometer. It's very necessary that I pretend that, otherwise I would not nearly feel the amount of freedom that I do now. I assume that anyone who is up, is also doing so quietly and reverentially in honor of the hour and the solemness of the darkness. He or she must be a fellow nighttime worshiper.

I'm making this statement with some amount of irony, in case that was not obvious. I'm really making fun of myself. I do have a tendency to take these nighttime sessions when I'm supposed to be asleep very seriously and give them more importance than they deserve. I need to lighten up about them and think of them in more humoristic terms. They are not as holy as I make them out to be. As a matter of fact, they are merely times out in my quest for sleep.

I've switched from coffee to ice cold milk and the drinking of it will change my general attitude. The coldness always works on my frontal lobes. I think that's where the regulation of your emotions is. I probably freeze them and they go into shock. A general sort of malaise and giddiness comes over me. Of course, it all could be in my imagination, although I'm generally well grounded and not given to flights of fancy. At least, that's my own personal impression of myself.

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here because today is Friday and that means that it's almost the weekend which still is the part of the week that I enjoy the most and don't ask me why. It just is so.Today the Exfactor will be here and the domestic help and the day will go by quickly. At the end I will have groceries and a clean apartment and what better way to start the weekend? It's the little things like this that are so important to me.

I'm going to wear something completely different today. Clothes that have just come out of the laundry and that I've looked forward to wearing. I love wearing freshly washed clothes and always feel like a new person in them. This outfit is especially good because it's almost brand new and hardly worn. The newness of it is still exciting. I can get so into my clothes at times, but I'm glad that I still care enough. It's when I stop caring that I'll start to worry.

I've got to go back to bed. I need to get the rest of my sleep before the Exfactor shows up in the morning. I must get showered and dressed before he gets here. That's quite a feat. I don't know if I'll make it. I'm on the slow side in the morning and can't be rushed. I do need to sit in my bathrobe for a while and drink some coffee.

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Sensibility...

2011-11-24T05:42:00.000+01:00

It's about time I write something sensible here, although I'm not sure I'm capable of it. I'm in a good enough mood, that's not the problem. I just may be short of sensible things to write about. I will have to delve deep within myself and see if I can come up with something. If not, this will turn out to be a lot of nonsense. That may have its attractions also, of course. We will see.

Yesterday I had on a pair of nice lacy leggings that didn't have tight enough elastic in them. Any time I did any sort of walking, the leggings almost ended up on my knees. I kept having to hitch them up in a very unladylike fashion. That looked ridiculous, of course. I couldn't really go out in them, although they looked nice when they were up. I've got to tighten the elastic in them today or throw them out and they are new too. So much for the mishaps.

Other than that it was an ordinary sort of dull day. It rained on and off, but I didn't mind that one bit. It fit my mood, which was sort of one in which I wanted to hibernate and do cozy things like sit in my armchair and contemplate my navel. The dog decided otherwise and wanted me to concentrate on him and the tennis ball instead. So I tossed it a lot at the danger of hitting fragile pieces of wall decorations. All went well except for how often I had to retrieve the ball out from underneath the sofa.

I had on a mini dress and felt like a young woman. I decided not to look in the mirror to shatter the illusion. It's best not to see your own reflection when you think you look especially good. I'm very good at avoiding looking in mirrors. I just refuse to acknowledge their existence and pretend they are not there. It's best to live in denial and not to be aware of your less pretty bits. They don't need close scrutiny. A glimpse from the distance every so often is more than enough. That's one way to deal with vanity.

Today threatens to be another dull day that I will have to give meaning to to the best of my abilities. I'm sure I will pull it off like I always do, one way or the other. I do somehow find satisfaction in my own company providing I'm in a good mood and I've had enough sleep. I don't think I'll have to worry about that today. I'm going back to bed as soon as I'm done writing this and I will try to sleep late. That's the best way to get through the dull morning when there's nothing to do. I prefer the afternoons when the sun shines through the living room windows.

I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk and, besides freezing my brain, it will hopefully also make me very cheerful. Cold milk does have the tendency to do that. It's also making me burp, but those are the usual sound effects.

I should go back to bed now. The duvet is calling my name. I'm taking my medicines first. It is that time of the morning again. I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Singlehandedly lucid...

2011-11-21T02:00:00.019+01:00

I've downed my first cup of coffee as quickly as I could and now I'm drinking the second one at a more normal rate. I wanted to inhale the first one quickly so as to become clearheaded as soon as I could. I was slightly discombobulated when I got up and not completely in charge of all my faculties. Yet compelled to stay up I was anyway after having gone to the toilet and having let the dog out back.

The cold night air did help a bit and it was great to stand by the back door in my pajamas. I purposely stood with the door wide open so I would get extra chilled. It was all the more pleasant to put my bathrobe on afterwards. But it's the coffee that's really waking me up as usual. The caffeine cleared all the cobwebs from my mind.

For a change I made the coffee somewhat strong again and I must say that I appreciate the punch it's carrying. It's like having someone rattle your brain in a very pleasant but assertive way. I had forgotten that about strong coffee. I'm almost instantly carried to a higher plane by the caffeine. It's elevating my thinking capacities and putting me in a good mood.

Actually, my mood was good enough when I woke up. It's not that I got up on the wrong side of the bed. I very seldom do that anymore. Mostly I'm a mild mannered woman when I wake up. Only rarely do I feel grumpy and that's easily remedied. I'm not the volatile woman I used to be, full of emotions and always on a roller coaster. I seldom take that ride anymore and if I do get on it, I get off as quickly as I can.

But a contented person is a boring person and that's probably why these posts are not so very interesting anymore. I very seldom have anything earth shattering to report. I don't run into huge problems and don't on a daily basis spill all the beans like I used to. I feel that I mostly write for my own sake to keep a daily record of what I do. It's like writing in a diary and every once in a while I can look back on the days that have passed.

The weekend went by very quickly and I hardly know where the time went. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but the hours sped by. I did the odd chore, walked the dog, took some naps and that was about it. I didn't even read like I had planned to. All I did was enjoy some 'Far Side' cartoons. I have a collection of them. I look at them every now and then and am always amused. They put an evil grin on my face.

I'm glad it is Monday now and the week will be properly started. I'm ready for some action. The days of being lazy are over. But first I've got to go back to bed to get the rest of my sleep. The night's not nearly over yet, even though I'm already prepared to start the day. It's a little premature I think.

I hope you're all sleeping tightly.

Ciao,

Nora

Aiming for homeruns...

2011-11-20T03:47:00.000+01:00

I slept very deep and soundly until I woke up because I had to go to the toilet. Much to my consternation, but not surprisingly, I turned out to be quite awake after that and the dog had to go out back for a piddle. The cold air got rid of whatever remainder of sleep was left in my head and I had to put on my bathrobe to get warm again. Coffee was quickly made and a cup easily downed. That almost completed the waking up process.

I'm working on my third cup now and have finished what was in the pot, yet I'm still yawning. Those must be the last vestiges of sleep I have in me and that stubbornly hang on. At least I'm not yawning as severely and dangerously as when I first got up. It is abating a bit now. I also don't have tears running down my face like I sometimes do. Everything is under control. After this last cup of coffee I will be right as rain. The caffeine will have caught up with me.

It's with some amount of joy that I sit here and realize that today is Sunday. It will officially be my day off and I have done most of my chores yesterday. I only have a small stack of mail to look through, but there shouldn't be any surprises in it. I don't expect any bills. It is all innocuous mail that's easily dealt with. I no longer have the fear of mail that I used to have and I empty the mailbox almost every day. As a rule, half the time there's nothing really important in it and sometimes there's a nice surprise. Yes, those do exist too.

I will dress up in my finest and pretend I have some place special to go to. You never know when the queen will summon me to have a cup of tea with her. There will be cultural programs on TV and speed skating from Russia. The weather should be good and I will take the dog for a longer walk, providing he co-operates and doesn't stubbornly stop at every tree and bush and blade of grass. My patience does wear thin after a while. I'm not the angelic figure I pretend to be.

I have not made good yet my intention to pick out a novel from the bookcase. It quite frankly slipped my mind, showing you that reading doesn't take a high priority on my list of things to do. I must not have the right mind set. I spend an inordinate amount of time watching inane programs on TV. That's how lazy I get. I even like how irritated I get with them and find myself making negative remarks about them out loud. That must serve a purpose somehow. It probably makes me feel superior. I really do need to read a good book. A critical mind is a terrible thing to waste.

I must get back to bed. It's time to get the rest of my sleep under the comfortable duvet. The next time I'm up, it will be morning and the sun will be up too. Hopefully, the day will be bright and full of promise.

Ciao,

Nora

Meanderings...

2011-11-19T03:16:00.001+01:00

I'm ever so cozily sat here in the semi darkness with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes in my warm red bathrobe. It isn't really chilly in here, but I pretend it is the middle of the winter and that I have to guard myself against the arctic cold. I haven't even got the heater on, but I'm wearing my socks. It's like I'm having a big old adventure all by myself in the middle of the night. A person does have to use her fantasy on occasion and make life more interesting than it is.

Luckily, there isn't a huge snowstorm raging outside because in reality that would not make me happy at all. I'm sure I'm not ready for it. It's okay to imagine it, but to actually have to deal with it is another matter. It's very mild outside and has been for the time of year. Actually, we're having a bit of a drought and the water level in the rivers is low. We haven't had enough rain over the last weeks and for the next little while, there is no rain in the forecast.

It's been a pleasure to take the dog out for walks as I haven't had to dress really warm. There's been sunshine every day, although it's not all that strong. There's no wind to speak of, so that makes it very pleasant. The dog is oblivious of the weather and his fur is growing back in. Before it gets really cold, he should be warm enough again. He hasn't been doing any shivering lately.

He does gallivant around and keeps me in shape. We walk at a steady pace along familiar grounds and make our regular stops. I find this is better than taking a new route. A new route means nothing but non stop sniffing and raising his leg and we never get anywhere. It takes us forever to get home again. I have to be endlessly patient and wait while he minutely investigates every unexplored spot. You can imagine there are many when you are on new terrain.

I'm a bit bronchial and have been coughing. This has caused me to have inflammation of the cartilage where my ribs meet my sternum. It's on the left side and hurts when I breathe and cough and use my left arm. I didn't have to go to the doctor to get this diagnosis as I have had this before. I'm taking Ibuprofen for it and hope to get some relief that way. There's not much else that can be done for it. Yes, cortisone shots, but I'm not much in the mood for them.

The glass is always half full and my right side doesn't hurt, so that is good. I can take cough medicine and may even have some in the kitchen cabinet. I'll have to have a look. There's an herbal one that works well and I may have some of that. I can also get some A. Vogel Echinaforce as that's supposed to be good for your resistance and there's probably some good cough medicine from that brand too. I will ask the Exfactor to get me some. A. Vogel has a good reputation. The medicines are made from plant and herbal extracts and are available in a good drugstore.

The night does move on and it's time to go to bed again. It's the lure of my new duvet that makes it such a pleasure to want to go. Besides, I'm slightly sick and do need my sleep. It's only smart if I go back to bed now. It's tough to be sensible, but somebody has to be.

Ciao,

Nora

Levity and lightness...

2011-11-17T04:12:00.001+01:00

I trimmed my own bangs last night because they were too long when as usual I brushed them to the side and fixed them into place with hairspray. I slightly looked like Adolf Hitler. I cut them quite a bit shorter and like this perkier look. Now I look more like a little cute hedgehog. One you may want to cuddle despite her spines. I could easily appear in an animated film. Meryl Streep could do the voice over in a Dutch accent. She's good at accents.

My hair is easier to manage now and it will be easier to wash and dry and get in place too. It gets unruly quickly and always makes me think I need to get a haircut. Now I won't have to go to the hairdresser for a while. Not that I don't enjoy going. I also still need to get the silver shampoo to wash it with. Not that my hair isn't naturally light. I just want it to pick up the highlights so it will look lively. It's got a lot of gray in it, but it looks blond. That's my luck.

I have to go to the drugstore anyway and pick up some things. I want to see what sort of deodorant is on sale and if I can find a decent perfume for a good price. I have been out of it for quite a while now and I do miss the scent on my clothes. I did have some samples, but they were of expensive perfumes and I won't be buying them. I do wish I believed in Santa Claus and his bottomless bag of goodies. Wouldn't it be nice to be a kid and make a wish list? I think I do need a sugar daddy.

Since today is Thursday, it means it's a free day and I don't have to get up on time. It does mean that I have to get up whenever the dog needs to go out because I can't neglect him. I'm not concerned about the day ahead and being able to fill it. Things will take care of themselves. I'm going to look on the bookcase for a good novel to read. It's about time that I try out the reading part of my varifocal glasses extensively. Hopefully that will be the pleasure I expect it to be.

I have to go back to bed, much to my regret. It is moving toward morning and I do want to get the rest of my sleep. I've dawdled long enough here. I tell myself to look forward to the remainder of my time in bed, but I'm not convinced yet. I'll have to remind myself of how nice and warm the duvet is.

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

No dramas and no punchlines...

2011-11-16T18:07:00.001+01:00

It's the end of the afternoon and the sun is setting. Much to my amazement, the day is already done. It went by very quickly or should I say, it is getting dark very soon? There is still a long evening ahead of me and I've got to try and entertain myself as well as possible. I will do the dishes in a little while. That ought to keep me out of trouble. I've also got to fold and put away the laundry.

Actually, the day did go by quickly, although I really didn't do that many things. I did sleep until the last minute before I had to go see my therapist. I had forgotten to set the alarm clock, but I woke up on time on my own. That was a lucky thing. You get charged nowadays for every appointment that you miss.

I had to go by the pharmacy to pick up the medicine that I was short of. I thought maybe it had been forgotten, but it was there and I could take it home with me straight away. Even with my glasses on I don't have to say who I am. I do get recognized. I wonder why that is? I don't go in there that often. I mostly have my medicines delivered at home. There must be some feature in my face that's very recognizable. I hope it's not my nose.

The front tire of my bike was awfully low of air and I pumped it up. I hope it will stay pumped up, otherwise it will have to be patched. There's always glass on the road somewhere and although I try to avoid it, it's not always possible to get around the little splinters. Those are just the kind of things that get into your tire and cause a slow leak. The Exfactor will patch it, but I hate to ask him. He already does me enough favors.

I wore my winter sweater today. It is a little big on me but very comfortable. It is the only true winter sweater that I have. The rest of the time I wear layers. I think this ought to motivate me to knit a sweater and I'm giving it some serious thought. Of course, it would help if I could read a pattern, so I'm going to need some help. I already have a half baked scheme in my head. I will follow up on this over the next few weeks. Watch this space for further developments.

I've got to fix some dinner. My body needs to get fed too. I can't just feed my soul. If it were that easy, I would live on air and coffee. I practically do now anyway. I love how empty my stomach feels sometimes. So flat and skinny.

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Cups of coffee and animals...

2011-11-15T18:22:00.001+01:00

It's with some amount of relief that I sit here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette after having woken up from my afternoon nap. There was the possibility that I was going to be grouchy but luckily, I'm not. I was in a good enough mood right away and the coffee only helped me become more so. Sometimes things do turn out just right.

I usually have no idea what determines if I'm going to be in a good enough mood when I wake up from my naps. It all seems to be up to chance and if I got out on the right side of the bed. It seems to be more a matter of fate than anything else. I have no idea how much I can do about it myself and if I'm at all able to change that.

I do know that I usually have to make a cup of coffee and that it's going to alter whatever mood I've got in a positive sense. Caffeine always works to my advantage. When in doubt about anything, have a cup of coffee. It will set straight whatever is wrong. And smoke a cigarette, unless you've kicked that habit already.

I doubt I'll ever get off the caffeine or even want to. It serves its function so well for me. I'd be mad to stop drinking it, although I drink less of it now than I used to. When I still had my Senseo machine I drank many cups more. It was an addictive habit. I loved that creamy coffee and a cup was quickly made.

I can't go out in the cold night air at the moment because I'm waiting for a package to arrive. I don't know when that will be but I'll have to walk the dog later. He's still happily snoozing in the armchair, so he's okay for now.

Both the animals have been treated for fleas and they've both stopped scratching. That flea repellent I got from the vet is powerful stuff.

The cat hardly protested. The Exfactor only had to hold her gently while I applied the flea drops. She really didn't react to it and went back to sleep afterwards as if nothing had happened. It should always be this easy. For some reason I thought it was going to be much harder than this. I have to treat them again next month.

The dog located his tennis ball this afternoon. It was stuck underneath a storage unit in the spare bedroom. He was so happy to have it again. He hasn't lost track of it yet. It had been lost for quite a while and I had not thought of looking for it there. I thought it was just about time to get some new ones but the problem has been solved.

Now, of course, I'll have to play many games of fetch. I'm in the perfect chair for it because I'm in a direct line to the bedroom.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

A day in the life...

2011-11-14T18:33:00.000+01:00

It's probably not such a good idea to try to write a post when you don't have much of a story to tell. The result could be a very boring account of your day. Still, it's worth a try and maybe something good will come of it.

I have the urge to write anyway and I can always hit the delete button when I think it's all a bunch of nonsense that I've written. I've hit the delete button many times before. I think lately I delete more than I publish.

In some ways it's been an enervating day, but things happened with other people that I can't share yet. I've been sworn to secrecy and they are stories that I have to keep to myself. Maybe I'll be able to tell you about them later. Let's just say that my day was interesting and gave me food for thought.

I also had to go to the vet to get flea repellent for the cat and the dog. The cat had gotten into a fight with another neighborhood cat and had gotten wounded and fleas at the same time. Her wounds have almost healed, but she shared the fleas with the dog.

I've treated the dog, that was no problem, but I'm going to need the Exfactor's help tomorrow to treat the cat. I can't do her singlehandedly because she will put up a fight. I know this from past experience. She thinks anything like that is scary and weird.

Whereas the dog doesn't bat an eye. He's already stopped scratching. It's like he knows the treatment is to his benefit and he stands perfectly still, even without a reward. I forget how awfully good he can be at times. He can be the most obedient dog when he puts his mind to it.

I've been doing laundry non stop. That's because I put the new duvet on my bed and changed the sheets also. I washed the old duvet and will keep it as a spare. I was fortunate in that I could hang it outside to dry because today the sun was shining.

It was not a strong sun and it was kind of cold outside, but at least it was a cheerful day. Laundry doesn't dry well under these conditions. It does better inside on the clothes rack with the heater on. The sheets and pillowcases do dry very quickly.

I still have the windows open for a large part of the day, but by the middle of the afternoon I get cold. Even with an extra cardigan on I shiver and I close the windows and turn on the heater. I luxuriate in the warmth.

Now that I have the new and warmer duvet on my bed, I can sleep with the bedroom window open. That way condensation doesn't build up on the window and drip on the windowsill. Because there's single pane glass back there, that was a bit of a problem.

I told you that this was going to turn into a boring account of my day. Well, I'll publish it anyway. At least it's harmless.

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Switching to a more normal gear...

2011-11-11T00:02:00.003+01:00

is what I'm going to attempt to do anyway. I was already in bed, but couldn't sleep, so I got up again and had something to eat. I think I was just plain hungry and now I'm digesting my food. The thing is that I'd already taken my sleeping pill, so I'm slightly drowsy. I've made some coffee to wake me up and I'm drinking the first cup now. I should be right as rain in no time, but I always say that, don't I?

If anything, I'm predictable. I'm also yawning something awful, but I enjoy being in this state. Well, I think I do...

Life's been treating me okay, but I have nothing exciting to write about and that's why I haven't written any posts lately. I don't have anything exciting to report now either, but I'll try to put some coherent thoughts down. I'll need another cup of coffee to do that effort justice. I need more caffeine to shake the drowsiness.

I'm getting a little more clearheaded already. I think between the nicotine and the caffeine, my mind is being forced into wakefulness. My addictions force me into action. I'm grateful to the effect of both of them, but not to the addictions themselves. I wish every day to be without them.

I wish to be on a deserted island for a year and to become medicine and addiction free. I imagine that very often and realize that at first I would have a very tough time. It would be a time of madness that I would have to get through, but afterwards I would be the true me without chemicals. Maybe I should check into a rehab clinic.

That's so much wishful thinking.

I like being clearheaded much better the way I am now after my second cup of coffee. I'm not drowsy anymore and I've stopped yawning. My head's on straight and my thoughts are coherent. I could definitely pass for a normal person.

I let the dog out back and stood in the cold night air by the back door. It was very refreshing to say the least. The almost full moon was shining and it was a bright night. I could see everything and I'm chilled all the way through. It's nice to be back inside because it's comfortable in here. But it's a good thing that I'm wearing my bathrobe and socks because I need them. I do so very easily feel cold.

It's officially Friday, so it is one of my favorite days. I have to get up early in the morning because the Exfactor will be here to do some groceries for me first thing. He wants to get an early start. I'll have to set the alarm clock when I go back to bed. I will try to drink some coffee and get dressed before he gets here. It's always a good idea to be wide awake when receiving a visitor. Even when it is someone as familiar as the Exfactor who won't mind if I'm in a stupor. I'll mind.

I hope you'll all have a lovely day when you get up.

Ciao,

Nora

Boosting my ego...

2011-11-07T03:45:00.002+01:00

I was going to very self indulgently write a post with no other purpose than to make myself feel good. It's not that I didn't already feel that way. I just wanted to prolong the feeling as much as possible and inflate it as much as I could. I suppose I wanted to inflate my ego to huge proportions. I wouldn't have been able to fit through the door when I was done.

I don't know why I had this desire. I had not analyzed myself and I was not about to. I just took it as a given that I had it, although you could say that I really needed a moral boost now that I think of it. The minute I said that I wouldn't analyze myself, my mind automatically started to and I couldn't stop it. I immediately became contemplative and wanted an explanation. I suppose I do have a Freudian streak in me.

I also knew that I couldn't get away with inflating my ego simply for the sake of making myself feel better. I'd have to do a more sophisticated job than that. I couldn't pull the wool over my own eyes, much as I would have liked to.

I woke up feeling pretty full of myself and darn near invincible. I felt that I could take on the world. It seemed that whatever I did and said was exactly the right thing and that I could make no mistake.

That's all very well if you have no censor inside yourself to call a halt to your own exuberant self or if you choose to ignore that person. I'm not so fortunate and can't go on announcing that I'm the emperor without having a good hard look at myself.

I'm somewhat deflated now down to the proper size. I was getting carried away and it is better this way. I fit inside my own skin again. I have no grandiose notions left.

That doesn't mean I'm down in the dumps now. It isn't as bad as all that. I do still feel good about myself. I'm just more realistic now and having a good honest look.

I went on the bathroom scale when I got up and saw that I had to lose three kilos. That weight did sneak up when I overindulged in vanilla pudding last week. I suppose I won't be putting that on the shopping list anymore for quite a while. I don't like the stomach I've got right now. It's kind of round and not very becoming. That's one area that needs improvement.

That's just cosmetically. I'll have that fixed in no time.

It's what's on the inside that counts and for the most part I'm not unhappy with that as it could be so much worse. I am seeing the glass half full. Whatever wrench gets thrown into the works, I manage to extract and get things working again.

I'm managing to drink small glasses of mild orange juice without upsetting my stomach. I think that's a real victory. I thought I'd never be able to do that again and took the chance when I put the juice on the shopping list.

You see, it's the little things that count.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Up early and then some...

2011-11-06T07:21:00.000+01:00

I tell myself that there's nothing wrong with being up early on a Sunday morning and at least I found out now when the first birds sing. I did need a cup of coffee before I could convince myself of that notion and my medicines. It's after these mood altering substances had done their work that I could see the bright side of being up this early. Well, if there is a bright side to it.

There is some doubt in my mind about that and I think I need another cup of coffee before I'm really convinced of it. But the fact is, that I'm wide awake and truly done sleeping and that even if I went back to bed, I wouldn't sleep any more. My bed is no longer an alluring place to go to. I'm all done laying down in it. I've spent enough time there.

Today is my one and only child's birthday and, although she lives far away, I do feel in a festive mood as if I have to celebrate all by myself the day that I gave birth to her. The memory of that day is very clear in my mind and will not easily be forgotten. I couldn't believe how incredibly painful it was to give birth. Nobody had prepared me for that. But can anybody explain that properly to you?

I will call her later today. It's not the same as being there, but it's the next best thing.

It's slowly getting light out and in a while I will take the dog for a walk. First I've got to pick out some decent clothes to wear. Something that befits a sunny Sunday because that's the kind of weather it's going to be. It will be cool, but there will be lots of sunshine.

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Last but not least...

2011-11-05T02:54:00.000+01:00

I'm so fully awake that I could do a number of jobs right now and It's a shame that it's the middle of the night and that I'm restricted by the darkness. Well, I'm restricted by other factors as well, but that's a result of my life's conditions and not so much because of unwillingness on my part.

I have a great big adventurous streak and it tends to come to the surface when I'm up like this and if I had the money and the wherewithal, I would give it free reign. Give me some hard cash and a couple of credit cards and I would be on my way. I'd have an overnight bag packed in no time. Wow, a person can dream, can't she?

I just need to be independently wealthy, that's all. Or have the pocket money of an oil sheik.

I better get my feet back on the ground lest my fantasy carries me away completely because that's so easily done. Before you know it I'm in Paris sitting in a sidewalk cafe watching Parisians walk by with baguettes in their arms. And I do have to go back to the Louvre and explore it more extensively.

Most museums have websites where you can see their whole collections quite well. They are usually laid out very well and easy to navigate around in. It almost makes you feel like you're there for a real visit. You do get a very good idea of what's there and where to find it. It suffices when you can't go there yourself.

For now I'm just sitting here with my inevitable cup of coffee and my cigarettes getting a little chilled because I don't have my bathrobe on yet. I didn't do that purposely because I was so hot and bothered when I got up out of bed. I think I shouldn't sleep in pajamas at all, but modesty dictates it even though there are only the animals here.

I think I'm going to buy a nightgown next when I'm in the mood to shop. It will be a nightie like an oversized T-shirt. Maybe that won't be as warm to wear.

It's an overcast night and it's slightly drizzling outside, but you can't hear the rain fall. It's no good opening the bedroom window to try and listen to it. I won't hear a thing. I will open the window anyway because it's not cold outside and it will be nice to let the fresh night air in. It does get stuffy inside otherwise. As long as the dog does not shiver, it will be alright. He's my temperature gage.

Since today is Saturday, it's a 'Day of for Dummies.' That's what I've decided to call this day. You don't need a lot of brainpower to get through it. You can pretty much arrange the day as you see fit and let it happen almost by accident. At least, it's that way in my case because I have no major commitments. It's a much easier day than Sundays, when I really try to make something of it.

It's with much happiness that I can tell you that the speed skating season has started and yesterday we had the first races of the Dutch championships. There will be more on today, so I will not be bored in the least. I do love speed skating and I especially like watching the men's races. I love how strong and fast they are and how graceful. I am a living and breathing female after all. I do love the well developed male shape.

It's time I go back to bed. I've got to do a little bit more sleeping instead of going off on an adventure. The morning will start soon enough.

I hope you'll all have a great weekend.

Ciao,

Nora

It takes a while...

2011-11-04T03:53:00.000+01:00

I didn't really appreciate the dog barking at me tonight. I was sound asleep in my bed, after all. It was a wake up call. He had to go out back to do a piddle.

I think he could have waited a few more hours to do that and have let me sleep a while longer, but apparently he doesn't think in such terms. When he has an urge, it has to be satisfied immediately.

Standing outside by the back door wasn't such a bad thing because it was nice and cool out there. It was a clear night, although rain had been predicted. I let the dog take his time and enjoyed the pleasant night air on my warm and sleepy body. This woke me up a bit more.

When the dog came in, I reluctantly went inside and locked the door. I was sufficiently cooled off anyway.

I turned on the computer and made a pot of coffee. Having learned my lesson last night, I have been making the coffee less strong and this has been a success. It still is strong enough to wake me up properly and get me in a functioning mode. It's not so strong that it upsets my stomach, which has been known to happen.

I have also been making less coffee all at once, so I'm pouring less down the kitchen drain and I feel very economically sensible.

That's the terminology you use nowadays instead of saying that you're frugal. Frugality is an old fashioned concept and something our grandparents practiced. We could all draw a lesson from them and learn how to live sensibly. It was waste not, want not in those days.

All we need to do is go back and have the mindset of those days. We'd be satisfied quicker and learn to get by with less.

The wind has picked up and is blowing the fallen, dried leaves through the street. We may be in for a change of weather. Rain was predicted for the night and possibly it will arrive now. I'm looking forward to it and I hope it will gently fall soon. There's nothing better to listen to while I'm lying in bed.

Except for the gentle snoring of the dog, of course.

I hope you'll all have a nice Friday.

Ciao,

Nora

It's hardly surprising...

2011-11-03T04:46:00.001+01:00

I made the coffee not so very strong, necessitating me to drink more of it to get the equal effect. I actually like the taste of it better this way, although I always claim to like a strong cup of coffee. I guess it really isn't so and I'll have to remember that the next time I make a pot of coffee. I do always have to learn my lesson the hard way. I hope I can always manage to put less ground coffee in the filter.

I will enjoy my cup of coffee better and it will not be such an onslaught to my stomach which is protesting less. I'm sure a cup of strong and bitter coffee is not what it wants. But I am like a donkey who kicks the same stone twice and it will be a learning process that I will stubbornly go through until I get it right. Remind me not to brag about the punch the coffee carries and what a kick it gives me. It will be because I'm on the wrong track.

I also have to remember not to dawdle and put my bathrobe on right away instead of sitting here in my pajamas getting cold. It's like that doesn't register immediately and I wonder why I am so uncomfortable. Once I do put my bathrobe on, I'm immediately aware of the difference and I chastise myself for not having had the sense to do it right away. It makes me wonder how well I really function when I first get up in the middle of the night.

I think I'm not as logical as I could be and have to wait for it to slowly catch up with me as the coffee starts working. I'm only a ghost of the potential me when I first get up, although I'm never in a bad mood. I'm just a bit slow witted and function below par. I really shouldn't make any big decisions in the first twenty minutes, although I'm happy to say that none are expected of me.

I'm fine now and warmly enveloped in my bathrobe. I have socks on my feet and couldn't be more comfortable. My brain is functioning and I couldn't think straighter. I could do any sort of task now. It's a pleasure to be up knowing that I will go back to bed again shortly and finish sleeping. It's the simple things in life that make it worth living and sleeping well is one of them. I always do that best early in the morning.

Getting up the second time is a little bit harder. My body and mind do protest a bit more. It takes me a while longer to get my act together. I give myself an hour to sit in my armchair and become a semblance of a human being. I'm actually one before that time, but I like to start out slowly and to gather up my bravery to face the day. That is always a bit harder than facing the silence and darkness of the night. Looking presentable and walking the dog are big chores in the morning. They are not to be taken on lightly.

The dog is snoring on the sofa, but he will follow me back to bed. The cat is already there waiting for us.

Today will be lovely weather and that's something to look forward to. The sun will be shining all day.

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Picking up the routine again...

2011-11-01T01:43:00.001+01:00

I had a cup and a half of coffee and that's all I wanted. It didn't taste as good as it usually does, nor did it quench my thirst. I needed a glass of cold milk for that. It's a good thing that the Exfactor will be here today to do the groceries because I'm running out of milk and the dog is almost out of dog food. I think he has about four bites left in his bowl. The Exfactor will be greeted with open arms. He will be a welcome sight.

Of course, I'm burping now from the milk, but it's not as bad since I stopped taking the B-complex vitamins. I think those upset my stomach too much. A dear blogging friend suggested that they might be and I think she was right, proving that you can't very innocently take just any pill or supplement. They do affect your system. If this is not pointed out to you, you keep very naively taking them and think there's something the matter with you. You don't suspect vitamins and supplements, after all.

I'm slowly getting back to normal and am not so harried and stressed anymore. I think I'm coming down from the anxious day that Friday was. I achieved this partly by talking about it with my personal helper who does have her positive aspects when I'm willing to see them. I have to be in the right frame of mind to do this and lately I have been. I appreciate her much more than I used to. She helped me get my head straight about the subject anyway.

It's with some amount of relief that I look forward to the rest of the week, although I have nothing special planned. It will just be the same old routine that it always is and that almost isn't good enough. Something will have to be done about it. I will have to make some plans to fill in my time better. I do wish to sleep later in the morning because I don't do as well when I get up early. My mood is not as good. I think that may have to do with the time of year. I have the need to hibernate.

The weather has been lovely and the sun has been shining every day. The temperatures have not been bad either and I only have to close the windows at night and sometimes turn the heater on for a little while. I do it when the dog starts to shiver in the bedroom. It does get cool in there and is all day long. It's the best room to be in the summertime, but now it's a little bit cold.

I'll have to go back to bed. I must get the rest of my sleep. That's the sensible me speaking. The one who knows not to stay up all night. It's nice and warm in here now, so going to bed will be extra special.

Ciao,

Nora

Chasing away the black dog...

2011-10-31T01:11:00.001+01:00

Now that I'm sitting here so comfortably in the semi dark in the middle of the night, it is easy to forget how down I felt during the day. All seems well now, while it didn't feel that way at all earlier. I felt that the black dog was stalking me in the underbrush and I was constantly aware of his presence.

At first I tried to ignore him, but then I decided to acknowledge his presence and it almost felt like a relief when I did. At least it was a familiar presence and I knew how to deal with it. He was not really my enemy, but just a well known aspect of myself that was as recognizable as the features of my face.

I don't know if I'm now coming down with a depression. It may be a false alarm. Maybe I just had a bit of a tough day, but the last few days I've been off a bit anyway. I haven't been my usual steady self. I've felt more insecure and more stressed and that's when things happen.

I haven't been my normal self since Friday when I didn't sleep well because I had to pick up my glasses downtown at the optician. That was a big deal to me. I was so stressed in the morning that I took two tranquilizers and I had vowed never to take those anymore.

Subsequently, I got my hair cut and as a result I had a whole new look. I think this all was too much for me and it unsettled me and I never did get back into my normal state of mind. I didn't return to my normal comfortable feeling. I didn't feel at ease with myself.

I also think that those tranquilizers took some time to get out of my system. They worked when I needed them to, but the aftermath was less pleasant. I felt like I was kicking off. No doubt that was because I used them so much in the past. My body had a craving for them.

I think I can talk myself out of having the black dog stay if I analyze the cause and effect. It's not my new look that bothers me, but the events around it and the feelings that I had achieving it. It cost me too much effort and upset my too complacent life. It is easily upset, after all.

But now I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee and I can rationally think about this. My feelings don't come into play so much. I feel as normal and sane as I can get thanks to the hour of the night. I may feel differently in the morning, but I hope not. I hope I can hang on to this sense of normality.

Being 'normal' is my biggest wish and I think you all know what I mean by being 'normal.' It is living without extremes of feelings, but being somewhere in the comfortable middle with the occasional hiccup. I don't expect everything to go smoothly all the time, but I do make the effort for it to potentially go that way.

I think if I can stay on the side of rationality, I can solve a lot of problems. My emotions do get in the way sometimes and take a run with me and I become unreasonable. I don't know how to get over that. I suppose I don't acknowledge them on time and let them simmer below the surface too long. I have to work on that.

I guess I strive for some sort of perfectionism and will never achieve it.

Have a good night you all.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting started again...

2011-10-29T19:21:00.001+02:00

It's always a bit tough to get started up again after I've woken up from a nap. I try to do it without drinking a cup of coffee, but it's impossible. I need at least two of them to get back to normal.

I don't know why I'm so stubborn at first to think I can do without. I blame it on temporary brain failure. It's only when I hit total bottom that I realize I have to do something about it and make a pot of coffee.

I'm nearly alright now. I'm working on my second cup.

For a while there it was touch and go and I knew I shouldn't write anything because it might have come out very wrong. Luckily, I do have an internal censor who keeps me from making major blunders.

My eyes have gotten used to the glasses, even to the correction for the astigmatism. I miss them now when I don't have them on, like when I wake up from a nap.

I see these words on the screen ever so much better.

I've gotten used to how I look with them on too and I think my haircut matches them very well. I should remember to put in some earrings so I will look more feminine. I look a little butch right now.

I am wearing a mini skirt today along with some pretty leggings that I bought yesterday. Nobody can mistake me for a boy. Besides, I do have some feminine curves despite all the weight that I lost. And I do still have breasts.

I took the dog for a long walk this afternoon, but I can't say that it was much of a pleasure. He dawdled most of the time and I had to literally pull him along. He thought there were items of interest under every fallen leaf and there were a lot of them.

As we walked, showers of leaves fell on us and this was while the sun was shining on us too because it was a nice day. I was dressed too warm in my leather jacket. Just a cardigan would have sufficed.

I've got to take the dog for a walk now and it's already dark outside. It's tough when duty calls you out into the night, but at least it isn't cold.

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

A well spent Friday...

2011-10-28T20:50:00.000+02:00

This morning, after I had been up half the night and unable to go back to sleep, it cost me some effort to keep myself occupied until it was time to go downtown to pick up my glasses. I watched repeats of the news and information on traffic jams around the country as if it concerned me. I watched the early morning show and pretended I was a commuter off to a busy day at her work. I drank coffee and smoked cigarettes until I was sick of them.

When it finally was time to leave, I was more than ready to go. I hopped on my bike as if it was an act of liberation and rode it downtown as quickly as I could. It was already busy there, but I did manage to find a space to park my bike, and walked the rest of the way through the cobblestoned streets to the optician.

I had almost forgotten what my glasses looked like and it was a surprise to see them. It was also an experience to put them on. The world around me suddenly became a lot clearer and more in focus. The most important thing was that I was able to read without any effort. That was a real eyeopener.

I wore them out of the store and when I looked into the distance, it suddenly had gotten a lot more depth. To celebrate that fact, I walked all the way to my favorite store to see if there was anything on sale to match the colors of my glasses. Luckily there was and I bought two tops for a give away price. I didn't try them on until I got home, but figured they would fit and I was right.

Decked out the way I was, I went to the hairdresser where I got complimented on my glasses. While I waited for it to be my turn, I read a magazine that was lying about in the waiting area. I never was able to do that before. Before I could only read the headlines to the stories and what was printed in bold script, limiting my reading very much.

I had my hair cut a lot shorter than I did the last time and it looks good. It's not the kind of haircut I have to mess with much. I can pretty much just run my fingers through my hair and be done with it. It was washed with silver shampoo and the color lightened up quite a bit. I will have it cut again in a month or sooner if it needs it. I won't let it get long. This time it had only been four weeks since I last had it cut.

So, there I was with my whole new look. The people who saw it first were the Exfactor and the domestic help and they both approved. The most important thing though is that I like it and I do. I'm comfortable with it. And I'm very glad that I can see so well, both up close and in the distance.

Another important thing is, that I took a much needed nap later this afternoon. I was more than ready for it. I felt like a limp dishrag earlier. I have to go to bed early tonight and catch up on the rest of my sleep. I'm not done sleeping yet.

I hope you all have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

It's impossible not to be glad...

2011-10-28T02:27:00.000+02:00

It's in the middle of the night and I'm temporarily done sleeping. I'm sure that will be remedied in a while when I've had my coffee and written this post. If I take my time writing this, no doubt sleep will catch up with me again. I have to do several hours of it yet until I get up at a decent time in the morning.

I will have to set the alarm clock because I have to go to the optician to pick up my glasses. Yes, it is finally happening. This is only after I called and threatened to cancel the whole transaction. The girl who answered the phone told me that she would try to find my glasses and call me right back. She did within twenty minutes and told me she had located them and that I could pick them up first thing in the morning.

This did give me a certain amount of satisfaction, but I do wonder why it had to take a phone call like that to get my glasses? I expected better service than that. A customer shouldn't have to make a pest of herself to get the service she deserves.

Well, all's good that ends good. Or so we assume.

I'm also going to the hairdresser tomorrow. I'm very unhappy with my hair at the moment. I have to put on too much hairspray to get it to stay in shape and that's not the kind of hairdo I want. I want easy hair. The kind that you wash and dry and it's in place.

It wasn't really time yet to go to the hairdresser, but I think I didn't get it cut short enough the last time and I'm going to have it cut properly this time. I think I will also not wait six weeks to have it cut, but go once a month because my hair grows quickly and I don't like it when it loses its shape.

After I get done doing that, the Exfactor will be here to bring me the cat food and the washing powder that he buys at the supermarket where he shops. It's the food my cat likes best and the washing powder that came out best in consumer tests. It's a little known brand, not one of the big ones, but it takes care of any stain.

The domestic help will also be here because, goodness sakes, it is Friday again and where did the week go? It slipped by quite unobtrusively and I hardly have anything to show for it. Frankly, I'm glad it is over because it was a bit of a dull week with not much happening in it. Today being an exception. I would like just a little bit more excitement in my daily life.

By this afternoon I will have a new look. I'm curious to see how I will turn out. I'm ready for a make over. I'm always interested in something different.

I suppose I will go back to bed now. I'm not sleepy and could sit here for hours, but I do have to be sensible. I'm going to need my energy during the day. It's a lot of responsibility, being in charge of yourself. Somebody has to do it.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Being awake is another option...

2011-10-27T05:39:00.003+02:00

Optimistically speaking, it's very early in the morning, although it will be some time yet until it's dawn. I won't let that bother me and pretend the day is starting anyway. If I were a dairy farmer, I'd almost be getting ready to milk my cows, especially if I had a large herd.

I'm very cozily sitting here in my bathrobe with my cup of coffee. I slept well and was lovingly woken up by the dog who had to go out back. He's sound asleep now on the sofa. I feel that not much can go wrong right now and all is well with the world. I'm going to enjoy these first hours of the day as much as I can.

When I was rearranging the bookcase the other day, I found '101 Crossword Puzzles for Dummies.' I don't remember exactly who bought me this, but I suspect it was my first ex-husband who knows I am crossword puzzle mad. I had forgotten that it was there and now I have been sitting down doing the puzzles.

I'm happy to say that I can solve most of them with only a minimum amount of cheating. I spent two hours on them yesterday afternoon until I was sick and tired of them. Still, I conveniently laid the book on my desk because I know I will want to do more of them today.

I also have the Collected New York Times and Los Angeles Times Sunday Crosswords. It will be a while before I try those because they are a bit harder to do. I used to solve them when I still lived in the States, but I'm not as savvy now. You have to be more than a dummy to do those and be steeped in the culture. They are not for sissies.

So, the interesting things you find when you rearrange your bookcase. There were books there that I hardly ever pay attention to and that are worth my time looking at. Some have beautiful photographs in them and I haven't looked at them for ages. They are so neglected. If I don't look at them, who will?

I haven't got anything special planned for today. I'm hoping to get that phone call from the optician to say that my glasses will be ready to be picked up, but frankly, I've given up hope. I won't expect it and then I won't be disappointed. I already called them on Tuesday and they said it could be any day. Blagh!

I will take my medicines now and make a pot of green tea with lemon. Then I will sit in my arm chair and do some crossword puzzles until dawn. That ought to keep me out of trouble.

I hope you'll all have a lovely day.

Ciao,

Nora

A cup of coffee will help...

2011-10-26T00:09:00.000+02:00

It's late in the evening and I've already been asleep. Unfortunately, I was not as lucky as I was Monday night when I went to bed early and stayed asleep all night long. I slept for almost twelve hours then. It was unheard of.

No, tonight I woke up again, but I was sitting here bleary eyed, almost unable to do anything, and I was thinking about going back to bed. Then I realized that I had not had any coffee yet and quickly made some and now I'm having a cup of it. Rather rapidly I'm coming to my senses as the caffeine kicks in. I'm almost coherent now.

I must have had a shortage in my brain to think I could have sat here without a cup of coffee. I know I can't function without having had the caffeine. I don't know what I was thinking. A general lethargy had a hold of me and it felt as if my body was pulled down extra hard by gravity. Beyond the normal pull that gravity has.

I had that lethargy in my brain also. Thank goodness for bright ideas and the willpower to see them through. It did cost me some effort to open up the new package of coffee. As always it was vacuum packed and a pain in the neck to open. You're supposed to be able to do that without the aid of scissors and it's quite a trick. It's a matter of honor that I do.

I don't know how I managed to sleep for almost twelve hours Monday night. I did get up twice. Once to go to the toilet and once to let the dog out back. Both times I was very sleepy headed and stumbled back into bed. I haven't slept like that since I was a teenager. I'm sorry I'm not repeating the exercise tonight. I did have great hopes, but I was foiled in my attempt.

I alphabetized the bookcase. I thought I was doing a great job, but in the end I was left with about ten books that I had overlooked. I just stuck those in at the end. I can't be perfect and I'll know where they are. I took my time doing that while the domestic help cleaned the apartment. I wanted to make myself useful while she was here.

I may not be reading much, but at least my books are organized. While I was doing this, I ran into all sorts of books I have not read yet and they did make me curious. I'm going to wait until I get my varifocal glasses and see if they make any difference in my reading ability. I may also dislike reading because I have crappy reading glasses. We'll see. These don't correct for my astigmatism and that may make a difference.

The weather was dreary today. It was drizzling and chilly. It was not the kind of day to be cheerful about. I suppose you could say that it was a real autumn day in the worst sense. Today it's going to be a lot better and we'll even have some sunshine. I don't mind the cold as long as the sun is shining. I have grown quite attached to sunshine this fall. I've really learned to appreciate it after all the rain we had.

The dog is trying to convince me that he needs to go out again. He knows just the kind of facial expression to make with that plea. I'm ignoring him for now. I'll wait and see how badly he really needs to go. Sometimes it's just an excuse to go out back and sniff all over the place because the cat has gone out there.

I've got to think about going back to bed, but of course I'm wide awake now. I will start drinking cold milk and see if it will alter my brainwaves into a different pattern. A more 'go to sleep now' pattern. Sometimes it works. Milk seems to have that effect on me. It's nice if certain beverages alter your brain chemically. You don't have to rely on pills.

Have a good night all of you.

Ciao,

Nora